Jokes and things that made you laugh.

tiggs · 10-18-2011, 09:59 PM

A friend sent me this via e-mail today:

"Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding"
― Betty White

Janstevie · 10-20-2011, 06:35 AM

From a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

From a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

tiggs · 10-20-2011, 02:36 PM

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

CockyDude · 10-20-2011, 03:12 PM

What food makes women lose their desire for sex?
Wedding cake.

CockyDude · 10-20-2011, 03:14 PM

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think honey, we've been married 50 years." "Yes", he replies, "50 years ago we were sitting at this table having breakfast and we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well", she snickers, "should we get naked for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know", the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised", replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

Janstevie · 10-23-2011, 06:33 AM

I got a new stick deodorant today, the instructions said, remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk, but whenever i fart the room smells lovely.

CockyDude · 10-24-2011, 04:40 PM

So Tommy & Johnny are in class & the teacher tells them they will be talking about "privates" tomorrow. The girls are to ask their mothers about vaginas & the boys are to talk to their dads about penis'.
Walking home that day Tommy asks Johnny if he knows what a penis is. "No" Johnny says, "But I'll ask my father tonight.". After dinner that evening Johnny asks his dad; "Dad do you know what a penis is?" "Yes son" said the dad. "Come into the bathroom with me." The dad pulls down his pants and says "Thisis iYes I could. ;-)s a penis Johnny, and a perfect penis I might add." The next morning Johnny & Tommy are walking to school. Tommy asks Johnny "Did you find out what a penis is?" Johnny replies "Yes I did. Here, let's go behind these bushes." Johnny then drops his pants, points and says "This is a penis and if it was just 2 inches shorter it'd be perfect."

10-18-2011, 09:59 PM	#1
tiggs Member How Do You Identify?: femme submissive Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: married and collared to Converse Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: canada Posts: 359 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,456 Thanked 726 Times in 248 Posts Rep Power: 2288329	A friend sent me this via e-mail today: "Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding" ― Betty White __________________ “The world is not a dangerous place because of those who do evil, but because of those that look on and do nothing" - Albert Einstein

10-20-2011, 02:36 PM	#3
tiggs Member How Do You Identify?: femme submissive Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: married and collared to Converse Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: canada Posts: 359 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,456 Thanked 726 Times in 248 Posts Rep Power: 2288329	This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. __________________ “The world is not a dangerous place because of those who do evil, but because of those that look on and do nothing" - Albert Einstein

10-24-2011, 04:40 PM	#7
CockyDude Timed Out How Do You Identify?: FTM-man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: What is today? Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Midwest Posts: 239 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 151 Thanked 420 Times in 141 Posts Rep Power: 0	Sex education So Tommy & Johnny are in class & the teacher tells them they will be talking about "privates" tomorrow. The girls are to ask their mothers about vaginas & the boys are to talk to their dads about penis'. Walking home that day Tommy asks Johnny if he knows what a penis is. "No" Johnny says, "But I'll ask my father tonight.". After dinner that evening Johnny asks his dad; "Dad do you know what a penis is?" "Yes son" said the dad. "Come into the bathroom with me." The dad pulls down his pants and says "Thisis iYes I could. ;-)s a penis Johnny, and a perfect penis I might add." The next morning Johnny & Tommy are walking to school. Tommy asks Johnny "Did you find out what a penis is?" Johnny replies "Yes I did. Here, let's go behind these bushes." Johnny then drops his pants, points and says "This is a penis and if it was just 2 inches shorter it'd be perfect."

10-20-2011, 06:35 AM	#2
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	From a Dog's Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! From a Cat's Diary Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

10-20-2011, 03:12 PM	#4
CockyDude Timed Out How Do You Identify?: FTM-man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: What is today? Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Midwest Posts: 239 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 151 Thanked 420 Times in 141 Posts Rep Power: 0	What food makes women lose their desire for sex? Wedding cake.

10-20-2011, 03:14 PM	#5
CockyDude Timed Out How Do You Identify?: FTM-man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: What is today? Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Midwest Posts: 239 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 151 Thanked 420 Times in 141 Posts Rep Power: 0	An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think honey, we've been married 50 years." "Yes", he replies, "50 years ago we were sitting at this table having breakfast and we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well", she snickers, "should we get naked for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know", the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised", replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

10-23-2011, 06:33 AM	#6
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I got a new stick deodorant today, the instructions said, remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk, but whenever i fart the room smells lovely.