A question for the Femmes

[sanee66]

HI there,
Well, being femme and having been in a similiar situation before with a partner who did not make a lot of money (self employed and worked when she wanted to, also subject to panic attacks) I thought I would give my two cents.
This relationship worked really well cause we complimented each other in areas where the other was weak. I worked full time, she took care of the house, yard and kid, basically a stay at home dad.

I dont need much to make me happy, someone that listens, and understands and knows when I need space and when i need held. To me this is more important that what one might be able to buy. Had a gf once that was forever buying me jewelry, which I never wore before. The best times I have ever had going out was just sitting by a lake, walking through the woods, country cruisin and nibblin finger foods. Some of the best gifts I haved gotten were just little notes that were hidden where I would find them.

If there are issues that need working on, it definitely sounds like you are doing so and I applaud you for that. I know many people that will never take that step and I think they may suffer for it.

Now for the long term pic. Since I am one of the many people only two checks away from being homeless, the only thing that matters to me in monetary terms is that who ever I may be with contribute what they can without blowing everything they make on just the things they want and expecting me to pay for everything. If issues arise, I would want to talk it out and try to find a solution with my partner.

I think you were great in taking that first step and I hope you don't let this make you run and never try again. You sound very nice and I wish you all the best.

[CherylNYC]

I have to chime in because I detect a whiff of sexism here. Would a femme woman ask whether she should simply not date at all because she's living on disability and can't afford to take her dates out or buy nice things for them? I think not. I wish there wasn't a presumption that the male/masculine partner is supposed to foot the dating bill. I honestly thought we laid that to rest in the 1970s! Silly me.

I work and make enough money to support myself. If I met someone I liked I wouldn't be particularly concerned if their income was far smaller than mine, as long as they were living within their means and they were not a deadbeat who simply refused to work. Yes, disability income is usually quite low, but many people live on SSI. I wouldn't rule them out of my dating pool because the pool is already very, VERY small! And as Dapper pointed out, SSI is a steady, reliable income.

As for PTSD, many of us live with this disorder. I would rule out an active drug addict or alcoholic. I would rule out an abusive person, or a mean one. PTSD wouldn't keep me away as long as it's managed. That said, one of my criteria for dating is that my potential dates should be less crazy than me. My late gf didn't exactly fit that criteria, so I obviously didn't take my rule very seriously. The way Caren was able to live honourably with the affects of her traumatic history made me respect her more every day. Her grace and forgiving nature were gifts that continue to inspire me.

Of course most of us who are dating have some idealised perfect person that we fantasize about. Well, that person just doesn't exist. We all have quirky/disfunctional/difficult traits. We all have outright character flaws. We all have histories that make us who we are. Just keep looking and you'll find women who will be happy to know you exactly as you are.

[uniquetobeme]

Making friends is a good way to ease back into dating and you may meet some neat people. It takes a lot of the pressure off. Believe in yourself and take things a day at a time. I believe everything happens for a reason and you'll meet that someone special when the time is right. In my experience, the best loves of my life have come out of the blue in the most unexpected ways. I think, sometimes, life gives us what we need when we need it.
Don't give up, somewhere there is a lovely lady waiting for someone just like you, and you won't find her if you give up.

[starryeyes]

There is someone out there for everyone. She just wasn't your "one". You said you just started putting yourself out there, be patient. It takes time, and just cause you strike out the first time doesn't mean you are doomed forever.

As far as the monetary situation goes, money is important to some and not to others. It bothered her, so she isn't for you. Financial stability is very important to some, not so much for others. I don't think anyone should knock her for that.

When I am dating, I look for partners who are in similar financial situations as me, who have stability and who can support the lifestyle we want to live together. There is nothing wrong with that. It would be hard for me to date someone unemployed, as I am an extremely hard worker and look to date butches who have the same ethic. It is just what I want :-)

Smiles and good luck to you... hugs. You will find your one, I promise!

[Scuba]

Originally Posted by uniquetobeme

Making friends is a good way to ease back into dating and you may meet some neat people.

I totally agree with you Uniquetobeme. Sometimes I think we as humans, regardless of gender or sexual preference, forget what it means to actually get to know someone. Dating is great and a lot of fun but whatever happened to getting to know someone BEFORE you ask them out on a date.

My philosophy on all of this is simple. Initial physical attraction can be a really strong force in motivating us to ask a person out on a date (it makes us do crazy, silly things as well). However, it clouds our judgment. If things don't work out for this reason or that we are disappointed. Get to know someone as a friend first. Remove those dating expectations from the equation e.g who pays for what and how much and are you crazy or sane. You'll find out all of this information in a friendship as well AND forgo the dating disappointment. Ask for a date only AFTER you have seen them at their worst and their best.

Bottom line for me...If you a are unable to see me first as a human being and a potential friend then dating is out of the question. AND this has NOTHING to do with how much money you make or what issues you think plague you. It has EVERYTHING to do with integrity, honesty and love.

Keep putting yourself out there. Create those strong friendships and see where things lead from there. When you are strong and confident in your own life, money be damned and issues be damned, than that special someone will see this in you.

Call me old fashion and crazy...Scoobs

PS...Don't see a "no" as rejection. This means you are personalizing someone else's decisions in life. A "no" has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person who says no.

[kannon]

Drew, I wanted to discuss a couple of points with you. First, PTSD is a treatable disorder. I'm not sure about your unique circumstances but many people do overcome the debilitating effects of PTSD.

Certainly, there is an appeal about someone who makes a decent living. Nothing wrong with a woman who values security. However, I don't think most femmes focus on a butch's or masculine ID'd income. I've found that what women want, or is drawn to in a partner, really depends on what they value. It's different for each woman. For some, it may be monetary, or it could be, chemistry, personality, intelligence, physical characteristics, etc or any combination.

Finally, if you decide to date, make sure it's your decision to do so and not the result of prodding from someone else.

No one likes to be rejected but it happens. Try not to take it personally.

Good luck.

[mariamma]

Not to be too preachy but...I do energy work. Meaning, I work hormones, neurotransmitters and other trace protein structures that cause us to feel what we feel. Anxiety is from too much ACTH, epi/norepi, etc. and not enough oxytocin, etc. Vasopressin has helped some people with PTSD. Here's a link to a NPR segment.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012...-by-ptsd?sc=tw
Be well

[Queerasfck]

Yeah Drew, who cares about one rejection? I had to stop counting mine when I was single. Fuck that. Move on and go find what you really want.