Friends of Bill W.

Day 17

6pm, Keeping it Real meeting. Just five of us. It was a cracking meeting. As they say, it just takes two to make a meeting.

So, I'm sober but still the behaviour of my addiction and the fear still controls me. It's tough to let go of the fear...feel the fear and do it anyway is the old book title says but I can't do it...yet. It's about now that I would be going on an avoidance bender. I don't want to drink but I do still want to play the avoidance game. My brain is pinging all over the place but I have to pull this out of the bag in a weeks time.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now I got the itches. The back of one hand is scratched sore since last night.

Why the hell do I keep waking up feeling like crap? I could sleep and sleep past lunchtime as in my old drinking pattern but I'm not letting myself and have risen before 10am every day...my Pops thinks that this is part of making me a 'normal' person...but each day I feel like utter crap; it does improve throughout the day mostly but not always; yesterday I was half asleep and useless all day. I wanna stamp my feet like a petulant child and say "It's not fair!" but no-one said getting sober would be fair or easy, it just is the way it is.

I have to try study again today but my poor addled, pinging brain will barely stay still for me to grab what it knows out of the ether. I'm hoping my tutor will understand and extend until next Friday.

By the grace of God and the first three (well, two really) steps, today is Day 18

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 17

PIGS

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”


Talking to a chrysalis about flight is like talking to a fetus about dry land. Descriptions of future events and possibility are lost in the translation. To the uninitiated, these realities sound like gibberish and flights of fancy or foolish dogma. Yet, I am drawn to talk of these things, imagine and describe them. I am changed by this procedure. I am transformed in the details. When I can accurately depict it, I am taking the stride into living it. I am my own pig. I have taught myself to sing and have wasted no time at all.


List your favorites so you don’t forget yourself.




*
Suzy Q’s Mother
Through process of elimination
I have had to learn who G-d is and who G-d isn’t.
When it comes down to my understanding
everything incomprehensible is off the table
and what is left is mine, all mine.
I can’t fathom an all powerful G-d;
therefore my G-d is not all powerful.
I cannot begin to comprehend a vengeful G-d,
as you might have guessed; my G-d is not vengeful.
Because of these constraints I have
a non-omnipotent G-d, one with limitations and bounds.
This doesn’t mean I love my G-d any less
in fact it may be why I love my G-d so very much.
And G-d loves me with a Mother love
that trails me to the depths and heights of the path,
but like any mother, she can’t do everything.
My G-d is accomplished and wonderful,
but there are days that I need things,
which lay outside my Higher Power’s area of expertise
and I must turn to help beyond our little circle of two.
This is not easy at first.
We both feel awkward in the attempt,
but Suzy Q lives two houses down
Her mother still has her hook shot from college
and since my mom’s experience of basketball
is that it’s the court you walk through to go play tennis,
I ask Mrs. Q with help making the three point shots.
I don’t have to understand Suzy Q’s mother,
I leave that to Suzy.

I just have to ask for help,
learn the jump and go home when I’m done.
It’s nice to be able to slam dunk,
but there is no place like home.

[FtMGuy]

This is going to be a tough time as you well know , I suggest if you dont mind, drink lots of water it really does help get the crap out of your body I tell the guys the same thing before and after surgery it helps get all the crap out of your system, also SLEEP your body needs to heal it needs some TLC from you!
Be nice to your self and be patient!
you are doing great ya only need to worry about today not tomorrow or yeserday just today!

Originally Posted by Incubus

Now I got the itches. The back of one hand is scratched sore since last night.

Why the hell do I keep waking up feeling like crap? I could sleep and sleep past lunchtime as in my old drinking pattern but I'm not letting myself and have risen before 10am every day...my Pops thinks that this is part of making me a 'normal' person...but each day I feel like utter crap; it does improve throughout the day mostly but not always; yesterday I was half asleep and useless all day. I wanna stamp my feet like a petulant child and say "It's not fair!" but no-one said getting sober would be fair or easy, it just is the way it is.

I have to try study again today but my poor addled, pinging brain will barely stay still for me to grab what it knows out of the ether. I'm hoping my tutor will understand and extend until next Friday.

By the grace of God and the first three (well, two really) steps, today is Day 18

Originally Posted by FtMGuyLondon

This is going to be a tough time as you well know , I suggest if you dont mind, drink lots of water it really does help get the crap out of your body I tell the guys the same thing before and after surgery it helps get all the crap out of your system, also SLEEP your body needs to heal it needs some TLC from you!
Be nice to your self and be patient!
you are doing great ya only need to worry about today not tomorrow or yeserday just today!

Day 19

Cheers for your experience and encouragement Guy. It is getting a little tougher as the initial 'honeymoon' of being sober wears off a little and the reality of life kicks in and I still wanna play the addict avoidance game.

I don't think I could physically drink any more liquid than I am already doing. Fizzy water, tea, decaff tea, rooibos, decaff coffee (with evaporated milk to make it creamy)...night time I have a change and drink diet tonic water with a little grapefruit cordial until I go back to decaff tea and water in the couple of hours before bed. I feeling like I'm swimming from the inside in bloody liquids...and I'm never off the loo - one in, one out!

Playing the avoidance game whilst sober is odd. I can still beat myself up about it but I remember the 'beating' the next day At the moment I'm avoiding writing one of the essays I'm meant to be catching up with from last semester; the one I've had several benders over. I'm being very successful at that avoidance too. I'm also avoiding dealing with some official stuff that will have ramifications if I don't get on with it and then I can cry 'Poor me' when it comes crashing down round my ears. Bloody numpty!!

My daft addict brain is pinging all over the place and driving me nuts, it just won't settle down to concentrate on anything. Something else to beat myself up about because I'm gonna have to re-negotiate all my extensions at uni. I hope they understand.

As to sleep: I've been insomniac for a couple of years now but I'm coming to realize that it probably wasn't man-0-pausal insomnia as I thought but bloody booze insomnia...sitting chatting (talking crap you'll never remember) on the internet and wine goes together wonderfully. I'm now trying to give myself a daily curfew for stopping chatting and getting myself in bed to chill with either crap telly or with Radio 4. I'm getting better at this as the days go on and haven't had too many nights that have gone past 2am, which is what I used to do every night. Last night I was very good and switched my computer off at 12.30 and slept until 10am this morning. Probably the longest sleep I've had since I was on detox meds. ...and I'm still knackered but that will change with patience and time.

I'm trying hard to be patient but I'm an addict and patience with myself is not my strongest point. I keep trying though and that's the important thang.

So, after all that waffle; Today and just for today I'm grateful to be alive and sober

[Prudence]

Just going to throw out some random thoughts.. things I have picked up on my journey..

"If you don't take of your business, your business will take care or you."

"Get out of your own way" "Leave yourself alone."

I know for me, rearranging my home helped . I drank in the same spot, in the same room, looking at the same pictures on the same wall. I had to change the view.. "nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Originally Posted by Prudence

Just going to throw out some random thoughts.. things I have picked up on my journey..

"If you don't take of your business, your business will take care or you."

"Get out of your own way" "Leave yourself alone."

I know for me, rearranging my home helped . I drank in the same spot, in the same room, looking at the same pictures on the same wall. I had to change the view.. "nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Ta ever so much Pru *kotc*

All very true. The first two are probably more easily achievable than the last oddly. I have taken care of some of the 'business' that needed doing this week. Next week I resolve to tackle the other three bits of 'business' that need tackling. Two of them are only phone-calls, one of which may lead to a real bit of hassle but I have to do it or I'll have nothing to live on.

The third: Not so easy without help and we're crap at asking for help aren't we? I can't get away from the same place for now as my desk is so large...I think having a whole sense missing helps make it not a bad place to be. I drank all over the house so there really is no place to 'get away' from it. I don't actually find it too much of a problem PTL (Praise the Lord - I know I'll use the acronym again so this first time I'll explain )

Thanks again for you wisdom and experience.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 18

THIN ICE




The ice is brittle, transparent and breaking away. I brace for destruction, turmoil and frigid descent. I am stuck in my topside thinking and can not realize the chance for freedom the cracking expanse promises. I am an oceanic creature. I can escape my watery bonds with the splitting of the ice. Trapped in a hole I keep open only through the friction of my unrest, I am kept from the community of life to which I belong. My reflection mixes with my view of the sky and I forget my place, forget my name, forget how I have come to be trapped here. The pining after what is not mine to have has brought me to this thin edge. I must break through to be who I am; in doing so I shatter the illusion of who I thought I was. Zeal to zenith I must move away from the phantasm and mockery and take refuge in what I am.


Remember your genius.

*

Hiding
“Defeat is what you make of it,” says my sponsor.
“Fighting a thousand secret battles
when you claim that you want peace is not right.
The agony of defeat is when you keep on fighting.
There is no honor in waving the white flag,
but never laying down your arms.”
“I can’t just give them up
they have been in the family for years,”
my whining retort.
“I’m sure they have, darling, I’m sure they have,
and haven’t done any of you a lick of good either,”
her smug reply.

“They are good for sabotage,”
I begin my running start at her.
“Sabotage is something you only do to yourself,
because who else can you really sabotage?
Who do you really hate enough other than you?”
“My hobby is denying that you know.”
“Yes, and sweet lot of good it does you,

The war rages within you
and outside you say it’s harmony,
no matter all the signs of discord.”

“And if I were to really give up. If, I were really tired enough,
how can I insure my safety?”
I asked with my hands nearly in the air.

“Tell the truth, even if it’s only to yourself.
Put space between you and weapons of mass destruction.
Oh, and make sure you surrender to a friend.”

Day 20

My word don't the days build up...just not quickly enough; although there was a time in the very recent past where I couldn't even manage one day. Who wants to run before they can even walk huh? *puts hand up*

I must have consumed over 6/7 litres of liquid yesterday

After playing the addict fear, avoidance, self-hating game (posting here mostly) for most of the day yesterday and intermittently staring at a blank Word document I got myself along to an early evening meeting which is about 400yards from my front door - how cool is that? There was only 4 of us and a rather noisy child (I was the only person who doesn't have kids and found it really hard to shut out the racket he made all through the meeting but stuck in there anyway). I shared about how many benders this particular essay has led me to indulge in and how I'm still doing the same thing but sober. It's sick, sick thinking; something to beat myself up about but then I remember that I'm only just about 3 weeks sober and the first week of that was spent flat out in bed sleeping for 20hrs a day.

One of the guys at the meeting had really thought about my essay question as I'd mentioned it on Wednesday. We had a great conversation about it and he challenged me to go home and put down some words, any relevant words, on virtual paper. Walking the 400 yrds home was enough time to have a wee chatette with God and ask for some words. No bargaining though; no if you do this for me I'll do 'that' - God doesn't make bargains. I managed 106 words! Better than nothing and I'm grateful that my Word document is no long blank.

I need to email my wonderfully supportive 'kick-yer-butt-lady' today and let her know what's going on.

I was a good lil addict again last night and switched off my computer at 12.30am and went to bed to rest even if sleep didn't come for a while. I'm rather liking making this a regular routine, it feels 'normal' - jeepers I've never aspired to be 'normal', how bizarre.

Today, I'm really grateful to be sober.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 19

LIFE IS UNFAIR




Assuring myself I will not be permitted through the gate, I walk the perimeter, assessing the fence, looking for a place to exploit, a wire slightly high. Trying to look graceful, I duck under the fence, telling myself I prefer life on the edge. The water is less dangerous here on the fringe; I wouldn’t want to be swept away. I stay clear of my peers. I stand in the baby pool and feel confident I won’t drown, brushing from my conscience that I won’t swim either.
Struggling to the top of the pile or scurrying underneath is a blatant lack of humility. Skirting the margin is the same. Facing life and finding it unfair, I take to the world of exception and hope to slip through the cracks to a life of safety. In that act I discount my talent and ability. Worst of all, I disconnect from God.


Toy with your thoughts, play with your food.
*


Jenny

Though ignorance may be bliss,
living in the shadow of someone else’s
ignorance is sheer hell.
The confusion is bad, but the lies are worse.

Want to cripple a child for life
give it to a well meaning fool
who has the rule book to the wrong board game,

That child will grow to need crutches they don’t make
and medicine they can’t brew.
Dependent on misguided insanity the child will require
a miracle cure and may lack the ability to ingest it.

Best case scenario the kid makes a brave escape
into a world she can barely comprehend,
worse case she turns the rule book upside down
and reads it backwards to her own unfortunate brood.

Ignorance is always a twilight proposition,
half agreement the other half handcuffed nightmare.
Full consent is by necessity impossible
while blameless innocents is similarly unachievable.

The only suggestion I can make
from this side of the looking glass
is to pick your poison and plan your getaway.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 20

TIME IS HERE TO STAY





I have passed my days emptying them like breadcrumbs onto a trail of rescue. Expecting them to facilitate redemption, and if not that, at least retreat, I release an audible sigh as I let each evening slip to the path behind me. The future I view as a cliff I am nearing. I hope to be ransomed before the edge. I plan carefully how to stay in sync with revision; things must be resolved and revert. But this is not the way. The past is there to be mined. Inert gold, as well as land mines, lingers beneath the surface; the days stream on. I am not nearing the limit; I am shrinking from hope. I turn my eyes from expectancy with a shudder. Deeply, I realize I must leave my fairytale life and walk away with my days in my pocket, a treasure that is mine to spend.


Tie a string around your hopes then let them go.


*

Katie’s Wish


Does G-d arrange for my parking spot,
foil the Colts opponents,
release the stains from my dry-cleaning?
Can I ask for the petty and pedantic?

All One G-d Faith,
reads the side of the soap bottle,
but really is there only one?

Like Santa? The Tooth Fairy? OZ?
Is my life better or worse for the whimsy?
How would I know? Why would I care?

As long as I live with what I get most times,
it truly is okay to ask for what I want sometimes,
I mean hell, the Superbowl is only once a year.
I’m allowed to be unreasonable and happy.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 21

THE TEAM



The dream sobriety I envision, the fantasy recovery I mentally construct, blows out to sea as so much mist in the face of actual life. Setting out sports teams, which don’t exist, is playful and entertaining. Trying to rebuild the principals of the program is a delusion I can drink over. Finessing my network, and pretending I can put together my team on a basis of specialized talents instead of ground level willingness, is like designing a plane without regard to physics, playing only to aesthetics. Anytime I am redesigning I must realize I am no longer participating. If I keep my head in the game, I can stay away from statistics and stop planning outcomes.


Shade your life from undo exposure.
*

Word Comprehension


There were scads and scores of words
that I had at my command.
I could command them that was a fact;
comprehend them that was an illusion.

My sponsor had every confidence in me
and started my word comprehension lessons
with the tough ones first:
“No,” she would ask,
“What don’t you understand the Nnnnnn part
or the OHhhhhh part?”
Took me sometime to catch on to words deep as that.

Serenity that I learned through living Braille.
Learned it like any hungry child, by taste.
Learned it like learning the ocean as you swim in it.
Serenity is my ballast and my bail,

As for peace, all I can say is:
No comprehension, no peace;
know comprehension, know peace.

Day 22

Wow! I'm loving this getting into a healthy sleeping routine thang. To be fair, I was so exhausted after 6 hours on a coach (total) to spend 3hrs in the freezing cold at Richard Arkwright's first water-powered spinning mill yesterday that I fell into deep sleep with no problems at all at around midnight, as I had the night before. What was the biggest surprise of yesterday was waking and getting up at 7am...this is not something that I'm used to at all but it was easy. I'm still in shock! I slept so well last night that I woke just before 9am feeling well rested and ready for the day...jeepers I haven't had that feeling in an awfully long time. Didn't get half so much liquid as I needed yesterday so today I shall load up.

I missed acupuncture yesterday; I was so grateful to still have the 'seed's in. I will be going for the ear needles today and then I go to visit with the Blackpool Alcohol Team, who are the 'staying sober' folks and the next step on from the 'getting sober' folks in our local addict services.

I have given myself this next week to put a lot of prayer and effort into creating a really positive self talk so that I might finally get this multi-bender essay over and done with. Wish me luck.

I'm so bloody grateful to be sober today and thankful to have somewhere to come write about it where folks 'get' it.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Day 22

Wow! I'm loving this getting into a healthy sleeping routine thang. To be fair, I was so exhausted after 6 hours on a coach (total) to spend 3hrs in the freezing cold at Richard Arkwright's first water-powered spinning mill yesterday that I fell into deep sleep with no problems at all at around midnight, as I had the night before. What was the biggest surprise of yesterday was waking and getting up at 7am...this is not something that I'm used to at all but it was easy. I'm still in shock! I slept so well last night that I woke just before 9am feeling well rested and ready for the day...jeepers I haven't had that feeling in an awfully long time. Didn't get half so much liquid as I needed yesterday so today I shall load up.

I missed acupuncture yesterday; I was so grateful to still have the 'seed's in. I will be going for the ear needles today and then I go to visit with the Blackpool Alcohol Team, who are the 'staying sober' folks and the next step on from the 'getting sober' folks in our local addict services.

I have given myself this next week to put a lot of prayer and effort into creating a really positive self talk so that I might finally get this multi-bender essay over and done with. Wish me luck.

I'm so bloody grateful to be sober today and thankful to have somewhere to come write about it where folks 'get' it.

I am so delighted!! Day 22, such a wonderful number!!!

What the hell are they having you write about Munich??? Sounds like this thing is quite a twist in the knickers for you. I wish you happy pancake day! and ease with your writing.

I had a very brave day yesterday, maybe today is your day. I made my first book digitally available, I have been stalled on this for a very long time, but yesterday it all came together and I got the notification this morning that it all worked!

Hugs,

Sherrie

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

I am so delighted!! Day 22, such a wonderful number!!!

What the hell are they having you write about Munich??? Sounds like this thing is quite a twist in the knickers for you. I wish you happy pancake day! and ease with your writing.

I had a very brave day yesterday, maybe today is your day. I made my first book digitally available, I have been stalled on this for a very long time, but yesterday it all came together and I got the notification this morning that it all worked!

Hugs,

Sherrie

Wooohoooo Sherrie, that is fantastic! *hugs* Very well done on being so brave. You're an inspiration. We're far too skilled at procrastinating about good stuffs for ourselves aren't we?

22 is a wonderful palindromic number. What do they call it at 'bingo'...Two little ducks I believe

Yup Munich, the title of which is, Who 'won' at Munich Hitler or Chamberlain? has caused serious 'knicker knotting'. The tutor who's set it studied under AJP Taylor and is Mr.Academia. I'm having serious 'performance issues' over it and as I said, have had numerous benders over it. I need to swallow the fear of judgement and just do it.

I was feeling soooooo good today even despite getting to the acupuncture venue and it being called off; hopefully it will be on again tomorrow. I'm just glad I left my 'seeds' stuck on for now.

Then I rolls up to the 'staying sober' place and was let into the group room and immediately introduced by my birth and my usual name. I was livid and said so as I'd asked the guy to use Scooby last week. I didn't deal with it particularly well but not particularly badly either. A couple of months ago I would have told him 'F*ck you mate' and left the building. Instead I found a seat and settled into the session but I was still so very angry. I'm glad to say that when I explained properly about why I was so angry I got an apology...this guy also calls all female bodied people 'ladies'

Anyhoo, I'm a happy chappy again and still stoked to be sober.

ps. I won't be doing pancakes.

Day 23

Oh my giddy aunt I feel like crap today. I went to bed at what I still consider a reasonable hour, midnight, and was asleep within half an hour. I had the weirdest dream of which I was aware during in it that it was disturbing me in a really bad way but I couldn't stop it. I don't feel rested at all this morning. I was running from bad people all night. At least I dream nowadays, as an active addict I rarely dreamt, or at least I never remembered them, my brain was so numb. Here's hoping for happy dreams tonight.

In other news; I don't know if acupuncture is going to happen again today, I hope Josie is ok and not too poorly but I will still be attending the 'staying sober' folks.

I'll probably go to the meeting tonight...it's a rotten rainy, windy day so I'll phone my class-mate for a lift - not something I often do as I like to be in control of when I arrive and leave places.

On a brighter note, I managed to find a little concentration to do a little work on Munich last night. A tiny bit of progress is better than none at all.

I'm so grateful to be sober

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 22

SAFETY IN MY CHAIR



Sometimes I have to sit with my knees tucked up under my chin. My feet can’t touch the floor at these moments. I hug my legs to me, I feel contained but somehow adrift in my chair. I center my mind on breath and pulse. Pure fear flits and flutters while I gain my composure. When I feel safe enough to put one foot down, then the other, and connect with the world again, I am leaving home to embark on this earthly trek. The journey is there for me every day but some days I curl up in my chair.


Complement your feet with your shoes.


*

Patricide

I never killed my father.
Why finish a job that
someone is completing all on his own.

It’s not that I didn’t wish him dead;
I did and do for that matter.
Don’t misunderstand me,
I wish him no harm,

It’s just that he is like a creature so tortured
that he is nothing but a danger and a misery.
Left to live he is a hazard to everyone
he has contact with, an agony to live inside.

What can I wish for him,
but departure and rest,
something he can never give to himself.

I don’t plot, don’t scheme,
I only know; know in part,
the terrible lie he lives
and hurt he drags from place to place

Acting like it is not there and nothing matters;
let’s just get by. So, if he is not dead he should be.

He is the embodiment of the hurtful impotent god
and I don’t kill that man
but I kill the image, perish that thought.

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

February 22

SAFETY IN MY CHAIR

Sometimes I have to sit with my knees tucked up under my chin. My feet can’t touch the floor at these moments. I hug my legs to me, I feel contained but somehow adrift in my chair. I center my mind on breath and pulse. Pure fear flits and flutters while I gain my composure. When I feel safe enough to put one foot down, then the other, and connect with the world again, I am leaving home to embark on this earthly trek. The journey is there for me every day but some days I curl up in my chair.

.

Thanks for always writing just right.


Sitting in my rocker for the day may be just the thing I need.
Life and death at my door, the old and the new, memories, and the feeling that I am living on the edge of my seat. I step off not knowing what the next dive bombing bird will drop in front of me, on me, or just leave pinned to my door.

FedEx notice taped on my window. "Needs signature. Will leave on Porch. FedEx will not be responsible for lost or damaged..etc.etc.." If I stay home from work and sit in my rocker, the package will be safe, but will I.

For today, oatmeal and almonds, oranges and java, and going to work will take getting out of my chair. A presentation to 70 big business strangers this afternoon about what they must to do to stay out of trouble , their opine and displeasure to follow~~ and I will be thinking about my feet off the floor, curling up safely at home.

Sober and clean one more day. and maybe a FedEx surprise when I return.

Have a good day everyone, and thanks for keeping the light on.

Tommi

Day 24

Pleased to report that there was no nightmare last night. However, I got nearly 8hrs sleep and still feel knackered but not half so badly as yesterday. I know it's early days in recovery and that this is 'normal'. My body is still recovering and repairing itself.

In other news it was a cracking meeting last night. Apart from when I surprised myself and made a little confession to another member that I'd never met before that I wasn't totally abstinent. That member dropped me like a hot brick. Quelle surprise.

So, I've made this confession to another member so I shall make the same one to you lot.

Here beginneth the justification ...I don't eat sugar, live on caffeine drinks, smoke tobacco or drink alcohol but I still have a teeny tiny bit of pot on a bong some but not every evening. I take strong painkillers which I hate due to having a broken body. A couple of small bowls, because I actually don't like being too stoned, in an evening means I don't necessarily have to have those damnable painkillers and my body gets to relax a little. I'm not saying that for others this is the right path but I can personally live with it.

I know for some other addicts this means that my sobriety isn't 'real' and that, God willing, my 30 days recovery from alcohol dependence on leap year day next week, won't count. It is why I always say I'm grateful to be sober but I never say clean. This also means that I shan't be asking for my 30day NA key fob. So be it. If folks want to judge me for this then that is their problem. I won't judge them so harshly for surviving on caffeine, tobacco and chocolate..

I'm glad I've 'confessed' because the programme is about honesty but I feel like crap having done so and have properly killed my own buzz at being sober.

Ok, yes I'm a bad addict...gimme your worst.

Despite feeling like crap about this, for now, I am so very grateful to be sober. Just for today

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 23

COMING TO THE TABLE



For many years, decades even, I stacked the table against myself and others. I piled the sacred next to trifles; I deposited item after item and built towers to confusion. After years of sobriety, I sorted the piles in earnest. I made a place for myself at the table. It is amazing what I can accomplish with a seat and a surface. Over months, tediously separating the needed from the useless, I made a place for others at the table. There is a whole world of life I had missed while trying to keep myself safe from unrealistic expectations---expectations of who I am and what I can do, what I should do and who I should do it for.
Having strong boundaries and a clean table is like a homecoming. I am coming home to me. The good games and happy meals had at this table are unexpected and surely welcome. The wall I built held good times at bay because I could not keep the flood of trash from spilling in from every direction. I had to learn to hold my head up before I could look around.


Invent a new language to talk to yourself in.
*

Ace

Like an ace in my pocket
step one is the beginning
and end of my step work.

This step carries the high and low count;
its rise is so near to the ground
I didn’t have to lift my chin to clear it
as I crawled my way in here,

Its appeal so exalted that it is all I hear
when I finish the twelfth
and am on my way back around.
the high and low of any hand.

Plus the card I keep up my sleeve for emergencies.
The greatest blessing is I don’t need four of a kind,
not even a pair; as long as I have step one.

I am guaranteed a full house, full heart and full life
between you and me that’s just how I like it.