Poly Relationships

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I'm not a jealous guy. If I had a girlfriend who wanted certain things that I don't want to provide, I would be happy for her to go out and experience those things so long as she is open and honest and SAFE. For example, I am strictly a stone Top. I don't have breasts. I would not have an issue with a girlfriend topping someone else or playing with someone's boobs, or playing with another femme. I think that honesty and being up front about it is the most important thing for me.

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

I am not saying this is your case, but SO many times people say this exact thing, until it happens.

Up front and honest are the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Each and every time someone isn't upfront about something, problems occur in our household. Then once whatever it is comes out, we all talk and get through it, the next day is better than ever.

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...

[kannon]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Not necessarily kannon, fucking CAN BE just that no feelings attached.. That's my opinion though I don't "need" or "require" heartstrings or posturing in my poly...

You have that ability. I discovered that I was willing and able to share someone I had very strong feelings for. But some can't, or they can't in certain situations, and they, like my X's boyfriend, don't realize their emotional limitations until they experience them. Then they are like, "Oh, shit." My girlfriend's, X suffered for years because he lost something he loved dearly. I feel like the whole experience traumatized him.

Of course, this isn't the case for everyone. But his case is a cautionary tale about the possible emotional repercussions.

[The_Lady_Snow]

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

[always2late]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by woodstock

Took the words right out of my mouth. When I read the OP, my first thought was that there is a serious breach of trust there. The incident spoken of went outside the framework of the established relationship. Could the breakup have been due to other factors? Yes, of course that could be the case, however, I'm sure the betrayal of trust didn't help.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe things would have worked out differently if we had talked about things before doing them. Certainly, open and honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship, not just poly.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

"After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me"

----------------------

See for "me" once this scenario happened it would turn into cheating because it wasn't open, honest and all parties were not in the knowing. I'd been like um this needs to stop so we, us can talk or them bounce cause honesty should always be happening in poly even "when" feelings deepen or take root it's only fair...

I thought the same thing when I read that. There can be no going behind anyone's back in any relationship, of any kind or there is going to be trouble. To me that indicated there is already a problem.

There is a difference between being discreet and staying in the boundaries of what is agreed upon and doing things behind someone's back.

[girl_dee]

In my situation, we had all been friends for a very long time and with me in service to Syr in a D/s situation.

My spirit sister took me into her home, welcomes me to share her partner and her world. She shares her home, her loves, her work, her money, her life with me, I could never in a million years do ANYthing behind her back, or anyone's.

When she and Syr are at their best, We are all at our best. It's in my best interest to live a happy drama free life.

Honesty is paramount, even if the truth hurts, it's better than the alternative.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by kannon

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

It's hard not to keep feelings out of such a close mutually enjoyable relationship for the two intimately involved, so it becomes a little complicated..some people enjoy living on that edge, some people can tolerate it as long as their personal boundaries are respected..I think it works out better if there is a close relationship (not necessarily) sexual with all parties..more of a poly fidelity arrangement than polyamorous..just saying..

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by kannon

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior.

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by Quintease

That. That is not necessarily poly IMO. It is not allowing someone the freedom to be with other people. It is a form of monogamy, only allowing one's partner to have experiences which can be chaperoned and monitored by yourself.

I understand that she wanted things that her boyfriend would not allow, so their relationship suffered. Had he allowed her to make her own decisions, find her own way, he may have kept her and the relationship intact. Instead he pulled and she resisted, until eventually the ties snapped.

You cannot help developing feelings when building a relationship with someone else. Having an open and honest polyamorous relationship means acknowledging that feelings will happen and being ready to confront it openly and honestly. Affection born of a secondary or sexual relationship may indicate that your relationship is in trouble or they may mean nothing at all, just a natural result of intimacy. Liking someone, caring for someone, missing someone, wanting to see someone, doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to run off and build a home with someone.

I think if you want to try polyamory, so as to bring excitement, new partners and new sexual experiences into the relationship, then you also have to be ready to face any resulting fears and jealousy that it will bring up.

yes excitement and new always feel great, so of course the attachment can be intoxicating..he may very well have wanted to "control" the situation, I don't personally see much wrong with that, as certain boundaries a primary is entitled to..ultimatums (however) are usually toxic to any relationship even if she had stayed..but she chose to leave and hopefully is happier..but I don't think the primary did anything wrong, his boundaries were crossed and he felt disrespected..and took an extreme measure, maybe hastily, but understandable.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by kannon

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

One thing I've learned about poly relationships is that one person can't make the rules for the entire group unless everyone is TRULY and HONESTLY okay with that dynamic and the rules that are put in place. Once those rules stop being okay for anyone, they need to speak up immediately. In your case it sounds like the boyfriend made the rules, and you and the girlfriend were probably okay with that in the beginning because it was exciting and new and you were happy with what you were getting. But your decision to cross that boundary when he wasn't around indicates that you obviously weren't okay with that boundary.

To your other point, I'm aware of many relationships where "sex is fine as long as emotions don't develop." That's another boundary that doesn't work - people will or won't develop feelings, but that's up to each individual - it isn't up to someone else to dictate whether or not that happens. They can try, but nobody can truly control someone else's emotions.

[Ms. Meander]

(or maybe you saw it coming a mile away)

I've been talking about the fact that some challenges have been arising and I have been utilizing them as opportunities for growth. The truth is, the source all of the difficulties has been one lover in particular, and what they've really turned out to be are red flags. Ironically, she is the established, experienced polyamorist of the group. When we first starting seeing each other, I did not take her entirely seriously when she told me she was a jealous and possessive person (how could she be and successfully maintain multiple relationships?). I laughed and said, "well, being poly must give you a lot of opportunities to work on that". Turned out not to be amusing and now it is my fault for not listening. She also has a very structured and rigid approach to relationships. There are rules and you follow them. Any bad feelings that occur as a result don't matter or count as long as the rules were technically followed, and I saw this mostly in her relationship with her primary partner who was freaking out since before I entered the picture and really lost it once my lover started to display intense feelings for me. They were not ok, and it did not feel ethical for me to move full steam ahead into something that was already a wreck. And I felt tremendous compassion for the primary.

There were more issues as well, and perhaps I will come back to explore them because they are mostly the very issues that turned me off to poly in my youth. I don't think all is lost, but I think I chose the wrong person, who displayed many of the traits and isms of my former unhealthy choices. We have stopped seeing each other.

Meanwhile, I've been courted by another who, like me, was exploring relationship dynamics with intention and openness. I am certain she is the most remarkable person I have ever met - the moon and the stars live in her eyes and I have never felt so humbled and aflame to be seen and recognized by such beauty. We are ridiculously in love. Hearts and flowers, rainbows and unicorns, no holds barred. I kid you not. We are so absorbed in each other that there is no room or desire for any other lovers and we have agreed to be exclusive at least for the time being. And we are open to revisiting the possibility of nonmonogamy at some point down the line. But for now, we are content in each other's arms.

And just like that, this chapter of Ms. Meander's adventures in polyamory has come to a close.

I feel like I have learned much and I am blissfully happy. Please excuse me while I savor this delicious state.

[SleepyButch]

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

[nycfem]

At times in my life when I've been doin' the poly thang, I would go to local LGBT poly meet-ups. Now I don't know if they have those everywhere or if it's only those weird New Yawkers but it was a nice way to hang out with likeminded people with various connections, etc.

Originally Posted by SleepyButch

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by SleepyButch

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

Hi SleepyButch, hope you are sleeping well

Many times alternate life styles have their own language, definitions and boundaries within the "open" realm of variety being the spice of life.I love the Unique, mysterious, fluid dynamics of life, and those that can reach out and experience things that bring joy and happiness, even if for just a moment, a night and day, or more.

I pulled out the "what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.
and
how do you find that other person who is poly? " from your post.

Poly sometimes may be confused with multiples. I was wondering if your question is ~ will 2 poly femmes equal a more fulfilling relationship, when and if one of them is not present. Am I wingwalking, needing to hold onto one, while I have another for ~just in case?
Does your poly/femme "other/s" know about you, have they met you and have accepted you? Having your heart on your sleeve my result in a crinkled cuff. You said "give her up" , but, me thinks she has a primary, so you have no possession.

My comment for now, like nycfembbw mentioned, like anything new, searching the internet for what you are experiencing as far as acceptance, understanding, jealousy, insecurity, and the myriad of things under any "kinky" label can be heaven or hell...

And, as They say, it's only kinky the first time. Good Luck SleepyButch, jump in, the water's fine, as long as we can swim.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by Tommi

Hi SleepyButch, hope you are sleeping well



Poly sometimes may be confused with multiples. I was wondering if your question is ~ will 2 poly femmes will equal a more fulfilling relationship, when and if one of them is not present. ?
Does your poly/femme "other/s" know about you, have they met you and have accepted you? Having your heart on your sleeve my result in a crinkled cuff. You said "give her up" , but, me thinks she has a primary, so you have no possession.

My comment for now, like nycfembbw mentioned, like anything new, searching the internet for what you are experiencing as far as acceptance, understanding, jealousy, insecurity, and the myriad of things under any "kinky" label can be heaven or hell...

And, as They say, it's only kinky the first time. Good Luck SleepyButch, jump in, the water's fine, as long as we can swim.

Thanks Tommi.

Her others know about me and are supportive of her seeing me.

When I say give her up, I mean in a sense of not seeing her anymore in exchange for dating someone who is monogamous. I do not own her nor will I ever try to own her. It's not that type of relationship.

As far as having two poly femmes equalling a more fulfilling relationship, I don't think that is the case. I would take them as being totally separate relationship. It's not that I want someone to spend time with while she is busy. That would not work for anyone involved. I am a loving, nurturing person by nature and have a lot of that to give and want to give it. I can share that with her but there are limitations/boundaries in that.

I'll have to think more on how to explain that before I write something that might be taken out of context. Like I said, this is all new to me.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

(or maybe you saw it coming a mile away)

I've been talking about the fact that some challenges have been arising and I have been utilizing them as opportunities for growth. The truth is, the source all of the difficulties has been one lover in particular, and what they've really turned out to be are red flags. Ironically, she is the established, experienced polyamorist of the group. When we first starting seeing each other, I did not take her entirely seriously when she told me she was a jealous and possessive person (how could she be and successfully maintain multiple relationships?). I laughed and said, "well, being poly must give you a lot of opportunities to work on that". Turned out not to be amusing and now it is my fault for not listening. She also has a very structured and rigid approach to relationships. There are rules and you follow them. Any bad feelings that occur as a result don't matter or count as long as the rules were technically followed, and I saw this mostly in her relationship with her primary partner who was freaking out since before I entered the picture and really lost it once my lover started to display intense feelings for me. They were not ok, and it did not feel ethical for me to move full steam ahead into something that was already a wreck. And I felt tremendous compassion for the primary.

There were more issues as well, and perhaps I will come back to explore them because they are mostly the very issues that turned me off to poly in my youth. I don't think all is lost, but I think I chose the wrong person, who displayed many of the traits and isms of my former unhealthy choices. We have stopped seeing each other.

Meanwhile, I've been courted by another who, like me, was exploring relationship dynamics with intention and openness. I am certain she is the most remarkable person I have ever met - the moon and the stars live in her eyes and I have never felt so humbled and aflame to be seen and recognized by such beauty. We are ridiculously in love. Hearts and flowers, rainbows and unicorns, no holds barred. I kid you not. We are so absorbed in each other that there is no room or desire for any other lovers and we have agreed to be exclusive at least for the time being. And we are open to revisiting the possibility of nonmonogamy at some point down the line. But for now, we are content in each other's arms.

And just like that, this chapter of Ms. Meander's adventures in polyamory has come to a close.

I feel like I have learned much and I am blissfully happy. Please excuse me while I savor this delicious state.

Congrats! Isn't bliss heavenly?!