Ireparably Broken?

[RadiantYearning]

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

[SoNotHer]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

What is the worst that would happen if you did email her? She might be angry with you or not respond at all. But at least you let her know. And I am sure some part of her knew that you were in this place. But she may also really welcome hearing from you.

You may have read Arwen's tarots posts. They're quite good. One of them for my sign was about cycles and about letting go of a love to let love come in again and cycle. It was also about helping other people.

I think love does cycle, and sometimes the things we do show an immediate effect, and sometimes they just plant a seed. If you contact her, it may give her some understanding or at least resolution, and if she's angry with you, just know that that will pass and that that's where she needs to be.

If you're still thinking about this and even haunted by it, you may both have a much stronger connection than either one of you realize.

[*Anya*]

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.


I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

[macele]

these are things i know for sure.
no advice here, just sure things.

we have to get rid of the junk that is bringing us down.
then our hearts can move on, heal ...
be grateful, thankful.

we can fall in love again, ...
with a person, place, or thing.
the heart needs to detach and reattach.

the heart doesn't ask permission to love/to fall in love.
even those that don't deserve.

timing is everything. a time to stay, a time to leave, etc.

ask for help.
whether it's professional
or from those everyday angels that are waiting
to pick us up and give us a soft shove in the right direction.

fear comes in so many shapes and sizes.
happiness can't live in fear.

our entire beings tell us when we need change.
we know. but sometimes we've let it build up so high
before we try to change ...

feeling unworthy, mistakes, feeling like we can't ever be the same,
like we've screwed it all up so much ... why try --
we hurt and we go numb thinking that will stop the hurt.
we feel overwhelmed.

we are special. you are special.
i hope that you reconnect with your heart soon.

[Sachita]

I spent almost 3 years in a haze of anger, sadness and loneliness. I decided to channel all of that into something positive for my life and focused on my home and businesses. After a few years I did date some but nothing held my interest or came close to what I had.

But there was someone who woke me up in a very deep passionate way. It was intense and I felt myself come alive with passion like nothing ever before. But it was crazy and for years a bit insane. I often said if I could combine these two people I would have the ultimate mate.

My salvation through both of these is meditation. I turn inward and build emotional strength within me. I try not to focus on how I feel about others and when others move into my emotional space I quickly move them out unless that are feeding my spirit. These days is much quicker probably because I feel weaken by this last love/lust interest. It's a hard thing to shake even though I know loving hym always hurts me. But pain brings growth and change. In fact I am convinced that all love, even painful is intended to teach us to love ourselves if we chose to allow it.

[Amber2010]

I spent years disconnected because of betrayal and hurt from someone I loved with all my heart. Still to this day this seems to happen to me. The ones I trust the most seem able to hurt me the most. I think sometimes I trust to much and love unconditionally that I put myself in these situations. I do finally try to focus on myself. I can't change how this person acts or feels towards me I can only change my attitude and try so hard to move on. Exercise is a release for me. It helps me sleep and get through the night without thinking what did I do to derserve this. I am trying to tell myself I didn't do it that if I can't be accepted as I am I must move on and not let my life be ruined by this person. No matter how much I love her I must move on. It is just so hard to do!

[nobelcarrot69]

I don't know anyone here and I'm just starting out on this site. But if I may share my experiences for what they are worth. I hope I'm not crossing a line being new here. Yeras ago I was with a compulsive liar. Typical story I suppose, although nothing seems typical when it's YOU it happens to. She contantly lied about everything, cheated on me, and sucked me dry financially. Left me to clean up all the messes she created. I was angry, brokenhearted, confused, depressed, I felt so many different things on any givien day but none of them were pleasant. I was overwhelmed with grief and knew after 5 months of not making any leeway, I needed help. After 3 years of therapy I see things for what they are and I am a better person for it. I am so glad I sought help. Maybe you should try that, it worked for me.

[girl_dee]

I've always felt bent after a relationship, but not broken. Katrina, now that broke me. My spirit has never been the same since. Although breakups are hard, they do exist. I can bet that almost every single one of us can look back and say *I knew that was not going to work*. Did we get the facts and look at them? Did we ignore certain behaviors? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Two people tried, it didn't work, hopefully you can both learn a valuable lesson in that and move on, then you will be ready when the one comes along that does really work for you.

I don't believe we are all meant to be with one person forever, and I don't regret a single experience, I do regret however staying too long when I knew things were bad and allowing myself to be an enabler to others' critical issues. I have this need to *fix* people. You cannot fix people that don't want the help, and you must fix yourself before you can fix anything. It IS however easier to try to fix another person, than yourself. I've loved and shared my life with some very incredible people and also learned that there is only so much I can deal with, regardless of what someone else's issues.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Sadly, it's validating for me to hear that a smart woman like you can be so dumb, so to speak—I'm fairly well endowed, intellectually, but it doesn't seem to help me much when it comes to relationships. I am convinced I have a romance-based learning disorder and always will. I hope that isn't true for you.

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

I fled my family at 16 to be an abusive teenage marriage. What I learned from my parents' marriage was, Stay no matter how bad it is—ironically I ran like the wind from my childhood, and still struggle with the flight impulse, which was my first way of protecting myself. And like you, I didn't date butch women at first... but I have to say just because they're butch, for me, doesn't mean the sexual match is ideal. I know you weren't saying that either.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Damn, I had no idea, though I really don't know you after reading only a couple dozen posts. Wow. My dad just had a stroke and I'm seeing the same scary release of id that you're talking about. (He gets mad in the car, slams on the brakes, it fishtails, I freeze as I did when I was a kid, and realize I've got the father of childhood back...) Others with family members who've had brain damage and strokes have shared with me that it's not an unusual behavior, that loss of impulse control. But it sucks.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.

I really hope that is true. I don't believe there is someone for everyone and I don't think it's always our fault if we end up alone and I don't believe "it'll happen when you're ready"—I think dumb luck and the random nature of the universe has a role in things too. But whatever it is, I hope you find someone truly awesome and deserving of you.

I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Keep the metaphors coming. They buoy those unconscious things up to the surface, and help us process, IMO.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

Insomnia is cruel and unfair. Trite as it sounds, I find things really do seem better in the morning light. I hope that's true for you too sometimes.

[*Anya*]

Wow! I did not scroll back to see when I posted that Island Scout but believe it was around the beginning of October 2011.

Shortly after that post, I did meet a truly wonderful butch and fell in love!

Of course, love is not a cure-all for all of the stressors that life throws at us and I have had more than my share this past month but it does help cushion your soul if it is a healthy love.

We can never undo our childhood but I think I have learned enough about myself now to know when those old wounds are "acting up" and interfering with my present.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Wow! I did not scroll back to see when I posted that Island Scout but believe it was around the beginning of October 2011.

Shortly after that post, I did meet a truly wonderful butch and fell in love!

Of course, love is not a cure-all for all of the stressors that life throws at us and I have had more than my share this past month but it does help cushion your soul if it is a healthy love.

We can never undo our childhood but I think I have learned enough about myself now to know when those old wounds are "acting up" and interfering with my present.

Wonderful news!!! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.