Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Hard day for me yesterday.
In the morning, i had an appointment with my Dietician. She is fantastic, and knows her stuff surrounding eating disorders.. In January, we start a 10 step program on Intuitive Eating..It will help me with recognizing hunger vs cravings, help me start on making peace with food, coping with emotions without using food, discovering "fullness" & "satisfaction factor" , along with other things.. We start this on Jan 5th when i go back to see her..

She feels there are things on my abstinence list which she can introduce back to me over a period of time, so i keep only my binge foods on my abstinence list and i won't be as overwhelmed..

Also, last night was my first counselling session..
i've been emotional, and i feel exhausted. i went to bed early last night and slept right through til morning, then got up and went back to bed.. Very unlike me, i love my mornings.. my head is still buzzing from it all.. Needless to say we had an intense session..

i feel so scared in all of this..i feel overwhelmed, i feel some anger, and i feel ashamed and guilty mostly...

[sylvie]

i started a 30 day Orientation Program for Newcomers to OA on Saturday..
It actually started 19 days ago, but i procrastinated it of course..
And this weekend i decided i was pushing myself to do this, so i rounded up all of the literature i had to read and with each day was a set of questions to answer about me , pertaining to the literature i just read..

It took me all weekend to get caught up with everyone else and send it all in.. SO much work, but i've learned so much already, about OA, the website, the steps, the traditions and a plan of eating.. New topic starts today, i'm on day 19 today.. At least now i can do it a day at a time , feels good to be caught up and feels great that i pushed myself to do it.. Sometimes i just need to push myself quick, if i overthink it, i procrastinate and then miss out on the chance altogether.

Once i am through with this program, i will be ready to get a sponsor, and really tackle the hard work, by working the steps and setting up a plan of eating etc.. All of this, along with counselling (my 2nd session is January 10) and then the program i start with my Dietician on Intuitive Eating on January 5... Plus the tools i do daily, (meditating, meetings, exercise, journalling, food journal, etc...) i'm starting to feel somewhat stronger and much more on track.

Of course, the hard part about all of this is i feel like i never get a day of rest.. But, it's worth it if it helps me through each day with minimal urges to binge & purge and carry on with my behaviours and obsessing.. i have real issues with putting myself out there.. i find it hard posting in this thread even at times.. Putting it out there for people to see - but it keeps me accountable right now.. It's difficult, but necessary for me..

The support & the reps & the messages & the encouragement i get from you all here , whether posting for all to see or messaging me privately is So motivating and wonderful, thank you all for being in my corner, and know that i am in your corner too.. ANYtime..♥

[sylvie]

Happy New Year...
Thought i would leave some updates, about where i am at in this New Year.
i completed the Newcomer Orientation course for Overeater's Anonymous, got my virtual chip and Graduated.. It's the first time i have literally followed through with something, without making excuses or procrastinating until it was too late..

< --- Queen of excuses at one time, lol.. (& still can be, if i'm not careful..)

i registered for the next course which is called WTS (working the steps) and i am actively seeking a Sponsor now, which i have procrastinated for so long because i know this is where the hard stuff comes in.. i feel ready, though....i think... i've convinced myself i am NOT ready many a time, but realistically, i know i am VERY ready and i need this, desperately..

i got through the holidays without touching even one bite of all the temptations around me.. At work, everyone brought in SO many Christmas treats and i was surrounded for about 3 weeks solid - i was so scared for the holidays because of that - however, i DID IT! i am so grateful for that.. i stopped exercising everyday because of all of the hours i was working, but because i ate healthy i was able to maintain my weight and not gain anymore..

*happy dancing*

my Dietician appt is day after tomorrow, which i'm quite excited about.. i start the Intuitive Eating program with her, and then on Jan 10th will be my 2nd Counselling appointment..

So big steps for me.. Programs, actively seeking a sponsor, maintaining my appointments without procrastinating or making excuses & getting through the holidays...

Today i am working on Day 3 of Abstinence - While i've probably had many Abstinent days, i didn't feel 'ready' to start counting those days... i feel quite ready, and taking it one step at a time - hoping i've got this..

~~~~~~~~~

i am working on a Personal Blog, which will be geared towards my eating disorder, addiction, healthy journey (& of course other stuff) but , once it's ready i will post the link... For me, it helps putting everything out there for all to see.. While it's difficult, and embarrassing - it's a way to keep myself accountable and really work through the hard stuff.. During all of this, i am SO very grateful for all of You who rep, who write me, who make it a point to either encourage me along or share a part of you too.. Also those of you who post here in the thread as well.. Thank you for trusting me to do so, it'll always stay with me & me only... And i'm SO here for all of you, anytime you need.. ♥ ((((((huggggz)))))))

[sylvie]

i did it.. finally!
i stopped procrastinating, and got myself a sponsor..
*breathes*

i'm an odd assortment of emotions right now..

i am scared, SO scared.. i know this is where the hard work begins, dealing with inner stuff, pain, emotions..

i am also excited, because i know that some healing and self forgiveness begins.. To think i might get myself to an easier place, or not be so hard on myself each & every day, or slow down with the obsessive behaviours.....Wow.

i am also proud of myself - because i took a step out of my comfort zone..WAY out of my comfort zone, in fact..It's why i have been procrastinating so long.. Admitting i need help is one thing, putting it all out there and holding myself accountable is another thing, but to literally do something to help myself - this feels really, really good right now..

~~~~
Also, day one of my Intuitive Eating program went well.. It's a 10 step program and Step One was "Reject the Diet Mentality" which is what i am working on this week.. It's a hard one to grasp for me, but i'm doing everything i am supposed to do & making some positive changes ... i had no idea how much i was thinking in terms of the Diet Mentality..

Lastly, my 2nd counselling session is tomorrow night... i can do this... i think..

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

~~~~
Also, day one of my Intuitive Eating program went well.. It's a 10 step program and Step One was "Reject the Diet Mentality" which is what i am working on this week.. It's a hard one to grasp for me, but i'm doing everything i am supposed to do & making some positive changes ... i had no idea how much i was thinking in terms of the Diet Mentality...

For me this has been the most important thing! It is so hard to know if you are doing it "right" though. I had to get completely out of the calorie-counting habit, and focus on making sure I am just watching the carbs and emphasizing plants. I focus on that and I feel like I am doing it but there is always that part of me that thinks "maybe I better sit down and make a plan" and a plan is too much like a diet to be a safe thing for me to consider

[dark_crystal]

i feel bad. i just kinda went off on a coworker. He always jokes with me when he sees me eating and says things like "watch out you are going to get fat!"

That is a terrible thing to say to a recovering anorexic and could potentially be triggering to the point of relapse (and he does know i had anorexia).

It has been bothering me for a while but i didn't say anything b/c i hate confrontation

today he did it again and i didn't yell but i got that not-loud-but-obviously-agitated tone and i told him "do not say things like that! do not every talk to me about my food or my weight! you are going to give me a relapse"

he went down to his office and hasn't come back

I feel bad for getting stern with him

but what he's been doing is all kinds of dickish, right?

[*Anya*]

Yes Jenny, very, very dickish!

I am glad you set some limits with his very inappropriate behavior.

Hugs my sister,