Age... an issue?

Bard · 03-25-2011, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I sure hope I didn't offend anyone.

The issue I took, with contemplating dating this younger girl, is mainly because she's still in that "player" mindset, and whether she realises it or not - she comes off as someone who's only interested in one thing. I'm a lady, I have a lot of class (despite what others may assume) and I've just grown out of that. I'm not saying I want a relationship, but I certainly don't want to be "just another girl."

If that makes sense?

It is not that I was offended I just get cranky when people judge or are in a way condescending of the age difference. to me love is hard to find harder to hold. I have been through a lot with Desd in a way she heals the parts in me that are broken she understands me and judges me not she gets me it is kind of like to lost ships that collided she is a old soul and me I am kind of peter pan.. My daughter loves Desd and yes my kiddo is young only 7. but yes the may - december romance is not for everyone but I have seen enough to know you dont spit in the face of love. so I will walk this path with Desd with my head held high in May of 2012 with both of our family and many friends by our sides we will be bound together and I will commit to her all that I am >>> the poor dear

proximitywithoutintimacy · 03-25-2011, 11:33 AM

I'm not the type of person who judges anyone; I suppose I'm just pretty clear on what I want, whether I'm dating someone or trying to develop a relationship. I've found that in my age bracket, dating someone younger isn't an option for me. At least, not someone who's significantly younger, because I do hold a place in my heart for a girl who's twenty-one <3 I think it just depends on the person, really, but I also believe that someone who's nineteen and doesn't really have a lot of experience with life... wouldn't mesh with me, so to speak

I am getting to know this person who's 29 and so far I just adore her

Dating someone who is older than me, has always been a positive experience, and I just see it as what works for me - just as it may not work for someone else. We're all different, hey?

PumaJ · 03-25-2011, 01:59 PM

This is really such a personal issue, isn't it?

It is my belief that we are each Spiritual Beings inhabiting human bodies living lives over time, in the mundane. As Beings of Spirit we are ageless. However, all too obviously, that is not the case with the human bodies we inhabit and that is where I see the issues of maturity coming into the picture.

For myself, sometimes the daily stuff of life in the mundane overwhelms the knowingness of my self as a Being of Spirit. I hope always that I am never so overwhelmed that my knowingness is obscured so totally that I forget the truth of who I am or become unable to see the truth that others are also Beings of Spirit living human lives.

Those that I've been in intimate relationships with have tended to have a similar view. Not, always, though. But I think that with such a view it would be easier to love across differences in age.

Speculation only on my part at this point, because I don't have any real time experience in the area of big age differences, and I'm not looking for love or an intimate relationship at this time. I can say, however, that in the past, my view has afforded me the opportunity to love across the lines of race, religion, culture and economic background.

daisygrrl · 03-25-2011, 03:54 PM

I truly empathize with Dixie’s post. I am more attracted to “older” partners; and it has always been. When I began college, my parents laughed and said that I was going to marry one of my professors. Since then, three of my partners and I have shared approximately 22-24-year age gaps.

True, “maturity” (a term that is subjective) is not defined by age; however, I do agree that many experiences come with age—simply by virtue of time. However, everyone is different—and has encountered different experiences, some of which “mature” our outlook “earlier.”

As for the retirement issue, I would also like to mention that is also an issue of socioeconomics. Sadly, not everyone has the luxury to retire. And, like Puma, I have dated and befriended individuals from various cultures, classes, etc.; I firmly believe that “differences” do not necessarily have to be gaps to conquer—but actually can be appreciated (and this goes for age and experiences).

Some relationships work, and some do not; I can see where some issues that may be age-related may make a relationship less successful—but those situations are going to depend on the individuals (her/his/hys/ze’s wants, needs, goals, etc.).

Just a few of my thoughts

princessbelle · 03-25-2011, 04:10 PM

I pretty much have always dated older people. Not way older but roughly my age or a couple of years older. Younger is ok to. I guess i pretty much think 5-6 years either way is really close enough to be considered "my age".

But more than that.....it would be more of a cultural difference that i would be more worried about than anything. Music, movies, sayings and memories of even political events would be lost and it would feel weird to say, explain to someone what watergate was or whatever.

So, IMO 6 either way ok. Anything more? Would have to really be something special.....really, really, really special.

Daywalker · 03-25-2011, 04:21 PM

Age was not an issue in my last relationship...until she made it one.

Almost 13 years older than I, she began to convince herself that she was too
old to hang out with our friends anymore, etc, etc. I rode out the Menopause
issues (hers) for a year n a half. She never crawled out of the icky parts of it.

She took anti-depressants, and a few other medications for various things.
After dealing with lack of intimacy for almost a year and a half ~ we became
estranged and I could no longer handle the 'reasoning' behind her not taking
action to improve the lack of intimacy. There was a pill she could take to
improve what the other pills were killing, her sex drive.

She said 'I already take so many other pills...'.

That one hurt me inside. I slept on the couch for over a year.

All in all, it began with her making our age difference...an issue.

I wish her well n stuff, but she made it an
issue and allowed it to dwindle us from there.

AtLast · 03-25-2011, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daywalker

Age was not an issue in my last relationship...until she made it one.

Almost 13 years older than I, she began to convince herself that she was too
old to hang out with our friends anymore, etc, etc. I rode out the Menopause
issues (hers) for a year n a half. She never crawled out of the icky parts of it.

She took anti-depressants, and a few other medications for various things.
After dealing with lack of intimacy for almost a year and a half ~ we became
estranged and I could no longer handle the 'reasoning' behind her not taking
action to improve the lack of intimacy. There was a pill she could take to
improve what the other pills were killing, her sex drive.

She said 'I already take so many other pills...'.

That one hurt me inside. I slept on the couch for over a year.

All in all, it began with her making our age difference...an issue.

I wish her well n stuff, but she made it an
issue and allowed it to dwindle us from there.

This brings up something I have been thinking about- I wonder if the "older" person has more "issues" around age difference?

This could just be part of all that goes with aging. For example, I have heard from older friends that started dating someone quite a bit younger 9talking 15-20 + years right now) that they don't trust in the relationship because "she will eventually find someone younger and leave anyway." Or, they feel (LOL, as we do realize our bodies are changing) that there will be serious differences in physical activity levels as time goes on, including sexual desire, etc. Then, there are the life stage issues I brought up- getting to a different place in terms of work/careers and how we want to spend time as we age. And, as you bring up, Daywalker- menopause! It ain't fun 9for either partner) most of the time.

I think that are also "social norms" that can be involved, too. How many times have you heard a person make a negative remark about a couple with many years between them- like "look at that old fart with that young thing." On the other side, the younger person can be put down because she is a "gold digger." Then there are the women that have been dumped by men in het marriages after many years when the husband takes off with the young secretary. just people making remarks about how they don' get why the younger person could possibly touch the older one- people are pretty cruel and judgemental.

How these kinds of things cut across our B-F dynamic could differ, but there is a "age" thing in our culture that isn't very accepting of relationships with huge age differences.

With all of the points we are bringing up, it seems to me that yes, it is really a personal choice and we all have things we would accept or not. But, I bet in general, the older person has many more issues with the age difference- and insecurities about how it will work out. I could be very wrong- so I'd like to hear from others about this.

03-25-2011, 01:59 PM	#3
PumaJ Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Queer Feminist Preferred Pronoun?: she, her Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Portland Metro, Oregon Posts: 200 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,419 Thanked 500 Times in 147 Posts Rep Power: 1652642	This is really such a personal issue, isn't it? It is my belief that we are each Spiritual Beings inhabiting human bodies living lives over time, in the mundane. As Beings of Spirit we are ageless. However, all too obviously, that is not the case with the human bodies we inhabit and that is where I see the issues of maturity coming into the picture. For myself, sometimes the daily stuff of life in the mundane overwhelms the knowingness of my self as a Being of Spirit. I hope always that I am never so overwhelmed that my knowingness is obscured so totally that I forget the truth of who I am or become unable to see the truth that others are also Beings of Spirit living human lives. Those that I've been in intimate relationships with have tended to have a similar view. Not, always, though. But I think that with such a view it would be easier to love across differences in age. Speculation only on my part at this point, because I don't have any real time experience in the area of big age differences, and I'm not looking for love or an intimate relationship at this time. I can say, however, that in the past, my view has afforded me the opportunity to love across the lines of race, religion, culture and economic background. __________________ PumaJ

03-25-2011, 03:54 PM	#4
daisygrrl Member How Do You Identify?: mouthy but adorable; kinky Gerbera Preferred Pronoun?: hey, cutie (or dudette) Relationship Status: xoxo Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The South (Gooogia peach) Posts: 475 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,157 Thanked 524 Times in 223 Posts Rep Power: 1065210	I truly empathize with Dixie’s post. I am more attracted to “older” partners; and it has always been. When I began college, my parents laughed and said that I was going to marry one of my professors. Since then, three of my partners and I have shared approximately 22-24-year age gaps. True, “maturity” (a term that is subjective) is not defined by age; however, I do agree that many experiences come with age—simply by virtue of time. However, everyone is different—and has encountered different experiences, some of which “mature” our outlook “earlier.” As for the retirement issue, I would also like to mention that is also an issue of socioeconomics. Sadly, not everyone has the luxury to retire. And, like Puma, I have dated and befriended individuals from various cultures, classes, etc.; I firmly believe that “differences” do not necessarily have to be gaps to conquer—but actually can be appreciated (and this goes for age and experiences). Some relationships work, and some do not; I can see where some issues that may be age-related may make a relationship less successful—but those situations are going to depend on the individuals (her/his/hys/ze’s wants, needs, goals, etc.). Just a few of my thoughts __________________ You can’t change that system by just getting your own rights, tinkering with the engine and leaving. You have to take on the whole machine. --Riki Anne Wilchins Hold on to the lessons, let go of the pain. --Leslie Feinberg

03-25-2011, 04:10 PM	#5
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,497 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I pretty much have always dated older people. Not way older but roughly my age or a couple of years older. Younger is ok to. I guess i pretty much think 5-6 years either way is really close enough to be considered "my age". But more than that.....it would be more of a cultural difference that i would be more worried about than anything. Music, movies, sayings and memories of even political events would be lost and it would feel weird to say, explain to someone what watergate was or whatever. So, IMO 6 either way ok. Anything more? Would have to really be something special.....really, really, really special. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou Last edited by princessbelle; 03-25-2011 at 04:13 PM.

03-25-2011, 04:21 PM	#6
Daywalker Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Hippy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 3,750 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,499 Thanked 11,916 Times in 2,700 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Age was not an issue in my last relationship...until she made it one. Almost 13 years older than I, she began to convince herself that she was too old to hang out with our friends anymore, etc, etc. I rode out the Menopause issues (hers) for a year n a half. She never crawled out of the icky parts of it. She took anti-depressants, and a few other medications for various things. After dealing with lack of intimacy for almost a year and a half ~ we became estranged and I could no longer handle the 'reasoning' behind her not taking action to improve the lack of intimacy. There was a pill she could take to improve what the other pills were killing, her sex drive. She said 'I already take so many other pills...'. That one hurt me inside. I slept on the couch for over a year. All in all, it began with her making our age difference...an issue. I wish her well n stuff, but she made it an issue and allowed it to dwindle us from there. __________________ www.SirDaywalker.com

03-25-2011, 11:33 AM	#2
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	I'm not the type of person who judges anyone; I suppose I'm just pretty clear on what I want, whether I'm dating someone or trying to develop a relationship. I've found that in my age bracket, dating someone younger isn't an option for me. At least, not someone who's significantly younger, because I do hold a place in my heart for a girl who's twenty-one <3 I think it just depends on the person, really, but I also believe that someone who's nineteen and doesn't really have a lot of experience with life... wouldn't mesh with me, so to speak I am getting to know this person who's 29 and so far I just adore her Dating someone who is older than me, has always been a positive experience, and I just see it as what works for me - just as it may not work for someone else. We're all different, hey?