Long Distance - How do you cope?

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

I've had similar experiences, with a couple of women across the continent or the world (England, California). I'm in Arkansas.

I think LDR can work out, with a boatload of "if's". If you're grounded in reality, as Ciaran said. It's tempting to create an entire fantasy relationship in your mind that is much heavier than reality. IF you keep a "real life" wherever you are. IF you have some idea of being together, rather than a LDR ad infinitim. That can be hard, if you're already established in your own countries or states.

It's also true that in an LDR, the goal can become getting to see one another again, rather than growing closer as a couple. Then, when you do see one another, it's tempting not to "ruin" things by bringing up problems as you only have a few days together. It's so easy to spend it in bed and doing romantic things, rather than "real life" stuff.

It can be fun, of course. You can see part of the world you've never known, away from tourists (unless you go to a famous site, like I did with English woman ). If nothing else, you could come out of it with a good friend.

[RockOn]

LDRs have turned into wonderful, loving, lifelong relationships for many people. I am happy for all of these couples and offer my congratulations.

I've done a long distance relationship. I will not attempt another one under any circumstances. My reach doesn't extend past the other side of town. Only I can know what is best for me ... LDRs are simply not workable for me.

[Silverseastar]

I think it is awesome to know oneself as best as possible, and kudos for being clear on what does and doesn't work for you Brock. Thank you for the perspective.

I'm amused that you don't state your location on your profile though...teehee...