Healthy Weight Loss

[Medusa]

Let's talk about emotional eating!

I was all hyped up to make this post last night but talked myself out of it because this part of the process is so personal. Today, I said "fuck it", because really, what am I about to say that is going to be so personal when so many people have dealt with this exact issue. Besides, I think talking about the process helps forward our understanding and I'm willing to take the chance on feeling exposed in order to work out my shit around it.

So here goes:

I had cake yesterday! It was luscious and wonderful! Someone at work sent around an email to our entire unit saying they had "about 50 pounds of wedding cake in their office" and was basically begging us to come and eat it (being facetious here!). All day a steady stream of my coworkers filed past my door with napkins piled high with a creamy-looking white cake. Finally someone said "oh come on angie, you gotta have just one piece of it!".

Normally I would have waved my hands and said "Oh no no no! I can't, I'm on a diet!" and would have been all dramatic about how I was just going to eat come carrot sticks or whatever.

Then I would have sat in my office brooding for the rest of the day over that cake and being silently (and not super aware of why) irritated and angry.

Then I would have gotten off of work and gone straight to the McDonalds drive-thru and ordered a sack of crap and ate it all the way home.

Then I would have gotten home and proceeded to marathon-eat for the rest of the night until finally falling into bed stuffed full of food and feeling empty still.

Why would I have done that? Because that is my cycle. That's what I do. That is how I self-soothe when I deprive myself of something that is actually a reasonable desire. So what if someone had a wedding cake at work, right? It's a piece of fucking cake. It's not a line of cocaine.

I would have been internally deprived and pissed off at myself for saying no to the cake when I really wanted it and then would have proceeded to fill my face for hours after as a way to say "Im now going to punish the external me because the internal me didnt provide the cake."

I have come to realize that it is simply NOT reasonable to live as if I am never going to eat another piece of cake as long as I live. It is, in fact, ridiculous for me to think that will be my truth. I am a human being and I am going to eat cake and steak and drink beer and eat ice cream. I'm going to do all those things and I'm NOT going to feel shame about it or guilt and I'm CERTAINLY NOT going to punish myself when I do eat those things.

We're good people! We deserve cake!

What we also deserve is to eat that piece of cake WITHIN REASON and treat that piece of cake as the wonderful treat that it is and not a requirement for happiness.

So yesterday? I ate the cake. It was a small little piece and it was so delicate and fluffy and had this amazing cream cheese icing and almond fondant. I ate it. Unapologetically and without guilt. I STILL don't feel guilty. It was worth it. I counted it in my WW points like I should and was thankful for having the cake.

I felt so happy last night because that terrible weight of "I have an emotion of shame around eating the cake so now we must commence with a 4-hour binge that will leave us feeling like SHIT" was GONE. I am still happy today because eating that cake without shame was a victory for me. It was a victory over those bad, ugly thinking patterns where shame and guilt are the driving force for sabotage of health.

I encourage each of us to remember that birthdays and weddings and random cakes will happen. It's OK for us to eat small portions and account for those portions in our food plan. It's OK to enjoy eating that stuff! It's OK to be regular, normal human beings who occasionally eat cake or pie or potatoes or whatever your vice is. It is OK because that piece of cake does not mean that our entire day or week or month of working toward health is blown up.

I did the above overshare to kinda show how Im working through my process of recognizing what my triggers are and WHY I overeat. Figuring out those triggers and being able to say "Oh ok, this is one of those things" when it happens means that I have a name for that emotion. So I can name it and think about it rather than eat it.

If you stuck with me this long, thank you. Again, pardon the overshare. This thread has been an amazing support and I appreciate each and every one of you tremendously.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Medusa~ I appreciate the overshare I try to remind myself all the time that I am allowed to treat myself. When I post in here that it is a life style change and we do this in real life, well I post it as a reminder to myself lol I talk my way through it!

My sister shares in this struggle with me. When we hang out...it is a DISASTER. Once I have one deliciously terrible meal, it is like I have unleashed something in me. The domino effect strikes and I feel like I am back at square one.

I have been feeling a little emotional lately and trying at all costs to avoid the binge. Why is this so hard? And Why is it such a comfort? Self-Soothe is the perfect way to describe it because it is. The worst part of it all, if I do over eat then I feel twice as bad. I feel sick and ashamed. Blah! Learning to be able to treat myself without over doing is a battle. But acknowledging that it can be done is helping.

Glad we are here to lend an ear (or eyes for reading) and I am glad that there are people out there that share in our struggle. The world is not that lonely anymore

Sorry, thinking outloud. But it helps me to verbalize this all because I relate and for the first time I have found people that understand.

Again, thanks for the overshare! It hit home.

[Medusa]

I totally get what you mean about it being a disaster when you and sister hang out!

I have a couple of girlfriends who would totally be my "eating buddies" if we were both so inclined. It's like having someone to do your addiction with, similar to crackheads finding someone to smoke with. That way you have not only a witness but a cohort. Someone who will enable or support your "habit" so to speak.

In the past, I have chosen to either insulate from these friends or tried to get them to do my eating plan with me. I'm at the point now that I accept that I am in control of me and that I don't really need to worry about what my girlfriends are doing. It's hard. SUPER hard. That food bonding is a "warm comfy" for me and it's hard to isolate my stuff around food from other people. It's hard to keep that stuff to myself and have to hold that bag of bullshit because it means I have to sit with the feelings and that shit? IS NOT COMFORTABLE sometimes!

I'm glad we all have each other. We can create new food bonding moments over finding fun ways to make our favorite stuff healthy and celebrating our victories. WOOT!

[Nina]

maybe it's not 'over share'...maybe it's a freeing part of the process of integrating ourselves...the divide between who we are and our body can be huge and impacting...

maybe as we learn about the disconnect...as we learn how and when we have spent years numbing our feelings with food and all else, when we can identify it, and see it with compassion, we speak of it to take it out of darkness and shame...we share it because it frees us from the emotions and reactions that keep us tied to fear and hurt...

I don't know...it seems like when we define what we do as 'over sharing' there is, intrinsic in that phrase a judgement which maybe we don't need to put on ourselves...

I am tired right now...I would probably not post this otherwise, but I am going to do so anyway...I admire you all for what you're doing to find a path to more balance, and a way to cherish the vessel which houses the You...I struggle with it, I think many of us do...and I am in awe at how this space is becoming a space of courage, and love and throwing off shame and wrong messages and helps us move into a space of love and of pride...

[JustJo]

I'm with Nina....overshare sounds like a bad thing...and I think freeing up and speaking about who we are and how we feel is good, good, good.

So...yes, let's talk about emotional eating.

Mine goes back so far it feels like part of my DNA. Food was always the way to smooth over the gaps and the pain in my life as a kid and especially as a teenager. It was always there, right? That Ding Dong didn't insult or bully or leave me feeling unimportant or left out or, or, or.....it just sat there full of creamy filling and chocolate, all wrapped up (then) in a neat shiny little foil package, whenever I wanted it (or could get my hands on it....another story).

I've always been heavy...some times heavier than others....but I was never the athletic type (even though I rode horses and swam like a fish) or slim. I weighed 130 lbs and wore a size 12 when I was 12 years old...then kept growing. At my heaviest I stopped weighing myself or buying clothes and became of a fan of the mu-mu/caftan/long, loose and swishy stuff that didn't make me beat myself up with the knowledge that I had gone past size 24.

At one point in my late 20s I resolved that I was going to change, and never look like that again. I was dating a man that was into body-building. We lived on broiled fish (no butter or oil) and salad with a squeeze of lemon....not kidding....that was lunch and dinner. We went to the gym every day and worked out for 3 solid hours. I ached. I felt starved and hungry and deprived every waking moment. I was angry at the entire world and everyone in it that could eat a cheeseburger and still look "normal." I got down to a size 14, and weighed 155. People told me I looked fantastic. I loved hearing that (since I never had), but hated every other moment and myself for having to live such an austere and unpleasant (for me) existence in order to look "acceptable."

Needless to say, I fell off the wagon (and broke up with the body-builder too).

I gained weight....up and down a little....hovered around 200 lbs. most of the time, for years but felt like myself. Gradually it crept up, and up....

I weighed about 245 lbs. when I was diagnosed with diabetes...and it scared me to death. My aunt died the most awful death imaginable from diabetic complications. Mine was showing mostly in my eyes....diabetic retinopathy...and a firm message that, if I did not get my blood sugar under control, I would go blind. Turns out, based on the damage to my eyes, that I probably was an undiagnosed diabetic for about 20 years....back to my early 20's....maybe earlier.

I went on the diabetic diet, walked an hour a day....and lost 50 lbs. That helped, but it wasn't enough to control my blood sugar. They added meds....lots of meds....but thankfully not injected insulin. As needle-phobic as I am, that would be a disaster on too many levels to even think about.

I measured fats in teaspoons, weighed my food, counted my food....hated my food. I developed an intense depression....once again hating a world where "everyone else" could eat normally, or whatever they wanted, or *fill in the blank* and be normal and attractive and relatively healthy....and my body sabotaged me. Honestly, the only thing that kept me from being suicidal was my son. Rooster was 6, and I wanted to live long enough to see him grow up....and I wanted to see him, too. I couldn't let this thing make me blind. I also couldn't continue to live the way I was. I needed to find that happy medium...that place that Medusa describes...where I could have cake if there was an occasion for cake, or even just a strong desire for it....where food became just food...and not my enemy...where my body became my friend, and not my saboteur.

That was about 8 years ago.

I've regained a little of the weight I lost. I'm working on losing it again.

I've also accepted the fact that I am diabetic, and that (unless there's a miracle) won't change. I need to find a way to live with it, and not let it take me out.

I also have to be able to live my life...eat food...have pleasure.

I have to strike a balance.

[Zimmeh]

Growing up, I was a very active child. I was still *chunky* as the pictures show from that time. When I was 15, I was hit by a car coming home from school. It nearly broke both of my legs, caused my L5 and L6 vertebrae to become fused and threw my hips off a little; also watched my parents marriage fail and was taking out of my comfort zone to Michigan; a place where the other students made fun of me because of my Southern accent. As a result of the accident, I couldn't walk without a limp for a long time and I still do. I found that food was my only friend and that it wouldn't like Jo Jo said, make fun of me. Before the accident, I weighed in at 110lbs on a 5'0" frame. After the accident, I weighed anywhere from 150lbs to 210lbs<as of January 2007> on my short body. I did the whole yo yo diet and kept falling off of the wagon. My family didn't eat healthy and it was hard to watch them eat, fried chicken, red meat, and other unhealthy foods and not want to have some.

I've also had to come to terms with a lot of emotional stuff that I had stored in my head. Stuff that everyday, when I look at myself in the mirror, and I say outloud, you won't control my life anymore. I have also kicked all of the negative people out of my life and replaced them with positive people...

I have found that since I took control of my life in January 2007 and made the decision, that I wasn't going to pass away at the age of 47, like my dad. I have taking every measure that I can to loose the weight and if I gain back a few pounds, then I say ok, "what can I do to loose this weight?" I have learned that emotionally kicking my own ass isn't a good thing and I am trying to stop this. Once my health insurance kicks in mid August, I am going to see if a Dietician and Nutrionist is covered and I will be going to them. I have been able to keep 45lbs of the original 60lbs off. My friend says, that I have such a strong will power and that I can avoid consuming food that isn't good for me. Yes I still eat my chocolate and ice cream, but I always either end the day or start the day, with a nice long power walk and I always run up the stairs once I am finished.

We can overcome what emotional shit lies underneath our *over eating* and we can and will show the world, that it truly is mind over matter...Maybe one day, we can help other people out; people who don't have access to Weight Watchers or other weight loss groups. I know, I am one of those people and I have found, this thread, to be the best!

Thank you Jo Jo for starting this thread,

Zimmy

[ReDo]

Zimmy

Congratulations on keeping the weight off. I know that for me is the hardest part. I can exercise lose the weight and then put it back on. As if I never really learn how to have a healthy lifestyle instead only go through the motions to change my body for the moment. This time I want so much more than that.

I am so determined and a fighter in that it takes a great deal for me to not follow through when my mind is made up.

[Hack]

I eat low-fat, no sugar, low carb, no salt. I drink water (trying to increase this) and Diet Coke. Skip dessert (or have just berries).

I did Weight Watchers on and off the last ten years. Found it too easy to fall off the wagon. Twenty five years ago I got sober pretty much on my own. I know I can be wicked disciplined, so I am working hard to bring that to eating and working out.

Here are some tips I use.

Avoid anything white...sugar, pasta, flour, white rice.
Skip bread.
Order extra veggies.
Drink a huge glass of water before you eat.
When you have a craving do two things -- wait 5 minutes and engage your brain in something else (pick up a book, do a simple household chore, work on a crossword).
Eat fruit instead of cookies, cake or pie. Pineapple and any kind of berries are my candy.
Get addicted to something good for you. Steamed edamame is my crack.
Most important - cheat one day a week. I usually pick Saturday because I almost always work out or do a lot of yardwork on that day.

I workout every other day. On the between days, I walk twice a day at least with my dog, at least 20-30 minutes each time.

Jake

PS .... remember that everyone is beautiful (or handsome). No matter what.