Struggling to come to terms......

[Queerasfck]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

[blush]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

Maybe so Strappie, maybe so. All I'm saying is that it is possible that someone might need additional help and or support. That's all I meant. Definitely people here have stories to tell and there are many threads that have coming out stories in them. I also think sometimes it's just as therapeutic for us to tell our stories as it would be for some newbie to read it. I would think it's best to have a balance in the coming out process of an online community and the real time world if possible.

Originally Posted by blush

This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.

Very good point Blush.

[clay]

Excellent thread, Strappie!! I have started mine, but my eyes are tired...I am "old"...lol..so have cut n pasted mine to save and will be back later to post it..thanks, my friend..we can always learn...no matter what our ages or lot in life or place we are at, right? I know I can, and do!!! Daily!!!

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Maybe so Strappie, maybe so. All I'm saying is that it is possible that someone might need additional help and or support. That's all I meant. Definitely people here have stories to tell and there are many threads that have coming out stories in them. I also think sometimes it's just as therapeutic for us to tell our stories as it would be for some newbie to read it. I would think it's best to have a balance in the coming out process of an online community and the real time world if possible.

Very good point Blush.

I don't disagree with you about additional help. You said it your self... Baby steps... this thread could be a baby step in their discovery. Some people may not have the resources or funds to get the help they would like to get. Not everyone is fortunate like us to have a job and insurance to pay for those resources.

[genghisfawn]

Struggling with identity and how one fits into queer spaces is something I suspect everyone who isn't completely het, cis and vanilla has dealt with. I came out at 14 and got involved in my community, thus avoiding a deep depression and the suicide I'd threatened. When I was 21, I met a straight, cisgendered man and fell madly in love... but I never relented in how I IDed, and he, being a respectful, loving person (unicorn?) never objected and comfortably coexisted with my friends and community through respect and questions, questions, questions. We didn't last due to a lack of staying power, but what I took away from that is that there are so many ways of being that belong to what is queer, and that only a person hirself can truly identify hirself.

It's okay to be queer and accept the incredible complexity of being a person with a body, heart, mind and spirit... All of these things require care and respect. I hope anyone reading this thread who needs it comes away with an understanding that ze is the architect of hir own self and presentation, and whatever that happens to be is worthy of care.

[Goofy]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

Sharing stories about one's own experiences isn't necessarily "advice."

I was on active duty in the Army and stationed in Germany for a few years. Searching for and finding answers to questions I had any place other than the internet simply wasn't an option for me. I happened upon the dash site and reading people's experiences and struggles, some so very much like my own, gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope that there were others like me. Hope that I might find someone who would love me for who I am, and who I could love in return. I could go on, but I think I'll save that for another time.

I'll come back later and share my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else, in the way those older posts helped me.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Goofy

Sharing stories about one's own experiences isn't necessarily "advice."

I was on active duty in the Army and stationed in Germany for a few years. Searching for and finding answers to questions I had any place other than the internet simply wasn't an option for me. I happened upon the dash site and reading people's experiences and struggles, some so very much like my own, gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope that there were others like me. Hope that I might find someone who would love me for who I am, and who I could love in return. I could go on, but I think I'll save that for another time.

I'll come back later and share my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else, in the way those older posts helped me.

I love you for who you are goofy!! ~just saying...

I do remember you from the old days. However, I didn't know the struggles you went through. We all have a story to tell and I think it's good to express them.

[Strappie]

I'm off to bed for tonight... thank you all for all that you do for each other here on the Planet. You have no idea what this place has meant to me and so many others too! Education is a huge part of this community.


Good night

[Breathless]

Great thread! When i first was coming to terms, and accepting that i wasn't a freak for the thoughts that were running through my head and heart, i found a book. It was called 'From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life' I dont remember the author, and have since passed on my copy to someone else who was struggling. It was a collection of coming out stories, and the love that followed. It really helped me

I was 26, married to a man, with 2.2 children and a white picket fence. Yet I could not survive another day feeling like i was living a lie.

[Jaques]

...... people struggle with so many aspects of life, so im never shocked by anything, saddened yes, by the way humans can treat one another but thats another thread.
I wasnt aware of my gender until as a small child, people kept telling me i wasnt a boy. So as i grew up i mustve put it on the back burner in my mind, got married 3 times, had 2 sons, for which im grateful. As i got older I began to think more and more about women and my marriage was awful, not because of that i might add, so then i started putting on my husbands underwear and stuffing a sock down the front, i wasnt sure why but it felt good, i had my long hair cut off and eventually went to a book shop in london where i knew "lesbian" books were sold, i felt so embarrassed, having already bought a magazine i thought was "Diva" and it turned out to be "Divers" - no smart remarks about that necessary, lol! Anyway i bought a book called "how to be a lesbian" as i thought i might be - when i got it home it turned out to be a funny book and not a book of instruction...............and so it went on - you have to laugh cos theres always a funny side to everything. I dated lots of girls young enough to be my daughter and thought i looked wonderful in a suit and tie, till i realised in the "womens" bars, i didnt really fit or gell - this was in the 90's. I thought i was soft butch, then butch, then the penny dropped, i wasnt lesbian at all, i fancied women as a guy, not as another woman would - that was the hardest pill to swallow. Until i met my missus and she smoothed the way for me, so much so that i decided, after years of living as a guy but not looking like one, that i needed to transition. It can be a struggle but i found a sense of humour and a lot of patience and understanding of yourself is helpful. Also understanding that its not all about ME - when you have partners, kids, parents, friends, they arent always going to accept straight away or find it easy - they have feelings to, so whether you are trans or gay, understanding the fears and feelings of others too is necessary - not all our loved ones will accept but many do. I lost friends and had problems with one of my sons, who now accepts, though i know he'd rather his mother sat in a corner in twin set and pearls, knitting - but thats pretty standard whether youre gay/trans or straight. Parents do not live a life, have sex or have fun! ha ha! So to all those still going through troubles in this respect, hope reading everyones experiences will help.

[Tawse]

I came to terms when I was 21 and found myself irrefutably in love with my best friend.

I was fortunate in that within a degree of my immediate friends there was a well established Elder Dyke. I approached her and well she took me under her wings. I would go to her house after work and we'd drink a couple of black & tans while she told me all about our history, how to treat a woman... how to survive in the jungle.

I am a huge believer in learning our history. Of listening to what the previous generation had to say - in person if possible. Reading a book is one thing - hearing the scars, seeing the passion, holding the calloused hands or hearing the well worn leather as it breathes... something you can't get from books.

So yeah - coming out was traumatic and trying, and truth be told I am still going along my journey and discovering about myself. But I had the privileged to be surrounded by an older generation who was as hungry to share their experiences as I was to learn.

[MarineCorps1]

First, I'd like to thank all for their responses here. There's a LOT that can be learned from those who went before that can help the rest of us, especially us late bloomers.

I was 29 when it finally hit me that I was interested in women. And it took a female physically flirting with me to make it click (yeah, I'm one of those that needs to be hit over the head with things). When it did, it was like a bomb went off. I was married to man I loved dearly and whom I'd been with for 14 years, I was an active member of a church that DEFINITELY frowned on such things. I fought it and fought it until ultimately (I admit with great shame), I had an affair. At that point, there was no turning back.

When I left, I moved to a small town, and I lived alone. I didn't feel safe with people knowing my inclinations, nor did I have an outlet of real people to turn to. The internet became my primary source of information and contact. Unfortunately, in a lot of ways, it still is. It's only been two years since all this went down, and I've tested the waters a bit and found that there are sharks on BOTH sides, and in some online communities it's like being in high school all over again. THIS adolescence, however, is going to be VERY short-lived for me. It took me twenty nine years to figure out where I stood and another three until I was able to be myself and I'm NOT giving that up for anybody - damn well not my own kind.

I think, as a newbie, that if I'd had anyone to give me advice, I would have wanted the heads up that there are so many people within the community who are still dead set on pushing you into a role. You're either butch or femme, and that's that, and if you're one then you should be with the other, etc., and that's all bullshit. So that's my advice to people who are just coming out - whether your adversaries are straight or gay, STAND YOUR GROUND. Be who you are and don't let anyone push you around. It mat be lonely that way for a while, but you'll be able to live with yourself at the end of the day, and eventually you'll find real people who'll care about you as you are. And THAT level of friendship is absolutely priceless.

[blush]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

I have to say, I get twitchy when you paint online interactions as "frivolous." It certainly can be. But I just spent a weekend with real time friends who started as online acquaintances. When I came out, I did therapy. I did baby steps. I talked to straight and lesbian folks. But my debt of gratitude is to the frivolous websites and the heart stopping stories of those that went before me.