Letting Go Of Friendships

[Ebon]

I always have to let go of energy vampires. I am not very graceful about it though. I usually just stop talking to them.

I have an ex friend that is using the system to get disability and charging people to live at her house. She goes from one person to the next and someone is "always screwing her over". She is nice but every story that she tells about her interaction with someone that she has helped ends with "they had tears in their eyes".

I keep my distance from my family because they are always asking me for money. I mean it's even at the point where my sister makes up stories about why she needs the money. This is the only time I hear from her. We never have a conversation unless she needs money. She won't help herself so I won't help her.

I had a good friend that was doing heavy drugs and it was affecting is life and job. He would be fine for awhile then would start back up again. One night we went out and he invited some guy over to do drugs with him. His choice I don't care. Then he started asking me to go to the ATM to get him money so that he could by more of his drugs. That's when I left and never spoke to him again.

I had a friend that always had a problem with something and was very opportunistic. For example he's in the drive thru at Taco Bell and they don't give him enough napkins then he wants his food for free. Or if he didn't like the guys tone that took his order he wants his food for free. I had to let him go.

I'm sure there have been times when people have dumped me. I know at one point I was at a stage where all I did was talk about this girl that I liked very much and it had to be annoying. I also used to need validation all the time when I was younger now it annoys me if someone does it. lol I grew up and see the world and people a bit more clearly so now I don't put up with as much crap as I used to.

Also anyone overly religious that thinks that they need to "save me" have no place in my world.

[Arwen]

Thanks to everyone who has shared here. I'm at work so can't post long response. Just kudos, y'all.

[Apocalipstic]

I have been known to hold really big grudges, I am learning to let it go.

On the other hand, I have let friends go because they seemed toxic and years later we meet back up and it is like nothing ever happened...we grew back into each other.

I have been toxic at soem points and when I know I am way toxic, I try to stay away from people as much as possible.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by Ebon

I had a friend that always had a problem with something and was very opportunistic. For example he's in the drive thru at Taco Bell and they don't give him enough napkins then he wants his food for free. Or if he didn't like the guys tone that took his order he wants his food for free. I had to let him go.

Oh god, I hate that! It's SO embarrassing for the people that are with them, and they don't even realise it.

[Apocalipstic]

One thing that is really hard for me is walking away when a friend's drug or alcohol intake is making them not them, and knowing that in walking away I may never see them again.

[PinkieLee]

Most of my adult life, I've lived by the saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each person and/or relationship is meant to teach a lesson, for one if not both of us.

With me, there is no harsh exit. I bless them with love, wish them well, and simply walk away.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Most of my adult life, I've lived by the saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each person and/or relationship is meant to teach a lesson, for one if not both of us.

With me, there is no harsh exit. I bless them with love, wish them well, and simply walk away.

and often, years later we meet back up and its like they were always there.

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

and often, years later we meet back up and its like they were always there.

I totally agree! Sometimes people need a lil' breathing room to live & grow.

[Julie]

I am pretty much the person who takes a lot from a friend, before I walk. Like Daywalker - When I walk... There are no words - I just go. No explanations. BUT, it takes so much for me to get there.

One time in my life, I walked away from a friend and it broke my heart.
1995 (or so) and he was just diagnosed with aids. He had always had unprotected sex and we talked about this - but once the diagnosis came, he went on a rampage of unprotected sex - not caring about who he infected. "I got infected, they didn't care about me!" I tried to convince him to get help. I flew out there (DC) to be with him and try and help him through this. He told me to drop dead and fuck off.

Finally I said... "I am calling your doctor and therapist, and I am telling them what you are doing. I hope they report you to the authorities. You are killing people and doing it knowingly." I left and walked out that door, only learn a few years later he died. He also did not stop doing what he was doing. He just became more careful about it (or so this is what mutual friends heard).

I cannot stand by and watch those that I love destroy their lives or others. That is the point of no return for me.

I miss John and our friendship. We worked on the Names Project in DC together in 1993. That's the irony - He devoted so much of his life to helping others with HIV/AIDS... But that was before he was diagnosed.

Just sad.

[Hack]

Interesting topic. I was just discussing friendships with someone last night.

I keep a very tight, small circle of close friends. All of whom I have known for more than 10 years. I know a lot of people because of the business I have been in for 20+ years now, but there are only a handful of people in my life who I know undoubtedly I can count on, who can count on me and who get me.

I like to think I do what is called preventative friendship. I am quite choosy 99 percent of the time with whom I spend my time with. I really don't befriend people who I think I are going to be drama-queens, emotional messes or who are just simply going to exhaust me. As I age, I notice more and more I am very stingy with my time. I really like to focus it on the people who mean a great deal to me.

Maybe this makes me a prick of sorts. Frankly, I don't care. My time is valuable, and how I spend it is completely up to me. As it should be.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I have been known to hold really big grudges, I am learning to let it go.

On the other hand, I have let friends go because they seemed toxic and years later we meet back up and it is like nothing ever happened...we grew back into each other.

I have been toxic at soem points and when I know I am way toxic, I try to stay away from people as much as possible.

I love this, Apocalipstic! Well, everything but holding on to big grudges. I tend to be the opposite and forget why I was ever upset with the person in the first place. It takes quite a bit to push me completely away and to date that has really only happened once. Very recently, as a matter of fact. And this person had been in my life for nearly 13 years on a very close and intimate level. I had tried to sort through my feelings toward her for years and could never put my finger on exactly why I felt so much animosity and distrust with both her and our friendship. I remember a conversation I had prior to making the difficult decision to end our relationship premanently, where I made scare quotes when saying the word friendship, and the person I was talking to had to stop me and point out what had just happened. I had just acted out my feelings in a very poinent manner and the truth was quite telling.

I have also been toxic to people at different times in my own life. And like Apocolipstic said, those have been times when I know I need my own space and time to sort through whatever is going on for me so I don't continue in a destructive manner. It's SO hard to recognize unhealthy behavior and for so many years I distanced myself from friendships all together because of how exhausting they could be.

As for forgiveness, I believe that I have a great capacity to forgive people who have hurt me. I don't want to go to my grave with any anger or resentment in my heart. The bottom line for me is that we are all so incredibly different and I know that my openness and loving nature leaves me a bit more vulnerable to emotional predators, but I get better and stronger every day and am learning not to take on everyone else's shit as my own personal cross to bare. And it feels good.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by CatalinaRose

I love this, Apocalipstic! Well, everything but holding on to big grudges. I tend to be the opposite and forget why I was ever upset with the person in the first place. It takes quite a bit to push me completely away and to date that has really only happened once. Very recently, as a matter of fact. And this person had been in my life for nearly 13 years on a very close and intimate level. I had tried to sort through my feelings toward her for years and could never put my finger on exactly why I felt so much animosity and distrust with both her and our friendship. I remember a conversation I had prior to making the difficult decision to end our relationship premanently, where I made scare quotes when saying the word friendship, and the person I was talking to had to stop me and point out what had just happened. I had just acted out my feelings in a very poinent manner and the truth was quite telling.

I have also been toxic to people at different times in my own life. And like Apocolipstic said, those have been times when I know I need my own space and time to sort through whatever is going on for me so I don't continue in a destructive manner. It's SO hard to recognize unhealthy behavior and for so many years I distanced myself from friendships all together because of how exhausting they could be.

As for forgiveness, I believe that I have a great capacity to forgive people who have hurt me. I don't want to go to my grave with any anger or resentment in my heart. The bottom line for me is that we are all so incredibly different and I know that my openness and loving nature leaves me a bit more vulnerable to emotional predators, but I get better and stronger every day and am learning not to take on everyone else's shit as my own personal cross to bare. And it feels good.

I amn working on the resentment and grudges thing! I don't want that negativity in my life any more. Definitely work in progress!

[Medusa]

I'd like to use some of Teh Arwen's questions as a bouncing off point:

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge?

Most definitely. It always tended to come from being so deeply hurt and angry that I just could'nt get over it. At this point in my life, I don't like to hold grudges against people because that takes up way too much space in my heart. What I do instead is maintain my boundaries with that person in more effective ways. I think I have been guilty of holding grudges, which feel to me like maintaining anger, when what I really wanted to do was make sure tht person never had the access required to hurt me again. I try to live now remembering that what I do is about me, and that what they do is about them.


Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic?

Unfortunately, yes. Letting go of a friendship that you deeply care about is a very hard process and not something I take lightly. I often will try to endure their faults, providing they endure mine, for a long time. This can sometimes lead to resentment if I dont keep myself in check that their behavior is sometimes their coping mechanism and not necessarily because they are doing something "to" me, but rather acting out their behavior "around" me.
Toxicity in a friendship looks like this to me:
* disrespect of my partner
* disrespect of boundaries
* taking constantly without ever giving back
* betraying confidences with the intent to harm
* treating the friendship like a love relationship in which I am expected to act as surrogate wife or partner (which comes with unreal expectations)
* manipulation or hostage-holding behavior
* unhealthy competitiveness
* constant demands on time or affection without regard to what I have going on in my life.

Do those things long enough in a friendship with me and I have to wave goodbye. I like to think of it as "letting go with love".

Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

Yes. I would never want people around me to feel like they have to choose sides. I am not always great, however, at keeping my feelings inside but I do try to not be a roadblock for other people to have relationships with people I am no longer friends with. It can be super uncomfortable to do the tap dance and I have been known to remove myself from situations where I feel that the other person is going to use the time with shared friends to play out their drama with me, cause I'm not really having it.


How do you do it gracefully? How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all?

I am often ungraceful but the one thing I try to do is remember that everyone is going to have a relationship based upon what works for them. If I break up with a friend who is a manipulating victim and they are able to maintain a friendship with others who are ok with their behavior, then I leave that to them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting up with any shit so if the person I'm no longer friends with starts telling people "Did you know that Medusa is an asshole? Here's WHY!" and then proceeds to tell a lie about me or rewrite history so that they appear to be the victim of me, that person will probably be getting a phone call from me.
I probably would wait a while to make that call though because the people who are my friends and who love me aren't going to let someone else tell them what kind of experience to have of me.

The people who would listen to that kind of stuff and ingest it? Probably not my friends anyway.

I try to keep in mind that people change. I certainly was not the same person 10 years ago that I am today. We change and hopefully grow into better people.
I think if I cut someone out of my life who had been a friend and they showed up 10 years later, I would watch them for a long time before accepting them back in my space.
I would check these things:
Are they repeating the same behavior that caused me to break up the friendship with them?
Are they honest about their behavior back then?
Are they able to take responsibility for what they did and allow me to take responsibility for my stuff as well?
Are they rewriting history and having a very different recollection of what went down between us?
Are they still dwelling in negative/manipulative/dishonest space?
And on some level, have they been able to maintain any friendships in the last several years? (If they haven't, I'll wonder why)

More in a bit! Great thread!

[atomiczombie]

I have a healthy grudge against my older brother, the main abuser in my life. I say healthy because it doesn't consume me, and because he is still someone who is unrepentant and unsafe. He want's nothing to do with me now, so it really works out well since that is mutual.

As for friendships, I can't say I have had many that are with crazy toxic people. I tend to have for the most part healthy friends; it's some of the people I have been romantic with in one form or another who have been really toxic. I am much better now at spotting that early on and steering clear of them.

[Sachita]

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge?

I am the type of person that can get pissed off, say whats on my mind and be totally done with it in 30 min. I don't harbor anger well. I might allow tension with a lover to brew, simply to keep peace as I turn it over in my head a few days but eventually it comes out and I move on. I don't hold grudges. When I'm done I'm done. But it takes a lot for me to close a door.


Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic?

I love and echo what Medusa said.

I will befriend almost anyone, however I have very little time and I will will not invest or nurture a relationship that isn't reciprocal. I have plenty of online buddies I share with and that fills a certain gap, however I am at the point in my life that I will not waste time, not even a few hours, unless I feel I am investing into a long term solid friendship.

i've let a lot of people go including family.



Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

I don't tap dance. If I dislike someone they probably know it and I just ignore them. I'm always a lady, never rude but I just don't invest time or energy.


Medusa said-
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting up with any shit so if the person I'm no longer friends with starts telling people "Did you know that Medusa is an asshole? Here's WHY!" and then proceeds to tell a lie about me or rewrite history so that they appear to be the victim of me, that person will probably be getting a phone call from me.
I probably would wait a while to make that call though because the people who are my friends and who love me aren't going to let someone else tell them what kind of experience to have of me.

I could write a book of the people I've so-called victimized. When you are a strong and successful there are people who want to ride your coattails but never ever reciprocate. They make every attempt to discredit you because you refused to play their pathetic games and their passive aggressive manipulation. They are liars but they are so use to getting by in life this way they have mastered it, to a degree. YOU on the other hand refuse to defend yourself against insanity or get wrapped up in the petty gossip. This makes you the bad guy. lol- But here's an interesting observation.... have you ever noticed that the "victims" of US crazy ass abusers, never stick around? They talk a lot of shit, stir up as much trouble as they can and then exit. At least that has been my experience.

I don't really listen to gossip no matter how many sources it comes from. I find people that do this petty and weak. If you have something to say, to protect a friend then you should really know the facts before spreading the continuance of rumors.

I had an absolute crazy person weave the biggest circle of lies I had ever seen. Someone who spent a great deal of time reaching out and trashing my name. It went on for years and it was a fluke that I found out. I was speechless and couldn't understand the motive. Turn out it was a fatal attraction. Many of the sources unrelated to a degree and I know a people that have gone through the same thing. If someone comes to me with gossip I stop them. I don't really give a shit.

BTW Medusa I'd graciously own the title BITCH. lol I am a bitch but I am a loyal honest and good friend. I don't lie, I don't cheat and I don't play games.

I have a few rules I live by and it took me 52 years to develop them and a lot of hard ass lessons.

1) Other than girlfriend banter and playful gossip, if you meet someone and they constantly talk badly about people, they are an asshole and will talk bad about you.

2) Stay clear of people who have no history, no friends, no family. They they have no history and have cut everyone off there's a reason why.

3) If I catch you in a lie I probably won't believe anything you ever say again and therefore we'll never make it as friends.

4) never ever under any circumstances date or get super close with a friends EX. We're talking good close friends. Not people you know. If I causally know you and your ex is hot, I'm going to try and hook up. If you're my "friend" I don't care how fucking hot your ex is to me this is sacred ground.

5) Friends make each other a priority. I rarely ask for anything but when I do I expect my friend to drop everything if they can. I do the same for my friends. If I here a lot of excuses chances are you'll be moved to the acquaintance category.


I have friends for 25 plus years. They are like family and even though we can go months without talking there is a bond that never goes away. I am always interested in investing into these types of friendship. I don';t waste my time otherwise.