For the T-Femmes and SOFFAs...

[julieisafemme]

Thank you so much for this!!! I went to Gender Odyssey this year and that sounds similar to the conference you went to. I was amazed at the diversity in the trans community and that there was a such a diversity in the partners.

I have had such a difficult time trying to figure out this whole ID thing because I came out and then my partner. To a lot of people this suddenly labeled me as a transsensual femme. I don't know if this fits me. But I was worried about saying that because then it might offend somebody. My partner does not care either way. He is not offended or believe that my ID is in any way dependent on his.

I completely agree with the taboo subject of transmen with other transmen or butches. At the conference many partners were worried about their partner's sexual orientation changing during transition. It was a source of fear and pain for many. It was also a source of pain that many partners and couples felt shunned from their lesbian community because if their partner's transition. I have felt that way sometimes.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I am a genderqueer femme. Whilst I understand the evolution of t-femme and SOFFA I cannot with a clear conscience for *ME* adhere to those ideologies.

I'm not a piece of furniture. My Femme gender is not evolved or co-transitioned by loving somebody who is transgender. I mean no snark. It is just amazing to me that others expect MY I.D. to change in regards to my love interests.

I found it very interesting to attend a Forge Forward Conference a few years ago and upon arriving in Wisconsin I noticed that there were very few Femmes in attendance. I had to check my preconceived notions at the door and be open to learning. I was surrounded by these beautiful transgender folk and in MY mind I was imposing what I thought should be on them. I sat in the lobby and was amazed (and turned on) by the many butches/trans guys who were coupled with each other. I felt like I was peeking into a secret world as an intruder. Because let's face it. Trans guys loving each other and Butch people loving each other/trans guys has been a taboo subject.

People in online communities try to start conversations but the threads sizzle out like a bad bottle rocket on July 4th because it is so damn taboo. Of course, my swiss cheese mind finds it hot. Attending classes and workshops I ended up feeling this overwhelming joy in my heart for the coupling of such variety of masculine id'd, female id'd butches and trans guys. Swoon.

Not once did it enter my mind that "Oh my God! The dating pool for Femmes just got more miniscule. We must not let this happen.". One of my heroes S. Bear Bergman was there. It was the weekend Ze fell in love with Secret Agent Lover Man. Bears journey was evolving and ze was becoming the hair product placing fag ze was always meant to be. I loved that. It broke my heart a little to see how Femmes reacted to this. After all, ze had written "Butch is a Noun" and had every Femme from every continent searching for a way to clone such a nice Jewish Boy.

Most striking was the "Couples Suport Group". I think eight people showed up. A lot of Femme participation sans Trans Lover, who had other things to do. It felt so odd to me that there weren't more people attending.

Lots of convo situated around the ID of the Femme now that she was with a transguy. Was she straight? Had she lost her queer community? What of her autonomy? I didn't see/hear any trans guys willing to be femmesexual. I just kept getting butted in the head with how these Femmes were changing to acommodate their trans counterparts. The T shots. The after care of top surgery. Living stealth, or not. It seemed to me like Femmes were doing a lot of work in the transitions.

Don't get me wrong, it is not a seamless process. But for goodness sakes where is the communication? The family consensus? Couples are a team, are they not? With enough hard work everyone's needs can be met.

So I have a lot of thoughts on this subject. I am NOT trans, therefore my Femme gender will never ever change to straight to pacify my partners needs. I am who I am regardless. Dating, Married or Single. I will do my best to be supportive and to talk out the hard stuff. But I will not take hys stuff on as my own. I am not just a significant other, I am a wife.

What works for me, may totally not work for others. I don't think there is a right or wrong scenario. We all have to navigate how we have to.

For me though, when a high dosage of T is affecting our children? We are going to discuss in Therapy. For ME being asked to be something I am not is not negotiable. Changing my label like a T dosage isn't going to happen. Let's reverse it. What if I requested that my transguy ID as FemmeSexual? Or QueerSexual? That is trying to fit them into my box and I'd raher have two boxes with a secret passage way in between.

I have this thing about falling in love with the total human being, not just the sex/gender or evolution thereof.