Eating Disorders ~

[Soft*Silver]

In my 20s and 30s I was bulimorexic. It got to the point where I was throwing up 20 some times a day and also not swallowing my own spit (I read where someone else didnt do this as well). I went into counseling, and stopped the majority of it but have at times, relapsed on and off for a day or so, here and there. But after I came back from NH, after my relapse, after the feeling SO out of control and hopeless, I would indeed overeat and purge. But binging and purging in your 50s is not like binging and purging in your 20s and 30s. I went downhill physically. I was already very sick, and had a huge hiatal hernia from doing this decades ago, and now, it was life threatening. I had to have it repaired. Well, the first surgery didnt work so I had to go in the second time and this time, I had to have 3/4 of my stumach removed. I also almost died from this surgery because of blood clots and leakage.

I have dropped weight because it was essentially a gastric bypass surgery, a sleeve. Have I dropped alot of weight. Some. Not alot. But enough. I really am not obsessed with weight like I use to be in m 20s and 30s. I like the plusness of my body and the roundness of my curves. It aggravates me when people tell me my surgery didnt work, all because I didnt become a size 10. I wouldnt know what to do with myself as a size 10! I am a 16/18 and very very happy with my body.

But I still love food and use it as a drug. I am scheduled to see a dietician next week at my Drs. I am also doing therapy in general and this has helped alot. We dont focus on weight because its not a major issue. Its a symptom, now, of other things that are getting really out of control, like my daughter's influence in my life. I eat to sedate. To hide. To feel good. Even if I cant eat alot because I no longer have the vessel to put it in, I still turn to food to medicate...