Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by rbentley1904

So, I tech. have 2 beautiful daughters instead of one, if you have looked at my profile you understand. I am soo happy I found this one and I like that this is in the support section. I had my first daughter when I 19, then my 2nd when I was 20. I had to give her up because of financial reasons and my family. Unfortunately, and in a good way, it is an "open" one but I do not get to see her much and it hurts. Damn, now I have to cry. lol...but, the couple who adopted her *Karly is related to my sister n law and therefore they did not want me hanging around them. So I was basically kept by my brother and sil *sister in law* to ever seeing her. Of course being in a small town I have many chances of bumping into the couple and Karly. I have never openly talked about it with my brother. But I started going to therapy for this when I was pregnant which was also tied into my trichotillomania help to. I stopped after my mom came and she said I was not being helped. I then tried again to stop the trich, but yet again it did not help. Just started back again 2 weeks ago and I have never been more ready to finally be able to let everyone know how I feel. Sorry for all of you who was adopted, but I am having my own personal breakdown on the other side of the computer right bout now...

So sorry you are having a hard time, I think this time of year everyting seems worse, at least it does for me.

I think its good for us to hear from Mom's who had to give up a child, maybe in talking to you, I can learn to forgive what I have been through and it sounds like it will help you to have someone to talk to.

I am so srry that you are kept from her. How old is she?

Does it help or make it worse that you get to see her? Is the new family good to her?

[owen4u1904]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

So sorry you are having a hard time, I think this time of year everyting seems worse, at least it does for me.

I think its good for us to hear from Mom's who had to give up a child, maybe in talking to you, I can learn to forgive what I have been through and it sounds like it will help you to have someone to talk to.

I am so srry that you are kept from her. How old is she?

Does it help or make it worse that you get to see her? Is the new family good to her?

My girls are exactly a year apart. The one I have with me was 6 on Jan 9, then my next one, Karly, the one I do not have will be 6 on Dec. 14. So for one month I girls who are the same age. And yes the new family is very good to her. They was not able to have babies and they was trying for around 10 years. So I guess you could kinda say I was meant to have her in a way. And it helps that I get to see her and run into her. I just wish my brother and his wife would accept it. Since we are in a small community and their name is kinda "well known" they do not it like it so much.

[Apocalipstic]

Sorry I let this thread go for a while, other issues in the forefront.

My biological mother got married and had 2 boys pretty immediately after giving me away. Knowing this made it harder, made me wonder what about me was not good enough to keep if she could just go ahead and have 2 more immediately.

I know it was her parents who made her give me away, but it is hard to bear.

But then I see posts like rbentley's and see that these things are still going on. Families are still pressuring young women to give away their children instead of offering to help financially so the baby's can be kept. Still many churches and people stand against using Birth Control. Still the closed adoptions continue. Thank you rbentley for showing me that some of the mother's are devastated too.

I guess maybe I thought that by 2010 things would be better. People more loving, more giving..and guess maybe a bit better, but not good enough.

I've read the books on adoption my therapist suggested and they were helpful in that they made me see that I have turned out wayyy better than I could have. I have other issues which have been more pressing so I have not done all the exercises they suggest yet, but will keep you all posted when I do.

Love to all my fellow adoptees!

[Semantics]

I adopted my daughter (who is just about to turn 16). She came to live with me the first time when she was four.

She doesn't see her biological mother. It's an open adoption, but bio mom has chosen not to contact us for years.

Recently, my daughter's grandmother (who we hadn't heard from for 3 years) sent us pictures of a baby girl and told us that bio mom had another baby. The letter didn't include much information other than a complaint that the baby was half black and telling us that bio mom was doing ok and working at Wendy's.

Apoc, your post just really resonated because I know she has to be thinking that her mother gave her away and then had another daughter.

I ask her how she feels and she mostly expresses worry that her sister is being neglected and abused just as she was. The background of the pictures made it clear that the environment was filthy and my daughter picked up on that immediately.

I wish there were some way to assure her that it wasn't about her in a way that she would believe it, but I worry that, like you, in twenty years, she is still going to be asking herself why she wasn't good enough.

If you can post or pm me links to the books you mentioned I would appreciate it. I'd like to read them myself.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Semantics

I adopted my daughter (who is just about to turn 16). She came to live with me the first time when she was four.

She doesn't see her biological mother. It's an open adoption, but bio mom has chosen not to contact us for years.

Recently, my daughter's grandmother (who we hadn't heard from for 3 years) sent us pictures of a baby girl and told us that bio mom had another baby. The letter didn't include much information other than a complaint that the baby was half black and telling us that bio mom was doing ok and working at Wendy's.

Apoc, your post just really resonated because I know she has to be thinking that her mother gave her away and then had another daughter.

I ask her how she feels and she mostly expresses worry that her sister is being neglected and abused just as she was. The background of the pictures made it clear that the environment was filthy and my daughter picked up on that immediately.

I wish there were some way to assure her that it wasn't about her in a way that she would believe it, but I worry that, like you, in twenty years, she is still going to be asking herself why she wasn't good enough.

If you can post or pm me links to the books you mentioned I would appreciate it. I'd like to read them myself.

Just that your daughter has a parent (You) who understands and wants to help will mean the world to her in 20 years.

Does she remember the adoption and what things were like before?

I will send you the links in a minute...have to find them on Amazon.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Going to try to make sense and not ramble here. I am the Aunt of two incredible, wonderful children. My Sister could not have children from her body, so she adopted; they are the children of our hearts.

The birth parents were married, and between them they had 5 other children. When they found out my neice was on her way, they went the open adoption route because California would no longer pay extra for any additional children born to them on welfare, and they wanted to be in her life. Then they became pregnant with my nephew, and decided that they would go ahead and keep a boy! OMG, can you imagine what that would have done to my neice? Anyway, they wound up letting my nephew be adopted, and the last we heard 10 years or so ago, the family lost all 5 children due to neglect and abuse. My sister tried everything she could think of to find those children and bring them home with her, but no one would help.

So, now my neice and nephew live with the fact that they are blood brother and sister, they were given away, and their siblings are God knows where.

Thank you for this thread, and the insight I am given into what people think and ways in which I can possibly help the people I love.

Blessings

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Blushingfemme

Going to try to make sense and not ramble here. I am the Aunt of two incredible, wonderful children. My Sister could not have children from her body, so she adopted; they are the children of our hearts.

The birth parents were married, and between them they had 5 other children. When they found out my neice was on her way, they went the open adoption route because California would no longer pay extra for any additional children born to them on welfare, and they wanted to be in her life. Then they became pregnant with my nephew, and decided that they would go ahead and keep a boy! OMG, can you imagine what that would have done to my neice? Anyway, they wound up letting my nephew be adopted, and the last we heard 10 years or so ago, the family lost all 5 children due to neglect and abuse. My sister tried everything she could think of to find those children and bring them home with her, but no one would help.

So, now my niece and nephew live with the fact that they are blood brother and sister, they were given away, and their siblings are God knows where.

Thank you for this thread, and the insight I am given into what people think and ways in which I can possibly help the people I love.

Blessings

Your post made my hair crawl. People need to use birth control!

I am so glad your niece and nephew ended up in a good place and that your sister was able to help keep them together and that they have you.

If they do ever get the opportunity to meet their blood relatives, I think it would be a god idea to make sure they clearly know that these people were likely brought up very differently than they were and may not be what they expect. (in fact it is likely considering the circumstances that they may not be pleased with what they find) There is not always a happy Oprah moment.

I wish you and your sister and the kids all happiness and peace!

[Apocalipstic]

I decided to post the books that my therapist suggested I read here, in case anyone else missed them or needs resources and does not want to read the entire thread.


Adoption Healing...a Path to Recovery by Joe Soll

Primal Wound by Nancy Veverier

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton

The one I found most helpful was Primal Wound, but all had good information from different standpoints.