Second Chances?

MysticOceansFL · 07-10-2011, 04:27 PM

Everyone deserves a second chance thats part of learning and growing and going forward that is if you both can work the "issues out."

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-19-2011, 01:20 PM

It's not looking good, over here

I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me.

Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me

Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself?

Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that what I did was awful - but not unforgiveable?

Sorry for the incessant rambling...

MissPriss · 07-19-2011, 02:42 PM

Depending on what happened, time and space may do the trick. Wait it out and if its right for both of you, it will return.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-19-2011, 04:39 PM

Thank you...

Not really sure where to go from here.

Tommi · 07-19-2011, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Replies... very... nice, thank you.

Ah, basically, I did a complete 180 - my last girlfriend was an abusive alcoholic, and this woman is so completely the opposite. She's absolutely amazing, and what did I do? Well, I pushed her away, time and time again. Thing is, I didn't exactly realize what I was doing until it was too late.

Isn't that how it always works, though?

Anyway, after many, many tears and "I love yous" we have mutually decided to be friends, and she is still planning on flying down here next week to see me - no promises, no expectations.

I'm just hoping that by showing her that I really do love her, and I never intentionally tried to hurt her, and that I'm going to be seeing someone to try and work out my issues with pushing away great people and trying to hold onto abusive people, maybe we can slowly work things out.

Again, thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Thank you...

Not really sure where to go from here.

IN my opine only***From my side of the wagon where the wheels fell off...I know, for me, I try to figure out where I go, when the lights go out..and why I push away, or go away. I highlighted in red above what jumped out at me.

Learning about, and healing and understanding myself first is a work in progress, everyday, and in every way. I have learned that there are certain triggers, certain emotions that send me over the edge, and make me shut down, disappear and withdraw, thus pushing my love away.

So, in My opine, work on me first, no matter how long, how far, and how deep I love and want, and pay the huge price by ....being alone with myself.

Best wishes from the wagontrail

atomiczombie · 07-19-2011, 05:53 PM

It all depends for me on if I think that person turned out to be someone entirely different from who I thought they were when I fell in love. If they have, then there are no second chances with me.

Misunderstandings and miscommunications are really tough. I have had people completely misread me and then reject me and never want to talk to me again. That hurt, but I always try to figure out what I might have done differently. Honestly, I never intend or try to hurt someone, and I NEVER cheat. Cheating is a deal-breaker with me, as is abuse (verbal or otherwise). I have had some romances end really badly for me, and it just makes me more cautious about committing to anyone. Look for the red flags, and you are less likely to get into a situation that won't turn out well. Above all, be HONEST!!

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-19-2011, 07:04 PM

Miscommunications are very difficult, indeed, especially when it comes to long-distance relationships (which is the case with us).

Second chances, when they do come, I need to realise won't be overnight decisions; she's not going to just come running back to me, and the brick wall she has put up is a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. I completely understand that and do not blame her in any way, shape, or form. She is perfectly justified in guarding herself against me. I hurt her, a lot, and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. That alone can really create an emotional catastrophy.

I've been advised to let her have her space, and avoid telling her how much I love and miss her, etc. However, I've also been advised to not disappear from her life completely, so she knows I'm still here, and I still care about her.

I just know that I need to work on myself; work out what went wrong, why I push good people away, why I feel the need to say things, and why I don't believe I deserve better. Etc.

Wow, I'm going on and on... I guess it's hard to see things for what they are when you're hurting so much. My heart may be screaming for her, and the crying is constant, but I also need to stop being so pessimistic and realise that even if she gives me a second chance... we both need some time first.

Thank you for allowing me to, ah, type?

I'd love it if others would share their experiences...

Chazz · 07-21-2011, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

It's not looking good, over here

I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me.

Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me

Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself?

Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that [B

Sorry for the incessant rambling...

If what you did was "was awful - but not unforgivable?", you owe her time to heal. You are obliged to accept the consequences of your behavior, and the final outcome of her decisions.

You are not entitled to impatience; you do not have the "right" to pressure her. Chances are the "awful" behavior was based in ego-centricism and impulsiveness. It won't do to replicate that behavior now.

Perhaps the best thing for you to be focusing on right now, is why you sabotaged the relationship in the first place. And, why you so totally discounted her feeling to do, what you did, in the first place.

After all, this situation was caused by your behavior, not hers. Seems like you're focusing on her reactions to your behavior more than your behavior, itself. That seems like a reversal of the order of things to me.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-24-2011, 06:50 PM

Okay. Thank you all for taking time to talk to me. I'm sorry for kinda treating this thread as an emotional journal of sorts. That was not my intention and I do know what I need to do. I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts. I think we can all agree that, well, relationships are hard.

ruffryder · 07-26-2011, 11:42 PM

I hope you are okay. Things happen for a reason and it will all work out how it is supposed to. Have faith in that and believe it and you will be happy with whatever happens. (:

Quintease · 07-27-2011, 03:43 AM

Maybe this woman isn't the right one for you. Maybe she is merely the right one to force you to acknowledge your flaws, the ones which are holding you back from a healthy relationship?

She has stepped back now, perhaps for good. It may well be that the best thing you can do right now is to accept the friendship she is offering and expect nothing more. Some mistakes are not unforgivable, but they take more than an apology and good intentions to rectify.

Good luck on your journey x

proximitywithoutintimacy · 10-19-2011, 03:14 AM

I let her go; if she is no longer happy with me, then I wish her happiness in all her endeavors. First time I've ever let someone go - kind of proud of myself, because all the other times I've been selfish. This girl sure changed my life in many ways.

If she comes back into my life, it'll be because she was supposed to. If not, life will go on for both of us

It's been nearly three months since we've spoken, and although I still love her, I am moving on and focusing on myself

Second chances, if and when they do happen, come to those who know they're worth the wait, not those who cry, plead, beg and scream and render themselves a wreck

xoxo.

07-10-2011, 04:27 PM	#1
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Everyone deserves a second chance thats part of learning and growing and going forward that is if you both can work the "issues out." __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

07-19-2011, 05:53 PM	#6
atomiczombie Member How Do You Identify?: Femmesensual Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him, His Relationship Status: Dating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rio Vista, CA Posts: 1,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,949 Thanked 3,220 Times in 759 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	It all depends for me on if I think that person turned out to be someone entirely different from who I thought they were when I fell in love. If they have, then there are no second chances with me. Misunderstandings and miscommunications are really tough. I have had people completely misread me and then reject me and never want to talk to me again. That hurt, but I always try to figure out what I might have done differently. Honestly, I never intend or try to hurt someone, and I NEVER cheat. Cheating is a deal-breaker with me, as is abuse (verbal or otherwise). I have had some romances end really badly for me, and it just makes me more cautious about committing to anyone. Look for the red flags, and you are less likely to get into a situation that won't turn out well. Above all, be HONEST!! __________________ http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/k...orums_2000.gif Russian Unicorn http://occupiedmedia.us/

07-27-2011, 03:43 AM	#11
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,817 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10560327	Maybe this woman isn't the right one for you. Maybe she is merely the right one to force you to acknowledge your flaws, the ones which are holding you back from a healthy relationship? She has stepped back now, perhaps for good. It may well be that the best thing you can do right now is to accept the friendship she is offering and expect nothing more. Some mistakes are not unforgivable, but they take more than an apology and good intentions to rectify. Good luck on your journey x __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

07-19-2011, 01:20 PM	#2
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	It's not looking good, over here I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me. Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself? Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that what I did was awful - but not unforgiveable? Sorry for the incessant rambling...

07-19-2011, 02:42 PM	#3
MissPriss Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: only lasting realtionship I have is with my job, my gun and my truck. Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Tennessee Posts: 566 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 789 Thanked 580 Times in 259 Posts Rep Power: 2223294	Depending on what happened, time and space may do the trick. Wait it out and if its right for both of you, it will return.

07-19-2011, 04:39 PM	#4
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Thank you... Not really sure where to go from here.

07-19-2011, 07:04 PM	#7
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Miscommunications are very difficult, indeed, especially when it comes to long-distance relationships (which is the case with us). Second chances, when they do come, I need to realise won't be overnight decisions; she's not going to just come running back to me, and the brick wall she has put up is a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. I completely understand that and do not blame her in any way, shape, or form. She is perfectly justified in guarding herself against me. I hurt her, a lot, and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. That alone can really create an emotional catastrophy. I've been advised to let her have her space, and avoid telling her how much I love and miss her, etc. However, I've also been advised to not disappear from her life completely, so she knows I'm still here, and I still care about her. I just know that I need to work on myself; work out what went wrong, why I push good people away, why I feel the need to say things, and why I don't believe I deserve better. Etc. Wow, I'm going on and on... I guess it's hard to see things for what they are when you're hurting so much. My heart may be screaming for her, and the crying is constant, but I also need to stop being so pessimistic and realise that even if she gives me a second chance... we both need some time first. Thank you for allowing me to, ah, type? I'd love it if others would share their experiences...

07-24-2011, 06:50 PM	#9
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Okay. Thank you all for taking time to talk to me. I'm sorry for kinda treating this thread as an emotional journal of sorts. That was not my intention and I do know what I need to do. I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts. I think we can all agree that, well, relationships are hard.

07-26-2011, 11:42 PM	#10
ruffryder Senior Member How Do You Identify?: FTM Preferred Pronoun?: guy ones Relationship Status: ... Join Date: May 2011 Location: chillin' in FL Posts: 3,690 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,951 Thanked 9,679 Times in 2,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I hope you are okay. Things happen for a reason and it will all work out how it is supposed to. Have faith in that and believe it and you will be happy with whatever happens. (:

10-19-2011, 03:14 AM	#12
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	I let her go; if she is no longer happy with me, then I wish her happiness in all her endeavors. First time I've ever let someone go - kind of proud of myself, because all the other times I've been selfish. This girl sure changed my life in many ways. If she comes back into my life, it'll be because she was supposed to. If not, life will go on for both of us It's been nearly three months since we've spoken, and although I still love her, I am moving on and focusing on myself Second chances, if and when they do happen, come to those who know they're worth the wait, not those who cry, plead, beg and scream and render themselves a wreck xoxo.