How do you communicate when you're angry?

[Gemme]

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.

The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case.

When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth.

I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast.

Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume.

I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged.

I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty.

[Dominique]

It depends on who I am trying to communicate with.

If it's my partner, and I am really angry, I usually cry and talk at the same time. A lot gets accomplished. (sarcasm)

If I am in a professional setting. I become quiet. Walk away, and compose myself, and my thoughts, so the crying while talking does not happen.

Things in between, my non verbals usually let the other person (or people) know I'm excited. My face becomes red, my eyes get big and in general I have more animation. I say what I have to say and I get over it quickly.

On the telephone, surprisingly, I maintain complete composure. I had too many years of people doing the telephone bravado stuff on me. I made many mental notes to never do that to a person. Honey gets more flies than vinegar (idiom). It's true.

[WomenMoveMe]

It has been awhile for me in that I have been single for many years and therefore have no one that is close enough to govern my mood.

However...I have never been one to get angry...but rather...I get disappointed. I do not yell. I do not throw things. I do not utter words designed to hurt as they are left there hanging in our hearts and minds. Never to be forgotten...and unable to be stricken from the record.

When at odds with my partner...she would rake me over the coals...and I would listen. When she had her say...I either apologized for my idiotic behaviors...or attempted to defend myself. Regardless the situation...it was done calmly and with mutual respect.

Should we find ourselves unable to rectify our turmoil at that moment...I would drive. I would tell her I was going for a drive and would return when my thoughts had been sorted. She knew this and would often hand me the car keys with instructions to 'go think'. This offered me time to allow issues to marinate...and she was amenable to this method. While she sometimes needed to raise her voice...she came to understand I did not and I like to think she liked that about me.

I was very lucky to have had one that so understood I was a calm..quiet...thinking sort. She knew I was not one given to overt displays of anger or disappointment and allowed me the time needed to attempt to see both sides of the issue.

I understand the differences in which people communicate. I hope one day...should I be lucky enough to love again...I will find one that affords me the 'comfortable argument' (that sounds strange doesn't it?). If not...I suppose I will just have to avoid moronic behaviors and disappointment...in both myself...and her. Should be do-able right?

[ruby_woo]

If I'm angry, I need time to walk away and sort my thoughts out. Usually the first thing I want to do is figure out whether or not what I'm angry about...is actually worth being angry about. If it is, I need to be able to think it out before speaking about it. Trying to get me to talk before I'm ready will only result in bitchy, passive aggressive comments.

Unfortunately, years of my family telling me I'm "too sensitive" has led to me thinking it's all in my head, so I don't express anger often and frequently when I do, I blow up. This method works about as well as you'd expect- not at all.

[Sassy]

Thank you all for your comments, they were well written and insightful and helpful. My SO and I have such a good thing going. But we definitely react differently with our anger. It scared the bejeezus out of me the first time I really ever saw her get good-n-mad -- I'd never been around anyone who allowed themselves to get LOUD and/or verbal when they were angry -- too many past relationships were the brooding, silent, passive aggressive types.

[NorCalStud]

Sometimes I have a problem. If it is a trigger...one of my triggers? The dam wall breaks and I react from deep pain. If it isnt an issue ..? I can handle whatever with a cool head.
I am now learning to be less punitive with my affirmations. Instead of leaving a note for myself saying. "Dont say things you will regret"

I have one that says "admit feeling vulnerable about something"

[KimbaYLRF]

I don't get angry at the other person. I turn it inward and usually hurt myself as I cry and sputter to myself calling myself all sorts of names. There are times I just don't say or do anything. I won't do the ignoring route because that is how my mom is and I know how it feels to be not spoken to or even acknowledged for a day or longer.

[Chancie]

I don't yell or throw tantrums, but I do have strong feelings and I show them directly and honestly. I have a high expectation that my partner will do her very best to stay present and engaged when we have a disagreement. I don't think it's always easy for Pete.

I am a big fan of self awareness, so if my partner needs to walk away and take some time, I think that's great. I have deep respect and love for the effort made to learn what is comfortable and relationship building.

I struggle with my own reactive behaviors, and I have worked on my knee jerk responses a lot, but there are definitely times when I don't have self awareness that I am responding to my father or sister or ex, for example, and it is my responsibility to apologize in the most genuine way I can, as soon as I can.

[Rox]

Sometimes people can say things they regret when so angry your mouth over rules your brain. But, I deal with it by just walking away and thinking before saying the wrong thing. There are ways to communicate if you think before screaming out hurtful words. Words are powerful and you can't take back what you say to love ones but can be forgiven.)

[Random]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.

The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case.

When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth.

I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast.

Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume.

I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged.

I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty.

I'm just going to quote Gemme...

It's weird how two people raised completly different can be some what the same... I was raised in a very restrained household when everything was fine and no one was angry, until they were... Then all hell broke loose...

I pretty well react exactly the same as up above... Music saves me and others around me.. Also, I communicate better via the written word... If I can have the time to write out everything then it comes out better...

I've really had to work HARD at the yelling business... It invokes some pretty nasties for my girl... So I've tried really hard to modify that particular reaction... I need room to decompress before I can talk more about the hard stuff... It's hard to get that room sometimes... My girl is a let's talk EVERYTHING out until it is all crystle clear... I'm a Let me think about why I feel the way I do and I'll get back to you after I have processed...

I'm an emotional creature... What I'm pissed off about MAY NOT be why I am angry... I need to really dig in and find the root... If I react without taking the time to really think about it, well, it's never pretty and alway messy... It takes more work to do damage control than if I just had though about why I feel the way I do and then respond/react....

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline.

When I tell people that I’m Maori/Italian/French/Norwegian – their reaction is much the same as a Deer in headlights! LOL! I then have to explain that although I do have the fiery temperament it’s not often that I get angry, yet, they still expect to see that fiery nature on a regular basis, only, what they get is a cheerful nutcase with a demented sense of humour, instead! LOL!

I really have to be pushed to the limit before my anger rears it's up!