Stone Femme?

[cuddlyfemme]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Oh, yes. Without doubt, yes. My dating pool has gotten very small, indeed. What's more, I face every possible romantic encounter with trepidation because I know that I'll have to explain myself to someone who may turn out to think that there's something terribly wrong with me. If I were more traditionally femme, my stonefemme boundaries might not seem quite so surprising to an interested butch.

I've been told that my dating pool would enlarge considerably if I were into trans guys, but I'm not.

I've been told the exact same thing regarding how my dating pool would enlarge regarding Trans guys

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by cuddlyfemme

I've been told the exact same thing regarding how my dating pool would enlarge regarding Trans guys

My own personal pool is pretty big. The water feels lovely & quite warm.

My criteria pretty much is sexual attraction-do I feel those butterflies? Is my heart pounding? If yes, that is the first step. Butch? Yes! TG? OK-fine with me-yes! Daddy? OK, I am interested-tell me more about the dynamic please! Yes! Stone butch? OK, lived as a stone femme in love for a long time!

I am not talking about all those other values that are so important-I am strictly talking about the initial attraction that tells one: yes, I would love to go out with you!

The pool shrinks a great deal when you are older. Not my choice, it is just a
reality. I am not limiting it by my identity as a femme.

I am dipping my toe in the pool, but I have not jumped and no one has pulled me in the pool (or pushed me in either...).

Regardless of how big or small our dating pool is, don't we at least need to
take that chance? As long as my own personal boundaries are respected, since age is now a factor in my dating pool; I personally need to be open to all
possibilities (which I may not have considered in my 20's).

Cannonball coming! Splash!

[ScandalAndy]

Originally Posted by Anya/Georgia

My own personal pool is pretty big. The water feels lovely & quite warm.

My criteria pretty much is sexual attraction-do I feel those butterflies? Is my heart pounding? If yes, that is the first step. Butch? Yes! TG? OK-fine with me-yes! Daddy? OK, I am interested-tell me more about the dynamic please! Yes! Stone butch? OK, lived as a stone femme in love for a long time!

I am not talking about all those other values that are so important-I am strictly talking about the initial attraction that tells one: yes, I would love to go out with you!

The pool shrinks a great deal when you are older. Not my choice, it is just a
reality. I am not limiting it by my identity as a femme.

I am dipping my toe in the pool, but I have not jumped and no one has pulled me in the pool (or pushed me in either...).

Regardless of how big or small our dating pool is, don't we at least need to
take that chance? As long as my own personal boundaries are respected, since age is now a factor in my dating pool; I personally need to be open to all
possibilities (which I may not have considered in my 20's).

Cannonball coming! Splash!

I agree, the size of the pool is getting smaller with age. This saddens me!

[Soft*Silver]

I was away a few days so I couldnt respond. I am back.

I dont think the label Stone Femme applies to me. I am not a traditionalist anylonger.

And Toughy, even if I wasnt a FemDom, I would be someone who packs. And yes, likes penetration as well but when i say. I prefer my partner to be quite submissive. But engaged.

My dating pool is quite large. I date who I am attracted to. I dont have preconceived barriers anymore. I never thought I would fucka a femme but yes, I would. However, the pool of people who would date me becme much smaller when mine became much larger. Not too many butches want a packing femme. Some people back away from me as a friend, let alone as a date or lover, because I am interested in and involved with MtFs. Shrug. Its ok. I barely have enough time for who I am involved with, let alone worry who wont be involved with me anylonger.

[steel_magnolia]

First, I am brand new to the site. I am so glad to have found this thread! I just read through the entire thing, and thought I would post all my thoughts on different aspects that came up at once. I apologize in advance for the length (and the possible TMI!).

1) What does "stone femme" mean in general?

I think we really need to deconstruct this term. For me, "stone" refers to a type of sexual expression - sex with very clear boundaries around touch. "Butch" and "femme" add more clarity to the stone part - do my boundaries revolve around what is done to me or what I do to others? However, "butch" and "femme" also refer to someone's particular flavor of gender presentation, and perhaps even the flavor of gender presentation they are attracted to.

And there's the disconnect, the ambiguity of the term. "Stone" is well understood. It's the loaded "butch" or "femme" used to modify it that's a problem, because those words have so many layered meanings. Maybe we should come up with another way to modify the word "stone" to refer solely to boundaries, and let "butch" and "femme" refer strictly to gender ID? That might make things easier for stone femmes who don't want to be penetrated. And would also create a safe place for butches who are cool with receiving penetration but not necessarily penetrating their partner (with all this variety I'm sure there are some of those too.) Something to think about...

2) What does "stone femme" mean to me?

Sexually I'm stone femme because I'm strictly a "catcher" when it comes to sex. I have a high sex drive and I am VERY responsive, but actively going beyond cuddling and petting is just not me. Mouth-to-mouth kissing is often a struggle, much less any sort of penetration on my partner. I tried for years to force myself to "reciprocate" and felt awful afterwards, like I had allowed myself to be violated. This led to all kinds of feelings of guilt, inadequacy, judgment from my partners, worries over being frigid, a reluctance to get involved in any relationship at all...

It was only when someone pointed out that I was a stone femme - and reassured me that being a stone femme was totally ok - that I was able to actually accept and enjoy my sexuality. Now I revel in the idea that my responsiveness works for my partner, that I can care for them in ways that compliment without mimicking the ways they care for me. It frees me to explore my sexuality, cuddle/pet/massage my partner, and do all the sharing I love to do in relationships without fear, guilt, or doubt.

My also being a femme gender-wise just makes the term all-around more comfortable for me.

2) Are you stone femme because you date stone butches, or is it something innate? Does it change according to your partner?

My being stone femme has absolutely nothing to do with my partners and everything to do with me. I have my boundaries regardless of who I'm with. However, I exclusively go for masculine gender presentations regardless of the physical plumbing - butches, stone butches, trans, even a few bioguys. Since I'm stone relationships tend to work better if my partner of whatever ID is stone too, and stone butches and transmen seem to be the majority of the "masculine" and "stone" crowd.

3) Is the dating pool limited because I ID as a stone femme?

Oh, yes. I prefer to save the emotional energy of a relationship for those who can work with my methods of sexual expression - and everyone else seems to do the same. However, when I do date someone who is cool with my being stone there is this mutually created non-judgmental space that is incredibly comfortable and freeing. Even if it doesn't work out romantically I've never not gained a friendship out of it.

And that is PLENTY of babble on the topic. Thanks for posting something so interesting!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

I love this description. Thank you, again, for being so patient and thorough with your answers (I will not run away with the innuendo that could so easily be put into that sentence). I am no stranger to the terms we are using, I'm just playing stupid, in a sense, so that I may understand how we are all using them in relation to ourselves.

You're quite right, everyone's interpretation of the words is different, so how can I share what it means to me in the context of conversation? For now I'm just going to keep asking questions so I can be sure of exactly what the poster is intending to convey.

Also, I'm a fan of the "pleasure balls" analogy.

Well, when I want to share what something means to me, I start by typing it out. After some editing and font adjusting, I submit it.

*grin*

It is hard to let go of our inner critc, isn't it? Just know that your audience is rooting for you, not against you, and most if not all know at least some of what you are going through and have gone through.

Originally Posted by Toughy

Actually, every person should respect every other person's sexual/emotional boundaries. Everyone has boundaries. Those boundaries can change depending on who is in the bed or not change.

For many/most? Stone Butch is about no vaginal penetration (and perhaps no anal penetration) and breasts are not breasts, but are a chest. I think it's a mixed bag concerning blow jobs and the 'little cock' (the clit), but it is in the mind set that it's a blow job not sucking a clit. I have never known a Stone Butch (or Stone Femme Top) who turned down a blow job on the 'big cock'.

Stone Femmes (who are bottoms) generally balk at wearing a cock or vaginally penetrating any Butch with their fingers. Anal is a mixed bag. It's a mixed bag about blow jobs on the little cock, but definitely a go for the big cock. Touching nipples on the chest is also a mixed bag, but I have never met a stone femme who would cup a breast in their hand to suck the nipple. It's a different kind of touch for nipples on a chest.

I am completely Stone big cock identified in kink space. In non-kink space, my sexual boundaries are entirely dependent on the femme in my (her) bed and the energy between us.

-----------------
'dash' is a reference to another butch/femme website that many many many of us frequented before this big ass planet was created....there is a dash (-) in the name.

Thank you for bringing up chest versus breast/s. That is a very important line drawn in probably nearly all Stone relationships, I would say.

I've read the paragraph regarding Stone Femmes a couple of times and it just doesn't sit right with me. I know what you're saying, so it must be my own scope reading it askew.

Just to throw it out there, and possibly to confuse others more, Stone Femmes are usually but not always bottoms. As Cheryl has said earlier, there's a lot of confusion between stonefemme and Stone Femmes and those of us who are, in the initial design of things, stonefemmes but like the look of Stone Femme better add to the confusion. That would be me. I'm not Stone in that I don't like and/or want penetration or certain touch. I partner with those who do identify with those boundaries. Seeing stonefemme in lower case and squished together makes the grammar snob in me all and that just can't happen, so I capitalize it and spread it out.

Softness has had a wonderful metamorphosis since I've first known her and I love where she is now. I would have also said that she was a Stone Femme or Stone Femme Top, but it certainly does help to add Top or Domme or both, if it feels appropriate.

In the end, it doesn't matter what label others put on you. I think the forced labelization of this world is what has made a lot of folks reject labels as a whole. They see restrictions in themselves and their loved ones. I, being anal retentive 'n chit, see order and a classification system that tells what group this person is in and this one. Order makes me happy, so maybe I should go with the label of Queer Stone Anal Femme Girl. Imagine the dialogue THAT would create.

Originally Posted by softness

I have come to realize I am the femme version of a stone butch. I dont think there is a label for this. lol.

I have no desire for my partner to give to me unless I dictate how and when. And I have my own boundaries, just like a stone butch would. I am by no means frigid. I am hot as hell in bed and my submissive can tell you that. I use to call myself an aggressive femme but that was when i was trying to mold myself into the role of submissive femme. It SO didnt work for me. Now that I am into FemDom and pack and take the Dominant role, I think and act more like a Stone Butch, but am absolutely Femme...

If you want to call yourself a FemDomme or Stone Femme Top or a pretty, pretty Tulip with thorns, that's your right, and those who care about you and respect you will do their best to remember that.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

I hesitate to do this because I think the backlash is going to be horrendous, but:

Stone Femme is your label for her, not her own. It's dangerous to classify others based on our personal interpretations of what a label means.

This is true.

This just goes to show what a difference adding "I think you might be" or "From my experience, you are" onto a sentence can make.

Originally Posted by lillith

Thank you Sweet_Amor_Taino.

Ok, I have a generalized question: Do you think the dating pool is limited because you ID as a Stone Femme (in whatever capacity that means to you)?

I do, but that's not necessarily a bad thing sometimes. It means there's less to wade through. If I were single, I could pop my preferences into an online filter and click and then have a handful of folks to look at and think about rather than pages and pages of potential partners. It's less time consuming!

Another thing to keep in mind is that it only takes one (unless you are poly!), so it doesn't matter how big the pool or pond or puddle is if that person is in it.

Originally Posted by softness

I was away a few days so I couldnt respond. I am back.

I dont think the label Stone Femme applies to me. I am not a traditionalist anylonger.

And Toughy, even if I wasnt a FemDom, I would be someone who packs. And yes, likes penetration as well but when i say. I prefer my partner to be quite submissive. But engaged.

My dating pool is quite large. I date who I am attracted to. I dont have preconceived barriers anymore. I never thought I would fucka a femme but yes, I would. However, the pool of people who would date me becme much smaller when mine became much larger. Not too many butches want a packing femme. Some people back away from me as a friend, let alone as a date or lover, because I am interested in and involved with MtFs. Shrug. Its ok. I barely have enough time for who I am involved with, let alone worry who wont be involved with me anylonger.

Good for you! I will say, however, that not all Stone Femmes (or stonefemmes) are traditional. Some of us are OFOS, but some of us are rather modern and have shaped our identities to fit our preferences and not the other way around.