Long Distance - How do you cope?

[Silverseastar]

Thanks for the ideas Julie, especially the last part about no alternative. Very good way to evaluate it.

[DaddyMenace]

::settling in, watching the thread::: such good advice already.

The alternative, as I said, it simply NOT an option.

Sir

[DapperButch]

Have you guys met in person yet? It is not completely clear from your post.

If you haven't met yet, I'd say do that first before becoming overwhelmed. I only ask because I have seen people describe themselves as being in a relationship and even pronoucing love before they have even met (and often it is not clear from their posts that they haven't). One never knows if they will be a match until they actually meet. Don't put the cart before the horse.

If you have met...ummm...listen to Julie!

The longest distance I have done was 5 hours away and that was doable. That was a relationship I wasn't looking for. Long distance has never been an option for me. I figure if I don't know what I am missing (a person I have never met), than I am not missing anything!

Good luck. Lots of people make it work.

[Silverseastar]

*giggles*

Yes of course we've met. Oh my goodness did we meet. That is exactly why it's SO hard.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Silverseastar

*giggles*

Yes of course we've met. Oh my goodness did we meet. That is exactly why it's SO hard.

You may find it strange that one would profess a relationship before meeting, but it certainly happens!

(not that there is something wrong with that )

[PapaC]

DapperButch raises a very good point though. So often people say they're in relationships with someone they haven't met in person, and I look at that and cringe (based on personal experience, not trying to be all judgey over here).

Anyway, I'm in a perpetual long distance relationship. Going on 9 years, 5 of it married (in Victoria, BC --- waving across the waters to you Silverseastar). I'm in/always have been in Canada, my wife is in California. Some years it's been great, other years it's been disasterous.

We've had years where we saw each other once every 2 months (that seems like a luxury now), and other times it's been once or twice a year.

Communication and visits and all that blah blah blah that's been mentioned is all great advice. But I caution anyone: This may not be for you. The longer you're in a LDR, particularly as you grow more attached/in love with this person, the harder it's going to be for you. Especially if you're a physical person.

How one copes is ... tricky. Right now, I'm trying to cope by taking care of myself, and making myself priority #1. But anyone who knows me at all knows this hasn't been the case (for many years). I cope by making strides that matter in my life: whether I'm married or not. This might sound harsh to you while you're in the beginning stages of new relationship energy. But you'll feel the tugs and strains of longing like you've never felt before. I find it analogous to being an immigrant and leaving close family behind. I watched my own mom suffer over the years, longing to be 'back home' with her sisters. Endless phone calls when it used to cost $2/min to call Europe.

Long distance relationships can be a money and energy draining monster. Do you have the resolve? Time will tell right? Do you have a plan to be together one day? Again, time will tell.

I may sounds like a downer but I am presenting a reality check here.

Good luck

[Silverseastar]

Thanks for sharing the challenges PapaC although it is a little heartbreaking to hear.

If all progresses nicely I would not stay living apart more than we would absolutely have to. The maximum I would hope that would be is 4 years. I'm willing to relocate.

I agree that there is a huge emotional cost and commitment and thanks for being honest about what they are for you. I do know people who do it successfully however. I'm just hoping we will be those people.

L.

[PapaC]

Well sure, and it also depends on how you define 'success'. right?
There's been a LOT of good stuff along the way. Don't get me wrong.

One thing I'd stress is: be aware of the limitations of long distance but don't let it limit you. Don't let it be the key factor to not growing or not loving.

For example, we're not as prone to just 'running away' from an arguement anymore. We're not as prone to... ignoring the other (because it can be SO effin' easy to do when it's hard and long distance).

Both of us have .... taken great strides to staying connected, even when it's hard. Being aware that a challenge or fight doesn't spell 'the end'

But like when it comes to fights/arguements it is so much harder to talk it out long distance versus say, when you're with that person, a hand is placed on a thigh and all is forgiven in that moment. We don't have that ... luxury, but beccause we have been together for periods of time where we know what that feels like, we can draw on past experiences of being together, and say... yes, we can cope/survive/work through the hardship.

So I don't mean to be doom and gloom about it. And I am talking during a time where it's been a challenge, but I hope you can glean a bit of wisdom/perspective from this even so.

I wouldn't shy away from another LDR even now, because I know the risks. And every LDR is different too

that's all I have for now. I hope however you cope you continue to find ways to stay connected. It's not always the same way. If txting doesn't work, use email, if email isn't the same, skype. Use video, use the phone. ... be sure to not remain "stuck" in any one method of communication. and most of all: be true to yourself.

[Scorp]

In MY case, I am living proof that it works. I'm not speaking on behalf of anyone else but myself. I know/knew a lot folks who did the long distance thing and it ended up being disasterous. You really need to do be sure it's the right thing for you and mostly, be sure the person you're having these feelings for is the REAL THING. It takes a lot of time, communication, patience, trust, etc. etc.

You need to be careful and stick to your gut instinct if something isn't right. Don't take what you're feeling for granted in that respect. Luckily I have great intuition and know when something just doesn't feel right.

A lonnng time ago, I use to talk to a ton of girls long distance and can honestly say, very few were the real thing and had qualities I liked. Think with your head. If I was falling for someone I wanted everything out on the table, it probably felt as though they were being put on a witness stand. I'm not a freak in that way, but, I wanted/needed to be sure, especially if I was considering having an ldr.

Also, I didn't want any broken promises made. Been there, done that. And now that I mention that, maybe that's why I wanted to be sure I wasn't getting myself into something that was bad (somewhat) like the first time.

In my first LDR it was for other reasons that it didn't work out and I was in that long distance relationship for 4 years. Toward the end there were a lot of problems, between the distance playing a big factor, and broken promises made to me, bla bla bla. Finally I couldn't deal with it anymore because of excuses and she couldn't commit to relocating after she told me many times she would. It was best for both of us.

I can't believe I had the patience to wait for her all that time, but again, there were other red flags and it was time for me to break it off. And, to be honest, toward the last few months of that relationship, I started to stray. I knew in my heart it was over.

I had NO interested in doing a long distance relationship ever again. It was time consuming and not to mention, my heart was broken. After the break up, I come to realize maybe I "thought" I was in love. But after everything, I realized it possibly wasn't. That experience grew me up a lot and I learned a lot from it. I lost 4 years of my life and wanted some "ME" time and the last thing I was thinking about was getting into another relationship.

So needless to say, I was against long distance relationships and basically didn't want to get involved with anyone else whatsoever, and mostly anyone who wasn't in located in my state. I'm no glutton for punishment.

Then lo and behold time went by and it happened...I was like wtf??? I can't let this happen again. Why the fuck am I digging girls who are not local??!! I never expected for this to happen, but...it did...

We talked on the phone every single day and night (very long hours during the night), would use vacation time (thankfully I got 4 weeks time each year) I would go see her and she would spend her vacations at my place) 1 - 2 weeks at a time. We could also plan accordingly because we both didn't have children and that was also a factor for us. We could be spontaneous with phone calls, visits, just about everything.

After one year of doing the long distance thing, she relocated to be with me. The first year we both continued to live in our own apartments (we were 2 or 3 miles from one another). Then after one year again, we moved in with each other.

With this, it's now recently been a total 9 years for us. We bought a home 4 years ago, have 2 fur babies and...We're finally getting married next month.

I hit the jackpot with having a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, woman in my life. Of course we have our moments just like any other couple, but it sure is a great relationship.

Mostly, be smart and make sure it's the right decision for you. Try and visit as often as you can with each other. The same also applies for skyping, phone calls, whatever you can do.

I look back and say "wow". If someone were to tell me 9 years ago I would be in the relationship I'm in, I'd tell them they have rocks in their head and are crazy.

Again, this is MY story and how it worked out for ME.

I wish you all the best with everything.

-Scorp-