Tips for Transitioning from an LDR to Living Together

[Jett]

My lady and I met in a internet B/F chat room and carried on a LDR before finally jumping in my truck and driving across like 10 states to escort her to my home... that was well over 13 years ago =)

I've thought about your questions and really just think always remembering (especially at first) even in minor spats if any, that she is far away from home and that is hard... and encourage visits for her home and of course just be and good to each other.

Good luck Natalie...

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by diamondrose

i realize the the topic is LDR to Living together but...

One suggestion I could offer going from a LDR to being local is getting your own place to start off. It is easy to get lost in the joy of seeing each other between visits and it can actually end up being totally different once you are in your every day with that person. That way if it doesn't work out, you are established in your own place.

disclaimer- i was burned very badly by having an LDR move in with me- like call the cops/go to the hospital bad

I know it seems like a buzzkill but i, too, think living seperately-but-in-the-same-city for 6 months is the best thing to do.

And also- never move anywhere for love that you wouldn't move without it, or take a job that you wouldn't take otherwise. Part of you will hold your partner responsible for everything about your new situation

when someone leaves home, family, friends, and career for a relationship, this creates a situation where the relationship becomes "too big too fail" (lol) in that it just HAS to work because if it doesn't you have sacrificed all of that for nothing

this can cause you to ignore red flags or excuse bad behavior when you really shouldn't

i feel like an LDR is (in some respects) like a veeeeerrrry long first date- your second date doesn't even start until after the move

and making sacrifices as big as those mentioned (home, family, friends, and career) BEFORE the second date creates pressures that may be difficult to withstand

[ruffryder]

Great thread Nat! I think to prepare and ease the transition needs support and an understanding of needs from both parties. Unfortunately, for me, I never got that far. Twice in previous relationships we had planned for a move and at the time of move it didn't happen. I won't get into the specifics but I think you have to be sure it is what you want. If you have any doubt about something or the person don't do it! I am guessing you all are sure from what I can tell from your post. People are saying perhaps get your own place first. That is an option and a good idea if you have the income for that. However, if you are comfortable with the person then by all means move in with them right away afterall you have "been together" even if it is LDR. I would say go for it if it's in your heart and you are sure and everything will work out as it should. Have faith and make sure you both are supportive of each other's needs. If you are not set on the way your bedroom or other areas of your house are, maybe go shopping together and set up the place how you both feel would be comfortable and make it your home together.

Other suggestions I would make is talk about pets, kids, finances and come to an agreement beforehand. These are some areas couples find the most difficult to agree on. If you believe a certain way, don't let the other person take that away from you. Stand your ground, meet in the middle. You don't want to enter into a relationship of living together if you have to change everything about what you believe or want for your life.

Above all, be there for each other, listen, undertand, be supportive. Good luck!

[betenoire]

So while Nick has not yet officially moved to be with me, I guess I do have some opinions on the thing that I have not yet done.

Background. I moved from Toronto (happiest place on earth) to Sarnia (shitty town with less than 80,000 people in it) a few years ago now in preparation for us living together. We picked Sarnia because it's equal distance from both of our families, and because it's a border town which means that if Nick can't find work in Canada when he first moves here he can work in the US and drive over the bridge every day. Nick still hasn't moved here because I'm not okay with him doing so until he has an income here. He also still hasn't moved here because we haven't completed the immigration process for him yet - it's an expensive process to get a spouse landed and some things have come up for him that have made it impossible for him to get together his half of the fees.

So although I have done it first, ultimately we will have both moved away from everything we know. Now, I still haven't adjusted to the new town - at all. So I figure I can on some level speak to the experience of the person who moves to be with their LDR person.

It is very hard giving up everything that you know and love. I only see my family a handful of times a year (evey couple of months or so). I see the friends that I used to have less than that (I often don't even tell them that I'm in town when I go back to Toronto to see my parents - because my visits home are usually only 3-ish days and there just isn't time to see friends, especially with my family being so jealous of my time while I am visiting them.) The fault is all on me, since I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people, but it did eventually become a situation where Nick was my only friend - since I have ultimately lost touch (aside from a few "howyoudoin?s" over facebook) with everybody back home. That's a really unhealthy and dangerous place to be, having the person you are with being your ONLY anchor. But it's something that has a lot of potential to happen when you drop everything and move somewhere that the only person you know is your LDR.

[theoddz]

Like Linus and Bete, I too have done the international LDR thing and had it succeed....and then, unlike them, had it very painfully flop. My ex was Canadian and from Ontario. We met back in 1994 on (then) CompuServe and talked, visited, etc., for 2 very long years. She made the decision to be the one to move because I had a plethora of reasons I had to stay in the U.S., at the time, mostly health care related. She was living in Ottawa at the time and was working for an IT company that was on the verge of closing. In addition to coming down here to live with me, she saw the added opportunity of finding a better career situation here in the States. She was, initially, going to transfer down here to Richmond, VA, to a branch of her Canadian-based company, but the fellow who promised to facilitate her transfer was suddenly fired, so that fell through. She decided to come down anyway, and then figure out the employment situation afterwards. I remember being very cautious about this and telling her that, although I dearly wanted her with me more than anything else, that she had to be *sure* that she was doing the right thing in both her heart and mind, because there was a certain degree of personal happiness that she had to take responsibility for herself. I, and the love and respect we shared, would not, in itself, be enough to give her complete happiness. She had to make herself happy with herself, first and foremost. Of course, she agreed that she understood this and was not making any rash decisions. So, I got a job in Richmond, and an apartment and she quickly followed and we set up housekeeping together in a beautiful apartment in West Richmond.

During the six years that followed, she never found employment in the various places we lived (Jacksonville, FL, San Diego, CA, Sacramento, CA and finally here, in Las Vegas, NV) and her efforts to do so were often half-hearted and (I felt) insincere. I could never figure out why she never seemed interested, because she had 2 Bachelor's degrees in both Psychology and Business Administration. She was smart as a whip, pretty as all getout and had a quiet, easygoing, very kind and gentle personality. She hardly ever became upset about anything, except when the topic of her getting a job was concerned. Thinking about it now, there were financial stresses but not really severe ones because I was fortunate enough to support us both on what I make. Still, the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't seek employment bothered me, and I think her too, because someone with J's intellect just couldn't/wouldn't be happy just sitting around the house every day, doing nothing but keeping house, cooking, cleaning. I could tell it was wearing on her and just killing her spirit, but every time we'd try to talk about it, she became very defensive and ultimately shut down. It was the only problem we ever had with communication. Otherwise, we were absolute soulmates. She was my very best friend and I loved her tremendously. I still do, in many ways. She will always have my undying respect and affection, to this date and forever.

I'm not sure what exactly happened, but right after 9/11, in 2001, J became very isolated and, I thought, miserable. The United Sates was reeling after being attacked by terrorists, and the evening news became a nightly tirade against undocumented "alien" residents and an ardent effort to ferret these people out and deport them to their home countries. J and I were genuinely afraid of her status as one of those "undocumented aliens". Her parents called her on the phone just about every day, and sometimes numerous times a day, and J would always take the calls in the other room. I had the distinct impression that they were, perhaps, trying to persuade J to return home, for fear she might get caught up in the anti-immigrant/"alien" fervor and suffer the humiliation of deportation. I'm sure they (rightfully) feared for her, though she had never done anything illegal. She'd never worked or taken anything from the American social system. She was just here. As for me, well, it really just chapped my ass that I had served honorably, in the U.S. Marine Corps to protect the "American way of life" and rights of other people that were being denied to me. I came to deeply resent the fact (in my mind/immagination) that some young sailor, away from home for the first time, could be sitting in a foreign bar room, drunk, and be able to marry the first piece of ass he ever had....and then be able to bring the new wife into this country legally, the very next day!!! Here I was, though, with the love of my life, my soulmate, my J, who I was absolutely devoted to, yet we were fearing that she'd be deported because I couldn't bring her legally into this country. It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off, just thinking about it.

So, all that being said, our relationship sunk into a mundane existence and just finally seemed to stall out. I think I knew what was wrong (her unhappiness with the situation and my inability to make it any better), but I just couldn't solve it for her myself. It was really sad, because we did love each other very, very much. It's just that, sometimes, all the love in the world just isn't enough.

The last day I ever saw J was the morning of February 25, 2002, as I left for work. I remember walking out the door and looking back at her as she bent down to pick up the daily newspaper, which was lying on the front step. She looked up at me and simply said, "I love you." I told her "I love you, too.", back. When I got home that night, she was gone. There was a note on the kitchen counter, telling me goodbye and to please let her go and move on.

Well, I guess there was nothing for it but to do exactly has she had requested. We talked on the phone, briefly, a couple of times about some "loose ends" that needed to be tied up after that, but I never pressured her to reconsider. She's a smart woman, that J. I loved her enough to let her go, and to give her the space and respect she needed to get on with her life, too. We don't talk now. I have no idea where she is or what she is doing. I do hope that she has found her space and her happiness...and what she is looking for. I will always carry her in my heart and I still, sometimes, think of her and wish that I could just talk to her one more time. Of it all, I miss my best friend the most.

So yes, I've done the LDR. I have taken from my experience the valuable lesson that you cannot "fix" other people or make someone else happy in every way. There is a very large element of personal responsibility connected with happiness that each partner is solely responsible for themselves. You can have all the love, respect, etc., in the world for each other, but there's also a large element of other factors that we all need to take responsibility for, ourselves.

As for my part, well, I have resolved to not ever take the full responsibility of trying to "fix" someone, or their life, because I cannot do that, any more than I can hang the moon, by myself. There's a saying about this sort of thing that goes, "No matter where you go, there you are.". We all have to be vested in our own selves and lives, and that means our careers/jobs as well as our hearts. I have personally experienced what it is to miserably fail at trying to do otherwise, and let my heart rule above my head, while also ignoring my gut. I know now that just loving someone is not always enough. They also have to love and respect themselves, too. If you are fortunate enough to have all of these considerations working in both of your favors, before you take that big step of joining your lives and asking one partner to up and leave an established life in one locale for another, then I would say that you've got a pretty good shot at making something really great work. If not, well, the results may not, ultimately, be so favorable.

My .02

~Theo~

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I went from an International LDR to living together (Italy to the US) – the biggest problem was the possessiveness of my partner. A few months after moving in with her, I lost my friends and my family weren’t welcome to visit because she felt I’d leave her for some one else (my naturally friendly and bubbly personality makes it easy for me to meet people, but, it can be taken as me flirting – which I don’t do, as I haven’t a clue how! LOL!). The fact that I travelled with my job didn’t help! I was isolated – I couldn’t even join a hand embroidery group or volunteer for a charity……which I do when my SB means I cannot work for a while, then I hand embroider blankets for the local Neo-natal unit or hospices, etc. I like to be part of the community and help where I can - I help with the local wildlife conservation. I take in neglected and unwanted cats that need a loving home, be it for their last few hours, days, weeks, months or years, or until they find a more suitable forever home.

I’ve had another LDR, but, I felt that the distance across the pond was too great and too expensive to really build anything serious, that would lead to a permanent life together.

The logistics for me to move outside of Europe are a nightmare, as I have to find a Neurologist and Spinal Orthopaedic Surgeon for my SB, then, there are my cats, my furniture, etc. It would be different if I met another Kiwi or an Aussie, as I’d be home or at least just across the Tasman, lol!

I have family here in the UK that I’m close too and there are numerous cheap-ish flights across Europe to and from the UK for my family to visit me and vice versa, so, I’m being realistic and practical in my limitations for LDRs going into a living together permanently situation.

[girl_dee]

Also be aware of laws regarding moving someone in.

I once had an apartment, I let someone I was talking to long distance stay with me for what was to be a couple of months until she could get her own apartment and I was more than happy to help her get a job and a place. She wanted a better life and more opportunities for work. The only problem was she sat on her butt and had no intention of moving once she set up house in my living room. She became paranoid and was convinced everyone was out to *get * her including me. Every spam email or pop up she got confirmed for her that we were all out to *get her* She then informed me, by yelling thru my bedroom door which I stayed locked behind for days at a time, that since I invited her, that she did not have to leave. I had someone who helped me get my nerve up to confront her and I woke her up one day and told her to get OUT. She said no, I called the cops, they then informed me that she did not have to go, and that I would have to process her eviction through the court system! That if I allowed her to stay for more than 24 hours it was also her place of residence I was at my wits end.

She saw me downstairs talking to the police and then saw the cops leave. I came upstairs and told her the cops were coming back in 20 minutes to evict her,(I don't believe in lying but I felt I had no choice) and that if she did not go peacefully they would arrest her. She believed me, thank GOD, she threw stuff at me while she packed her few things, including my gate key which landed on my face. She went out to her car to throw some of her clothes in, so I hurried and tossed the rest of her stuff outside of my door and slammed it shut just as she was coming up the last step, she banged and banged but I wouldn't open it. She finally left but not until she sat screaming to my entire apartment complex obscenities about me and my apartment number. I was so scared that she was going to *get me* that I stopped going places except to work and then became a hermit and to this day I have issues with going places. I go, but I still feel I am on alert.

So yah, be careful before you invite someone into your home, you may not be able to get them out easily.

[Lynn]

We had a LDR for a year before she moved to this area. She didn't move in, as I felt that would be moving too quickly. We continued our relationship for another year before we took that step. Now, four years hence, we have just gotten married.

What made it easier--she got a job and secured an apartment before she moved, and we didn't make a commitment to living together until we had a decent idea that we might have a future together. With my daughters involved, I was extremely cautious about protecting them from a revolving door of bad relationships.

I think we've been able to reach this point, feeling so good, because we didn't just go with the flow, and do what was expected at each point. We really looked at our options and choices and made sure it felt right at each step.