Why lipstick lesbians have to keep coming out of the closet

[Library_girl]

Originally Posted by deedarino

I crave being out and proud...yet unless partnered, I am invisible. I am automatically considered straight and I assure you I am not. In fact, often I have to assure potential partners and wayward males that I am not.

There was a time that I changed my look to fit in, to be able to be a LESBIAN...but I did not fit in. Turns out you can change your clothes but it doesn't change you. I looked ridiculous and more importantly, felt like I was in logger drag. I wanted to just be who I was but thought something was wrong with me. Maybe I was a faker, maybe I was confused. I was constantly asked by my friends (who didn't understand it any more than I did), "If you like girls that look like guys why don't you just date guys???" I had no idea but that thought wasn't appealing at all.

My life changed when I found a community of Butch/Femmes. Forever the loves of my life. I was like a kid at christmas...and probably acted like one too...lol. I put back on MY clothes and my lipstick, and my confidence...I still have no answers as to why but I now know exactly who I am. I may not always be "out" but I am always proud.

And I am grateful for you all...

Absolutely! We femmes ARE usually invisible when unpartnered, which is so frustrating. Several femmes together can look like a group of straight women. Going to a "lesbian" event as a solo femme....eek! I stick out like a sore thumb. The looks I get feel like "What's with the skirt?"

This is not new. When I first came out of the closet 25 years ago, I tried to fit into some type of lesbian classification. Back then it was sporty dyke, hikin' dyke, granola dyke, baby dyke, etc. (Pardon the use of "dyke" if that offends you--that's what we said in my part of the world back then.) It always felt weird and unnatural. I still never purchased Birkenstocks, but I did get some Tevas. LOL Then later when I discovered the butch/femme world of the early 90's...woo hoo! It was like coming home. There were so few of us, but I didn't care. I'd found my femme identity. It has gotten a little bit easier in "Mainstream Lesbiana" in the last 20 years, I have to say. But that's due, in part, to societal improvements, as well as the growth of the LGBT community. Hooray for all of it!

And now I just hope for and push for a better recognition of femmes who are unpartnered, like myself. Short of a giant forehead tattoo.....I like the suggestions on the Femme Flagging thread.

[*Anya*]

Since I was personally addressed because of my post, I shall respond in kind. I generally prefer to do it in a pm but again, since the post was addressed to me specifically, I will post my response here.

Pashi, I was not uncomfortable hearing of your own personal experiences.

What I did state, without calling you out personally in my post, was that generalizations made me uncomfortable!

Besides generalizations about androgynous lesbians, there felt to me, a judgmental tone to your post that yes, did make me uncomfortable and I quote:

"I felt like an Amazonian Parrot who had landed in a corn field of crows. And those crows sure had ruffled feathers. I made them very uncomfortable. I looked around to see who was who and who was with who, trying to get a feel for the situation. It was hard to tell because all of them had on the same uniform. Mens shorts, polo T's or regular T's and Birkenstocks or plain manish sandals with boyish hair cuts. There was a rigid conformance to their dress and behavior. I maybe a drag queen parrot, but you all feel like a bowl of oatmeal with nothing in it. "

You, yourself, acknowledged that you were generalizing:

"Now these are generalizations, I know, but I'm trying to understand what I am seeing and feeling in reference to being a femme."

One of the insults some straight men (not all) have always liked to throw at lesbians is that we hate or dislike men as the reason we are lesbians.

I expect it when I hear it from them but did not expect to see you use that same old tired myth that lesbians dislike men and that is why we are lesbians. Your post also included this:

"It appears that there is a fear or distaste of Butch energy because it represents something many of them dislike....men".

We have no idea what their issues with butch identity are but to say that many of them dislike men? That is part of that old myth about lesbians.

The intent of the article was about the need for femme lesbians to keep on coming out due to our invisibility.

That is one issue that all of us as femmes/ femme lesbians can relate to.

I just do not relate to the need to put down, be critical or hostile towards lesbians or dykes that are not into the butch-femme dynamic or who chose to live their life in a more androgynous manner than I do.

Some may have been rude to femmes from a lack of understanding. It has happened to me. I just accepted that we had differences and found my place in our community.

I still think it is a large enough community to have some sensitivity and understanding of those issues that we have in common with all dykes and lesbians: a lack of tolerance and acceptance by the society at large.

I can love the butch-femme dynamic without needing to be intolerant of those not into it for whatever their reasons may be.

That is how I see it.

[Passionaria]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Since I was personally addressed because of my post, I shall respond in kind. I generally prefer to do it in a pm but again, since the post was addressed to me specifically, I will post my response here.

Pashi, I was not uncomfortable hearing of your own personal experiences.

What I did state, without calling you out personally in my post, was that generalizations made me uncomfortable!

Besides generalizations about androgynous lesbians, there felt to me, a judgmental tone to your post that yes, did make me uncomfortable and I quote:

"I felt like an Amazonian Parrot who had landed in a corn field of crows. And those crows sure had ruffled feathers. I made them very uncomfortable. I looked around to see who was who and who was with who, trying to get a feel for the situation. It was hard to tell because all of them had on the same uniform. Mens shorts, polo T's or regular T's and Birkenstocks or plain manish sandals with boyish hair cuts. There was a rigid conformance to their dress and behavior. I maybe a drag queen parrot, but you all feel like a bowl of oatmeal with nothing in it. "

You, yourself, acknowledged that you were generalizing:

"Now these are generalizations, I know, but I'm trying to understand what I am seeing and feeling in reference to being a femme."

One of the insults some straight men (not all) have always liked to throw at lesbians is that we hate or dislike men as the reason we are lesbians.

I expect it when I hear it from them but did not expect to see you use that same old tired myth that lesbians dislike men and that is why we are lesbians. Your post also included this:

"It appears that there is a fear or distaste of Butch energy because it represents something many of them dislike....men".

We have no idea what their issues with butch identity are but to say that many of them dislike men? That is part of that old myth about lesbians.

The intent of the article was about the need for femme lesbians to keep on coming out due to our invisibility.

That is one issue that all of us as femmes/ femme lesbians can relate to.

I just do not relate to the need to put down, be critical or hostile towards lesbians or dykes that are not into the butch-femme dynamic or who chose to live their life in a more androgynous manner than I do.

Some may have been rude to femmes from a lack of understanding. It has happened to me. I just accepted that we had differences and found my place in our community.

I still think it is a large enough community to have some sensitivity and understanding of those issues that we have in common with all dykes and lesbians: a lack of tolerance and acceptance by the society at large.

I can love the butch-femme dynamic without needing to be intolerant of those not into it for whatever their reasons may be.

That is how I see it.

Thank you for sharing your viewpoints and feelings. Some stereotypes are hype, some have basis in reality, especially when a pattern forms over time. Just because I call some people on their behavior does not mean I am anti-anything, besides the behavior it's self, and it's obvious it was working my nerves. I just honestly say what I see and feel, and my vivid imagery often gets me into hot water. That is how I saw it lol. Oatmeal, birds and all. We may have different styles of expression, and that's cool. We'll just leave it at that. I do appreciate you taking the time to express yourself. I won't derail any further.
Pashi

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by Library_girl

(Pardon the use of "dyke" if that offends you--that's what we said in my part of the world back then.)

I love the word dyke. I consider myself to be a femme dyke. That word encapsulates so many meanings, but when I say I'm interested in butch dykes, people seem to understand what I mean.