Is Marriage for you?

[Ciaran]

I wouldn't rule out marriage per se but what I would rule out, from a personal perspective is a "conventional" marriage, whether straight or gay. By this comment, I mean that I never want to live 24/7 with a partner as I value time alone i.e. I could do 24/5 or something along those lines or live in separate condos in the same building or in nearby homes .... just not 24/7.

I'm certainly not alone in my thinking on this and the more"unconventional" is gradually becoming the conventional.

[chai~]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I wouldn't rule out marriage per se but what I would rule out, from a personal perspective is a "conventional" marriage, whether straight or gay. By this comment, I mean that I never want to live 24/7 with a partner as I value time alone i.e. I could do 24/5 or something along those lines or live in separate condos in the same building or in nearby homes .... just not 24/7.

I'm certainly not alone in my thinking on this and the more"unconventional" is gradually becoming the conventional.

I feel this way also, the 24/7 thing.
I used to work with a guy who's wife lived a 1 hour plane ride away, in a neighboring province.
He was in his 50's and I was 17, so I was fascinated by this concept.
He told me it works because he likes to take work home with him, eat cereal for dinner, sit in the dark with only a lamp on, and pace the room and think. He liked having his space to ponder his life. He also liked being able to "miss" his wife, and knew he could be flying to see her for the weekend, or she would be flying in. They took turns.

I thought it was the best idea EVER!!!!
The drag of the everyday can get to be just that, a drag.
On the weekend, I tend to be more relaxed and wanting to play.
Let's do a movie, go out to dinner, visit friends etc.
Not, It's your turn to take out the garbage, I cleaned the litter box...why do you leave your socks on the floor when the basket is right there!!!! Blah blah blah!!!!

To me, it would be always date night!!!

I guess the immediate idea of marriage, living together, eating together, groceries together, being with someone ALL the time, is just too much for me.

I am luckier than I know, being able to have a partner on my health care insurance, on my emergency call list, etc. I am SO lucky.

Come to Canada everyone, we might have some cookies, but we do have a lot of other things!

[LaneyDoll]

Originally Posted by chai~

I thought it was the best idea EVER!!!!
The drag of the everyday can get to be just that, a drag.
On the weekend, I tend to be more relaxed and wanting to play.
Let's do a movie, go out to dinner, visit friends etc.
Not, It's your turn to take out the garbage, I cleaned the litter box...why do you leave your socks on the floor when the basket is right there!!!! Blah blah blah!!!!

To me, it would be always date night!!!

I like the way you stated this. Sun-Thurs, I am in full-blown, kid-wrangling mode. I leave work, pick up kids, run necessary errands, go home, do homework, do housework, make sure showers are taken & clothes laid out for the next day. And, at some point in the day, I try to have a little "me" time.

Honestly, I think that my life can be a circus.

I understand that there are people out there who would gladly be part of that in exchange for an always quiet house, always eating alone, going to bed alone. But I would never want anyone to think I was looking for a maid, a parent, a tutor, a fellow ringleader etc when what I really wanted was a partner.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I wouldn't rule out marriage per se but what I would rule out, from a personal perspective is a "conventional" marriage, whether straight or gay. By this comment, I mean that I never want to live 24/7 with a partner as I value time alone i.e. I could do 24/5 or something along those lines or live in separate condos in the same building or in nearby homes .... just not 24/7.

I'm certainly not alone in my thinking on this and the more"unconventional" is gradually becoming the conventional.

I think this would be the ideal situation...I love living with Kasey and the family we have made...I love coming home to her, and watching her sleep...but I would LOVE to have a couple of days a week, month, whatever to myself. I crave alone time, and now that she works from home I get very little.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I think this would be the ideal situation...I love living with Kasey and the family we have made...I love coming home to her, and watching her sleep...but I would LOVE to have a couple of days a week, month, whatever to myself. I crave alone time, and now that she works from home I get very little.

Although I am not married, I am in a 3 year monogomous relationship with my girlfriend. I spent many years living alone. Either I was "dating" or in a serious long distance relationhip. I discovered the joys of alone time.

Logistically I have the best scenario going, for me. I live next door to my girlfriend. Our schedules allow the two of us some alone time at least once a week. My gf has joint custody of her 9 year old daughter and finding alone time can be a challenge.

I am not complaining. What I am saying is that I have found that the "traditional" set up may not always work in the best interest of my relationship and maybe for others.

[Chancie]

For me, these are two different questions, whether I would get married, if full equal legal marriage were available to same sex couples, and whether I believe in serious lifelong commitment.

I can't imagine being with anyone but Pete, and maybe we'll make a public commitment in front of our familes and close friends, but even in Massachusetts, there are only limited legal protections. I miss her like crazy when we are apart during the week, but sometimes I think, What the hell would I do if she were here when I got home from work and all I want to do is drink seltzer and watch The Big Bang Theory. Next door sounds great to me.

My ex and I used to say that we wanted to be together forever, one day at a time, but by the time she fell out of love with me, she wasn't much interested in working towards a healthy loving end to our ten year relationship. Our commitment ceremony predated same sex marriage in Massachusetts, and I was put in the position of having to hire a lawyer to protect my financial interests in the home we bought and lived in together.

I know it's not a popular idea, but I see same sex marriage as offering legal and contractual protection and as a civil rights issue, but not a measure of true commitment to a relationship.

[Bella~Vita]

A while back I would of said yes to marriage, but now I love my alone time. My partner has hys own place down the road from me. Actually, it works out quite well. When we want to be together we can. And also enjoy own independence. I feel I have the best of both worlds. It's not about being able to be with someone else because we have an understanding that we are partners .... this is the happiest I been in quite awhile. We decided in the beginning that we would not rush it. So we took months of just getting to know one another without the sex, it was the best decision for me and hym.


It works for us so far.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Chancie

For me, these are two different questions, whether I would get married, if full equal legal marriage were available to same sex couples, and whether I believe in serious lifelong commitment.

I can't imagine being with anyone but Pete, and maybe we'll make a public commitment in front of our familes and close friends, but even in Massachusetts, there are only limited legal protections. I miss her like crazy when we are apart during the week, but sometimes I think, What the hell would I do if she were here when I got home from work and all I want to do is drink seltzer and watch The Big Bang Theory. Next door sounds great to me.

My ex and I used to say that we wanted to be together forever, one day at a time, but by the time she fell out of love with me, she wasn't much interested in working towards a healthy loving end to our ten year relationship. Our commitment ceremony predated same sex marriage in Massachusetts, and I was put in the position of having to hire a lawyer to protect my financial interests in the home we bought and lived in together.

I know it's not a popular idea, but I see same sex marriage as offering legal and contractual protection and as a civil rights issue, but not a measure of true commitment to a relationship.

A lot of very good points.

If someone no longer wants to work and make the marriage a living thing, no piece of paper is going to keep them there.

I really wish that we as a whole were better at fighting for our basic civil rights so that "marriage" would not be the focus of the struggle to earn an equal playing field in jobs/housing/basic human dignity.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I think this would be the ideal situation...I love living with Kasey and the family we have made...I love coming home to her, and watching her sleep...but I would LOVE to have a couple of days a week, month, whatever to myself. I crave alone time, and now that she works from home I get very little.

The difficulty that I sometimes have is one of societal expectations and many of those expectations are the same whether we are straight, gay or somewhere in between.

One of those expectations is that, if you're in love with someone you want to spend 24 / 7 with them. I've no doubt that works for many, probably most, folk but it just doesn't for me. Part of the reason may be that I've spent most of my adult life either single or in what would be termed reasonably casual relationships.

As a result, I've become accustomed to my own space and feel very claustrophic if I feel it's under threat and, furthermore, for right or wrong, whilst I've craved love and intimacy, I've not craved it in a 24 / 7 sense.

I just cannot do 24 / 7 in that "normal way" .... closest I could get to this would be separate bedrooms / living spaces in the same h.ouse.

The difficultly I often have is that, in the past, when articulating these feelings to partners, many have felt slighted or have questioned my commitment when, from my perspective, it wasn't about love or commitment ... but about preserving my sanity and preserving and actually strengthening a relationship.

[MsTinkerbelly]

For those of you choosing "alternate joining" rather than marriage as your status, would you mind explaining your arrangements and why not "marriage", and for those choosing no marriage ever, what led you to this point?