PTSD and Trauma recovery

[SoNotHer]

I appreciate someone giving voice to this, Nat. Time and sleep help heal. I hope you get a good sleep tonight.

Originally Posted by Nat

Got triggered tonight for the first time in a long while. Not terribly triggered but still. triggered. And the weird thing about being triggered for me is that I *cannot* communicate effectively when it happens. I just get rigid. frozen. cold. distant. hostile. And just like it's way easier to spend money than it is to earn it, it's way easier to get triggered than it is to get untriggered. There's really no explaining what's going on. I know well enough that time will help. Pretty much nothing but time helps. And I feel split. Part of me in this dark, silent, awful void - and then this other part just floating above it observing it all go down and waiting for my heart and mind to be a safe place to be again. I know it's a matter of time.

Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime. So time for meditation and hopefully eventually sleep. And tomorrow I hope to feel like me again.

[greeneyedgrrl]

i wish i'd known about this thread sooner! i've been really struggling with my ptsd lately and have had several severe panic attacks for the first time in years.. it's comforting to know i'm in good company.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Nat

Got triggered tonight for the first time in a long while. Not terribly triggered but still. triggered. And the weird thing about being triggered for me is that I *cannot* communicate effectively when it happens. I just get rigid. frozen. cold. distant. hostile. And just like it's way easier to spend money than it is to earn it, it's way easier to get triggered than it is to get untriggered. There's really no explaining what's going on. I know well enough that time will help. Pretty much nothing but time helps. And I feel split. Part of me in this dark, silent, awful void - and then this other part just floating above it observing it all go down and waiting for my heart and mind to be a safe place to be again. I know it's a matter of time.

Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime. So time for meditation and hopefully eventually sleep. And tomorrow I hope to feel like me again.

(((Nat))) I wish I could just sit next to you quietly like you did for me at Reunion. I get the same way.

Originally Posted by greeneyedgrrl

i wish i'd known about this thread sooner! i've been really struggling with my ptsd lately and have had several severe panic attacks for the first time in years.. it's comforting to know i'm in good company.

I still have good days and bad...more good right now, but I totally understand.

I hope you can find some answers or just come in here and vent. I did not know how to subscribe till recently (hangs head in shame) but do now and will be in more often to discuss or just listen.

We all have days when we just need to be listened to.

Glad we are still here to live another day....even when that seems like the hardest thing to do.

[Nat]

It was an important discussion I had with my mom last night. I think it was anyway. Talking about the underbelly of our family. The secrets in the complicated family dynamic as those who have wounded most have become increasingly frail and in need of care. Looking at the most horrible behaviors and how they affected us all either directly or indirectly or both. It was a good conversation - the two of us satellites of an elderly predator and another who was first prey and then preyed on us in different ways. It's like trying to put mismatched puzzle-pieces together. There are no answers I can see.

The hardest thing is that these were the men I've loved the most, depended on the most. And now they both are facing mortality indifferent ways. I love them both and so does she. Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

[SoNotHer]

Beautifully said. Some times, Nat, the only thing it seems we can do is love our best in a state of dark silence and to know that the things unsaid, or perhaps the unsaying of them, is the most we can muster - especially when our hearts are like a palimpsest that testifies to a many-layered pain.

Here's to the well-deserved peace that awaits us.

Originally Posted by Nat

... Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Nat

It was an important discussion I had with my mom last night. I think it was anyway. Talking about the underbelly of our family. The secrets in the complicated family dynamic as those who have wounded most have become increasingly frail and in need of care. Looking at the most horrible behaviors and how they affected us all either directly or indirectly or both. It was a good conversation - the two of us satellites of an elderly predator and another who was first prey and then preyed on us in different ways. It's like trying to put mismatched puzzle-pieces together. There are no answers I can see.

The hardest thing is that these were the men I've loved the most, depended on the most. And now they both are facing mortality indifferent ways. I love them both and so does she. Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

Beautifully said. Some times, Nat, the only thing it seems we can do is love our best in a state of dark silence and to know that the things unsaid, or perhaps the unsaying of them, is the most we can muster - especially when our hearts are like a palimpsest that testifies to a many-layered pain.

Here's to the well-deserved peace that awaits us.

I so get that. The person in my family died 2 years ago and I still struggle to believe he is gone sometimes.

Anything to do with him is very triggery for me.

In trying to find forgiveness I am coming to the realization that the less I delve deeply, the less I flip out. That forgiveness is giving up the hope that my past will change and that really what matters is being present and in the current moment.

That really does not help navigating how to deal with the abusers now I know, but something you all said really resonates...the digging too deep so many times makes it hurt even more.

I always thought that digging really deeply would heal me, but it hasn't.

[Lazy Daze]

What a great thread, and I don't know how I didn't see it until now

I have PTSD from a single event. I was severely beaten by a person I was in a relationship with and literally left for dead. I am coming up on my 12th year anniversary of surviving this event on Thanksgiving, and there is not a year that doesn't go by that I don't find myself in a"slump" during this holiday. I too have triggers, and with a lot of support and resources, I am able to identify Most of mine. As most of you feel, I am ashamed and feel an overly amount of guilt about what happened. No matter how much I "prepare" myself for the upcoming holiday and remind myself that it is the past, I still feel hopeless and helpless when the time arrives. As apocalipstic has endured, I too, will be broke out in hives before all is said and done.

I have become stronger with time. Having given myself a confidence booster with my profession, teaching myself that I truly am a strong woman. But one thing is for sure, it never will go away. I am blessed with an amazing partner who understands what I have been through and has given me the unconditional love and support to help me get stronger each and every day.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Lazy Daze

What a great thread, and I don't know how I didn't see it until now

I have PTSD from a single event. I was severely beaten by a person I was in a relationship with and literally left for dead. I am coming up on my 12th year anniversary of surviving this event on Thanksgiving, and there is not a year that doesn't go by that I don't find myself in a"slump" during this holiday. I too have triggers, and with a lot of support and resources, I am able to identify Most of mine. As most of you feel, I am ashamed and feel an overly amount of guilt about what happened. No matter how much I "prepare" myself for the upcoming holiday and remind myself that it is the past, I still feel hopeless and helpless when the time arrives. As apocalipstic has endured, I too, will be broke out in hives before all is said and done.

I have become stronger with time. Having given myself a confidence booster with my profession, teaching myself that I truly am a strong woman. But one thing is for sure, it never will go away. I am blessed with an amazing partner who understands what I have been through and has given me the unconditional love and support to help me get stronger each and every day.

Holidays are so hard. I will be thinking about you!

The hives are the worst, especially when they wont go away for days. Miserable and frightening!

I hope I never have them again. I hope nothing ever triggers me to that extent again, or you either!