Reclaiming Lesbian Pride

[Apocalipstic]

Being a Lesbian has always been pretty confusing for those of us who do not fit the stereotype.

I would say the same thing for Femme. I am expected to be a certain way and can't live up to all that.

I want to reclaim Lesbian proudly, but Lesbians have never really claimed me, unless I was sleeping with them.

Have I only ever slept with Lesbian identified Women? No.

Do I like pussy? Oh Yeah!!!

Do I fit all the stereotypes? No.

Whats funny is with my straight friends I would say "Hell yeah I am a Lesbian! Out and Proud". Here? I get confused. I have so many things inside me and who I am attracted to is ever evolving. I don't want to feel like I need to be a certain way to be accepted.

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Being a Lesbian has always been pretty confusing for those of us who do not fit the stereotype.

I would say the same thing for Femme. I am expected to be a certain way and can't live up to all that.

I want to reclaim Lesbian proudly, but Lesbians have never really claimed me, unless I was sleeping with them.

Have I only ever slept with Lesbian identified Women? No.

Do I like pussy? Oh Yeah!!!

Do I fit all the stereotypes? No.

Whats funny is with my straight friends I would say "Hell yeah I am a Lesbian! Out and Proud". Here? I get confused. I have so many things inside me and who I am attracted to is ever evolving. I don't want to feel like I need to be a certain way to be accepted.

I don't think anyone here fits any particular stereotype nor do I think one needs to fit them in order to have a place within a community. I don't fit the stereotype of either a lesbian or a black lesbian. Yet, I claim lesbian as part of my identity. This discussion illustrates the problem with identity politics. In fact, it illustrates both problems with IdPol and why I would love to see the queer community abandon it. the first problem is that identity politics, whatever utility it might have, is an invitation to a kind of hair-splitting, micro-parsing of language that obfuscates more than it illuminates. What I'm seeing happen now is that *because* identity has been used to exclude, we've decided that now identity (labels) are the problem. The issue, of course, is that we don't really abandon labels or qualifying our views based upon this or that sociological category. So in pursuit of not being boxed in by labels we've gone the other direction. It's not just 'lesbian doesn't encompass me' (if that is the stance one is taking) but "as a fat-positive, female-identified, black, butch geekgirl, I find labels restricting so I reject <insert label I've decided I don't want applied to me here>." The problem with this is that it is incoherent as I've tried to point out. If our identities are so fluid that anyone can assert any identity they wish and everyone else is obliged to simply go with it out of a misguided sense of 'respect' then we have no basis for claiming that Rush Limbaugh has no business critiquing this or that aspect of black American life--unless we're going to just drop all pretense to fairness and admit that identity is fluid and self-claiming unless, of course, the person claiming an identity is someone we dislike or disagree with or otherwise find disagreeable. If we're going to do that--and to take the strong form of 'your identity is what you say it is' you pretty much have to--then we should at least be willing to be honest that our position is just as bigoted as that which we rail against with all justification. Anything else pretty much falls apart of its own weight.

The second problem with identity politics is that it invites us to engage in oppression Olympics. By that I mean that if Heart and I disagree whichever one of us hits the "you're being oppressive" button fastest wins the argument. For not-entirely-bad reasons, four or five decades ago, the idea was put forth that if a white man and a black man were talking about race in America, fair-minded listeners could prove their fair-mindedness by giving more weight to the black man than the white man. The downside--the unintended consequence--is that now whichever speaker gets to "you're the oppressor" first wins the argument. It doesn't matter if their actual argument is so full of holes that Swiss cheese looks like a block of granite in comparison, if I get there first then you lose. So even in this discussion, we see a jockeying to determine which group is being oppressed. We are all so concerned about being labeled the oppressor that we--as a community--have avoided conversations that, quite honestly, have needed to be brought out into the open for the better part of a decade.

A number of lesbians--on a site named Butch Femme Planet, mind you--have expressed feeling like outsiders or strangers in their own community. When a butch lesbian, on a site ostensibly about building community around butch and femme identity--feels like an outsider or a stranger in her own land, then we should all probably stop and take notice. It means that somehow, in some way, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Like some other women-identified butches have expressed, I feel like a stranger in my own land. As I've put it to my wife on a number of occasions, I feel like woman-identified butches are viewed as children of a lesser goddess. Yet to say so is to invite accusations of transphobia--even though such an accusation would be, in my case, patently ludicrous.

I do not have a solution for this, I'm simply trying to point out the uncomfortable dynamics at work.

Cheers
Aj

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dreadgeek

I don't think anyone here fits any particular stereotype nor do I think one needs to fit them in order to have a place within a community. I don't fit the stereotype of either a lesbian or a black lesbian. Yet, I claim lesbian as part of my identity. This discussion illustrates the problem with identity politics. In fact, it illustrates both problems with IdPol and why I would love to see the queer community abandon it. the first problem is that identity politics, whatever utility it might have, is an invitation to a kind of hair-splitting, micro-parsing of language that obfuscates more than it illuminates. What I'm seeing happen now is that *because* identity has been used to exclude, we've decided that now identity (labels) are the problem. The issue, of course, is that we don't really abandon labels or qualifying our views based upon this or that sociological category. So in pursuit of not being boxed in by labels we've gone the other direction. It's not just 'lesbian doesn't encompass me' (if that is the stance one is taking) but "as a fat-positive, female-identified, black, butch geekgirl, I find labels restricting so I reject <insert label I've decided I don't want applied to me here>." The problem with this is that it is incoherent as I've tried to point out. If our identities are so fluid that anyone can assert any identity they wish and everyone else is obliged to simply go with it out of a misguided sense of 'respect' then we have no basis for claiming that Rush Limbaugh has no business critiquing this or that aspect of black American life--unless we're going to just drop all pretense to fairness and admit that identity is fluid and self-claiming unless, of course, the person claiming an identity is someone we dislike or disagree with or otherwise find disagreeable. If we're going to do that--and to take the strong form of 'your identity is what you say it is' you pretty much have to--then we should at least be willing to be honest that our position is just as bigoted as that which we rail against with all justification. Anything else pretty much falls apart of its own weight.

The second problem with identity politics is that it invites us to engage in oppression Olympics. By that I mean that if Heart and I disagree whichever one of us hits the "you're being oppressive" button fastest wins the argument. For not-entirely-bad reasons, four or five decades ago, the idea was put forth that if a white man and a black man were talking about race in America, fair-minded listeners could prove their fair-mindedness by giving more weight to the black man than the white man. The downside--the unintended consequence--is that now whichever speaker gets to "you're the oppressor" first wins the argument. It doesn't matter if their actual argument is so full of holes that Swiss cheese looks like a block of granite in comparison, if I get there first then you lose. So even in this discussion, we see a jockeying to determine which group is being oppressed. We are all so concerned about being labeled the oppressor that we--as a community--have avoided conversations that, quite honestly, have needed to be brought out into the open for the better part of a decade.

A number of lesbians--on a site named Butch Femme Planet, mind you--have expressed feeling like outsiders or strangers in their own community. When a butch lesbian, on a site ostensibly about building community around butch and femme identity--feels like an outsider or a stranger in her own land, then we should all probably stop and take notice. It means that somehow, in some way, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Like some other women-identified butches have expressed, I feel like a stranger in my own land. As I've put it to my wife on a number of occasions, I feel like woman-identified butches are viewed as children of a lesser goddess. Yet to say so is to invite accusations of transphobia--even though such an accusation would be, in my case, patently ludicrous.

I do not have a solution for this, I'm simply trying to point out the uncomfortable dynamics at work.

Cheers
Aj

Thank you for answering. I get what you are saying.

Maybe having these discussions makes us feel left out. For myself, maybe I am a bit bitter from all the discussions and expectations over the years.

My question here is....why are we only upset that Butch Lesbians don't feel accepted of like they have a place? I agree 100% its been a problem for a long time (maybe always) and I am not trying to play Opression Olympics.

I want to feel proud.

[BullDog]

There are a number of lesbians here in this community who date and partner with males/male identified people. As far as I know they all identify as women.

Recently there were a couple of cases of men masquerading as lesbians, running online blogs. That really outraged me. To me that is appropriation.

Those two scenarios aren't even remotely the same. I get that there is the danger of appropriation but I don't think that was what anyone was talking about earlier- where lesbian means anything or can be appropriated and that no one cares.

As a butch lesbian I most certainly have felt like a stranger and as a woman identified butch as a child of a lesser god in BF commnities. However, it is also true that this is a mixed gender community and that different gender identities have relationships with both the identity of lesbian as well as real world life experience with lesbian communities.

I am a woman. Yes that's important for me to talk about in the Lesbian Zone, but I am also taking into account the social context of the community here.

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thank you for answering. I get what you are saying.

Maybe having these discussions makes us feel left out. For myself, maybe I am a bit bitter from all the discussions and expectations over the years.

My question here is....why are we only upset that Butch Lesbians don't feel accepted of like they have a place? I agree 100% its been a problem for a long time (maybe always) and I am not trying to play Opression Olympics.

I want to feel proud.

I don't think we're only upset about it when butch lesbians don't feel accepted or have a place. I think that it is a point of discussion *here* because I think that butch lesbians are the canaries in the lesbian coalmine. The issue is focusing on lesbians and lesbian identity because one would think that on a butch-femme site lesbians would at least feel welcome and not feel like interlopers.

Cheers
Aj

[BullDog]

One other quick thought on the issue of appropriation. I think lesbian is still often quite the dirty word in BF circles so I don't see those who don't really identify as one wanting to appropriate it. I don't see that as a real problem. Maybe I am missing something.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by BullDog

One other quick thought on the issue of appropriation. I think lesbian is still often quite the dirty word in BF circles so I don't see those who don't really identify as one wanting to appropriate it. I don't see that as a real problem. Maybe I am missing something.

Is Dis-appropriating a word?

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by BullDog

One other quick thought on the issue of appropriation. I think lesbian is still often quite the dirty word in BF circles so I don't see those who don't really identify as one wanting to appropriate it. I don't see that as a real problem. Maybe I am missing something.

Yes! Way back when I joined the Dash site in 1999 I remember a discussion that went on for several weeks about how the Butch/Femme dance and "Lesbianism" were 2 different things based on our brand of power exchange.

I don't think it's so far out in space that there has existed a historical rift in the identity politics of Lesbians and people who only identify as Butch or Femme. Given the history of how some Butches and Femmes have felt marginalized in Lesbian communities, I can see why some folks would shrug off a Lesbian identity.

In my head, Lesbians are women who fuck and are attracted to other women. Sometimes it's also a political identity that has nothing to do with sex but mostly does encompass attraction between women. In my head, it is redundant on a Butch/Femme website to have a "Lesbian" zone unless that Lesbian zone is being parsed out for politics sake. I have said multiple times, this entire website is a Lesbian zone.

I get the desire for women to have space that is women-oriented. I get the desire to have space that is specifically designed to house Lesbian issues. I support that!

I think that Butch/Femme identity politics have evolved over the years and we are a decidedly more Queer space than we were back in the 50's. I don't think that's a bad thing. I also don't think it's a bad thing to keep hold of that sacred space for women-centric, women-defined, women-governed space. (not only "not a bad thing" but deeply necessary)

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dreadgeek

I don't think we're only upset about it when butch lesbians don't feel accepted or have a place. I think that it is a point of discussion *here* because I think that butch lesbians are the canaries in the lesbian coalmine. The issue is focusing on lesbians and lesbian identity because one would think that on a butch-femme site lesbians would at least feel welcome and not feel like interlopers.

Cheers
Aj

Laugh....yes, one would think that...but it continues to be an issue for all of us!

It has always been a shock to me that being a Butch or Femme Lesbian is so out on the lunatic fringe.

I need to really work on reclaiming my joy.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Being a Lesbian has always been pretty confusing for those of us who do not fit the stereotype.

I would say the same thing for Femme. I am expected to be a certain way and can't live up to all that.

I want to reclaim Lesbian proudly, but Lesbians have never really claimed me, unless I was sleeping with them.

Have I only ever slept with Lesbian identified Women? No.

Do I like pussy? Oh Yeah!!!

Do I fit all the stereotypes? No.

Whats funny is with my straight friends I would say "Hell yeah I am a Lesbian! Out and Proud". Here? I get confused. I have so many things inside me and who I am attracted to is ever evolving. I don't want to feel like I need to be a certain way to be accepted.

There are stereotypes about every ethnic, racial, cultural and sexual ID. Most are untrue, and some of those stereotypes exist in opposition to other, equally well known stereotypes. For instance, Jewish people have often been stereotyped as cheap skinflints. Conversely, Jewish people are also stereotyped as giving large sums of money to causes important to them. Are either or neither of these things true? Are either of these stereotypes more true of Jews than of any other minority? Most importantly, do Jews regularly disavow their heritage if they don't fit into known stereotypes?

Why is it so easy for us to say, 'Well I/she/they can't be lesbian because I/she/they don't wear flannel and Birkenstocks/hate men/ride a motorcycle to the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival, etc.? (Full disclosure- I've never owned Birkenstocks, but I have once ridden my motorcycle to Mich-fest. It was the year that the Seps tried to oust the Leatherdykes, but that's another post.) Why do we allow others to define this essential part of who we are based on a collection of stereotypes which may or may not be outdated and irrelevant? Is there some perfect andro-lesbian with an, ummm, magic wand, running around conferring twoo lesbian status on the anointed few who fit every stereotype?

Of the lesbians in my circles who are not b-f or leatherdykes, each and every one of them still fail to conform to the perfect lesbian stereotype in at least one way. Do they also have to question whether they're a twoo lesbian? And why do we care whether or not another lesbian thinks we're lesbian enough anyway?

Why are we, seemingly alone amongst all the other minorities, so ready to throw each other and ourselves out of the lesbian club? These questions have been bothering me for the 28 or more years that I've been an out lesbian.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

There are stereotypes about every ethnic, racial, cultural and sexual ID. Most are untrue, and some of those stereotypes exist in opposition to other, equally well known stereotypes. For instance, Jewish people have often been stereotyped as cheap skinflints. Conversely, Jewish people are also stereotyped as giving large sums of money to causes important to them. Are either or neither of these things true? Are either of these stereotypes more true of Jews than of any other minority? Most importantly, do Jews regularly disavow their heritage if they don't fit into known stereotypes?

Why is it so easy for us to say, 'Well I/she/they can't be lesbian because I/she/they don't wear flannel and Birkenstocks/hate men/ride a motorcycle to the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival, etc.? (Full disclosure- I've never owned Birkenstocks, but I have once ridden my motorcycle to Mich-fest. It was the year that the Seps tried to oust the Leatherdykes, but that's another post.) Why do we allow others to define this essential part of who we are based on a collection of stereotypes which may or may not be outdated and irrelevant? Is there some perfect andro-lesbian with an, ummm, magic wand, running around conferring twoo lesbian status on the anointed few who fit every stereotype?

Of the lesbians in my circles who are not b-f or leatherdykes, each and every one of them still fail to conform to the perfect lesbian stereotype in at least one way. Do they also have to question whether they're a twoo lesbian? And why do we care whether or not another lesbian thinks we're lesbian enough anyway?

Why are we, seemingly alone amongst all the other minorities, so ready to throw each other and ourselves out of the lesbian club? These questions have been bothering me for the 28 or more years that I've been an out lesbian.

Point taken !!!

I have never fit in and its dumb that I expect to now.

Am I a Lesbian yes. Am I proud I love Women? Hell yes!

ps. I am confused about what we are and are not supposed to be discussing here, so if this is not it it is because I am confused.