Abuse in butch-femme relationships

[Apocalipstic]

I agree with Theo.

Hitting another person is wrong!

There is some wonderful advice here. Some of it I needed.

[Scorp]

NEVER, EVER raise your hands to anyone else, UNLESS, you're defending yourself in an altercation.

Anyone who hits out of "possession of property", and anything else of that nature, other than a defense mechanism is a fucking COWARD....

THE END...

[Inked_Trinity]

Being retired law enforcement, I have seen the cycle, the pain and the damage. They never mean it, and of course they'll change.....BULLSHIT! Don't just walk away from this, RUN! Jagg said it best for me.

[Dominique]

I've never been in an abusive relationship. One (my first Butch) was sometimes cranky and too controlling, but she NEVER hit me.

I dated someone for awhile who made me crazy. Did you ever have crazy love? Seriously, did you? Well, this one was my crazy love. One night she made me so mad....I tore the coke-a-cola BEARS boxers right off of her, then kicked her in the ass. I was glad a few minutes later that I was bare footed when I swift kicked her.

To add insult to injury. I found out later, they were my boxers. I swear that butch made me nuts. Glad I wised up and got away from her. Because it was crazy love, it was hard to break it off.

Yes, therapy is imperative.

[CherylNYC]

Your ex will only keep hitting you. Don't go back to her. Ever. Not only should you not go back to your ex, you shouldn't get into a relationship with ANYONE right now. You say you hit your ex. Get therapy and don't even think about starting with a new girlfriend until you learn some good relationship models.

[Uli]

Please contact your local domestic violence shelter for support. When/if she figures out/feels like she can't get you back with sweetness and promises, you will very likely be in danger again.

This website will let you search for the shelter in your area: http://www.womenshelters.org/

All domestic violence shelters also offer non-residential services, such as support groups, individual counseling, and legal advocates.

[dancer611]

Possession of property??!

[Dude]

Originally Posted by dancer611

Possession of property??!

I believe , what that poster meant by that was

*"the love you to death" & "if I cant have you, no one else will" people
*controlling ,possessive folks who now own you( or feel like they do)

[Dude]

I read the opening post a few hours before I posted.
Somehow, ( I think brainwashing by society and who normally hits who sterio type bs)
I did not remember the part of you hitting her at all.
This would have definately changed my post, had I retained the whole story.

In my experience ,I was in such shock it was happening to me I was unable to
do much other than protect my head from getting pummeled or dodge flying objects.
The shame of getting physically battered by a femme was huge for me.
I found out later commiserating with one of her ex's that she equated violence with love and wanted it in return. She hit her back and they were magically abusive together for five years. The incidents became more life threatening like jumping out on the freeway,
wielding weapons on each other,etc.


I did get therapy over this event and a few other (not so choice) times in my life.

So yes, get therapy. Your self esteem will grow, you wont be insecure if you learn to value and love yourself. You wont believe the bs that you are less than , if not in a relationship. You wont want to be violent yourself if you learn to deal with your own anger.

Do not stop to hit someone who you are trying to get away from. hellooooo

People really do die sometimes. Sometimes because they stay, sometimes when they leave and sometimes on the inside from being beat down for way too long.
Dont fuck around with your life. The truth is never gentle in abusive situations.

[Tcountry]

I'll confess I didn't read everything everyone said....
but.....run.... get away & stay away
a lot of times it is not IF it will happen again but WHEN... even if they are in counseling.
& even if it didn't happen again....YOU would be waiting for it too... that doesn't breed a healthy relationship....

Go get counseling for U....& don't look back



*tip hat*

[dancer611]

Whoa, whoa. I didn't "batter" her, and I don't own any weapons whatsoever, nor would I threaten anyone with one...not sure if you're implying that I did, but...one of the reasons this has been hard is that, while I did slap her the one time, and felt/feel extreme guilt for it, it was when she was drunk, I was already terrified, she had pulled a knife on me and choked me previusly, and someone twice my size was bearing down on me, screaming in my face, and refusing to leave my apartment when I was begging them to out of fear. So, the question for me has been where the line is drawn. People/domestic violence websites will say the size, gender ID, etc., doesn't factor in, and on an emotional/moral level I agree, but physically it is simply untrue. She held me down and barely let me breathe for 15 minutes. She put all of her weight on me and almost crushed me. I could never do that to her, no matter how angry I was; and no matter how angry I was, or what she did to me, I COULD NOT defend myself. Slapping her did not hurt her. She did not even flinch. When she was chasing me down the street, I really had nowhere to go. She had taken my phone, we had been in her car, and she had pulled over where no one could see us and there were no houses. She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME. So I tried to fight back by hitting her, but still she grabbed me, and threw me down by my hair, then got in my face, pinned me down and continued to scream while I cried. So. I'm not saying that I made the correct decisions, or that everything I did was right. It clearly wasn't. But I was emotionally beholden to her at this point, and felt physically helpless. Even if I had TRIED, this could not have been "mutual abuse." She choked me on several occasions, poured a drink in my face once and pinned me down or threw me down several times, as well as brandishing the weapon. I slapped her once when I was already scared and trapped in an apartment (she, once again, took my phone so I couldn't call the police). So, even though I feel guilt, because violence is not the answer, a lot of these posts have focused on my one slap...and I feel that I have to be fair to myself, that this was a pattern for her (in past relationships as well), and not for me. She tried to make me feel that, because I attempted (always failing) to defend myself, I was "abusing" her too. And that's just not what happened.

[Random]

Originally Posted by dancer611

Whoa, whoa. I didn't "batter" her, and I don't own any weapons whatsoever, nor would I threaten anyone with one...not sure if you're implying that I did, but...one of the reasons this has been hard is that, while I did slap her the one time, and felt/feel extreme guilt for it, it was when she was drunk, I was already terrified, she had pulled a knife on me and choked me previusly, and someone twice my size was bearing down on me, screaming in my face, and refusing to leave my apartment when I was begging them to out of fear. So, the question for me has been where the line is drawn. People/domestic violence websites will say the size, gender ID, etc., doesn't factor in, and on an emotional/moral level I agree, but physically it is simply untrue. She held me down and barely let me breathe for 15 minutes. She put all of her weight on me and almost crushed me. I could never do that to her, no matter how angry I was; and no matter how angry I was, or what she did to me, I COULD NOT defend myself. Slapping her did not hurt her. She did not even flinch. When she was chasing me down the street, I really had nowhere to go. She had taken my phone, we had been in her car, and she had pulled over where no one could see us and there were no houses. She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME. So I tried to fight back by hitting her, but still she grabbed me, and threw me down by my hair, then got in my face, pinned me down and continued to scream while I cried. So. I'm not saying that I made the correct decisions, or that everything I did was right. It clearly wasn't. But I was emotionally beholden to her at this point, and felt physically helpless. Even if I had TRIED, this could not have been "mutual abuse." She choked me on several occasions, poured a drink in my face once and pinned me down or threw me down several times, as well as brandishing the weapon. I slapped her once when I was already scared and trapped in an apartment (she, once again, took my phone so I couldn't call the police). So, even though I feel guilt, because violence is not the answer, a lot of these posts have focused on my one slap...and I feel that I have to be fair to myself, that this was a pattern for her (in past relationships as well), and not for me. She tried to make me feel that, because I attempted (always failing) to defend myself, I was "abusing" her too. And that's just not what happened.

And you are wondering if you should give her another chance?

I think you just answered your own question...

and IMO anytime one partner hits another partner it is abuse... (Unless that's the way your dynamic is set up)

[Dude]

Originally Posted by Dude

People really do die sometimes. Sometimes because they stay, sometimes when they leave and sometimes on the inside from being beat down for way too long.
Dont fuck around with your life. The truth is never gentle in abusive situations.

Sometimes when they fight back ,they get to kill
or be killed.

I met someone who's ex shot themself over the phone. They were
long distance ,she had to call 911 , she lived ,they got back together, this lady didnt get a second date with me after that story.
woah to crazy kind of love
No Thank You!

[Toughy]

A story has been told. Both sides were physically violent which we are told after our sympathy has been captured. We are told one side of the story. It was the femme side. What is the other side?. What if a butch came and told the same story?

I hate this kind of thread. It leaves many impressions that are not always deserved. Lots of RUN NOW before you DIE.....and then the 'I hit back in self defense' story starts begins to appear from the injured party. Very little attention is paid and what there is has to do with self defense......

either it is wrong for anyone to hit anyone or it's ok to hit sometimes in certain circumstances or it's wrong if a masculine person hits a feminine person but ok if a feminine person hits a masculine person......

from the story told..............both sides are fucked up and both sides need to deal with their own shit before they ever try to have a successful relationship with anyone......

[Scorp]

Dancer, are you quoting what I posted earlier? If so, please elaborate...

Originally Posted by dancer611

Possession of property??!