Ireparably Broken?

[Nat]

I went through a numb period that lasted 11 years. When I was 10-11, I was sexually violated by an adult I loved and trusted and believed in. It was too much to process and I just put it away in the corner of my mind/heart and tried to act normal. At 14-15, i had a boyfriend who was regularly physically and mentally abused by his scary drunk dad. I wanted to save him, but could not. He was a good kid. But at some point he took a bad turn. We broke up, and a few months later he stabbed somebody almost to death. He was tried as an adult and sentenced to 20 years. It was some time around then that I went numb. I couldn't process everything there was to process. I would sit down to write, and the stuff I would write was sad and morbid and angry, but I was so disconnected from it. I didn't know what it meant, I didn't feel it. It would just bleed onto the page. And I struggled to know myself, to be myself, to be authentic while at the same time playing the role expected of me by my family. I didn't have any faith left in my own goodness or anybody else's. I was incapable of love. Or distanced from love. I'm sure I've said thousands of "I love you's" that sounded like lies to my own ears. I said "I love you" and it as like another person in the room had spoken it. I was very distant from myself and my feelings. It was 6 years ago, the numbness broke. I left my ex-husband. I came out. My life had feeling in it again. Plenty of heartbreak. I'm not numb anymore, though I struggle a great deal with mood - depression, anxiety, anger, distrust. My last relationship was volatile, and I've found that since it ended, I have become more like the person I was with. It's like I downloaded a portion of him into who I am. And really maybe on some level that's true whenever you know a person at close-range. And part of that download was awesome and part of that download was destructive. I do have symptoms of PTSD, though not nearly as severe as I've seen. I have anxiety now - which I didn't have before at this level. But I'm not numb. And I can love. It was wonderful to realize the ability to love had returned to me after such a long time. I don't know if I could have sped up the process, but if I could go back and give myself some advice, I would say (I think),

"Do not ever think you are irreparably damaged. That thought can only harm you."

and

"When you do loving things for yourself, you will increase your ability to love and to feel loved. Even if you feel numb, going through the motions of caring for yourself can help a lot. Be your own sanctuary and be your own light, and do your best to be honest to yourself and to others, even if it's hard to break the mask you've learned to wear so well."

and

"The things that happened were beyond your control, but the wounds you carry are your responsibility now. The past is not negotiable, but the actions you take today can make a profound impact on your tomorrow."

But if I'd heard all that, I'd think it was trite and keep following my long hard path. On this long road, I have figured out that I can terrify myself with morbid and fatalistic thoughts. I can drown in feelings of despair, of brokenness. I used to think it was dumb when people would talk about keeping an eye on your thoughts, of choosing not to think about some things, but since anxiety has crept up on me I have found this to be a necessary survival skill. If I find myself reliving past trauma, I stop myself. Most of the time, it's the "what if I'd done this or that" that leads me back there. I know what happened in my past, but I only recently decided I WILL NOT keep reliving it because it retraumatizes me and deepens the grooves. I am responsible for me and to me, and I would rather put my focus on being the kind of person I want to be than thinking about the person I would have been if my life had left me without scars.

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded. I have no idea why I'm up so late. I just wanted to say I know numbness. I don't know if I could have left numbness behind earlier than I did, but looking back I can see the ways I courted my numbness by reliving trauma, by isolating myself, by um internetting too much, by eating too much, by drinking (and other substances) too much, by not investing in supportive, encouraging friendships, by allowing myself to identify heavily as a victim rather than a responsible adult in charge of my emotional and mental health, and by not allowing myself hope or trust that the numbness didn't have to be a fact of life forever.

I hope this makes sense. It's way past my bedtime. Happy healing.