Parker's Pad

Parker · 03-16-2012, 05:55 AM

Sometimes when I am watching TV and I see how agile people are with the running, jumping, playing ball, hiking, and hell, even just squatting and getting back up - all so easily and without pain - I find myself envying them.

I used to be that active - playing softball, women's contact football, volleyball, going hiking, canoeing, climbing up and down helicopters in the Navy, going for long walks (I used to walk for hours) or even a run ....

I miss it. I miss being able to move without pain. I miss being able to kneel, squat, or even sit on the floor and be able to get back up without any effort whatsoever. I miss playing ball -- softball season is here and I wish more than anything that I could join a team and play. I would also really love to be able to try out for the women's contact football team here - I couldnt believe how much fun that was back in the day.

But mostly, I would love to be able to just go for a hike in the woods somewhere ... walking on a blanket of leaves and pine needles, under a canopy of trees ... damn, I miss that.

gaea · 03-16-2012, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Parker

Sometimes when I am watching TV and I see how agile people are with the running, jumping, playing ball, hiking, and hell, even just squatting and getting back up - all so easily and without pain - I find myself envying them.

I used to be that active - playing softball, women's contact football, volleyball, going hiking, canoeing, climbing up and down helicopters in the Navy, going for long walks (I used to walk for hours) or even a run ....

I miss it. I miss being able to move without pain. I miss being able to kneel, squat, or even sit on the floor and be able to get back up without any effort whatsoever. I miss playing ball -- softball season is here and I wish more than anything that I could join a team and play. I would also really love to be able to try out for the women's contact football team here - I couldnt believe how much fun that was back in the day.

But mostly, I would love to be able to just go for a hike in the woods somewhere ... walking on a blanket of leaves and pine needles, under a canopy of trees ... damn, I miss that.

some of us take it for granted how easily we can move around. Im so sorry you deal with this.

when i first started having severe pain in my neck and arm later to learn it was nerve damage, my ability to play pool was taken away...i was angry i was angry that it hurt to do what i loved to do..so i took my time and i played anyway i played through the pain of it all even sometimes suffering major migraines just to play..in 6 years it has taken me from being able to only play a few shots to several games ina row..

in essence...

baby steps if you can. i know the difficulties in what it takes ot push past the pain however it can be done one step at a time.

Parker · 03-26-2012, 06:11 AM

I always hated my name when I was growing up: Deborah.

There isnt anything wrong with the name itself, it just always felt wrong on me somehow - like it belonged to someone else and I as just borrowing it or something.

Debbie.
Little Debbie.
Debbie Does Dallas.

God, how I hated being called Debbie.

Even when I got older and I would introduce myself as Deborah, people would look right at me, shake my hand, and say, "nice to meet you, Debbie."

Ugh.

Later still, as I became more comfortable in my butch skin and I realized it was ok to be masculine and woman at the same time, the name became almost unbearable.

Picture this masculine butch woman sitting in a waiting room waiting to be called in to see a doctor or for an interview and someone comes out with a clip board. They read off my name, "Deborah" and then stand there, waiting. I stand up and walk toward them and get to watch them as they continually look down at their clip board and then back up at me - clearly not making the connection that (a) I am not a man and (b) my name is, in fact, Deborah.

It especially sucked when it was for a job interview because I had a great resume and a female name, but I was a butch dyke and we can always tell what other people are thinking when they get "that look" as they look us up and down - they either arent fast or good enough at hiding said "look."

This wasnt why I changed my name, of course, just an illustration of part of why I disliked the name so much.

It took me years to decide it was "ok" to change my name even though I wasnt and never wanted to transition into a man - for a long time, in my mind, I felt like it just wasnt allowed; that you are given this name when you are born and you are stuck with it for life.

Eventually, in my mid-30s, I talked myself into it and decided it was ok - I was giving myself permission .... but then I had to decide on a name because, kinda like a tattoo, this name would be permanent, so I'd better dan well like it!

I wanted something more gender neutral - something either women or men could use and I had always liked the name Parker - it just felt right. Then when I found out its meaning (park keeper), it felt even more "right" because I have always had an affinity for trees.

Great - so I had a first name ... but should I then change my last name?

The answer came from deep inside with a decision I made a long time ago when I thought I was straight and that I would marry a man when I grew up: that I would not take my husband's name because that felt like ownership to me.

Then it hit me: I already had a man's name - my father's last name. So should I take my mom's maiden name? Crap - that's a man's name as well, her father's.

It seemed that no matter which way I turned to look at the names in my family tree, they were all names which belonged to men - so I decided to pick my own last name.

Along with trees, I have always had an affinity for wolves as well - this is very hard to explain, but since most people have an affinity for one animal or another, I probably dont have to try.

I struggled for a short time with using that name - I didnt want anyone to think I was trying to appropriate anything/one/culture - but I really loved how the two names came together and just sort of rolled off of the tongue ... after standing in front of a mirror and saying both names together, it sounded right - I had a name that "fit."

The actual changing was easy - about $100, a filled out form, and a couple of hours in the local courthouse and I was "official."

Interestingly, people seem to like the name - some people love it so much, they say my full name every time they see me. People from my past had a hard time of it at first - especially my mom because it hurt her feelings to have one of her children change the name she gave them - but after a while, they see how good of a fit it is.

I do have a few problems now and then because Parker is a very popular surname so a lot of people think my name is Wolf Parker. Also, even though the name Parker can and is used for both women and men, I think adding the name Wolf on the end may have added a masculinizing (did I just make that word up?) effect for some people because when dealing with written correspondence, I get "Mr." about 40% of the time

But all-in-all, I think I made a good decision - and the right one for me. When I talk to people who have only known me with this name and tell them what my name used to be, they look at me funny and say, "that doesnt sound like you" or "that just doesnt fit you" and I have to laugh to myself because it took me so damn long to figure that out.

Parker · 03-27-2012, 02:10 PM

This, unfortunately, could be my last season on a motorcycle.

I just dont have the strength to deal with it anymore (it's a 2001 Suzuki Marauder 800 and about 450lbs) - I cant hold it up without straddling it or without the kickstand down - forget about picking it up if I drop it - and it is even getting harder and harder to roll it in and out of its shed.

So, I decided to sell it right after Pride - one more Dykes on Bikes run and then I will part with her.

Someone suggested getting a smaller bike - maybe a 450-600cc - he is a older man who is small in stature and he said he couldnt give up riding, so he just gave up riding the bigger bikes.

I figure if I want to keep riding, it will probably either be that or a trike - and I cant afford a trike! lol

We'll see .....

03-26-2012, 06:11 AM	#3
Parker Timed Out - Permanent How Do You Identify?: Butch. Lesbian. Dyke. Woman. Female. Preferred Pronoun?: She, of course! Relationship Status: Content Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Small Town Life Posts: 2,880 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,858 Thanked 11,727 Times in 2,429 Posts Rep Power: 0	Name Change I always hated my name when I was growing up: Deborah. There isnt anything wrong with the name itself, it just always felt wrong on me somehow - like it belonged to someone else and I as just borrowing it or something. Debbie. Little Debbie. Debbie Does Dallas. God, how I hated being called Debbie. Even when I got older and I would introduce myself as Deborah, people would look right at me, shake my hand, and say, "nice to meet you, Debbie." Ugh. Later still, as I became more comfortable in my butch skin and I realized it was ok to be masculine and woman at the same time, the name became almost unbearable. Picture this masculine butch woman sitting in a waiting room waiting to be called in to see a doctor or for an interview and someone comes out with a clip board. They read off my name, "Deborah" and then stand there, waiting. I stand up and walk toward them and get to watch them as they continually look down at their clip board and then back up at me - clearly not making the connection that (a) I am not a man and (b) my name is, in fact, Deborah. It especially sucked when it was for a job interview because I had a great resume and a female name, but I was a butch dyke and we can always tell what other people are thinking when they get "that look" as they look us up and down - they either arent fast or good enough at hiding said "look." This wasnt why I changed my name, of course, just an illustration of part of why I disliked the name so much. It took me years to decide it was "ok" to change my name even though I wasnt and never wanted to transition into a man - for a long time, in my mind, I felt like it just wasnt allowed; that you are given this name when you are born and you are stuck with it for life. Eventually, in my mid-30s, I talked myself into it and decided it was ok - I was giving myself permission .... but then I had to decide on a name because, kinda like a tattoo, this name would be permanent, so I'd better dan well like it! I wanted something more gender neutral - something either women or men could use and I had always liked the name Parker - it just felt right. Then when I found out its meaning (park keeper), it felt even more "right" because I have always had an affinity for trees. Great - so I had a first name ... but should I then change my last name? The answer came from deep inside with a decision I made a long time ago when I thought I was straight and that I would marry a man when I grew up: that I would not take my husband's name because that felt like ownership to me. Then it hit me: I already had a man's name - my father's last name. So should I take my mom's maiden name? Crap - that's a man's name as well, her father's. It seemed that no matter which way I turned to look at the names in my family tree, they were all names which belonged to men - so I decided to pick my own last name. Along with trees, I have always had an affinity for wolves as well - this is very hard to explain, but since most people have an affinity for one animal or another, I probably dont have to try. I struggled for a short time with using that name - I didnt want anyone to think I was trying to appropriate anything/one/culture - but I really loved how the two names came together and just sort of rolled off of the tongue ... after standing in front of a mirror and saying both names together, it sounded right - I had a name that "fit." The actual changing was easy - about $100, a filled out form, and a couple of hours in the local courthouse and I was "official." Interestingly, people seem to like the name - some people love it so much, they say my full name every time they see me. People from my past had a hard time of it at first - especially my mom because it hurt her feelings to have one of her children change the name she gave them - but after a while, they see how good of a fit it is. I do have a few problems now and then because Parker is a very popular surname so a lot of people think my name is Wolf Parker. Also, even though the name Parker can and is used for both women and men, I think adding the name Wolf on the end may have added a masculinizing (did I just make that word up?) effect for some people because when dealing with written correspondence, I get "Mr." about 40% of the time But all-in-all, I think I made a good decision - and the right one for me. When I talk to people who have only known me with this name and tell them what my name used to be, they look at me funny and say, "that doesnt sound like you" or "that just doesnt fit you" and I have to laugh to myself because it took me so damn long to figure that out.

03-16-2012, 05:55 AM	#1
Parker Timed Out - Permanent How Do You Identify?: Butch. Lesbian. Dyke. Woman. Female. Preferred Pronoun?: She, of course! Relationship Status: Content Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Small Town Life Posts: 2,880 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,858 Thanked 11,727 Times in 2,429 Posts Rep Power: 0	Sometimes when I am watching TV and I see how agile people are with the running, jumping, playing ball, hiking, and hell, even just squatting and getting back up - all so easily and without pain - I find myself envying them. I used to be that active - playing softball, women's contact football, volleyball, going hiking, canoeing, climbing up and down helicopters in the Navy, going for long walks (I used to walk for hours) or even a run .... I miss it. I miss being able to move without pain. I miss being able to kneel, squat, or even sit on the floor and be able to get back up without any effort whatsoever. I miss playing ball -- softball season is here and I wish more than anything that I could join a team and play. I would also really love to be able to try out for the women's contact football team here - I couldnt believe how much fun that was back in the day. But mostly, I would love to be able to just go for a hike in the woods somewhere ... walking on a blanket of leaves and pine needles, under a canopy of trees ... damn, I miss that.

03-27-2012, 02:10 PM	#4
Parker Timed Out - Permanent How Do You Identify?: Butch. Lesbian. Dyke. Woman. Female. Preferred Pronoun?: She, of course! Relationship Status: Content Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Small Town Life Posts: 2,880 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,858 Thanked 11,727 Times in 2,429 Posts Rep Power: 0	This, unfortunately, could be my last season on a motorcycle. I just dont have the strength to deal with it anymore (it's a 2001 Suzuki Marauder 800 and about 450lbs) - I cant hold it up without straddling it or without the kickstand down - forget about picking it up if I drop it - and it is even getting harder and harder to roll it in and out of its shed. So, I decided to sell it right after Pride - one more Dykes on Bikes run and then I will part with her. Someone suggested getting a smaller bike - maybe a 450-600cc - he is a older man who is small in stature and he said he couldnt give up riding, so he just gave up riding the bigger bikes. I figure if I want to keep riding, it will probably either be that or a trike - and I cant afford a trike! lol We'll see .....