Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[girl_dee]

Also if you have kids involved, that could influence things. Maybe for me the relationship/breakup was painful and i just don't want that energy in my life.

[BullDog]

Currently I am not really friends with any of my exes, but I have been friends with some of them in the past. Others I haven't wanted to speak to ever again after things ended.

I have one ex that at first we did keep in some contact. It wasn't a good relationship and didn't end too well. After a while I didn't feel she was being respectful of me and didn't want to continue the friendship. I asked her not to contact me anymore. She honored my request.

One of my exes was my partner for 12 years. I made the decision to break up. She is a great person and always treated me well. The passion was just not there for either one of us. When I moved out and got a place of my own I had a party. I felt weird about inviting her but also weird about not inviting her. So I did ask her but said I would totally understand if she didn't want to come. Well she came to my party and met a friend of a friend. They started dating and have been together ever since. It's been about 10 years. Lesbian cliche I guess, lol. Actually among my lesbian friends it is quite common for people to be friends with their exes.

[genghisfawn]

I've discovered a few circumstances:

1) You can be friends because there was no romantic chemistry but you got along beautifully otherwise;

2) A friendship is possible until either one of you gets a jealous partner;

3) There's no way you'd have that person as a friend simply because they've proven that they're not good at the things that make a friend (honesty, compassion, loyalty, etc.)

My only recommendation is to tread carefully and don't become friends if either of you still have feelings. Ex sex is awkward. Good luck!

[girl_dee]

Being honest about the ex relationship is crucial.

If you are not up front about all of it and respect boundaries, the new love of your life may have reason to be *jealous*.

[SugarFemme]

The way I see it, if you have loved someone enough at one time to become partners, love them enough to have a successful break-up unless there was violence or dishonesty. I prefer to leave a relationship before we get to the point where we can no longer tolerate one another. My daughters Father and I have been divorced for fourteen years and have remained very close. Doesn't mean we have not had our our "moments", but for the most part we are still close.

[Mr Nice Guy]

I tried but it didn't work.

[Queerasfck]

I'm not friends with any of my exes but if I could say something to one of them it would be that I do want my George Foreman portable gas grill back.

I'll never get over that!

[WolfyOne]

I haven't read all the posts

I do agree with Snowy

I'm friends with some of my exes. We started out as friends and ended our relationships on a good note, so why not continue the friendship. Often, I find that I make a better friend than a partner. I have fallen in love 3 times in my life and only one of those 3 could be trusted 100%. Her and I will be friends til the end. Some exes aren't even worth looking back and thinking about. Those would be the toxic ones. The ones that suck you dry while your eyes are open, but you're not fully aware of what's going on until it's too late. Never stay friends with an ex like that.

Ultimately, in the end, it's up to you. You can soak up all the responses you've got from us, do what your gut tells you or listen to your head and heart. There's always a reason why someone comes back into our lives. Don't judge, just listen and then decide. Decide if you're just in her life long enough to help her with her problem or if a true friendship can be had.

Good Luck to you Cuddles

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Cuddles

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

You considering this while being 'lonely' is like going to the grocery store when you're hungry.

Be careful!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Cuddles

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

Just knowing the little bit that we've been told here, I think that's probably a wise decision. Good for you for recognizing your tendency to rescue others and to be able to sit back and look at your options and past histories and talking with her recently in order to come to a decision that's best for you.