You Knew You Were a Femme When...

genghisfawn · 01-24-2012, 01:45 AM

This may sound awful, but...

I realised I was femme when I was 18 and with an abusive partner who didn't want a femme. She was a butch who only dated butches, and after I moved in with her, she started taking away my clothes, my makeup, pressuring me to keep my hair short, getting angry when I hung out with my straight friends... very controlling and nasty, for those and other reasons.

Why was I with her? I was 18 and insecure, of course.

But what I realised was that she was taking away everything that made me feel confident about myself - the way I could express myself physically and not just rely on my manner to speak for who I am. I wanted to present as femme. I didn't feel pretty, confident, attractive or even presentable because, let's face it, I made a pretty crappy butch.

She was just into appearances, she was heterophobic and wanted her girlfriend to be "visibly queer". As it was, she kicked me out at 3am one day and moved her new butch girlfriend in 12 hours later. I started rebuilding myself and reclaiming who I was a short time later, and happily I've never had to look back.

Passionaria · 01-24-2012, 03:11 AM

I have always been very feminine, but the first time I realized I was femme? Spending time at work with the first Butch I had ever met. ( ok I was sheltered when it came to gay life) I went from perplexed to all twitchy and nervous every time I saw her. Started planning my outfits for work more carefully.

I knew at that time that I was attracted to women but I had never given it much thought. Then I did some online investigating and found out what a strap on was. The birds sang, and the sun rose a little bit brighter. I was like yeah, the best of both worlds, I can do this. *blink* Then every time I saw her I found my self going hmmm, I wonder if she......... That only made me more nervous. LOL. Looking back, yeah I think she does.

I have only been out in the Butch-Femme community. You want a good laugh? Put me in a room full of Lesbians and watch what happens when I "girl" flirts with me. You would think I was a teenager who had never been kissed..... CRAZY.

Honey · 01-24-2012, 07:18 AM

I was in a bookstore in Provincetown, Mass...I was maybe 17 yrs old...I saw a book on a shelf called The Swashbuckler (by Lee Lynch)..on the cover was a woman wearing a black leather jacket, white tee, faded blue jeans and slicked back hair... leaning against a wall. I was instantly drawn..I opened the book to a random page. My eyes fell upon the words: Frenchy had Mercedes against the wall..she slid her hand into Mercedes panties and felt the wetness against the back of her knuckles..."....THAT WAS IT !! I was ABSOLUTELY FEMME !

Quintease · 01-24-2012, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genghisfawn

This may sound awful, but...
I realised I was femme when I was 18 and with an abusive partner who didn't want a femme. She was a butch who only dated butches, and after I moved in with her, she started taking away my clothes, my makeup, pressuring me to keep my hair short, getting angry when I hung out with my straight friends... very controlling and nasty, for those and other reasons.

I had an ex (long long ago) who initially dated me as I was femme and 'prettier' than her ex-bf's new girlfriend, then began to resent the male attention I got. Rather than being angry at them, she instead started trying to change the way I looked! (Bear in mind I was 100% out gay through all of this).

I always wondered how she got on in her next relationship, with a girl who was not only femme, tall and thin, but also blessed with model looks.

ruby_woo · 01-24-2012, 11:53 AM

I came out in the late '90's when I was 16, and living in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH. I didn't really have any real life dyke role models, so must of what I read about queer culture came from the internet. What I read generally regarded butch-femme as an archaic thing that no one really did anymore, and it seemed most dykes dressed in a crunchy, granola kind of way. So that was how I started dressing myself so I would "read gay.". Even so, my friends still made jokes about how "girly" I was- you can't get rid of your natural energy, I guess.

Femme hit me when I was 18. I moved away from that town and went to a liberal arts college that attracted a lot of kids from the SF Bay Area. They knew butch-femme wasn't dead. There was this one girl in particular that caught everyone's eye. She was gorgeous and feminine and everyone wanted her- not me, I wanted to BE her.

Her and I got along quite well, and one night we were hanging out in her dorm room and she told me that there was a whole community of girly dykes out there, and anyone who told you that you were too feminine to be queer was clearly an idiot, so dress however you like.

I reverted back to the dorky kid who watched too many old movies as kid, and started hunting down vintage dresses, cute heels, back-seam stockings. Except I wasn't a kid anymore.

I met my first butch around this time, who loved and embraced my femininity, and who managed to turn me into a giggly mess in a way that no one else had. I knew this was for me.

Leigh · 01-24-2012, 02:49 PM

Its been awhile since I have been able to really say that I am femme but I'm at a point in my life where right now I know that I am a female, and even more so, femme. Its taken me three years of self discovery, coming out as FTM and taking a year's worth of male hormones, to see that in the end I was always meant to just be me. I miss everything about just being a femme, and to be honest my year of being on hormones made me learn more about myself than I ever had in my 30 years prior.

I don't regret my decision to take the hormones, as I said above it helped me to learn more about who I am and who I'm meant to be. I wanna be able to go out shopping with my female friends for clothes, shoes, even make-up ~ I wanna buy the pretty clothes and even a purse. There is so much that I have missed, and yet I know that there is alot that will just come naturally to me again and thats how I want it. I hope its okay if I come back into the femme circle - I'm sure it is, just wanna make sure .......... its good to be back home where I belong :-)

1ladyface · 01-25-2012, 10:05 PM

I've only ever been in b/f relationships but I didn't realize that was unique until my second relationship.

The story:

When I was in college my very butch partner Lauren and I found ourselves at a house party in Santa Cruz. Of course I was wearing an embroidered blue skirt with vintage peep toe heels, a blouse and a cardigan and she was wearing black pinstripe pants, dress shirt, shiny loafers and her fedora. We ran into a friend of mine from high school who was wearing a little black dress, her butch partner was wearing a dress shirt, slacks and a tie.

I remember standing there talking with this lovely couple and then looking around the dirty living room filled with genderqueer boi dykes drinking PBR and wrestling with each other in their cutoff denim shorts, ironic trucker hats and handkerchiefs around their necks and realizing, oh.

We're the weird ones.

01-24-2012, 03:11 AM	#2
Passionaria Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Urban Bohemian : http://youtu.be/IM96Ch9Gx4A Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: She ran away with with the Gypsy's ✿ Posts: 2,519 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,316 Thanked 3,737 Times in 1,248 Posts Rep Power: 16689910	I have always been very feminine, but the first time I realized I was femme? Spending time at work with the first Butch I had ever met. ( ok I was sheltered when it came to gay life) I went from perplexed to all twitchy and nervous every time I saw her. Started planning my outfits for work more carefully. I knew at that time that I was attracted to women but I had never given it much thought. Then I did some online investigating and found out what a strap on was. The birds sang, and the sun rose a little bit brighter. I was like yeah, the best of both worlds, I can do this. blink Then every time I saw her I found my self going hmmm, I wonder if she......... That only made me more nervous. LOL. Looking back, yeah I think she does. I have only been out in the Butch-Femme community. You want a good laugh? Put me in a room full of Lesbians and watch what happens when I "girl" flirts with me. You would think I was a teenager who had never been kissed..... CRAZY. __________________ *Moon cat madness*

01-24-2012, 02:49 PM	#6
Leigh Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, etc Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 7,767 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,029 Thanked 13,024 Times in 4,784 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Its been awhile since I have been able to really say that I am femme but I'm at a point in my life where right now I know that I am a female, and even more so, femme. Its taken me three years of self discovery, coming out as FTM and taking a year's worth of male hormones, to see that in the end I was always meant to just be me. I miss everything about just being a femme, and to be honest my year of being on hormones made me learn more about myself than I ever had in my 30 years prior. I don't regret my decision to take the hormones, as I said above it helped me to learn more about who I am and who I'm meant to be. I wanna be able to go out shopping with my female friends for clothes, shoes, even make-up ~ I wanna buy the pretty clothes and even a purse. There is so much that I have missed, and yet I know that there is alot that will just come naturally to me again and thats how I want it. I hope its okay if I come back into the femme circle - I'm sure it is, just wanna make sure .......... its good to be back home where I belong :-) __________________ "When you fall off the wagon ... clutch the sides of it until you get a better grip!"

01-25-2012, 10:05 PM	#7
1ladyface Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: loved and loving Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: SF Posts: 86 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 65 Thanked 279 Times in 66 Posts Rep Power: 3368880	I've only ever been in b/f relationships but I didn't realize that was unique until my second relationship. The story: When I was in college my very butch partner Lauren and I found ourselves at a house party in Santa Cruz. Of course I was wearing an embroidered blue skirt with vintage peep toe heels, a blouse and a cardigan and she was wearing black pinstripe pants, dress shirt, shiny loafers and her fedora. We ran into a friend of mine from high school who was wearing a little black dress, her butch partner was wearing a dress shirt, slacks and a tie. I remember standing there talking with this lovely couple and then looking around the dirty living room filled with genderqueer boi dykes drinking PBR and wrestling with each other in their cutoff denim shorts, ironic trucker hats and handkerchiefs around their necks and realizing, oh. We're the weird ones. __________________ xoxo -ladyface http://www.1ladyface.blogspot.com

01-24-2012, 01:45 AM	#1
genghisfawn Member How Do You Identify?: Femme/Gentlewoman Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Happily married 05/17/14 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,056 Thanked 2,158 Times in 403 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	This may sound awful, but... I realised I was femme when I was 18 and with an abusive partner who didn't want a femme. She was a butch who only dated butches, and after I moved in with her, she started taking away my clothes, my makeup, pressuring me to keep my hair short, getting angry when I hung out with my straight friends... very controlling and nasty, for those and other reasons. Why was I with her? I was 18 and insecure, of course. But what I realised was that she was taking away everything that made me feel confident about myself - the way I could express myself physically and not just rely on my manner to speak for who I am. I wanted to present as femme. I didn't feel pretty, confident, attractive or even presentable because, let's face it, I made a pretty crappy butch. She was just into appearances, she was heterophobic and wanted her girlfriend to be "visibly queer". As it was, she kicked me out at 3am one day and moved her new butch girlfriend in 12 hours later. I started rebuilding myself and reclaiming who I was a short time later, and happily I've never had to look back.

01-24-2012, 07:18 AM	#3
Honey Member How Do You Identify?: big femme heart..... in a tight girlie package Preferred Pronoun?: just call me Honey Relationship Status: Playin' 4 keeps with Tomboi1982 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: New England Posts: 306 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 316 Thanked 613 Times in 184 Posts Rep Power: 10762767	I was in a bookstore in Provincetown, Mass...I was maybe 17 yrs old...I saw a book on a shelf called The Swashbuckler (by Lee Lynch)..on the cover was a woman wearing a black leather jacket, white tee, faded blue jeans and slicked back hair... leaning against a wall. I was instantly drawn..I opened the book to a random page. My eyes fell upon the words: Frenchy had Mercedes against the wall..she slid her hand into Mercedes panties and felt the wetness against the back of her knuckles..."....THAT WAS IT !! I was ABSOLUTELY FEMME !

01-24-2012, 11:53 AM	#5
ruby_woo Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: her/she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 427 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,848 Thanked 1,941 Times in 376 Posts Rep Power: 17615392	I came out in the late '90's when I was 16, and living in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH. I didn't really have any real life dyke role models, so must of what I read about queer culture came from the internet. What I read generally regarded butch-femme as an archaic thing that no one really did anymore, and it seemed most dykes dressed in a crunchy, granola kind of way. So that was how I started dressing myself so I would "read gay.". Even so, my friends still made jokes about how "girly" I was- you can't get rid of your natural energy, I guess. Femme hit me when I was 18. I moved away from that town and went to a liberal arts college that attracted a lot of kids from the SF Bay Area. They knew butch-femme wasn't dead. There was this one girl in particular that caught everyone's eye. She was gorgeous and feminine and everyone wanted her- not me, I wanted to BE her. Her and I got along quite well, and one night we were hanging out in her dorm room and she told me that there was a whole community of girly dykes out there, and anyone who told you that you were too feminine to be queer was clearly an idiot, so dress however you like. I reverted back to the dorky kid who watched too many old movies as kid, and started hunting down vintage dresses, cute heels, back-seam stockings. Except I wasn't a kid anymore. I met my first butch around this time, who loved and embraced my femininity, and who managed to turn me into a giggly mess in a way that no one else had. I knew this was for me.