Making Peace with Exes

[Erountree]

i tried making peace with ex's it just got worse shit out of it so i gave up tryin

[Brewcityboi]

my two greatest loves are now my best friends. I have been through hell and back with both of them and they know me almost better then i know myself. i think friendship is absolutly possible with exes of all forms. Even though the relationship never worked out, we grow from them. These 2 exes of mine have seen the absolute worst in me and when i get to that point, they can bring me out of it. Im also friends with many of my exes.

I think the other members have a point when they say it depends on the break up itself. My one relationship with this psycho, was the worst breakup i've ever had. Not to sound harsh but she can jump off a cliff for all i care, because it would make better place. She ruined my life. She has hurt too many other people i know. If you hurt my friends, we have some serious problems. Will i ever make peace with her? Probably not. I'm perfectly fine with that.

[sweetfemme247]

there is one thing I cannot do right now is forgive my most recent ex or even some ex's from years ago.... most of them hurt me very badly and I dont think they deserve to be forgiven right now......... most of them are decent people who I am still good friends with and some are just nasty and lie to much.

[Mtn]

I prefer remaining friends, unless they were really toxic, but as a rule, If I have loved you, even if the scope of that love has changed, I still love you, so why not be friends. Life is short and one can never have too many friends.

[Brewcityboi]

Originally Posted by Mtn

I prefer remaining friends, unless they were really toxic, but as a rule, If I have loved you, even if the scope of that love has changed, I still love you, so why not be friends. Life is short and one can never have too many friends.

hell yes! Thats so far my favorite post of the day!

[DapperButch]

I tend to not be friends with my exes. I have one or two that I may connect with from time to time, but not to really cultivate a friendship.

I hear others say that they obviously liked enough things in the person to date them, so why not be friends with them? I guess for me, I see it as being able to find other friends to meet those same needs/have similar characteristics that I enjoy.

Additionally, I think that it is important to have space and distance after a relationship ends so that both parties can heal. When I have ended with people I have also found it to be the most kind approach to be honest, as I think that the one on the receiving end of the breakup has a harder time letting go if contact continues.

I suppose after that I could reconnect, I just tend to choose not too. It can add difficulties in any new relationship you may have (in some cases), and I guess it is just not worth it to me?

In reading this over it seems kind of harsh or that I can just cut off feelings for others that I have dated. That is not true, I still have warm feelings in my heart for many of my exes. I guess I see losing the friendship as kind of a side effect of ending a relationship.

I have never had a nasty breakup, so that does not enter into my decision to not have friendships with exes.

[Soft*Silver]

I have discovered that time is the magic wand. I can pray. I can do therapy. I can sit in AA meetings, confessionals, do 4th, 5th, 6th, ,,8, 9 steps, take revenge, do more steps, move on, fail at more relationships, hunker down, sit celibate, pout, turn green, then blue, go straight, turn right, then left, go back, stop. Find myself. stop running. just sit there. Be. Wait. Let it happen. oh there it is. Forgiveness. Of me.

everything else follows suit...

[T4Texas]

I am friends with all my exes. It hasn't always been an easy road to that friendship, but it happened. I believe that you don't stop loving someone just because you stop sleeping with them or you can't cohabit with them. There was something that drew you to that person to begin with and for me, as long as I knew in my heart they were good people inside, that was what mattered.
I think exes are a problem for a lot of folks. You either hate them or love them and sometimes have to explain to your new significant others why you are still friends with them. I have never let other people's insecurities influence my friendships with exes or anyone else for that matter.
I live with my first ex. Five years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to stop working for a long period, she had me come to live with her. She paid my bills and the truck note I had just acquired for over a year until I was able to return to work. During our relationship, we had fought like cats and dogs, but time settled a lot of that down and she stepped up to the plate even though she didnt have to. While there are times she still drives me crazy, I would never abandon her as a friend. Whenever I meet someone I always have to explain that situation to them and watch the eyebrows go up at the mention of living with your ex.
My second ex left me for a man. We had lived together several years and it was a painful breakup for me. I stayed angry for more than a few years about it, but finally let go of all those hate feelings. I have visited her and her husband and found in some ways I liked him in spite of myself. She and I stay in touch.
My latest ex and I are working through the friendship angle. I feel that since we were friends before and during the time we slept together, that the basis for friendship is already there and it should not have to disappear just because our relationship status has changed. It's not that you have to spend time with these people, but you don't have to purge them out of your life either, unless they have done something really rotten to you. I used to be pretty vindictive about people that hurt me, but I have learned to forgive. Sometimes that forgiveness doesn't come right away, but eventually it does when I know they are good people at heart. I also take responsibility for my part in whatever caused the split, a feat some folks are incapable of doing.
I know I am loved by these women, even though we may not have a close relationship anymore. When I have been sick or in the hospital, they have come to see me or the phone calls increase, so I know they care. Having someone in your life that does care is half the battle, ex or not.

[Quintease]

I'm friends with some exes and not others. I've had many relationships, not all of them healthy. I think I've often mistaken intensity and possessiveness, for love and lust. When it's time to look back and reflect, I've realised I was unhappy for a reason, that there was nothing in that relationship that would make a friendship desirable.

Another obstacle in my way is that I haven't lived in the same city as an ex (who I was talking to) for many years. I have a few exes that I would very much like to stay in touch with, unfortunately we all live many miles from each other. Instead we occasionally [like] each other on Facebook.

[Julie]

It is five years ago today, that Rachel (my ex) killed herself.
We made peace with one another before she died.

I am so grateful we had the opportunity to make our peace - Otherwise, I might not have been able to forgive her or she might not have forgiven me and then what? We never would have had the chance and the healing.

We said I love you to one another the day before she died. I still feel guilty for not knowing. But you know, she knew she was loved at least by me - before she died. She might not have known. I know she loved me.

I love you Rachel ~ Be at Peace

[morningstar55]

some ya can......... some ya can't

[Sachita]

I have not had that many serious relationships, however there is a collection of people I dated where we decided we were better off as friends. If I liked you enough to date you then chances are you're a great friend.

I have two people that were more serious and for whatever reasons we just can't maintain a friendship. I try but the reason for us breaking up looms over and makes it difficult for me to trust them. There is a reason why they are ex's and this is often difficult to get beyond.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Originally Posted by morningstar55

some ya can......... some ya can't

enuff said!

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by bkisbutchenuff

enuff said!

I came here looking for some eloquence. Frankly, enuff said! may be perfect. Now if I can only get him to never speak to me again. I just started talking to my 9 years ago ex without yelling.

[Ravenouss]

Most of my exes are very close to me. They are "aunties" to my children, good friends to my wife, family to my family, best friends to me. That makes me feel really lucky and blessed.

A couple are gone from my life, and I feel lucky and blessed by that too.

[spritzerJ]

Inserting standard, No Exes Mentioned are Members here, statement...

I've a few exes. I won't rehash them all just the notables.

First ex I am not friends with. We tried at the end but we didn't have much to talk about. Life was pulling us in opposite directions. It was a fast and furious relationship of the uhaul quickly variety. We broke up. She did rehab, I moved away. I learned a lot and hope she did too.

One I am friends with. It took a long time to get to that place. Hurt feelings, strong personalities and all that to work through. She was who I was with when I had the General. I thought she'd be more "parent" like even at the end. It didn't go that way. Which has turned out fine. It has worked out so that the General has someone that still loves her and shares camping and wonderful experiences a couple times a year now. That Ex and I respect each others privacy and our friendship is based on mutual respect for the place they hold in the General's life.

Another I am not friends with. I tried, was just trying. Somethings do not change. (I am NOT saying people don't. I've experienced people that have.) We can't be friends because I can not trust her and the evidence supports that feeling. She showed up recently trying to make amends, show she is sorry, be friends. I think she is really trying. It has been 2 weeks of trying the friend route and I am exhausted and had more drama that I've had in months. She still has much to learn about boundaries and being appropriate. And I am not in the mood to teach that skill. She is obsessive about the General and that is just odd. Given the small span of time she was in the General's life it isn't appropriate. The General isn't comfy, I'm not comfy and my gy is super not comfy. With this one, I let go of the need to make the friends thing work just to see myself as capable of forgiving. I moved on and it is okay.

[Ginger]

I am always learning and forgetting, what I can tolerate and what I can't.

I am thinking of one ex that I loved very much, but realize I couldn't have stayed with. (Of course, it isn't someone on this site, and she probably doesn't even know it exists.)

This particular lover, "C," kept a rifle in the cabin where we stayed upstate on weekends, while her house was being built in the woods. The cabin was next to a pond, and we lit candles at night and played dominoes and talked, and the frogs were so loud by the end of the summer, we could barely hear each other.

We slept on a mattress on the floor, and the rifle stayed in the crevice between the head of the bed, and the cabin wall. Sometimes I would wake with my head butting into it.

Even if someone had appeared at the door to our cabin in the middle of the night, she wouldn’t have been able to use it—she was impossible to wake once she’d taken her “nightie-nights,” a handful of prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds for the PTSD that made her fear her brother was going to find her and kill her; hence the gun.

We took a lot of walks in the woods, and she set up tripods to photograph trees, and then began a series on mushrooms, because I loved them so much. We turned rotting logs over, and found ruby salamanders writhing in the damp ground. She’s the only person I’ve known who loved watching insects as much as I do. She could make dozens of bird songs, and collected abandoned nests, and noticed rocks, filling her bathroom sink in the City with them, water running over them to the drain, which made me a little nervous when I brushed my teeth, though I did love the rocks.

C had alpaca blankets she kept in the cabin, and we would wrap ourselves and sit on the front steps and watch the moon and the pond. We kept going up there, even when we could see our breath, and the leaves were turning orange.

I tried to talk to her about her brother, and whether it really was possible that he would look for her and kill her. Her fear made me afraid. When we broke up, I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have him, even the idea of him, out of my life. And I was glad not to wake with that gun near my head.

But I miss her.

[Ginger]

I am always learning and forgetting, what I can tolerate and what I can't.

I am thinking of one ex that I loved very much, but realize I couldn't have stayed with. (Of course, it isn't someone on this site, and she probably doesn't even know it exists.)

This particular lover, "C," kept a rifle in the cabin where we stayed upstate on weekends, while her house was being built in the woods. The cabin was next to a pond, and we lit candles at night and played dominoes and talked, and the frogs were so loud by the end of the summer, we could barely hear each other.

We slept on a mattress on the floor, and the rifle stayed in the crevice between the head of the bed, and the cabin wall. Sometimes I would wake with my head butting into it.

Even if someone dangerous had appeared at the door to our cabin in the middle of the night, she wouldn’t have been able to use the rifle—she was impossible to wake once she’d taken her “nightie-nights,” a handful of prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds for PTSD; she feared her brother—who had abused her for years—was going to find her and kill her, hence the gun.

We took a lot of walks in the woods, and she set up tripods to photograph trees, and then began a series on mushrooms, because I loved them so much. We turned rotting logs over, and found ruby salamanders writhing in the damp ground. She’s the only person I’ve known who loved watching insects as much as I do. She could make dozens of bird songs, and collected abandoned nests, and noticed rocks, filling her bathroom sink in the City with them, water running over them to the drain, which made me a little nervous when I brushed my teeth, though I did love the rocks.

C had alpaca blankets she kept in the cabin, and we would wrap ourselves and sit on the front steps and watch the moon and the pond. We kept going up there, even when we could see our breath, and the leaves were turning orange.

I tried to talk to her about her brother, and whether it really was possible that he would look for her and kill her. Her fear made me afraid. When we broke up, I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have him, even the idea of him, out of my life. And I was glad not to wake with that gun near my head.

But I miss her.

[thedivahrrrself]

I've always taken the high road in breakups. I give away way too much stuff. I tell everyone it was mutual and amicable, even if it wasn't. I don't force friends to take sides. Custody arrangements are made for dogs, and I don't break my promises there.

Usually this means eventually the ex apologizes for being an asshole. I don't usually find that we can be friends, though generally we keep in touch for a while during the grieving period. The two big breakups moved away, which helped us both in both situations. Maybe the last one and I would be closer friends if she had stayed nearby, but the distance means we just touch base once in a while. We are friendly and polite, but distant. I find she mostly calls to tell me how great her life is, even though I know she's often lying about that. But I don't call her out on it, why bother? If it makes her feel better, then so be it.

I burn bridges, but I burn them nicely.

[skeeter_01]

*The women i mention have never been part of this site, i highly doubt they know that there is such a site*


I've only been in 2 serious relationships, well 3 if you count my first lover. Yeah, I guess she was a real relationship, I met her at work, (hence the rule I live by now...'ya don't shit where ya eat'!!).

I'd never been with a woman before, I'd never even allowed my mind to think about it! But damned if I didn't fall head over heels in love with her. Long story short i told her how I felt and for the next 3 months she "teased" me. It wasn't 'mean' kind of teasing..it was VERY sexual..damn!!

We FINALLY 'got together' and in a week she was gone, she couldn't deal with it. Iwas absolutely crushed. That was 28 years ago, she's been in 2 long term relationships with women and is now married to a man..
It turns out my bff is a very close friend of hers so due to this, we have become very good friends! And now it's MY turn to tease her! LoL!! Just like she did me! IF ya catch my drift!

My next relationship (about 3 years and MANY AA meetings later!) lasted for 7 years. We should have just been friends. I should have never had that kind of relationship with her. She was so loyal and generous! She was so generous that she bought me my first PC. She told me, "there's these things called 'chat rooms' and you can talk with people all over the world! You're gonna LOVE it!!"

She was right. I loved the chat rooms! I eventually found gay.com and I was off and running! I managed to meet someone and had an affair. I ended up leaving my partner for her. I'm so ashamed I did that to her!! I'll NEVER do that again!! I still haven't forgiven myself for that I'm so not sure that I ever will.

From what I understand, she has moved out of state and had twins with her partner. I've heard she is still very venomous when it comes to the subject of me.

I was with the 3rd one ("the affair"), for 14 years. We raised her 2 boys together and then karma raised it's ugly head, she is now with my ex best friend. I really thought we were "till death do us part". We had been married in our church! We were a family!

No, I'm not friends with her. I don't know if i ever will be.

I understand the venom that my second partner had! I feel the same way about the 3rd one and her current partner. I'm having a REAL hard time letting go of the anger I have towards both of them. Thinking about them everyday...being pissed.

Then a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from my mom's, she lives about 45 mins away by highway. The song "American Pie" was on and I had it turned up and was singing along when suddenly, I heard a voice..wait, I'm just gonna cut and paste what I posted about this incident on facebook..

i've been wrestling with a pretty big resentment and as the years go by...i seem to get more and more angry and resentful....today...i was driving south on 23...heading home from my moms...."american pie" by don maclean was on my ipod and i was singing along and suddenly...i had one of those..."God moments"...i actually heard myself reciting this:

...He said, in effect: "If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

seriously WHILE i was singing along with american pie!! where in the world have i heard that particular piece?

this is page 552 in the "Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous"....

so now...i will pray....


So I did what it said, I prayed for them everyday. I asked that they have a loving, long lasting relationship. I haven't forgiven them but, I go 3 or 4 days without thinking about them! I'm begining to feel some peace...