Mental Illness

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I haven't posted about writing, yet... because I wasn't sure exactly how to express why and when I write, but this really acted as a catalyst for my explanation. I can and have written both happy and sad, however I actually tend to write MORE when I am happy. When I am going through any sort of depression, one of my major contributors to my anxiety and depression is that my head seems to be too full, moving too fast, and I can not piece things together in a way that seems coherent or logical. Because of this it is more difficult for me to write at these times. I write a lot when I am happy, mostly music... but some poetry... If I do write when I am depressed it is only when I seem to have been pushed to a point of obsessing on a particular worry or thing that is or has happened. Then I write, and its always very dark then. Poetry, never music, and frequently vivid analogies and representations. The other thing I notice about my poetry from these periods is that I use it to force myself to see a good, a reason to move past whatever the issue is. Its my way of driving myself back into the light. Even with the dark imagery, there is always a message of hope... I would love to share one of these with you.

Phoenix

Bright and beautiful my soul is drawn to the flames
Drawn in and bewitched
I am warmed by the heat of the fire
I see by its glow
And I walk further
Stepping into the heart of the blaze
For an instant there is heaven
An undaunted happiness before the pain
Then what I held so precious becomes and inferno
Burning out of control
Taking compassion, affection, friendship, more
And twisting it
Turning it deep and dangerous
Bright colors lick at my skin
Scalding first
Then scorching
Devouring my flesh
Scoring to the bone
And then
Nothing
What I am is gone,
Disintegrated by the intensity before me
Around me
Without me to feed it the heat wanes
Dies away
After the last flame is gone
I remain as ashes
Paralyzed and unfeeling
Distanced from the world around me
Yet still I walk
Still I talk and listen, work and bleed
But never cry
Never morn what was lost
Time passes and stands till
Weather changes, coursing through me
New eyes
And I cry, I morn and live again
Rising from the ashes of love past
Stronger, safer, wiser
I have felt the heat and the pain
Experienced the bliss and the loss
Now I know its worth
For just a moment of what I have know
It is worth a million deaths to find again
New eyes
Brown with golden specs
Beckoning, calling
And I fly
Soaring into the heavens and back again
I may land or I may not
But the chance is worth a million deaths

Jenn
Your poem is very graphic...it is also very compelling...I don't know if you will be offended by my next statement...'but welldone'(no offense intended). I am impressed by persons who can write so well when in emotional turmoil. I cannot write when upset, even though I love to write (when I'm happy). I have tried writing when sad, mad, or depressed. It makes perfect sense when I am writing it but readback...LOL...well even I have a hard time understanding what I wrote. LOL. I am more about doing something physical...walking, dancing, screaming(sometimes all at once). This seems to realign me.
With my dyslexia, if I am upset, I can't logically speak sometimes. The more I try to communicate with someone the more frustrated I get...the less I can make any verbal or written sense. You get the idea.

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

Your post makes 100% sense to me. That is my life pretty much in words.

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean = but it comes out backwards pretty much most of the time or I use the wrong words.

Thank you.

Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I finally saw the commercial Andrew spoke about, I like it

It shows that we as mentally ill people need a support system other than dr's and such, family is always a good support system if they take the time to educate themselves and work hard in dealing with us on a daily basis.

Hopefully the stigma can go away sooner

[Andrew, Jr.]

The ads are s l o w l y making it on tv. I think they are wonderfully done. My hat is off to each and everyone involved with making them.

[la_la]

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

[T D]

Originally Posted by la_la

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

As a therapist once said to me, "you did what you could with what you had to work with at the time." End of story. Don't judge yourself, just accept that it was what it was at the time. Today is a different time.

Wishing you the best on your new dating experiences

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Thanks for sharing La la

I too have done the caretaker and it did cost me as well, you are not alone out there in this world

Welcome to the thread

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thank you for telling your story here, La La. My bio-father is mentally ill. He was very violent. But he was also violent emotionally, spiritually, intelluctually, physically, and sexually. The worst for me was the physical violence and the emotional abuse. Just horrible. I can't even express it.

Now he is terminally ill, and I have forgiven him. However, I don't forget. It is with me every single day. The one thing I have over him is inner peace. One day my father will meet his maker, and he will have to explain his behavior to God. I do not want to be in my father's shoes. But I am working on judgement. I so want to judge my father, but that is God's job, not mine.

[la_la]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Thank you for telling your story here, La La. My bio-father is mentally ill. He was very violent. But he was also violent emotionally, spiritually, intelluctually, physically, and sexually. The worst for me was the physical violence and the emotional abuse. Just horrible. I can't even express it.

Now he is terminally ill, and I have forgiven him. However, I don't forget. It is with me every single day. The one thing I have over him is inner peace. One day my father will meet his maker, and he will have to explain his behavior to God. I do not want to be in my father's shoes. But I am working on judgement. I so want to judge my father, but that is God's job, not mine.

Andrew,

Do you know if your bio-Father was violent because of his mental illness or because it was his nature?
This was the mixed message I got from my ex's therapists in that some say it had to do with the illness and some say it was personality.
Please give me your honest opinion

Peace
'iz

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by la_la

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

Dear Sis,
I am so happy to hear you are moving forward into your life. A decade s a long time to remain dormant. I do understand how hard is too trust. Just take it slow and enjoy your journey.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by la_la

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

Dear Sis,
I am so happy to hear you are moving forward into your life. A decade s a long time to remain dormant. I do understand how hard is too trust. Just take it slow and enjoy your journey.