Abuse in butch-femme relationships

[Gráinne]

Would you want your daughter or sister to be treated like that?

I'm here to tell you that if you go back, there's only one end. Find therapy, and get out. Love isn't supposed to hurt.

[Electrocell]

Found this on yahoo.


By Chelsea Kaplan
Share: Email Facebook Twitter MySpace StumbleUpon reddit Digg There’s no such thing as a relationship without challenges. However, some stumbling blocks are merely garden-variety annoyances, while others are bona fide deal-breakers. If you’re on the fence about which category your gripes belong in and whether or not they’re worth enduring, consider the advice of Lundy Bancroft and Jac Patrissi, authors of Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can — and Should — Be Saved. Below, they offer five ways to know whether your romance is doomed or likely to go the distance.

1. Consider how you and your partner resolve conflicts
In all relationships, partners experience periods when they need to express their disappointment and/or disagreement. “These periods are characterized by a sense of vulnerability, and they are difficult,” says Patrissi. “Yet, though relationships may get very difficult, you will know that they are working and healthy because each time you navigate these difficulties — and you will, countless times — you are growing closer and developing ways of being together that work for both of you.” Browse Local Singles at Match.com on Yahoo!
In an unhealthy relationship (i.e., one that really isn’t working), when you hit those periods of conflict, you’ll notice either right away or soon enough that you are not a team struggling for mutual well-being, Patrissi says. Unsure about whether you and your partner are have an unhealthy conflict resolution approach? When you argue, does it become about who can win and/or who can hurt the other more effectively, or does one (or both) of you become explosive or cruel? Is it characterized by your partner thinking almost exclusively about what is good for him or her, not about what’s good for you or the relationship? If any of these statements ring true for you, Patrissi says it’s probably a wise decision to get out.

2. Recognize the difference between irritating habits and deal-breakers
Patrissi says that some of the most troubling and potentially deal-breaking problems one can face with a partner are immaturity, addiction, unresolved or untreated mental health issues (including the after-effects of trauma, depression and personality disorders) and abusiveness: “Each one of these is a big ticket item, meaning it will likely cost you a great deal of emotional energy and time to be in a relationship with your partner and one of these issues. I know you want just your partner, but sometimes the partner doesn’t come without the issue. And that’s the heartbreaker.”

But is it a deal-breaker? That depends on a number of things, including where you are in your own life, where you are in your relationship, and what is safe and possible for you, explains Patrissi: “For example, you may have always known since childhood that if a partner was abusive to you — especially if he laid a hand on you in anger — that this was your deal-breaker. Yet if it happens, you will find yourself faced with many more ethical and practical questions that play into your decision-making than you had anticipated. Also, given your life history, you may decide that, no matter how much you love your partner, you don’t want to put so much energy into dealing with anything so consuming.”

3. Focus on yourself for a bit
Often, the easiest way to find clarity about your relationship involves shifting your focus away from it and to the center and joy of your own life instead. “In rediscovering what brings you joy, reinvesting in a daily routine that will support you, rediscovering some of the values you hold and creating a self-nurturing plan that includes skills for regulating your emotions when you feel out of sorts and creating a parenting-from-your-center plan if you have kids, you will create your own ‘no matter what happens’ life goals for yourself,” Patrissi explains.

Once you identify a couple of these life goals, you’ll enter into a process of addressing all the barriers to your own growth — some of which may involve your existing relationship. For example: You may realize that you are exhausted from coping with your partner’s issue; you may have poor financial health, which is a common consequence of destructive relationships; or, you may not be physically safe enough in the relationship to initiate moves toward investing in a routine that supports you — all of which should provide clear reasons why leaving your current relationship would be preferable to sticking around.

4. Think about the consequences of ending the relationship
When debating whether to leave or stay, Lundy advises first considering whether you’ve ever felt frightened of your partner. Has this person ever physically attacked you, or made you feel that he or she was on the verge of it? Has your partner ever forced you sexually? Has your partner said anything like, “You’d better not ever try to leave me” or anything similar that suggested he or she wanted you to be afraid of ending things? If your intuition tells you that your partner may have a volatile reaction, that’s a pretty good sign that walking away from your relationship is a good idea.

That said, it’s incredibly important to plan your exit carefully before doing so to ensure your safety, says Lundy: “Before telling your partner that you’re ending the relationship, figure out how you are going to get your belongings safely out of your place,” she advises. “Consider whether seeking a protective order might increase your safety, and deliver the news in a public place.” If you’re concerned that your partner may engage in self-harm, let key people in his or her life know that your relationship is ending — and that you are concerned about your partner’s welfare. “Once you’ve done that, you have to let go; your partner is responsible for his or her own choices, and you are not the cause of his or her deep misery,” Lundy says.

5. Imagine a life without your partner
Anyone can lose track of his or her identity in a relationship. “You may have put aside your own goals and dreams, lost track of your own favorite activities and closest friends, sacrificed your taste in music or movies, or altered your political beliefs,” says Lundy. “Though all this accommodating can help hold a relationship together, the price is too high; you vanish in your partner’s current.”

When you’re trying to decide whether staying in your relationship will be truly beneficial or not, ask yourself if you have remained true to who you really are during the time you’ve been with your partner, and what your life would look like if you were no longer together. Remember that having love, approval, kindness and appreciation for yourself is at least as important as getting it from someone else; if these feelings are impossible to have while in your current relationship, it’s time to get back into having a loving, supportive connection with yourself.

And as much as we all enjoy being in love, Lundy cautions against jumping right into seeing someone new: “Give yourself time to get the benefits of being alone and to work through the grief and anger you’re carrying from the relationship that just ended. Build resources into your life that will support you and help to fill the gap left by your partner’s absence. Make friendships a priority, especially with people you can really trust. If you have children, you now have an opportunity to spend significant extra time with them, focusing on having fun and feeling close.”

[LaneyDoll]

I am probably going to sound more tough than I intend and if it comes across that way, I do apologize.

End it.

I was in a relationship once (if you count approx 4-6 mos. as a "relationship") and things got physical. She and I were arguing one night and she ended up storming out in a fit of anger. After a few minutes she called me & said "I had to leave before I hit you." So, I replied "then you need to come back & get your things."

She & I were like fire & gasoline. Apart, we are fine, but together, we were volatile. Ironically, our paths still cross and we are friendly towards each other. I have a new policy now-you show me your potential for abuse (or cheating etc) and I will show you the door. First time-no second chances.

No one should endure abuse or the possibility for it. It is not worth it. No relationship, no amount of great sex, fabulous trinkets, or good times are worth the chance of getting hurt. THEN, you have to think, "if we have kids, will it transfer to them?"

I realize that she is in therapy and kudos to her for it. But I would rather be the reason someone got a wake up call & looked back sadly, than the reason my family got a call that woke them up sadly.

[wetfromashower]

Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, physical and emotional abuse it can leave deep and lasting scars… abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need… There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation… It Is Still Abuse If . . .
• The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
• The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely she will continue to physically assault you.
When people think of abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused… Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you… Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. She may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. She may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. She will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time.
• Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
• Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
• Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
• Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what she's done. She’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for her abusive behavior.
• Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything she can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. she may act as if nothing has happened, or she may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts her plan in motion, creating a situation where she can justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. she may make you believe that you are the only person who can help her, that things will be different this time, and that she truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

I've seen and heard some of my friends in these types of relationships... Some where lucky to still have a chance in life and some weren't... may those friends RIP... It's nothing to play with... This is your life we're talking about... I was one of the lucky ones... I as a Butch too was a victim long ago... I was in the relationship for six years... It took me six very long and abusive years to finally leave her... Don't be that person... turn around and walk away and never look back... This will effect you and any relationship you will have in the future... For a while I felt sooo embarrassed cause I let a Femme abuse me in the way she did and for as long as she did... She had that control and I give it to her... But I learned abuse came regardless of size, gender, or strength... Seriously Get Help and go talk to someone... I did and I was able to move forward... and if I can move forward you can too... As you can see there is a lot of caring people here willing to lend an ear and or a shoulder... Don't let that go to waste... Love and Believe in yourself and take the step to move forward and We're here to help any way we can.... May peace be with you...

[Morgan]

I know how difficult what you are going through is, I too at your age went through the same thing. I was 19 when I met my partner, she was 21 years my senior, we stayed together 3 years. She too promised it would not happen again, but in a drunken rage she would lash out and hit me...I am embarassed to say I believed her. She was much bigger than myself, I was small at the time, and she would overpower me. I am a butch, but it can happen to any of us. I watched as my mother was beaten by my stepfather when I was growing up. I knew it was wrong, but I stayed in my relationship, just as my mother had, hoping it would get better. I believed this woman was the one, she understood me and we shared so much, but I was mistaken....Leaving the relationship was the best thing I could have done. It was difficult and I felt so much love for her, but I cannot let someone hurt me or take a piece of me away. It took many years of therapy, but I learned from it and know I could never let that happen again.
Please get away from her....you do not deserve the hurt and the pain, she is not worth it, really. I will be 51 in a few days and I know from first hand experience it does get better....It really does.

[LaneyDoll]

Originally Posted by dancer611

I don't know how I'll meet another butch who meets all my emotional and physical and spiritual needs like she did, and like I did for her; who I can love as completely and connect to as deeply; who I can tell anything to without judgment; who will be interested in me and I in them, and we will both have eyes only for each other; who I can give my whole heart to and love unconditionally, and who will do the same for me. So, am I crazy? What can I do in this situation? Should I cut off contact with her? If we are meant to be, is it worth it at all to try to fix anything or continue in the future?

Originally Posted by dancer611

She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME.

Originally Posted by dancer611

So what on earth else was I supposed to do, if I'm not allowed to ever lay a hand on anyone?

I think that if you read back to the replies that I quoted, you will answer all of your questions.

You are not crazy. If someone was attacking you, there may not have been much you could do. Yes, you should cut off contact with her. Any relationship with violence is NOT worth continuing.

So what do you do now? Learn from it, move on and be the best you can be-for yourself. Once you have everything where it should be in your life, someone will come into it and make it better. You will see. This is a lesson you learned so take that knowledge and use it to benefit yourself.

I promise that you will not be alone; but for the time that you are, it is better to be alone than fearful.

[Lady_Di]

First of all kudos for you for sharing, that was very brave of you. And that is the beginning of your healing journey. ((((((dancer)))))

Love never dies, but it can be toxic nonetheless. Sometimes it may not work out. You owe it to yourself and your family, past present and future family to take care of yourself. For a change of pace...

There are many kinds of abuse in this big ole world. Live and learn, get the help, there is a lot out there. Access those resources which abound in pretty much every community, unless you are in Timbuktwo, though they probably have em too.

Great suggestions here. All I can say is nothing is ever black and white. The oddest thing about abusers is they can come off to the outside world as the most polite and gracious people on earth, they can seem to be very loving people. I am speaking from the experiences of those I have met that have been incarcerated for their brutal crimes. As a nurse we get to interact with these folks and it is unnerving that they are often times the easiest of our patient load. Down right respectful to us for the most part. Though again, it is not black and white.

I have rarely seen an abuser change it's spots. But I do think people can change, including you. And ultimately that is who you are responsible to and for. Change must happen. In fact if you are not changing, growing... you are stagnating and that is akin to death.

Live. It is a choice as to how you want to do that, who you want to have in your life, what sort of home, career, family you will have. What vocations, passions you will persue and keeping those around you who support you in whatever your endeavors may be.

Be strong and know you can get thru this. You have a ton of support here and in your real life community, I am quite certain of that.

Lean on us, continue to vent, problem solve, and continue this amazing journey of self discovery. Remember that sometimes from our pain, comes our finest triumphs, our biggest lessons.

Take Care,
Di

[Dude]

http://www.cchers.org/cap/about.html

please read link above
I chose this page because it shows what healthy relationships are like in comparison.

any form of abuse is a cycle
Control ,manipulation, threats, isolation can be just as painful as finding
yourself in a punching bag situation.

At 26, I met my dream woman. Beautiful ,perfect body,hot in the sack and dripping with charisma. There was not much I would not do for her.
I played chicken with a car ( she was threatening suicide), took a super heavy ,glass ashtray to the head, nearly got clocked and burnt with a frying pan full of hot grease, dodged a hot iron flying through the air, etc,etc.

The honeymoon (I'm so sorry, I will do whatever you want,I'll do treatment and therapy followed by romance for days and mindblowing sex) all kept me hooked, for nearly nine months.
She could charm the pants off of any butch ( for a minute) and last I heard all these years later is that she is still doing the exact same thing.

My self esteem was in the fucking gutter because I could not fix her.
I was too young to get that ,it was not my job.
Nothing I did was good enough and I never knew what I was coming home to.
My life was isolated because it was humuliating and no one would understand.
My escape route was my dog who spent more and more time cowering in the basement versus getting love from me/us/her (The crazy couple.)
I loved my dog and hated to see what it was doing to her.Later, I focused
on what it did to me.

When you question your own sanity, feel smothered, are manipulated by
suicide threats, embaressed by public scenes and never know what your
coming home to, you are in an emotionally, abusive relationship.
When your opinion or well being does not matter and is never up for consideration or a priority to that person, why are you still there?
When someone tries to burden the bulk of the realtionship on you to fix
and you are not allowed time for any self care, friends or pleasure time (of your choosing) accept it for what it is and get the hell out. That aint love.

[Breathless]

I am struggling with responding to your thread. When I read all that you wrote, my heart really went out to you, because I could hear my own bargaining, and excuses, when I too said those things to myself.

When I came out, many years ago, I met this woman. I fell head over heals in love with her, she too was my first. We spent crazy amounts of time together, I thought wow, how could I have been so lucky. She lived in California, and I in western Canada. She didnt look down on me for having children, which I assumed who the heck would want to be with a single mom of two young ones. After being together for about 6 months things started to change. She would anger so easily, and I would find myself trying to calm her down, and reassure her. She would accuse me of sleeping around, of having more than just a friendship with my ex husband, of fooling around at work with co workers in a sexual way, and the list goes on. She apologized over and over again, saying that it was the distance that was making her insecure. So she moved in with me, I sponsored her to move to Canada. It only got worse. I thought i was deserving of this, that in some way I made her feel this way and act this way, and if i would just shut my mouth and stop coaxing her that she wouldnt feel she had to get angry with me so much.
New Years eve 2001, I was working a double shift, 3-11 and then back in the morning for 7-3. When I came home, she was sitting at the computer, I could see that she was in a foul mood, and i just needed to try to get some sleep before going back to work in the am. I put on my pjs and climbed into bed. Few minutes later she walked in the room, and turned on the lights.. she had my son's meds in her hand, and commented that i shouldnt leave things like this laying around and proceeded to take the pills. I was angry, and i got out of bed and tried to take them from her. The next thing I knew I was pinned to the floor, she had fist fulls of my hair in her hands, she was telling me that I was worthless, that I was lucky that anyone loved me, and many many more horrible things. I couldnt get away from her, I was begging her to let me go. She was saying things like she and my ex husband had a talk.. and the truth was out, that I was a shitty wife, and that I was fat, ugly and a waste of skin. I told her with tears running down my face, that I couldnt live like this anymore, please just let me go, her words.. by morning you wont have to worry about that, wonder what your kids will think coming home to mom's blood all over these walls. I snapped. I started agreeing with her, telling her that she was right, she had always been right. She finally let go of my hair. We were then sitting on the floor, and she was still telling me how messed up i was, and that i was lucky to have her in my life.. I continued to agree with her, i went to stand up and she grabbed me by my hair again and back to the floor. I asked her if she was thirsty? She let go of my hair and stood and walked ahead of me, i turned and ran for the door, out to my car bare foot in the snow. She was right behind me.. Tried to start it, I was shaking so hard I had no coordination, got out of the drive way, and she was right behind me, she hit me twice with her car, trying to run me off the road, I just kept going, I pulled up to a friends house, jumped out of my still moving car and ran up the step and banged on the door. I was unrecognizable, they called the police.

The police laid attempted murder charges on her. She made a deal with the government, and was deported rather than have to face charges.

I cut all my hair off cause i couldn't even stand the feeling of brushing it.

Dancer, you are worth it! I can tell you for fact, that there are some really amazing butches out there who would rather rip their own hearts from their chest than ever lay a hand on you in anger. You teach people how to treat you, and the very moment that she got away with anything it made it the norm. It will happen again, trust me, it will if you let her back in your life. It took many years of councilling and therapy for me to deal with what she had done to me.

I googled my ex, out of morbid curiosity, she has since been charged and convicted of doing the same thing to someone else. Thankfully the State of California was not as lax as the Canadian government was.


Love yourself!

[Apocalipstic]

I agree with Theo.

Hitting another person is wrong!

There is some wonderful advice here. Some of it I needed.

[theoddz]

I think there are a plethora of good suggestions and comments here, but I have just one thing to add.

Several posters have said "You don't hit girls/women".

Well. It is my personal upbringing and steadfast belief that NO ONE should EVER be hitting anyone else, be they men/women/butches/femmes/whatever. There is never, EVER ANY excuse for being violent with another person. Mother taught my sister and me, very early in life, that if one person respects another, they will keep their hands off of them, and vice versa. (Mother is always right.)

If you feel the need to "reach out and touch someone" in anger, you need to step back, walk away, regroup and get yourself some coping skills. Life is full of problems, and there's never, ever, any excuse to hit someone else.....unless it's in self defense and simply walking away is not possible....as in "no escape route".

There are so many damaged people out there, but there are more good, decent, loving, intelligent folks who are healthy and well adjusted. The trick is in knowing who's who and avoiding the bad apples.

Good luck to you in finding your one and only heart's desire. Believe me, there's someone out there for you who will tread you like spun platinum!!!! Don't ever settle for less.

~Theo~