PTSD and Trauma recovery

[friskyfemme]

I just want to let you know that I didn't forgive my father until 5yrs after he died. I think that my not forgiving him made me strong. It was my sense of power over him and what he represented to me. I had no interaction with him other than forced visits until I was 18 yrs old (my parents divorced when I was 15 yrsold. My dad died a horrible death beteen his cirrohis of his liver to kidney shutdown his heart actually burst. He died alone in his apartment. I didn't have a bit of sympathy for his demise. I did feel relief. Because for me, my dad had been dead to me for years ad finally it came to be real. I didn't cry for him. Until after he died, I never could cry. My dad always sighted crying as weakness and I wasn't about to ever show him my weakness. Now I am no longer bitter about him, but it took many years after his death for me to get there. Looking back I see I struggled to get my Bachelor's Degree because my Dad told me I was a no good 'c___t' and never would mount to anything. So, do what is good for you!

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

My father tells anyone who cries that they are cry babies. I actually had to look it up in the dictionary to figure out what he was saying. It wasn't in there. I ended up asking my older brother what our father was telling us. My brother told me to just ignore him.

My father is dying a very slow, death. I just pity him. He is not a man, but a weak human being. He can throw anything my way, and I just catch it and throw it back to him. Let him deal with it because I am long done playing that game.

Life is for the living, and to be lived.

Andrew

[Jet]

For the past several weeks I've relived a severe trauma that pretty much destroyed my life. To be honest, there have been moments that I didn't think I was going to make it through. Events have surfaced from the sub-conscience to the conscience and it is riveting to put it mildly. Since so much of this is fear based and deeply emotional, it's daunting to move through memories and keep my head on straight. I don't feel like myself; not even the same person. Worse, I think the damage is irreparable. For a long time I believed that I could beat this thing by purging the memories and the shock associated with them from my system. I feel like I've changed on the inside and I don't think the me that I knew will ever return. That saddens me beyond words. I can't help wondering who I'll be through the course of time after enduring hell for so long.

[HeartBreak Kid]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

For the past several weeks I've relived a severe trauma that pretty much destroyed my life. To be honest, there have been moments that I didn't think I was going to make it through. Events have surfaced from the sub-conscience to the conscience and it is riveting to put it mildly. Since so much of this is fear based and deeply emotional, it's daunting to move through memories and keep my head on straight. I don't feel like myself; not even the same person. Worse, I think the damage is irreparable. For a long time I believed that I could beat this thing by purging the memories and the shock associated with them from my system. I feel like I've changed on the inside and I don't think the me that I knew will ever return. That saddens me beyond words. I can't help wondering who I'll be through the course of time after enduring hell for so long.

This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!

[atomiczombie]

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

[PearlsNLace]

Without going into the details of why I relate to this thread, I will just say YUP, know those symptoms all to well.

Therapy, and meds when necessary, have both helped. It has also helped to have periods when NOT in therapy or on meds. I go back to them if/when I get into that isolative, unable to face day to day tasks, get out of the jammies/take a shower kinds of periods. Of wich, I am happy to report, have happened with less and less frequency over the years, and even more rare now with active involvement in a 12 step program that somehow provides tools that work even with the flashbacks.

Learning to take accountability for who I am TODAY, without seeing myself as resulting soley on the horrors of my earlier years really has been freeing. Its a balance of honoring what I have been through, without secrets or shame, vs not being defined by that trauma.

Pearls

[Andrew, Jr.]

Atomic,

I also stutter. It is another thing to toss in the mix of things I have going.

Andrew

[Jet]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're in a depression. Have you called your doctor to give you meds or readjust them? I wouldn't about transitioning at right now. That is life changing will require a lot of focus
and decision making. I think it may too much right now. First things first and one thing at time.

Call the doc. Get your meds and get what you need to get adjusted so that you feel better. Okay? And one more thing, you're not alone. Do you have friends you can call? And make sure you're eating right.

[Starbuck]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

Hi, atomiczombie, I'm not here to belittle your feelings, in fact I wish I could offer you a shoulder to cry on. But what I can do is simply remind you to remember to slowly take a deep breath in and then slowly let it out, moment by moment (if need be) if the big picture gets to looking too big. Deep breathing exercises help me when I get scared, angry, or a whole range of emotions. I hope that helped.

[Starbuck]

One more thought I'd like to add, there is hope and treatment available. If you are a Military Veteran, send me a private message and I can tell you what I did to find help. As far as civilians go, I'm sure some research on the internet will yield information on a local psychiatrist/psychologist/licensed clinical social worker that specialize in this matter and it can truly change your life! For those of you who suffer from nightmares, Prazosin (which is actually a blood pressure pill but has been proven to work in soldiers with PTSD) has worked wonders for me and Lunesta for sleep is (IMHO) hands down the best sleep med out there.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!

I am sorry you are broken. I know how that feels. But even still I won't give up on you putting yourself back together! Please refuse to allow yourself to stay broke. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to PM me if you would rather. I am a pretty good listener. I don't judge you. I strongly feel that you can heal. I will help if you allow me to. You are not here alone.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!

I didn't see this post until today. And I'm sorry I didn't because it's obvious you are in pain.

Here is what I would like to say to you:

I was spared the night of my trauma and spared again when I wanted to end my life. Finally, when nothing — and I mean nothing—worked and I hit bottom in my life, I said, to God "Okay, it's just you and me now. Either I'm going down the pike for good, or you're going to save my ass. Now what's it gonna be? Because you're my last hope."

I knew I was dying—from the inside out.

Well, it's been a year and a few months since the miracles and strength and courage and hope began for me. I have lived through horror over and over so I could cough it up and hand it to him. It scares the hell out of me. I'd like more than anything to claim that I'm one tough son-of-a-bitch, but I can't. I could not have pulled through this without God's help. And I'm still not quite done. Or I should say "we" are not done. But I'll tell you I'm feeling like me for the first time in 17 years, and that's huge because I'll be able to live again and do all the things I want to do.

What I'm trying to say to you is this: anything is possible with him. You could be guided to people you need, to the help or hope you need, you could suddenly find you have courage you didn't know you had, and you could discover, in a new light, that you have every right to life as he intended, and that you can make it because of the gifts and attributes he gave you. Most of all, you just may realize that you are worth the Almighty's time, and that makes you really important and loved.

But none of this will happen until you turn the worst of yours nightmares, trauma, terror, horror, and your demons over to him while you're dealing with trauma on this level. I'm not pushing God on anyone, but I believe it's arrogant to think that we are alone or so completely self-reliant and assured that we don't need a certain someone who knows all things and is more powerful than all things.

To often we give up too soon before he has a chance to work in our lives.
But I promise you, he'll put your broken spirit and heart back together in the most incredible ways if you let him.

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

I didn't see this post until today. And I'm sorry I didn't because it's obvious you are in pain.

Here is what I would like to say to you:

I was spared the night of my trauma and spared again when I wanted to end my life. Finally, when nothing — and I mean nothing—worked and I hit bottom in my life, I said, to God "Okay, it's just you and me now. Either I'm going down the pike for good, or you're going to save my ass. Now what's it gonna be? Because you're my last hope."

I knew I was dying—from the inside out.

Well, it's been a year and a few months since the miracles and strength and courage and hope began for me. I have lived through horror over and over so I could cough it up and hand it to him. It scares the hell out of me. I'd like more than anything to claim that I'm one tough son-of-a-bitch, but I can't. I could not have pulled through this without God's help. And I'm still not quite done. Or I should say "we" are not done. But I'll tell you I'm feeling like me for the first time in 17 years, and that's huge because I'll be able to live again and do all the things I want to do.

What I'm trying to say to you is this: anything is possible with him. You could be guided to people you need, to the help or hope you need, you could suddenly find you have courage you didn't know you had, and you could discover, in a new light, that you have every right to life as he intended, and that you can make it because of the gifts and attributes he gave you. Most of all, you just may realize that you are worth the Almighty's time, and that makes you really important and loved.

But none of this will happen until you turn the worst of yours nightmares, trauma, terror, horror, and your demons over to him while you're dealing with trauma on this level. I'm not pushing God on anyone, but I believe it's arrogant to think that we are alone or so completely self-reliant and assured that we don't need a certain someone who knows all things and is more powerful than all things.

To often we give up too soon before he has a chance to work in our lives.
But I promise you, he'll put your broken spirit and heart back together in the most incredible ways if you let him.

Amen!

That was such a powerful word you just shared Jet, and everything you said is true. God helped me overcome so much, and finally I received so much healing, self worth, my value in Him, not in my job or my car or how much I made, or who I was with, but as a woman, a child of God, a person set on this earth with a purpose and a spirit connected directly to Him.

I am praying for all of you to receive His healing power and grace, in Jesus name! Amen.

[Random]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

FF,

My father tells anyone who cries that they are cry babies. I actually had to look it up in the dictionary to figure out what he was saying. It wasn't in there. I ended up asking my older brother what our father was telling us. My brother told me to just ignore him.

My father is dying a very slow, death. I just pity him. He is not a man, but a weak human being. He can throw anything my way, and I just catch it and throw it back to him. Let him deal with it because I am long done playing that game.

Life is for the living, and to be lived.

Andrew

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

[Andrew, Jr.]

The only reason my bio-father is in my life is due to my mother. I cherish her, and the the ground she walks on. I only see her once a year, and that is not nearly enough, but that is due to my father.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Yes, that is part of it. Do you have seizures? It can be from the kind of seizures you have as well. It is called Partial Complex Seizures. I know my life would have been so different if we were treated back then instead of struggling all the time. Every thing is a struggle. I told someone once that I feel like I am on the sidelines of life while everyone else is on the playing field. They are able to keep moving up and have the options and things in life that I can only dream of.

No seizures. Just voices.

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Hi everyone!

So good to see you out and posting today! This is my first stop when I come in here...I look forward to it...watching us, share, learn, help, support, nurture, vent and all that we do...I feel more at home here than anywhere else...I post in others, but this has become my home thread, if you will....

As for the basket, that is so fabulous that you all are thinking about contributing...no gift too small, homemade is so special, I'm thinking of adding a jewelry set I've made as well as the pampering stuff...It sounds cool to me...

Apocalipstic, I hope you meant that comment for me about heaading up this basket donation cuz I am willing and ready and able...(I am already thinking of other things to add...)lol...

Andrew, hi brother! I missed you...Jet, glad to see you sharing again...Princess4U snaps to you, you're awesome! Braedon, I thank you for the hug back....I love hugs...Ima hug everybody when I see you (if/when) I see you at the reunion if y'all make it...

Apocalipstic, thanks for your thread and an opportunity to voice, vent, rant, encourage, respond and share here...you done good...(hope that doesn't sound condescending...)

Love, hugs and many blessings to you all--
Little Shug

I did mean you!
and thank you!

Originally Posted by Semantics

It could be auditory hallucinations, which can be a symptom of the PTSD.
There are specific treatments for auditory hallucinations and hopefully your therapist can help you.

We are working on it. I was having visual hallucinations too and those have mostly stopped for now.

Originally Posted by Rook

I sympathize with the auditory hallucination issue...
However...
I can safely say, you're gonna have a helluva ride finding decent hearing aids, especially if you hear quite alright, Unless u manage to get medical clearance {your psychologist/psychiatrist, for example, could recommend or prescribe a low dB hearing aid, inner ear type}
I'm profoundly Deaf, and I have a really...fucked up dandy time getting medical/insurance approval for 1, every 4 years [ they happily talk about cochlear implant, but that's a different issue, different thread ]

I do wish you good luck, if they say that'll help you.

I am hoping it is just part of my PTSD,
If it keep happening I will ask for more testing. Thank you

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Oh sorry, and hello to Apocalipstic and Rook--hadn't seen you around but I'm glad you're here, too...Have a great evening y'all...I'm trying to go to bed, but that inhalor they gave me makes me jittery and a little hyper so I am just lurking and trying to get sleepy cuz I need some sleep! The inhalor raises my blood pressure a little and I get fussy, like now, my puppy is irritating me and there's nothing to watch on the tv that captures my attention...geez....what is this...I need some chamomile tea...yeah..

Braedon, I wish you could come...maybe let's pray about it...and see what's in store for you...I promise if you make it and I make it, Ima give everybody here a hug...I already told my hunny...hy's okay with it...lol...

Good night all! God bless you greatly.

Love, Shug

I hate inhalers or anything speedy. I hope today you feel way better!
yeay for chamomile!

Originally Posted by Braedon

(((((((((((((Shug)))))))))))) If we could both make it I look forward to a hug, and I'm glad your honey is okay with it

I am 46 and just now learning not to care.

Originally Posted by Ms Cyn

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

Before I did separate myself from my father, I did not understand that I was strong enough to walk away. I stayed out of fear and some weird sense of duty.

Abusers are often manipulative, so many probably do not know why they stay.

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

The only reason my bio-father is in my life is due to my mother. I cherish her, and the the ground she walks on. I only see her once a year, and that is not nearly enough, but that is due to my father.

Does he treat her like he does you?

[Random]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Before I did separate myself from my father, I did not understand that I was strong enough to walk away. I stayed out of fear and some weird sense of duty.

Abusers are often manipulative, so many probably do not know why they stay.

I can somewhat understand that..

For me... I shut down.. I distance myself... The more *broke* I feel, the more *fragile* I am.. The more distant and cold I become.. Instinctive self protection.. If I can't feel anything, then nothing can hurt me.. Memories have no sway, words have no meaning... nothing touches me... For me.. sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing... If I shut down too hard, too fast, it can take months for me to be able to feel anything again..

But for me... Not feeling is better than crazy time...

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Ms Cyn

I can somewhat understand that..

For me... I shut down.. I distance myself... The more *broke* I feel, the more *fragile* I am.. The more distant and cold I become.. Instinctive self protection.. If I can't feel anything, then nothing can hurt me.. Memories have no sway, words have no meaning... nothing touches me... For me.. sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing... If I shut down too hard, too fast, it can take months for me to be able to feel anything again..

But for me... Not feeling is better than crazy time...

My experience has been pretty similar. We all develop different coping mechanisms and for me distancing works. Even as a kid, when I had no choice but to ge where I was (or kill myself ,someone else or run away) I buried myself in books and music and art. I escaped.

Today in therapy we discussed how this inertia...this inability to act has actually served me well.

I am not dead or in jail.