StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

sylvie · 01-17-2011, 07:54 AM

i am not, nor have i been a step-parent..
i have , however, had step-parents, AND have been in relationships where they've been a step-parent to my 2 children.. so i can relate with a lot in this thread..

i truly didn't understand how difficult it was for someone to enter a relationship with someone who already has children. it's taken some eye opening experiences to really get the giste.. i have never been a great disciplinarian, and now that my children are teenagers, it shows .. it's something i've been working on, as i'm too soft and have spent years of letting things go.. but, things have been much better this new year, it's been small steps with my children and tons of love to get things back to normal with some respect & lotsa love and just a better situation overall.. so once i am ready to get back into a relationship (which will be awhile yet) - things will be on a much healthier note..i can totally understand the pressures & stresses of being a stepparent - and will always be more mindful of it..

my parents separated when i was 8 years old.. i lived with my mother and seems i was always with a babysitter, day & night.. when she met my step a-hole (we don't get along) he moved right in.. she immediately took his side no matter how mean he was to me.. i was scared to even talk to him because of his outbursts, usually.. he woke up grumpy and was a bear right to the moment he went to sleep at night.. the emotional scars far surpass any physical scars he gave me.. eventually, my mother alienated me, i went to my father's when i was the age of 12.. my mother & i have never been close - and she has become so much like him, it's scary & quite sad, even.

i do have a stepmother , however that is very much like a mother to me, moreso than my own.. i've always known i wasnt 'as' important as her own two children, and i tend to not get included when they do their things, still.. but it's okay, now because i have a better understanding what its like taking on someone else's child.. and the love she does show me, is something i'm so appreciative of to this day.. i could always depend on her, i know this...

JustJo · 01-17-2011, 02:28 PM

I was raised by a single mom, but never had a step-parent....lots of boyfriends who hung around or lived in at various time, but no one with the title.

I also never exposed my son to a step-parent until now....and never was one myself.

Now I'm both...and it's incredibly challenging. I'm not ready to post yet, but I'm reading.

JustJo · 01-23-2011, 07:02 AM

Just coming back to bump this thread...

...we're having significant issues in this area, and I'd love to hear more about how people have successfully blended families without tearing their relationship apart.

Arwen · 01-23-2011, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo

Just coming back to bump this thread...

...we're having significant issues in this area, and I'd love to hear more about how people have successfully blended families without tearing their relationship apart.

Communication that involves everyone.

I found that we had issues around what was appropriate behaviour and what was correctable behaviour. If I felt a kid needed correction, I did NOT do that myself. I told my partner who would then do the correction.

TO be honest, my steps were 14 and up and REALLY good kids. There was not much needed in that area. I was more the teacher in that I taught both the young ones how to drive and also did a lot of cooking with them.

It might be helpful if you shared what your struggles are.

jelli · 07-11-2011, 09:50 PM

"Happy T Day to my Tina. Almost 9 years ago I tried to tell her to run away and just when she thought it might be safe to stop running - run faster and further.

T: Well how many kids do you have?
Me: 5
T: (laughing)
Me: No, seriously. (It's hard to believe she took the role for better or for worse).

There's not a holiday that celebrates certain roles. I have this amazing partner in my life that 9 years ago accepted such a huge challenge of me and 5 kids. I don't really have the words for Tina. She has evolved ad continues to impress me.

The judge asked "who will support this woman and her children?" T stood up and firmly stated "I will Your Honor" Every day since she has done everything she said she would do. She works her butt off to support the kids and I.

Sure we have our moments like everyone else. We've had to compromise, change, and really dig deep for a better understanding of how certain families and relationships come together and in some cases not so much.

My T - I can not thank you for what you've done and for what you've also endured in the name of loving me. My children have not always been accepting, forgiving, understanding, and/or appreciative... and yet you are still there. There is great joy and yet sadness when I don't feel as if you're given enough respect for ALL that you DO. I wish I had words to tell you what YOU mean to me. ♥

I AM SO PROUD TO LOVE YOU!

I can't imagine loving and supporting kids that if push came to shove you have no laws to uphold any rights. You can't claim them as dependents for tax purposes even though you support more than 50%, and still have paid(when the law allows) to provide insurance. I could go on because I feel as if I am rambling trying to get my point across. I guess my point is I am thank for you on more days than this one."

jelli · 07-11-2011, 09:58 PM

Things we have learned over the years:

~You're either going to California or you're not. All in or all out.
~Changes and compromise are going to take place.
~ You have to give to get and even sometimes then you get the short end of the stick. Just make sure you're intention is coming from the right spot so you don't build up a lot of resentment.
~When it comes to older kids/teens - leave the discipline up to the biological parent.
~Mistakes are going to happen and here again is where hopefully you will learn and choose to make changes or compromise for the betterment of the family unit.
~Practice forgiveness.
~Don't forget to be an individual.
~Don't forget to be a couple.

Bard · 07-11-2011, 10:59 PM

Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing..

My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon.
After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home..

on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family
Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner.

OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her
Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it
the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd
As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't
Sorry I have been long here
unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children

01-17-2011, 07:54 AM	#1
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	i am not, nor have i been a step-parent.. i have , however, had step-parents, AND have been in relationships where they've been a step-parent to my 2 children.. so i can relate with a lot in this thread.. i truly didn't understand how difficult it was for someone to enter a relationship with someone who already has children. it's taken some eye opening experiences to really get the giste.. i have never been a great disciplinarian, and now that my children are teenagers, it shows .. it's something i've been working on, as i'm too soft and have spent years of letting things go.. but, things have been much better this new year, it's been small steps with my children and tons of love to get things back to normal with some respect & lotsa love and just a better situation overall.. so once i am ready to get back into a relationship (which will be awhile yet) - things will be on a much healthier note..i can totally understand the pressures & stresses of being a stepparent - and will always be more mindful of it.. my parents separated when i was 8 years old.. i lived with my mother and seems i was always with a babysitter, day & night.. when she met my step a-hole (we don't get along) he moved right in.. she immediately took his side no matter how mean he was to me.. i was scared to even talk to him because of his outbursts, usually.. he woke up grumpy and was a bear right to the moment he went to sleep at night.. the emotional scars far surpass any physical scars he gave me.. eventually, my mother alienated me, i went to my father's when i was the age of 12.. my mother & i have never been close - and she has become so much like him, it's scary & quite sad, even. i do have a stepmother , however that is very much like a mother to me, moreso than my own.. i've always known i wasnt 'as' important as her own two children, and i tend to not get included when they do their things, still.. but it's okay, now because i have a better understanding what its like taking on someone else's child.. and the love she does show me, is something i'm so appreciative of to this day.. i could always depend on her, i know this... __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

01-17-2011, 02:28 PM	#2
JustJo Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: pushy broad Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Follow your heart; it knows things your mind cannot explain. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Southeast corner Posts: 5,633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 24,417 Thanked 25,406 Times in 4,660 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I was raised by a single mom, but never had a step-parent....lots of boyfriends who hung around or lived in at various time, but no one with the title. I also never exposed my son to a step-parent until now....and never was one myself. Now I'm both...and it's incredibly challenging. I'm not ready to post yet, but I'm reading. __________________ I'm not tall enough to ride emotional roller coasters

01-23-2011, 07:02 AM	#3
JustJo Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: pushy broad Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Follow your heart; it knows things your mind cannot explain. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Southeast corner Posts: 5,633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 24,417 Thanked 25,406 Times in 4,660 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Just coming back to bump this thread... ...we're having significant issues in this area, and I'd love to hear more about how people have successfully blended families without tearing their relationship apart. __________________ I'm not tall enough to ride emotional roller coasters

07-11-2011, 09:50 PM	#5
jelli Member How Do You Identify?: Femmilicious Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: And you said I wasn’t your type!!! Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: SC Posts: 836 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,758 Thanked 1,079 Times in 377 Posts Rep Power: 16588549	Reposting from my Father's Day FB post... "Happy T Day to my Tina. Almost 9 years ago I tried to tell her to run away and just when she thought it might be safe to stop running - run faster and further. T: Well how many kids do you have? Me: 5 T: (laughing) Me: No, seriously. (It's hard to believe she took the role for better or for worse). There's not a holiday that celebrates certain roles. I have this amazing partner in my life that 9 years ago accepted such a huge challenge of me and 5 kids. I don't really have the words for Tina. She has evolved ad continues to impress me. The judge asked "who will support this woman and her children?" T stood up and firmly stated "I will Your Honor" Every day since she has done everything she said she would do. She works her butt off to support the kids and I. Sure we have our moments like everyone else. We've had to compromise, change, and really dig deep for a better understanding of how certain families and relationships come together and in some cases not so much. My T - I can not thank you for what you've done and for what you've also endured in the name of loving me. My children have not always been accepting, forgiving, understanding, and/or appreciative... and yet you are still there. There is great joy and yet sadness when I don't feel as if you're given enough respect for ALL that you DO. I wish I had words to tell you what YOU mean to me. ♥ I AM SO PROUD TO LOVE YOU! I can't imagine loving and supporting kids that if push came to shove you have no laws to uphold any rights. You can't claim them as dependents for tax purposes even though you support more than 50%, and still have paid(when the law allows) to provide insurance. I could go on because I feel as if I am rambling trying to get my point across. I guess my point is I am thank for you on more days than this one." __________________ “Sometimes we make the right decision; sometimes we make the decision right.” “Every conflict is a lesson in self-discovery for both of us. Sometimes it's only hindsight that makes it worth it. For you, I would do it all again.“

07-11-2011, 09:58 PM	#6
jelli Member How Do You Identify?: Femmilicious Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: And you said I wasn’t your type!!! Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: SC Posts: 836 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,758 Thanked 1,079 Times in 377 Posts Rep Power: 16588549	Just a few tips... Things we have learned over the years: ~You're either going to California or you're not. All in or all out. ~Changes and compromise are going to take place. ~ You have to give to get and even sometimes then you get the short end of the stick. Just make sure you're intention is coming from the right spot so you don't build up a lot of resentment. ~When it comes to older kids/teens - leave the discipline up to the biological parent. ~Mistakes are going to happen and here again is where hopefully you will learn and choose to make changes or compromise for the betterment of the family unit. ~Practice forgiveness. ~Don't forget to be an individual. ~Don't forget to be a couple. __________________ “Sometimes we make the right decision; sometimes we make the decision right.” “Every conflict is a lesson in self-discovery for both of us. Sometimes it's only hindsight that makes it worth it. For you, I would do it all again.“

07-11-2011, 10:59 PM	#7
Bard Family Man How Do You Identify?: TG Male Preferred Pronoun?: Masculine ones Relationship Status: She just gets me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ..... Posts: 2,828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,997 Thanked 12,786 Times in 2,431 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing.. My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon. After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home.. on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner. OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't Sorry I have been long here unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children __________________ This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain And a hundred percent reason to remember the name! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.