Jokes and things that made you laugh.

Janstevie · 02-01-2011, 03:12 PM

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies

Rook · 02-02-2011, 08:55 PM

Beverly Hills Cop:

Quote:

Inspector Douglas Todd: You mind telling me where the fuck you come off going undercover without authorization from me? What the fuck is this all about? You wanna play some fucking bullshit cowboy cop? Go do it in somebody else's precinct!
Axel Foley: Don't you wanna hear my side of the story?
Inspector Douglas Todd: What's your fucking side of the story?
Axel Foley: Let's hear your side of the story.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Axel, I'm not takin' anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?
Axel Foley: I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.
Inspector Douglas Todd: You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief, the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where in the fuck did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?
Axel Foley: From the Dearborn Hijacking.
Inspector Douglas Todd: From the Dearborn Hijacking? That fucking bust went down last week! That truck is supposed to be in the damn pound!
Inspector Douglas Todd: Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every fucking thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Look, Boss, let me tell...
Inspector Douglas Todd: [emphatically] Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand.... Boss....? The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Don't fuck with me Axel ! Not now ! Go on. Go home.

Dutch:

Quote:

Dutch: Excuse me, I understand what you were saying to Natalie was personal. Well, I'm involved with her now so this is personal too; you hurt her and I'll hit you so fucking hard your dog will bleed, okay?
-------------------
Doyle: We have a very big problem here.
Dutch: I suppose we do. I have a problem because I told your mother I'd pick you up. And you have a problem because the last guy that punched me has a dent in his forehead the size of my pinky ring...and he dribbles when he smiles.
----------
Doyle: I don't hate my mother. For the record!
Dutch: Kiss my ass for the record!
----------
Dutch: [Doyle & Dutch are in a restaurant and Doyle claims he can kick Dutch's butt] Well, I won't cop to that, but I will say this. There's one thing I can do that you can't...
Doyle: [smug grin] Oh yeah? What?
Dutch: ...I can pay for my breakfast.

Soul Men:

Janstevie · 02-05-2011, 01:03 PM

Two men were out playing golf when a funeral procession went past. One of the men took off his cap and bowed his head until the cortege passed. The other man said, "That was a decent gesture." The man replied, "It was the least I could do. She was a damned good wife to me."

Guy · 02-05-2011, 01:31 PM

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, why the long face?

rlin · 02-05-2011, 03:52 PM

this string walks into a bar... hes all tangled up in the middle and his ends are just wakked outta shape...
he pulls up a stool and orders a beer...
bartender says "sorry guy... but we dont serve string in here..."
string says"... but... im not a string!"
bartender gives him the once over and asks "oh... youre not a string eh??"
string says... "nope... im a frayed knot!!"

Janstevie · 02-06-2011, 07:32 AM

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

Janstevie · 02-12-2011, 07:16 AM

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man
asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him..

02-05-2011, 03:52 PM	#5
rlin Member How Do You Identify?: human Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: nomad Posts: 712 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,450 Thanked 1,189 Times in 451 Posts Rep Power: 1004849	punny as hell! this string walks into a bar... hes all tangled up in the middle and his ends are just wakked outta shape... he pulls up a stool and orders a beer... bartender says "sorry guy... but we dont serve string in here..." string says"... but... im not a string!" bartender gives him the once over and asks "oh... youre not a string eh??" string says... "nope... im a frayed knot!!"

02-01-2011, 03:12 PM	#1
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	The Mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies

02-05-2011, 01:03 PM	#3
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Two men were out playing golf when a funeral procession went past. One of the men took off his cap and bowed his head until the cortege passed. The other man said, "That was a decent gesture." The man replied, "It was the least I could do. She was a damned good wife to me."

02-05-2011, 01:31 PM	#4
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, why the long face?

02-06-2011, 07:32 AM	#6
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

02-12-2011, 07:16 AM	#7
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	GOLFER AT THE DENTIST A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him..