Beyond Owning It...

dixie · 09-06-2011, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

I lack patience in heated debates when others cannot grasp the concept I am presenting.

I am easily frustrated when communication is difficult and often look for something to blame it on.

I tend to judge harshly and react with venom when I perceive that someone has been harsh to me.

For all of these things I am trying to take my time and ask myself "how much of this is me, and how much of this is them? Are there things they might be going through that I don't know about that would influence how they are interacting with everyone around them?". I'm trying very hard to be more compassionate. I'm also working on starting a new thread with a friend to discuss what I find to be major stumbling blocks in communication.

I haven't even posted in this thread yet but already I see "advice". lol I have the same exact issues: easily frustrated, lack of patience, use of venom.

Those are good thoughts to ask yourself. I have been trying to do the same, learning (trying) how to not allow the comments/responses of others to hit so deeply with me. I don't like the feelings of frustration and anger that I sometimes get when debating subjects that are close to my heart or deal with passionate issues for me (and oh, there are many of those). I look forward to your discussion on those stumbling blocks, because I have many issues with that as well.

Elijah · 09-06-2011, 03:39 PM

Just for clarity, advice is fine as long as the poster has asked for advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dixielady

I haven't even posted in this thread yet but already I see "advice". lol I have the same exact issues: easily frustrated, lack of patience, use of venom.

dixie · 09-06-2011, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElijahRene

Just for clarity, advice is fine as long as the poster has asked for advice.

I am aware. I wasn't giving advice. I was saying that I was coming into the thread to post my own and ask for advice, yet SA had posted some really good thoughts related to my same issue which I jokingly stated was the advice "I" was looking for (as in, there it was before I even asked).

Elijah · 09-06-2011, 04:16 PM

Ah, okay...I misunderstood you. Thank you for the clarity. *s

Quote:

Originally Posted by dixielady

I am aware. I wasn't giving advice. I was saying that I was coming into the thread to post my own and ask for advice, yet SA had posted some really good thoughts related to my same issue which I jokingly stated was the advice "I" was looking for (as in, there it was before I even asked).

dixie · 09-06-2011, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElijahRene

Ah, okay...I misunderstood you. Thank you for the clarity. *s

I totally own the fact that my written communication skills are lacking a lot of the time. I really wish I knew a way to communicate better with words than with voice. I read and re-read before posting yet things still come across in ways other than I intended. If anyone has any advice to help with this, I would really appreciate it!

sara-bera · 09-06-2011, 04:25 PM

I panic. Over silly things, usually. It's definitely better today then it was even a year ago, but I still panic sometimes.

I'm occasionally impatient. I've gotten a little better at letting the universe unfold as it's meant to. Every so often though, I still just want to "make something happen right now."

I've gotten angry twice this year. Next year, I will go the whole year without anger. I'm looking forward to it. Letting go of anger has been so rewarding.

I'm super duper, ridiculously, painfully shy. I love to talk to strangers and meet new people, but I almost can't unless they talk to me first. And heaven forbid it's someone I'm attracted to - before I speak to them, my chest feels like it's going to explode. I don't know how to work on this other than to push through it and talk to people whenever I can.

foxyshaman · 09-07-2011, 10:04 AM

Regarding the "in" me I had a brain spasm which brought forth a good idea to combine the out and in personalities.

I have been asked to lend my name and skills to a particular event. I agreed, the more the merrier. So, I will perform a story, which I love to do. Storytelling is one of my favorite things to do. I am all like action, funny voices, sarcasm and try to have some intuitive insight. Anyway.... I asked a friend of mine to come and share the stage with me. After I tell my story (which is an East Indian story about shapeshifting dieties and the Goddess Kundalini <excited face>) my friend and I are going to openly discuss the difficulties with being both public and private people. Each of us, in our own way and within the context of our differenent spiritual practices, will discuss coping mechanisms and struggles.

I don't know if it is such a good idea. I admit to being scared to show the vulnerable to face, to a crowd that has no expectation of such, however I feel quite drawn to expressing my authenticity from an authentic place. (redundant I know but still...

)

Gemme · 09-09-2011, 05:44 PM

I am a demanding bitch.

Most of the time, I'm okay with it. Sometimes I regret it. Other times, I'm extremely frustrated because others do not see things as I do.

I have control issues.

My way isn't the only way; just the best way. Being objective, I'm right about this often. Not always, but often.

I am very judgemental.

Moreso of myself than others, but everyone sees my judgement of them but rarely that of myself. I am a very harsh critic. I guess this ties in with the previous two notes.

A very simple example to give you an idea of what I mean. The toilet paper roll. When you're done with the roll, put a new roll on the thingy and the old roll in the recycling bag. Most of the time, that is not how it happens and that makes for an unhappy me. See, I can't just let the empty roll sit there on the counter or wherever it's been put. Everything has a place and there's a place for everything and that place is not on the fucking counter. So, I move it to the recycling bag. In the process of doing that, I bitch to Ebon about it not being put in the bag in the first place. He says it would have made it there eventually. I say why not do it then, when you changed it over? He says "I dunno" and I drill holes in his back with my eyes and stew in judgemental juices.

It's a good thing he thinks I'm cute.

Red Dirt Girl · 09-13-2011, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RitaSink

I've gotten angry twice this year.

Wow. Angry twice in 8 & a half months? That's fairly remarkable.

I get angry far more frequently.

A few of the issues I personally lord over:

• I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to the written/spoken word. (And, surely, I will make some egregious spelling error or grammatical blunder now that I've owned up to this). It really bugs me when folks incorrectly use words like to/too/two, there/they’re/their, its/it’s and your/you’re. I also get pretty irritated by the use of the word irregardless (although, according to my version of Microsoft Word, it is, in fact, a word). Why these things bother me so much I have no idea. Others may have issues with the overuse of commas, which I’m pretty sure I offered an example of in my previous, parenthetical, statement. I’m not sure what steps I can take to change this. (Advice welcome, but I think it just kind of boils down to I’m a bit of a bitch.)

• I’m extremely self-critical and can be mean to myself. (Working on it. Always, always working on it.)

• Like ElijahRene, I too have a tendency to think whatever group I am a part of is somehow superior to whatever the "other" group is. This doesn’t seem congruent with my previous point, but it’s nonetheless true. I also tend to call this behavior out when I see/hear/perceive it in other folks. Hmmm… that’s kind of interesting to me. I will ponder more on this.

Love the thread, ER.

Library_girl · 09-13-2011, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

A few of the issues I personally lord over:

• I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to the written/spoken word. (And, surely, I will make some egregious spelling error or grammatical blunder now that I've owned up to this). It really bugs me when folks incorrectly use words like to/too/two, there/they’re/their, its/it’s and your/you’re. I also get pretty irritated by the use of the word irregardless (although, according to my version of Microsoft Word, it is, in fact, a word). Why these things bother me so much I have no idea. Others may have issues with the overuse of commas, which I’m pretty sure I offered an example of in my previous, parenthetical, statement. I’m not sure what steps I can take to change this. (Advice welcome, but I think it just kind of boils down to I’m a bit of a bitch.)

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I am so happy you said this. All of these things drive me crazy too. I don't care if it makes me a "snob". It's just me and I will always be like this. I can't seem to help it! I can be a sloppy typist--but that's an entirely different matter. The misuse of homonyms and the invented words make me shudder. Don't get me started on "orientate" or "conversate".

(And I think your comma usage is just fine and dandy!)

DamonK · 09-14-2011, 12:06 AM

Ever notice I nearly always type in grey?

There's a reason.

I see things in black and white. I take things extremely literally. For example, you say you'll be there in 5 minutes. That means 5 minutes. Not 20.

I'm VERY VERY VERY black and white.

MBE gets sooooooo mad about it.

So, I type in grey to remind myself that many times there *is* a grey area and I need to try to be aware and look for it.

atomiczombie · 09-14-2011, 12:37 AM

I am far too hard on myself. I set impossible standards for myself to follow and then when I don't meet those standards, I bash myself. I would never expect things from others that I expect from myself. I guess I am my own self-abuser.

It's really mostly the voice of my older brother than I have internalized (and probably that mean baby-sitter I had when I was 6, and a mean 1st grade teacher too), but it doesn't make it much easier to remember that. I work on this in therapy all the time, but I don't really *do* much about it beyond occasionally acknowledging it. I really need to cut myself some slack. It's hard. My brain is so programmed from childhood to do this, it seems almost impossible to find a new way to think. Does anyone have any advice for me?

SoNotHer · 09-14-2011, 12:50 AM

AZ, I think some of us hear that voice. It's good that you know where it comes from. A next step would be to start to classify the kind of thought it is:

Oh looky there, another pot shot comment.

Oh, here we go with another burst-my-own bubble comment

And what do you know, here's another completely baseless self-disparaging remark that feels like a rotten tomato tossed at me.

Once you classify the thoughts, you can start to realize a type and pattern, This no only quantities and clarifies the problem, it diminishes the power of the problem.

So call these thoughts what the are. Thank them and let them go. And then follow up with a chaser of positive thought like, "Hey, wasn't I great at___ yesterday" or "I'm so thankful for _______" or simply "I'm a good person doing good things."

This takes some practice, but it does work. And you will begin to feel differently in time.

The other thing you can do is start to catalog what your body does when you have a disparaging vs. an affirming thought. Just pay attention to your body's reaction. I think you'll find it fascinating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I am far too hard on myself. I set impossible standards for myself to follow and then when I don't meet those standards, I bash myself... I really need to cut myself some slack. It's hard. My brain is so programmed from childhood to do this, it seems almost impossible to find a new way to think. Does anyone have any advice for me?

09-07-2011, 10:04 AM	#7
foxyshaman Member How Do You Identify?: spiritually minded dirt dog Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: canada Posts: 898 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,957 Thanked 2,592 Times in 663 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Regarding the "in" me I had a brain spasm which brought forth a good idea to combine the out and in personalities. I have been asked to lend my name and skills to a particular event. I agreed, the more the merrier. So, I will perform a story, which I love to do. Storytelling is one of my favorite things to do. I am all like action, funny voices, sarcasm and try to have some intuitive insight. Anyway.... I asked a friend of mine to come and share the stage with me. After I tell my story (which is an East Indian story about shapeshifting dieties and the Goddess Kundalini <excited face>) my friend and I are going to openly discuss the difficulties with being both public and private people. Each of us, in our own way and within the context of our differenent spiritual practices, will discuss coping mechanisms and struggles. I don't know if it is such a good idea. I admit to being scared to show the vulnerable to face, to a crowd that has no expectation of such, however I feel quite drawn to expressing my authenticity from an authentic place. (redundant I know but still... ) __________________ Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Muriel Strode

09-09-2011, 05:44 PM	#8
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,975 Times in 25,668 Posts Rep Power: 21474888	no advice needed, just feeling the vibe of the thread I am a demanding bitch. Most of the time, I'm okay with it. Sometimes I regret it. Other times, I'm extremely frustrated because others do not see things as I do. I have control issues. My way isn't the only way; just the best way. Being objective, I'm right about this often. Not always, but often. I am very judgemental. Moreso of myself than others, but everyone sees my judgement of them but rarely that of myself. I am a very harsh critic. I guess this ties in with the previous two notes. A very simple example to give you an idea of what I mean. The toilet paper roll. When you're done with the roll, put a new roll on the thingy and the old roll in the recycling bag. Most of the time, that is not how it happens and that makes for an unhappy me. See, I can't just let the empty roll sit there on the counter or wherever it's been put. Everything has a place and there's a place for everything and that place is not on the fucking counter. So, I move it to the recycling bag. In the process of doing that, I bitch to Ebon about it not being put in the bag in the first place. He says it would have made it there eventually. I say why not do it then, when you changed it over? He says "I dunno" and I drill holes in his back with my eyes and stew in judgemental juices. It's a good thing he thinks I'm cute. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

09-14-2011, 12:37 AM	#12
atomiczombie Member How Do You Identify?: Femmesensual Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him, His Relationship Status: Dating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rio Vista, CA Posts: 1,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,949 Thanked 3,221 Times in 759 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I am far too hard on myself. I set impossible standards for myself to follow and then when I don't meet those standards, I bash myself. I would never expect things from others that I expect from myself. I guess I am my own self-abuser. It's really mostly the voice of my older brother than I have internalized (and probably that mean baby-sitter I had when I was 6, and a mean 1st grade teacher too), but it doesn't make it much easier to remember that. I work on this in therapy all the time, but I don't really do much about it beyond occasionally acknowledging it. I really need to cut myself some slack. It's hard. My brain is so programmed from childhood to do this, it seems almost impossible to find a new way to think. Does anyone have any advice for me? __________________ http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/k...orums_2000.gif Russian Unicorn http://occupiedmedia.us/

09-06-2011, 04:25 PM	#6
sara-bera Member How Do You Identify?: female Join Date: May 2011 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 1,161 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,687 Thanked 2,858 Times in 739 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I panic. Over silly things, usually. It's definitely better today then it was even a year ago, but I still panic sometimes. I'm occasionally impatient. I've gotten a little better at letting the universe unfold as it's meant to. Every so often though, I still just want to "make something happen right now." I've gotten angry twice this year. Next year, I will go the whole year without anger. I'm looking forward to it. Letting go of anger has been so rewarding. I'm super duper, ridiculously, painfully shy. I love to talk to strangers and meet new people, but I almost can't unless they talk to me first. And heaven forbid it's someone I'm attracted to - before I speak to them, my chest feels like it's going to explode. I don't know how to work on this other than to push through it and talk to people whenever I can.

09-14-2011, 12:06 AM	#11
DamonK Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: May 2010 Location: . Posts: 2,199 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,527 Thanked 7,762 Times in 1,881 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Ever notice I nearly always type in grey? There's a reason. I see things in black and white. I take things extremely literally. For example, you say you'll be there in 5 minutes. That means 5 minutes. Not 20. I'm VERY VERY VERY black and white. MBE gets sooooooo mad about it. So, I type in grey to remind myself that many times there is a grey area and I need to try to be aware and look for it.