Friends of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 6


Eggshells and Bethlehem

A stable is a place to keep a horse and in fairytales a place to birth a baby, but stable is the story I told myself about you. Solid, a model of strength and here you are a tripod, upright only if the pressure is evenly applied. I blame myself for lopsided need and try to find a way to keep this coupling standing. Stripped down to minor contact I wonder if you actually remember me and then I wonder if I remember myself. This is what is at stake, this is the trophy I lose when I fall for you and you fall down. Where is the girl I worked so hard to create? Broken eggshells litter the nest and I look for the chick I used to be. I fear losing you, I cry at the thought of losing us, I die at the loss of me.








Graft beauty to stability


*

IN THE MEADOW

Being the only tree in the meadow often leaves me feeling lonely
I tell myself of the camaraderie I imagine in the forest
These images are more poetic than real.

I believe in community and support
I think of the woods as a place apart
From the complications of my exposed life.

I shrug off the very real competition and struggle
From sharing every inch of root space
And the search for each square of sunlight.

There is much joy in being an individual
An eco-system of diversity allows me to fully develop
I can spread my branches and my roots.

I can offer shelter to those in need of my reaching and my shadow
Tender flowers and tired birds find me a haven
I have unique abilities in this field

Space can feel lonely
But it is full of possibilities.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 7



Discussions with my Disease


“You’re not the girl I used to know.”
“Not the girl you used to love is what you mean?”
“You’re different is all I mean to say.”
“The rest you leave there to rot, unsaid?”
“Something has happened to you.”
“Is it something that you do not like?”
“I don’t know who you are anymore.”
“Or is it that you never knew?”
“One false move could break us up.”
“All your moves are false why will one more cause such change?”






Side with the tide

*

MAGIC WAND

Why are you wearing that hat and waving
That star studded stick, I ask my sponsor?
Isn’t this what you want, a magic wand, she replied?
Whatever are you talking about?
I don’t want a wizard.
Don’t you?
You thought walking into your first meeting would
Poof---make you all better,
When that didn’t work, you held your breathe for 90 days.
When that also proved a disappointment
You let the air out of your blue face
And started the white knuckle routine for a year.
At the end of twelve months, you released your arthritic grip
And started scheming for a new sponsor
But the new wicked witch sent you scurrying back to me.
Then it was a relationship with the undying love
That would break the spell you are under.
Now tell me again,
How you don’t want me to use this magic wand on you?
Said my sponsor with aplomb.
I guess my behavior gave me away,
Go ahead say your incantation.
I closed my eyes and waited for her words.
Show up and do the work
Keep your mind open, she said
As she waved the cudgel.
That’s it----------I asked,
Well yes-- but I have to come back everyday
She grinned

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 8


Enclosed Space


In the echo chamber it is the cymbals which cause the most pain. The drums resound, deep and loud, but it is the crashing of brass that drives me wild. Cotton wool and sealing wax can not put my head at ease. Resonate walls with their hollow effects create the feedback loops of hurt, like the endless reflection of parallel mirrors the sounds come back to me with relentless repetition. Aural illusion might have been the idea, but chaos is the result and leaving the space between these ears will be, will allow, the band to play on without the benefit of my torment.






Write the stories the clouds illustrate

*

BOUQUET

I love the flowers in my garden
Their upkeep is my solemn trust
With my shears I must cut
Clear and swift the runners
Which detract from the health and structure.

When fruiting is heavy I must spare the stalk
And choose what stays and what needs to be taken
I am scrupulous in my observation of form and function

The bucolic scene thrives
The pageant of color sweeps the rows
I bend to nurture and stretch to prune
I pay over much attention to the plucking
And forget I need to bring the blooms home.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 9



Weight Problem


I have trouble raising my 50 pound hand in meetings. In between meetings I have the problem of trying to dial the 500 pound phone. Which leaves me with this 2,000 pound weight on my chest and no air to breathe, no life to lead. There is the difficulty of the relentless tyrant, my would be sponsor, the person I fail to ask. Plus, the home group that does not support me, since they do not know my name. All the while folks laugh and talk and have a good time, I can see none of them have suffered from my weight problem.





Continue to move into your home




*

CLONING DAYS



The novelty of sobriety causing sweet days
Wore to gauze and I attempted control
I cut, pasted and sutured elements of good living
In an effort to make 24 hour of personal perfection.

I was so sure I could replicate these jewel days
I would make perfect spheres, everything round and even
One after another like a string of pearls
The more I tried the harder God laughed
.
Days are their own planets
Saturn is different from Mars
And today will have as little to do with tomorrow
If I let it all work out.

Perfection is a thing which is born to live
Not a thing I can draft in a dish or test tube
Life will-out
Or chaos will prevail.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 10



Abraxas



I was waiting for a magic person and then you appeared. I was dazzled; I was under your spell. In an attempt to prove myself your natural assistant I sawed me in two. Then I stepped into the vanishing cabinet and promptly disappeared. I was not wrong to see the miraculous in you, but I never looked from your visage once you arrived. The world around me melted at your entrance and I flowed down the drain along with it. I somehow expected a response from you, but why respond to an empty room? So, I will plug back into myself and power up. Power draws power and I will see if I can draw you once again.





Keep a truce on hand for later use


*

THE LANDING

Risers and runners lift from where I stand
Here I make my decision
I climb and face the challenges of my life

Each new test returns me to this square
The steps ascend in every direction
No matter how many times I have scaled this set of twelve
I must start anew with even the slightest change of direction

Like facets on a diamonds base
The flights emerge from the tiny base
And hold the world of possibilities
Within their meticulous surface

I look into these precious mirrors
To see who I am and where to go
Though none of this would be possible
Without a place to stand.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 11


Prize Catch



There is a reason that fish flap and twist when they are caught, why even though they are in the air they fight for the life that once was theirs, only martyrs go without a fight, it is good to know that at least this vice is not mine. When I did not love my life its loss was not an actual change, there was nothing to hold onto, nothing to struggle for. Now I thrash at the feel of my loved life slipping from me. It is good to know I have passion enough to rally a defense. My life can be taken from me, but I haven’t lost my will to fight.






Turn confusion until its smooth


*

THE PALMIST

Last night I had a silly dream.
I was in a tent at a carnival and the woman across the table
Held my hand so dear, looked into my eyes and said
“Today you will go to a meeting which will save your life”

I thanked her and left full of anticipation.
When I awoke, I was filled with the same strong sensation
I rose, washed and left for the meeting with anticipation.

I paid close attention to the coffee maker,
Those setting up chairs with me and the newcomer
I listened carefully to the speakers
And the sound of the group’s voice closing in prayer

Nothing out of the ordinary happened
Other than my realization
That every meeting saves my life.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 12

Dido

Either I can have a bad relationship that I never wanted or no relationship and the painful isolation of having been lied to and deceived by someone who, in theory, should have been trustworthy. You are off to war and I am agape not having realized until too late that you are a soldier. The fact is that one of these things will occur; you will be killed by a machine which cares nothing for you and sees you as its enemy or destroyed by the organization that sees you as its own or you will throw yourself on your sword and keep from bothering anyone else with this task. There is no scenario where you are the One you promised me you’d be. No homecoming, no welcoming arms to hold me. I stand on the sidewalk a garbage pail of cold water poured over my shock and dismay. To my grief you say that you have heard it all before, so why did you set me up to say it all again? I am heart stricken and cut in a place to obvious to hide and too hidden to speak of. You have no time to talk, no aid to give, no love to spare. I thought I was yours, but see that I have been swept from your life by the flood of a large gauge hose and water of questionable origin. Everything is wet but nothing is clean. This is an unholy act and I am defeated and living in Carthage.




Forgive loneliness


*

FABULOUS

I don’t care what else is on the inventory-----
You still have to take responsibility for FABULOUS
Said my sponsor with a determined look on her face.

But you don’t understand------
The other things on the list make it impossible
For me to be FABULOUS
You can’t see how incapable I truly am, I say
As I collapse into a pathetic heap in the overstuffed chair.

What you don’t comprehend is that FABULOUS
Is not affected by your other little grumblings
You can’t tarnish FABULOUS
It doesn’t wear away with burden or neglect .

This is why no matter how far you bury it
Or misname it, or even flatly deny it
FABULOUS shines like a beacon
And you end up with every Todd, Nick and Martha
On your doorstep.

Expecting you to be who you are
And let them warm in the glow
So my cherub--you can fight it or live with it
But FABULOUS is here to stay