*~friendships~*

[jelli]

How do you handle friends splitting up? Can you be friends with both? And what about the dating circles, I hear and see of people dating so much within a circle that everyone has eventually slept with everyone in that circle. Do you let "friends" know if they're embarking on a dating adventure with a person you know is XYZ? Is it the same or different online as far as friends splitting up or getting ready to date someone you have prior knowledge about?

Recently we've had some friends/acquaintances that have split up. One couple had been together for about 7 years and the other for about 12(I think).

When I hear about someone with some time under their relationship belt breaking up it feels like a sucker punch. As if it knocks a bit of wind from your sail. Thinking something along the lines of "If so & so can't make it, then surely how are we going to make it?".

We had no idea this was coming. Sure we knew they had some "stuff" just like most of us, but damn.

[Medusa]

I'm always a little sad when folks have a breakup and I often find myself wanting to soothe the situation or help them transition into singlehood as painlessly as possible. (unless one of them has been an asshole)

I'll use Scorp and Divina as an example. I have a long-term friendship with both of them and love them both dearly. If something were to even happen between them, I would be broken-hearted on their behalf and offer my support to both of them.
However, if I found out that Scorp had gone nuts and torn up their gorgeous home and then thrown a bowl of spaghetti at Divina and then proceeded to blast her all over Facebook, I would have serious issues with Scorp and knowing that she had treated someone she loved (and that I loved) in an unforgivable way would make it hard for me to respect her or maintain a friendship with her.

I have sometimes found that when 2 people break up, one or both of them might expect "loyalty" from their friends and be irritated for spending time with their recent ex. This is a hurtful and unfair situation but I'd hope that the people breaking up would make a genuine effort not to involve their shared friends.

I'll also share a little experience I had several years ago. (not about anyone on this site)

I broke up with someone I had been having a lengthy relationship with and hoped to move forward with relative peace. Upon our break-up, someone who I considered a very close friend all of the sudden started reaching out to my ex in a super-personal way. They had never had any kind of personal relationship before and my friend had never expressed any interest in building a friendship with my ex until the day I broke up with her. This person was also in a lengthy relationship so it wasn't about her trying to date my ex or anything but it definitely damaged our friendship.

I think that as long as people are honest and in touch with their feelings and are also sensitive to what other people are going through (on both ends! The people breaking up and the people having to navigate around it!) that people can still maintain relationships around it.

As far as someone dating someone I have prior knowledge about, it depends on the level of friendship I have with them on what I tell them about the person they are about the date. If it were, say, Irishgrrl whom I have a deep friendship with, and she were about to start dating a Butch who was a known con-artist, gamer, or had substance abuse issues, I'd pick up the phone in a heartbeat.
It might go like this:
"Irish! GIRRLLL, you can NOT date that fool! She's a con-artist!"

If it were someone that I am friendly with but whom I do not have a close tie to, I might wait until they asked if I knew anything or I might say "Hey! How's it going with so and so?" Don't get me wrong, if I knew that someone was actively lying or scamming, I'd say something.

I always hope that when people get together or split up that it is with open hearts and the best intention toward the other person. <3

[Starbuck]

There used to be three of us that were inseperable, hanging out all the time, did most things together. We are all military Veterans so we also had that in common besides being lesbians. Then one day a disagreement between the other two ensued and they've never gotten over it. Well, at least D has never gotten over it. R says she's forgiven D but sometimes I wonder by some of the comments she makes. I'm still friends with both of them, well D is my gf! D has asked me to not tell R what she and I talk about and I respect that, because what we do and say is a private matter, it is our life. It's like I have two separate friendships and they don't know each other, except they do.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by jelli

How do you handle friends splitting up? Can you be friends with both? And what about the dating circles, I hear and see of people dating so much within a circle that everyone has eventually slept with everyone in that circle. Do you let "friends" know if they're embarking on a dating adventure with a person you know is XYZ? Is it the same or different online as far as friends splitting up or getting ready to date someone you have prior knowledge about?

Recently we've had some friends/acquaintances that have split up. One couple had been together for about 7 years and the other for about 12(I think).

When I hear about someone with some time under their relationship belt breaking up it feels like a sucker punch. As if it knocks a bit of wind from your sail. Thinking something along the lines of "If so & so can't make it, then surely how are we going to make it?".

We had no idea this was coming. Sure we knew they had some "stuff" just like most of us, but damn.

I think people tend to personalize and mirror things, just like when you are having a face to face conversation with someone and they tilt their head one way, it's highly likely that sometime in the course of the conversation, you will do that very same thing. It's been pretty well documented, though I cannot remember the verbatim name of it. Something something mirroring.

ANYway, my point is that when our friends split, we do automatically do a comparison of them to us. Some of us are better at zipping through that and understanding that what happened to that relationship doesn't have to color our personal relationship and there are those of us who dwell on it a bit more. No one knows exactly what goes on another's home, especially behind closed doors, so it's easy to feel upset or surprised at a couple's split.

As far as friends go, I've experienced a loss of friends due to a break up. Come to find out, my ex had been saying some untrue things about me and they chose her side. I do say that they chose her side because:

1. I wasn't aware of what was being said
2. None of these folks came to me to hear my side or if there was a different side...they accepted one version as the truth, and we all know there are at least 3 sides on a truth coin.

I would try not to do that to anyone I knew because it feels like crap. Not only are you dealing with the loss of the relationship and the details of moving on...new place, bills, etc...but you are also grieving the loss of those friendships.

[girl_dee]

Some people choose sides and remain what they feel is loyal to that side, even if no one is *at fault*..more of the *you dumped my buddy so I don't like you anymore* kinda thing...

I would remain friends with both if no one mistreated the other, if so I would not want much to do with the person that was being a shithead.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by June

It would be a lot more convenient for me if everyone would just stay together.

[bigbutchmistie]

Ideally I wished people would just stay together. But alas thats not the case.

My best friend whom has had mulitple different partners over the years. Out of her exes the ones I am not friends with screwed my friend over in some way or another. They aint gettin my friendship at all. The only thing they will get from me is a boot up their ass for how they treated her.

I have only continued friendship with one of her exe's. Cause of how she treated my friend before and after the mutual break up. And the quality individual she is. It was difficult for both of us at first to continue to be friends. However, for me, once I decided to separate them in my mind it became easier. So as far as my best friend went I dont mention the x and with the x I dont mention my best friend.

I will always do this should I be in the situation again.

Now as far as my friend staying friends with someone I dated NOPE. And thats just cause of how bad they treated me.

This is just my two cents and experience on the matter

[*Anya*]

I am with Medusa on this-unless one had done something unforgivable to the other, such as domestic violence; I would do my best to remain friends with each of them but separately.

I would not ever gossip about either one to the other. Nor would I expect them to "choose" me if I were the one breaking up.

Not fair to do that to friends.