"You're Not A Lesbian......" So Annoying!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by kix4funchick

Okay well I have just decided to come out to whoever asks and I do identify as Pomosexual since I'm like -0.00000000000000000001/4% attracted to male-bodied people (like not even really attracted, but that's just saying that there's that much chance that I MIGHT be attracted to male-bodied people) and like a bajillion% attracted to female-bodied people. So basically, I'm a lesbian, but I just don't like labeling myself because....I just don't, and that's just me.

Okay, so because I don't feel like explaining my sexuality, I just say I'm gay. Because basically, I AM. Well there have been twice where I was told I wasn't. One woman was like "You're not a lesbian! You're bisexual!" Another was like "You're not gay, you just need to experiment." I found this to be annoying. How would anybody know what you are except for you? Plus I HAVE experimented. I've had enough boyfriends to know that guys just aren't for me.

Has anybody else had similar situations like this?

jesus. everyday when I first came out. you wouldn't *believe* how many of my dyke mates/dyke acquaintances/people in the local community told me I was not a dyke/a lesbian id'd bisexual/not really a lesbian/a piece of fluff etc etc etc.

I refused to ID as a lesbian for several years because of it. I just used queer. I thought "fine if you don't want me in your club, fuck you, I'm not."

then after a while, after moving cities a few times, meeting many people on websites and events etc, I personally realised only I get to define what lesbian means to me. I also really don't appreciate some wankstain telling me who I am. you aren't a lesbian just makes me roll my eyes - and I rarely ever hear it now, due to where I live now. when I do hear it, it's from newly out dykes with something to prove in a line up for gay club.

I only get that annoying question/statement from long term queers when I go out in a town, rather than a big city. they basically need to get out a bit more, as they obviously haven't lived outside their social group since the 80's.


Normally it's because they are inexperienced. Age doesnt' have much to do with it though - I had plenty of islander dykes in their 40's telling me I wasn't lesbian. They were just very small town and hadn't bothered travelling much or living outside their social circle. It's a dead give away they haven't experienced much lately in their lives.

It says absolutely nothing about you and exposes them for their a) ignorance and b) How many pieces of toilet paper do you use when you take a dump? cause you aren't wiping well enough. That shit is sticking to you.

[Tangle]

While I don't actually identify as a "lesbian," I so understand the disappointment and indignance brought on by people in the queer community who question my stated identity and tell me that the way I love is just too different. People in the dyke community - who *should* understand the need for non-judgment and a person's right to determine her own boundaries and definitions - can be extremely boxed in. I guess it's just the story of humanity that we all want to identify self from other, in from out, safe from threat ... but it is just plain hurtful sometimes when you expect to feel like you're in a safe space, and a big part of your core self (who you love and how you express it) is criticized.

I guess the beauty of experience, though, is the grace to be able to say "fuck it" and live your life. With a smile and curtsie!

[PumaJ]

It seems that some folks just can't see past stereotypes, even in our community and in the Queer community in general.

I've never been hassled or told I'm not a Lesbian, or am too Femme to be a Lesbian by anyone in the communities I've hung out in. There have been a few hetero guys who've had some trouble wrapping their brains around the concept over the years and recently a young Bi guy questioned me. But, overall I've not gotten the "you're not a Lesbian" accusation from others within the community. Maybe it is living on the West Coast that makes the diff, IDK.

Within a couple to three years of coming out, I got hassled a bit by some of the radical lesbian feminists in my outer circle about being "too femme". They didn't like that I wore mascara. The Dykes who were really Butches never hassled me, and the "older" Butches and Femmes encouraged me.

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by PumaJ

I've never been hassled or told I'm not a Lesbian, or am too Femme to be a Lesbian by anyone in the communities I've hung out in. There have been a few hetero guys who've had some trouble wrapping their brains around the concept over the years and recently a young Bi guy questioned me. But, overall I've not gotten the "you're not a Lesbian" accusation from others within the community. Maybe it is living on the West Coast that makes the diff, IDK.

def not the west coast that makes the diff... i've been told by heteros i'm too "femme" to be a lesbian, that it's just a phase.. haha and i've been told by b/f i'm not "femme" enough or i'm not "femme" in the right way. i am so glad that THEY don't get to decide.

[NJFemmie]

I think EVERY lesbian has experienced the "you're not a lesbian" theory at some point in their lives. Point blank, no one can tell you how and what to feel, and especially can't tell you who you should have those feelings for ...
so, rock on lesbian. Dare to be yourself - whoever that may be.

[Lillie]

As a Femme who is out at work I don't usually get the shock and awe look!..HOWEVER..when I first came out at work no one would believe me some made ignorant statements like "no way..you have kids..you know you love cock" ..others would say "but your so limited sexually" When I told the straight chicks that it is them who are limited sexually you could see their wheels turning..lol..it shut them up and I am sure that there were some very happy husbands that night! lol. Either way the only statement about "your not a lesbian" or "your only a lesbian because of" (insert traumatic even of your chosing here) bothers me more than anything else said to me by straight folks.. I was abandoned by my mother so therefore I seek a womans companionship..that one gets me everytime!..

gives credence to "ignorance is bliss" I guess.

have a great Hump day!

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Lillie

As a Femme who is out at work I don't usually get the shock and awe look!..HOWEVER..when I first came out at work no one would believe me some made ignorant statements like "no way..you have kids..you know you love cock" ..others would say "but your so limited sexually" When I told the straight chicks that it is them who are limited sexually you could see their wheels turning..lol..it shut them up and I am sure that there were some very happy husbands that night! lol. Either way the only statement about "your not a lesbian" or "your only a lesbian because of" (insert traumatic even of your chosing here) bothers me more than anything else said to me by straight folks.. I was abandoned by my mother so therefore I seek a womans companionship..that one gets me everytime!..

gives credence to "ignorance is bliss" I guess.

have a great Hump day!

Wow, sounds like some of the comments made to you at work constitute sexual harassment.

[starryeyes]

Yes, yes, yes. This happens all the time. Even at Queer events. How could I possibly be a Lesbian!? I dress nice, I wear heels, I wear make up, and I have designer bags. I am just a faghag... yeah that's it! And, I get this the most from our butches, unfortunately **frown**

I have used this as an opportunity to educate... that's all we can do!

Love to you all!
Starry

[WILDCAT]

Originally Posted by tanglelips

While I don't actually identify as a "lesbian," I so understand the disappointment and indignance brought on by people in the queer community who question my stated identity and tell me that the way I love is just too different. People in the dyke community - who *should* understand the need for non-judgment and a person's right to determine her own boundaries and definitions - can be extremely boxed in. I guess it's just the story of humanity that we all want to identify self from other, in from out, safe from threat ... but it is just plain hurtful sometimes when you expect to feel like you're in a safe space, and a big part of your core self (who you love and how you express it) is criticized.

I guess the beauty of experience, though, is the grace to be able to say "fuck it" and live your life. With a smile and curtsie!

__

I would LOVE for your "stated identity; your right to determine your own boundaries and definitions" to be understood and respected - as I would love for mine to be as well. Especially in our community.



Thank you so much for sharing this.


(*Thanks for letting me share here... WILDCAT)

[PumaJ]

Rock on Aryka!

[Quintease]

The first person who told me I 'wasn't really a lesbian' was the second lesbian friend I ever had and just as femme as me! 5 years later she got with the man who is now her husband.

Since then I've had it from Drag Queens ('watch her, she's clearly not a lesbian), gay men ('are you a lipstick lesbian?'), straight men in gay clubs ('I saw you and thought, no, she's not a lesbian'), other lesbians ('so, you like sleep with men as well don't you?'), and straight couples at gay prides/events ('you're so pretty you can't be a lesbian, you could have any man you want!'). It was all so IRRITATING!

Only now I really am with a man and suddenly its 'What? But you're a LESBIAN! What's going on?'. One of my friends even warned my bf not to get 'too attached' as I was clearly going to break his heart.

I think people just like to be contrary, so you may as well stick to Pomosexual.