PTSD and Trauma recovery

Andrew, Jr. · 01-28-2010, 10:24 PM

Gemme,

Yes I agree with you. I am offended and insulted when the folks who say "so what" like it is no big deal. Or come back with some rude remark about my past after digging for information. I had no idea that my life was to be an open book for everyone to read and judge. I think until you have someone holding a knife at your throat you will never understand.

Canela · 01-29-2010, 11:05 PM

I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!

DELSDAUGHTER · 01-30-2010, 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleShug

I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!

no its not crazy at all, what you said. I have met several people in my life that repeat the same choices and gravitate to the same type of people because it felt like the "norm" I had two very special people walk out of my life because things were "too good" My therapist said it was because it was not what they were used to ,having grown up in dysfunctional households and years of abuse. They said i was too good to them....
i appreciate the insight you have given me...

Andrew, Jr. · 01-30-2010, 01:14 PM

This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.

DELSDAUGHTER · 01-30-2010, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.

i know exactly how you feel.......when my abusive bio dad died it was like a weight was lifted off of me...and i only had to live with it till i was nine....

all i can say is thank god for my step dad......

Canela · 01-30-2010, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DELSDAUGHTER

no its not crazy at all, what you said. I have met several people in my life that repeat the same choices and gravitate to the same type of people because it felt like the "norm" I had two very special people walk out of my life because things were "too good" My therapist said it was because it was not what they were used to ,having grown up in dysfunctional households and years of abuse. They said i was too good to them....
i appreciate the insight you have given me...

Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!

DELSDAUGHTER · 01-30-2010, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!

well reading how you all are growing and living goodlives...gives me hope that those people that walked away will someday find their way to this same point you all have....thanks for including me in this conversation all of you....

Canela · 02-01-2010, 11:39 AM

I know this probably goes in the "quotes" thread, but I read it today and thought I would share it with all of us here...

A road well begun is the battle half won.
The important thing is to make a beginning
and get under way…

Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
Danish philosopher and writer

Love and blessings to you all,

Little Shug

HeartBreak Kid · 02-04-2010, 09:55 AM

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

Jet · 03-13-2010, 06:43 PM

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

Princess4u · 03-13-2010, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

No one is ever the same after confronting their PTSD, at least that is what I think and feel, but perhaps we become a better person, more compassionate, more loving, more helpful to others in distress. I think become more humble and willing to accept things that we once shunned away from ourselves. Perhaps seeing the beauty beyond the outter shell of ppl and things. Admiring the beauty GOD has granted us with each and everyday. With each new season, a thunderstorm. Because we realize how fragile life can be, we realize how precious ppl can be and that the truest of blessings are the most simplest of things inside of ourselves and around us. We may never know that person we once were, but imagine the person you can become once you are complete and whole again. Dream big and lift yourself out of the darkness to become the man you want to be!

Gemme · 03-13-2010, 10:41 PM

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Everything changes from that moment on and you have to work exceptionally hard to not only get back to where you were (as best as possible, anyway), but you've new obstacles to overcome. You have to find a way to gain the strength to give yourself life and to remain present in it.

02-04-2010, 09:55 AM	#9
HeartBreak Kid Member How Do You Identify?: self Preferred Pronoun?: User formally Known as Tygerlily Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: my skin Posts: 372 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 260 Thanked 446 Times in 166 Posts Rep Power: 28	murder of self.. In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines..... A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........ One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it. I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse....... There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me. ~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~ __________________ ~Beautiful, sobbing, high-geared fucking and then to lie silently like deer tracks in the freshly-fallen snow beside the one you love . That's All~ ~Richard Brautigan, "Deer Tracks"~ Peace and Love http://images5.cafepress.com/product...x480_Front.jpg "Pssssst.......your STEREOTYPES are showing".... ~StabbyK~

03-13-2010, 10:41 PM	#12
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,926 Times in 25,666 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here. Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny." Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been. Everything changes from that moment on and you have to work exceptionally hard to not only get back to where you were (as best as possible, anyway), but you've new obstacles to overcome. You have to find a way to gain the strength to give yourself life and to remain present in it. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

01-28-2010, 10:24 PM	#1
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Gemme, Yes I agree with you. I am offended and insulted when the folks who say "so what" like it is no big deal. Or come back with some rude remark about my past after digging for information. I had no idea that my life was to be an open book for everyone to read and judge. I think until you have someone holding a knife at your throat you will never understand.

01-29-2010, 11:05 PM	#2
Canela Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Babe, she, her, ella Relationship Status: Well loved… Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Texas Posts: 2,375 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,644 Thanked 6,503 Times in 1,694 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!

01-30-2010, 01:14 PM	#4
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.

02-01-2010, 11:39 AM	#8
Canela Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Babe, she, her, ella Relationship Status: Well loved… Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Texas Posts: 2,375 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,644 Thanked 6,503 Times in 1,694 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I know this probably goes in the "quotes" thread, but I read it today and thought I would share it with all of us here... A road well begun is the battle half won. The important thing is to make a beginning and get under way… Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855) Danish philosopher and writer Love and blessings to you all, Little Shug

03-13-2010, 06:43 PM	#10
Jet Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: .. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .. Posts: 3,471 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 292 Thanked 2,647 Times in 1,293 Posts Rep Power: 0	It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.