Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Nat

I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.

I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them.

The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat.

I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts.

There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action.

Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread!

((((Nat))))
wow, can i relate with this post. thank you very much for sharing!
Purging was hard for me to hide as well, my doctor found me out one day after i had been doing it awhile and she put the fear into me, as a single mother i didn't want to be admitted into the hospital nor deal with the health problems she suggested, including death. Although it didn't stop me from purging, it did slow it way down... For the most part, i binged and binged and binged some more - even that wasn't an everyday thing in the beginning, but it eventually took over my everyday... i started to gain some serious weight - and sadly hurting my finances, in a major way. It really caused us some hardships, especially where i wasn't working for years - and i've an extreme guilt over that alone, which is something i do not forgive myself for, i struggle to but it's difficult, because it not only affected me but those around me.. How embarrassing..

OA has been such a source of a great tool for me, especially lately where i've no counselling - i can relate with being the non christian in the room.. The very first OA meeting i attended, was here in town and i struggled with getting around the spiritual part of it and focusing on what i needed for me, the part on overeating.. i was overwhelmed with how much these ladies focused on things i couldn't get my mind around, it was the one and only meeting i attended, because i was able to find a really great website that hosts online meetings every 3 hours of the day.. It isn't so focused on spirituality, but on the overeating.. There is some mention of it, but i can now wrap my head around that part in my own ways by praying or meditating in my own ways - and i really gain some perspective about the compulsive overeating and dealing with my emotions - so online works much better for me, not only because of that but because it's available every 3 hours of the day and night - whereas the one here in town was just Monday nights at 7pm and Saturday mornings at 10am... Both times, i am always working and could never make it, except on rare occasions, i need something available to me more often - and so these meetings worked great.

This may sound a bit strange too, lol.. (on my part) but.. i couldn't get over the hugs that night when i attended the OA meeting.. Everyone kept coming at me with hugs, not small quick hugs, but the long hold me forever kind of hugs that i couldn't break out of their grasp, i didn't know any of these people from a hole in a wall - and i got really overwhelmed because though i love to hug - a bunch of people i don't even know is an exception - and on that night i was feeling extremely fragile and fearful , not being sure if i fit in.. actually i didn't feel like i fit in at all - but struggled to stay there and complete that meeting.. they had me read out loud from some books, which felt okay with me but the hugs felt like too much, i could have handled quick hugs maybe and welcomes but... oy, lemme go! Maybe now i would be less overwhelmed with attending those meetings, if my work hours allowed, it was all new to me and i had a lot of anger that night because letting go of my food would be difficult, practicing abstinence? How could they expect that of me ?

Now i get it and am open to trying and working on myself more everyday...it still angers me, especially my emotions... looking at foods i LOVED and binged on and realizing i will n ever put that in my mouth again - or hope not to.. i feel cheated, i feel like it's not fair, people around me get to eat what they want but i'm not allowed - because i did this to myself.. i go on feelings of feeling pathetic and worthless and all kinds of crap feelings when my anger moments arise... i have to work on finding ways around that, and dealing with my anger.. SOmething that worked great for me was exercise.. When i felt a really angry moment coming on and knew i was going to beat myself up in a bad way, i would get out and walk or work out in some way, it helped bring me positivity... if that wasn't possible, i would journal or meditate.. But there are times i got so stuck in my anger that i couldn't motivate myself to do any of these things - it's really hard to accept that not EVERYday will be a good day.. ::

At work, this is one of my most difficult places to deal with this..Feeding a resident things "i" want to be able to eat, really throws my emotions into a spin.. They say home should be the safe zone, and for the most part it is - but when i go to work i have no control over what is being fed to the residents.. So the fact i can get my hands on as many pieces of cheesecake that are left over or apple crisp or cookies or anything else of the sort - even meals is difficult.. i need to have self control which i have very little of.. So the best thing i could do was tell my co-workers.. Not all, but some... That way, if i put my hands on a piece of cheesecake, i will feel guilty if i walk away with one for me.. it's my only hope of making it through a workday.. It was NOTHING for me to grab a few of whatever i wanted and tuck away somewhere and eat it all with no one knowing.. i could still do that if i wanted to, easily... Even if people know about my eating disorder, it would be nothing for me to do it.. When we have birthday parties for the residents, the amount of food that goes through that place and that we can feast on as well is ridiculous - it's sooo soooo hard... Have i given in to temptation? a few times i have, completely embarrassing...

As well as at home - what's difficult at home is that i have teenagers who aren't always mindful of what momma is going through.. One is 18, and one is 15.. i have sat with them and told them how difficult this is for me, that i am seeking help and all about my compulsive overeating/binging and even the occasional purging...They are very understanding and do their best most days not to tempt me - but i still hear them talk about what they're going to the store for sometimes, and i still have seen them walk in here with junkfood and go to their rooms to eat with the door shut, and i have come home from work sometimes to see half eaten potato chips or half drank sodapop... i wont touch them because they've already drank out of them, but my emotions go spinning out of control and it takes everything i have in me NOT to go to the corner store which is only a few steps away from me and buy exactly what i am craving at that moment...

It's what i would do in the past , it was nothing for me to go to the corner store and buy 20 dollars with of junkfood and come home and eat it, and i would do this EVERY night for years.. It affected me in so many different ways, i became antisocial, i gained weight, my self esteem got driven into the ground, i had no ambition to get out working or help myself in any way, and i was spending money that should have went towards bills, NOT to mention had way too much junkfood on hand that the children would eat sometimes too - and i am thankful everyday right now that it's eventually turned my children against eating so much junkfood - however, i see signs of bulemia with my daughter sadly.. i've had her to the doctor and i believe we've caught it early, as we're working with her to help her learn healthy eating habits too and she's doing wonderful - i hope, i hope with all my might that she's learning the dangers from me, the emotions and the hurt and my self destructive behaviours, i share it all with them ...

One thing you mentionned Nat, that really struck a chord with me is that you are totally unconscious about the amounts you eat - *nods* me too.. i lie to myself all the time, as well as others, that was big for me - even when i first started the OA program and was in counselling - i still wasn't being 100% truthful, so now when i am truthful via people who understand this (such as here in this thread for instance) it's extremely embarrassing, the guilt i feel is difficult, so very difficult.. it's hard to want to put it here for all to read.. Even starting this thread was hard for me, it's something i had considered doing for a long time, and i kept saying to Mtn why isn't there an Eating Disorder thread, i wish someone would start one.. He searched high and low as well and then suggested i start one.. HUH? noooo! lol.. That would mean putting my stuff out there, rather than perving a thread quietly for my own benefit... But, i did it on what felt like one of my stronger days.. Am i happy for doing it? i am in the sense that between posts here in this thread as well as rep and private messages from those who wont share publicly, it's SO helpful for me to get that support - it's an extra tool for me..

i do not have a sponsor, i wrote my name on the sponsor list that night i attended the OA meeting here in town, but nothing came of that because i never went back.. i do have the list of people i can call, but i haven't.. It's scary to me to pick up that phone and call someone i don't know, i think my low self esteem makes me feel like i'm bugging someone and maybe i'm also using that as an excuse.. So making this thread was a huge step in my recovery journey, and i'm finding it easier to put it all out here, whether good days or bad days - having this support system is a tremendous thing and thank you so much for lending your story too... i sooo appreciate it!

It really does help, to know that other people understand my 'ways'.. The things i do that most people might regard as strange, for instance going to a restaurant with some of my friends because they're choosing a restaurant that are all fried foods, i will t ell them i cant.. they say you CAN sometimes, you cant totally stop or you'll want to eat it.. i try to explain and they look at me strangely.. or get togethers, i'm not strong enough for those yet, i know it's riddled with foods i cant handle being around.. i think i could if i had someone with me who knew my struggle and who could remind me to grab at the healthy things - maybe...i know my friends just don't get it.. Or how hard it is to grocery shop, i get so crazy emotional, and i look like a crazed woman having conversations with myself, or tearing up cuz i want SO much to toss that bag of doritos in my shopping cart.. i'll walk away, i'll go back, i'll walk away again..

Something i did a week ago that i'm not proud of.. i got so bent emotionally one day after gaining the 4 lbs, i started pinching my stomache, constantly all day.. my tummy was so bruised and paining by the end of the day - that was a new behaviour for me, maybe was a way for me to feel control of something, or maybe just a way to abuse myself for giving in - the guilt of giving in that day was so overwhelming.. i was very hard on myself emotionally too.. i'm still not back up to par, i'm still not motivated to exercise again, though i'm working my way back to that and it's taking everything i have to put food in my mouth at all - it was a struggle for awhile.. (starvation is another way i would punish myself if i couldn't binge or felt guilty) one extreme to another..

sabotaging myself, setting myself up for failure and then getting stuck in the guilt and reasons to abuse myself over it - vicious circle.. but one i'm stuck in often..

Thanks for being so real with me girls, and allowing me to do the same..
having a place to do this, with understanding is a wonderful tool for me..
(((((huggggz)))))