Original Bad Prose or Stories!

Hollylane · 01-16-2012, 06:45 PM

What she wasn’t saying is that she really thought that despite her best efforts at entertainment, there wasn’t really anything left between them after the moment when she made the alarming faux pas of saying that she really liked the scent in the bathroom when she would use it after her in the morning when she had finished performing that morning three s’s(shitting, showering and shaving), but without specifying that it was the after the shower smell that she truly enjoyed.

SoNotHer · 01-16-2012, 11:29 PM

Auchentoshan, the whisky firm behind the move to celebrate an alternative Burns Night, said that the celebration of William Topaz McGonagall will be 'an alternative evening of whisky, terrible poetry, haggis and general mayhem.' Picture: Hulton Archive/Getty

15 January 2012

HE HAS long been cast as a bit of a joke figure and is routinely described as the worst poet in the history of the English language. But the name of William Topaz McGonagall is set to be celebrated at pubs across Scotland later this month on a night more traditionally associated with a rather more illustrious writer of verse.

Fans of the eccentric Dundonian wordsmith will gather on Burns Night to toast the man they believe should be regarded as Scotland’s other national poet. In a move set to upset poetry purists everywhere, fans of McGonagall will take part in “alternative” Burns suppers, where dessert will be served first and there will be no renditions of the Address to a Haggis. Instead, diners will perform a selection of pieces from McGonagall’s own extensive and much-maligned canon. The brainchild of whisky firm Auchentoshan, the McGonagall suppers will take place at pubs across the UK, with venues being encouraged to serve a menu that starts with the traditional Scottish dessert of cranachan, before moving on to a main course of haggis and a starter of flaked salmon over oatcakes.

Brand manager Hannah Fisher said: “Auchentoshan likes to do things differently and, just like us, McGonagall liked to challenge perceptions. It therefore seems apt that we host a series of dinners that takes an interesting twist on one of Scotland’s most revered celebrations. “It will be an alternative evening of whisky, terrible poetry, haggis and general mayhem.” (Wow. Booking tickets for 2013 now.)

Among the venues taking part in the celebrations are the Hyde Out bar in Edinburgh, as well as three English venues in Darlington, Durham and London. McGonagall enthusiast Chris Hunt, who runs the website McGonagall Online, welcomed the idea of celebrating the poet on 25 January. He said: “I think this is a brilliant idea. “I’ve been to quite a few Burns suppers where I’ve tried to sneak in a bit of McGonagall – it’s nice to cover both extremes of Scottish poetic output in one evening.”

Asked if the poet deserved his reputation as the worst Scotland had ever produced, he said. “Yes. He’s pretty much the bottom of the bottom in terms of quality, but his poems are entertaining. “We’re still buying them 100 years after his death, so he must have done something right.” Born in Edinburgh in 1825, McGonagall wrote about 200 poems, including the infamous Tay Bridge Disaster –often described as the worst poem in British literary history.

Recounting the tragic events of 1879 in which the Tay Rail Bridge collapsed as a train passed over it, the poems begins:

“Beautiful railway bridge of the silv’ry Tay
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last sabbath day of 1879
Which shall be remembered for a very long time.”

SoNotHer · 01-17-2012, 10:54 PM

I hand her kneepads,

And tap down her head, turn on

the Hi Fi... 'Nuff said.

Truly Scrumptious · 01-18-2012, 04:57 PM

The thing about sex in the shower

The soap drops, I slip
Risky business yes, but then
Clean up is a breeze

Cin · 01-18-2012, 05:01 PM

I like haiku. Sort of. I don't know much about them though. They're a bit intimidating for someone who can't even tell you what they want for dinner in 500 words or less.

Truly Scrumptious · 01-18-2012, 05:02 PM

It’s very simple
Five syllables then seven
And five once again

Cin · 01-18-2012, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truly Scrumptious

It’s very simple
Five syllables then seven
And five once again

Yes I get it. I just can't think that succinctly or that tightly.

Hollylane · 01-18-2012, 05:10 PM

I used my finger
Now under my fingernail
Crusty ones linger

Hollylane · 01-19-2012, 01:05 AM

It wasn’t real hard
Kind of like a long noodle
Not dishwasher safe

*Anya* · 01-19-2012, 06:35 AM

The Lake Union Seattle Beat First Annual Bad Haiku Contest

April, 2011

We were inundated with hundreds of entries for this contest and most of them were very bad! In fact, we’d like to congratulate Seattle on having so many truly terrible poets. In addition to the very, very bad we received many gross submissions, and, sadly, some good stuff we couldn’t use.

The following are the 10 runners-up climaxing with the worst Haiku we had the pleasure of reading.

Most men like melons

Especially ripe and juicy

Hands off those are mine

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jews atone for sins

Once a year, on Yom Kippur

Beats confessional
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soft pink Elephant

You are my OCD dream

Touch touch touch touch touch

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young man, young woman

He asks, she asks, his hands

Move apart, show size

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not like poems

I just want fifty dollars

Show me the money

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Big Mac mouthful

A loud belly rumbling

Oh crap no toilet paper

~~~~~~~~~~

Oh hipster fixie

Skidding thru stops helmetless

Pants tight, German bag

~~~~~~~~~~~

I like my women

The way I like my coffee

In large quantities
~~~~~~~~~

Haiku are three line

Poems that no one who speaks

English can write well

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loud, shrieking voices

Shattering of glass vases

Time for a spanking

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Winner! Worst Haiku 2011

Slippery pasta

Broccoli, pepper, garlic

We ate, we had gas

01-16-2012, 11:29 PM	#2
SoNotHer Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Professional Sandbagger and Jenga Zumba Instructor Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: In the master control room of my world domination dreams Posts: 2,811 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,587 Thanked 4,734 Times in 1,409 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	And thinking of things stinking... Auchentoshan, the whisky firm behind the move to celebrate an alternative Burns Night, said that the celebration of William Topaz McGonagall will be 'an alternative evening of whisky, terrible poetry, haggis and general mayhem.' Picture: Hulton Archive/Getty 15 January 2012 HE HAS long been cast as a bit of a joke figure and is routinely described as the worst poet in the history of the English language. But the name of William Topaz McGonagall is set to be celebrated at pubs across Scotland later this month on a night more traditionally associated with a rather more illustrious writer of verse. Fans of the eccentric Dundonian wordsmith will gather on Burns Night to toast the man they believe should be regarded as Scotland’s other national poet. In a move set to upset poetry purists everywhere, fans of McGonagall will take part in “alternative” Burns suppers, where dessert will be served first and there will be no renditions of the Address to a Haggis. Instead, diners will perform a selection of pieces from McGonagall’s own extensive and much-maligned canon. The brainchild of whisky firm Auchentoshan, the McGonagall suppers will take place at pubs across the UK, with venues being encouraged to serve a menu that starts with the traditional Scottish dessert of cranachan, before moving on to a main course of haggis and a starter of flaked salmon over oatcakes. Brand manager Hannah Fisher said: “Auchentoshan likes to do things differently and, just like us, McGonagall liked to challenge perceptions. It therefore seems apt that we host a series of dinners that takes an interesting twist on one of Scotland’s most revered celebrations. “It will be an alternative evening of whisky, terrible poetry, haggis and general mayhem.” (Wow. Booking tickets for 2013 now.) Among the venues taking part in the celebrations are the Hyde Out bar in Edinburgh, as well as three English venues in Darlington, Durham and London. McGonagall enthusiast Chris Hunt, who runs the website McGonagall Online, welcomed the idea of celebrating the poet on 25 January. He said: “I think this is a brilliant idea. “I’ve been to quite a few Burns suppers where I’ve tried to sneak in a bit of McGonagall – it’s nice to cover both extremes of Scottish poetic output in one evening.” Asked if the poet deserved his reputation as the worst Scotland had ever produced, he said. “Yes. He’s pretty much the bottom of the bottom in terms of quality, but his poems are entertaining. “We’re still buying them 100 years after his death, so he must have done something right.” Born in Edinburgh in 1825, McGonagall wrote about 200 poems, including the infamous Tay Bridge Disaster –often described as the worst poem in British literary history. Recounting the tragic events of 1879 in which the Tay Rail Bridge collapsed as a train passed over it, the poems begins: “Beautiful railway bridge of the silv’ry Tay Alas! I am very sorry to say That ninety lives have been taken away On the last sabbath day of 1879 Which shall be remembered for a very long time.”

01-17-2012, 10:54 PM	#3
SoNotHer Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Professional Sandbagger and Jenga Zumba Instructor Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: In the master control room of my world domination dreams Posts: 2,811 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,587 Thanked 4,734 Times in 1,409 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	"To Suck or Not to Suck" - A Bad Haiku Hurling Response I hand her kneepads, And tap down her head, turn on the Hi Fi... 'Nuff said.

01-18-2012, 04:57 PM	#4
Truly Scrumptious Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: She's my mirror twin, my next of kin Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Entre Lajeunesse et la sagesse Posts: 667 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,047 Thanked 1,757 Times in 548 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	You had me at haiku The thing about sex in the shower The soap drops, I slip Risky business yes, but then Clean up is a breeze

01-18-2012, 05:01 PM	#5
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,815 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,401 Times in 2,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I like haiku. Sort of. I don't know much about them though. They're a bit intimidating for someone who can't even tell you what they want for dinner in 500 words or less. __________________ The reason facts don’t change most people’s opinions is because most people don’t use facts to form their opinions. They use their opinions to form their “facts.” Neil Strauss

01-18-2012, 05:02 PM	#6
Truly Scrumptious Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: She's my mirror twin, my next of kin Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Entre Lajeunesse et la sagesse Posts: 667 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,047 Thanked 1,757 Times in 548 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Haiku You It’s very simple Five syllables then seven And five once again

01-16-2012, 06:45 PM	#1
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	What she wasn’t saying is that she really thought that despite her best efforts at entertainment, there wasn’t really anything left between them after the moment when she made the alarming faux pas of saying that she really liked the scent in the bathroom when she would use it after her in the morning when she had finished performing that morning three s’s(shitting, showering and shaving), but without specifying that it was the after the shower smell that she truly enjoyed.

01-18-2012, 05:10 PM	#8
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	I used my finger Now under my fingernail Crusty ones linger

01-19-2012, 01:05 AM	#9
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	It wasn’t real hard Kind of like a long noodle Not dishwasher safe

01-19-2012, 06:35 AM	#10
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,445 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	For Inspiration? The Lake Union Seattle Beat First Annual Bad Haiku Contest April, 2011 We were inundated with hundreds of entries for this contest and most of them were very bad! In fact, we’d like to congratulate Seattle on having so many truly terrible poets. In addition to the very, very bad we received many gross submissions, and, sadly, some good stuff we couldn’t use. The following are the 10 runners-up climaxing with the worst Haiku we had the pleasure of reading. Most men like melons Especially ripe and juicy Hands off those are mine ~~~~~~~~~~~ Jews atone for sins Once a year, on Yom Kippur Beats confessional ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soft pink Elephant You are my OCD dream Touch touch touch touch touch ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Young man, young woman He asks, she asks, his hands Move apart, show size ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I do not like poems I just want fifty dollars Show me the money ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Big Mac mouthful A loud belly rumbling Oh crap no toilet paper ~~~~~~~~~~ Oh hipster fixie Skidding thru stops helmetless Pants tight, German bag ~~~~~~~~~~~ I like my women The way I like my coffee In large quantities ~~~~~~~~~ Haiku are three line Poems that no one who speaks English can write well ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Loud, shrieking voices Shattering of glass vases Time for a spanking ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Winner! Worst Haiku 2011 Slippery pasta Broccoli, pepper, garlic We ate, we had gas __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner