Friends of Bill W.

Girl Friday · 06-03-2012, 10:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

Okay, so how did it go?????

Are you going to another meeting today?

Did you hear anyone who might be a good sponsor for you?

I actually went to 2 meetings yesterday and 2 today. I didn't choose a sponsor. I go to these meetings off and on when I feel the need for support, but I've never met anyone I'd like as a sponsor. Most of the people who volunteer to be sponsors at my regular meeting seem to have something to prove. It's as though I'd almost rather have a sponsor who is more reluctant. The overly eager ones make me nervous. It's like I'm there for them rather than the other way around. I've never had a sponsor before but I don't want one that needs me more than I need them.

I'll go again tomorrow. Right now, I'm sitting in my house trying not to bite off all my fingernails. But if I do...what the hell. They're only fingernails.

LeftWriteFemme · 06-04-2012, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girl Friday

I actually went to 2 meetings yesterday and 2 today. I didn't choose a sponsor. I go to these meetings off and on when I feel the need for support, but I've never met anyone I'd like as a sponsor. Most of the people who volunteer to be sponsors at my regular meeting seem to have something to prove. It's as though I'd almost rather have a sponsor who is more reluctant. The overly eager ones make me nervous. It's like I'm there for them rather than the other way around. I've never had a sponsor before but I don't want one that needs me more than I need them.

I'll go again tomorrow. Right now, I'm sitting in my house trying not to bite off all my fingernails. But if I do...what the hell. They're only fingernails.

Well I wish you the best, it's hard to get sober. Please take good care of you and maybe look someplace else for a sponsor. My sponsors don't live near me or go to my local meetings. For me I would have trouble staying sober without a sponsor, that's why I mention it.

LeftWriteFemme · 06-04-2012, 06:52 AM

June 4

FREQUENTLY

When my daydream gets so threadbare I no longer use it, I must turn to other sources. When I cannot conjure on my own and elucidation makes me cross eyed, I must turn to HP. I have puttered and prolonged the way to naming this legendary and fabulous enigma. I drew out even longer any desire for close association with the same. I have milled with the millstone and surfed in the whirlpool, dragged my feet and thrown a fit, but this only stalled the inevitable result. Naming and interaction is the need and now is the time. I have a Higher Power and I choose to call it Frequently.

Dreams grow wings if you let them.
*

Eggshells and Bethlehem

A stable is a place to keep a horse
and in fairytales a place to birth a baby,
but stable is the story I told myself about you.

Solid, a model of strength
and here you are a tripod,
upright only if the pressure is evenly applied.

I blame myself for lopsided need
and try to find a way to keep this coupling standing.
Stripped down to minor contact
I wonder if you actually remember me
and then I wonder if I remember myself.

This is what is at stake, this is the trophy I lose
when I fall for you and you fall down.
Where is the girl I worked so hard to create?

Broken eggshells litter the nest
and I look for the chick I used to be.
I fear losing you,
I cry at the thought of losing us,
I die at the loss of me.

Girl Friday · 06-04-2012, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

June 4

FREQUENTLY

When my daydream gets so threadbare I no longer use it, I must turn to other sources. When I cannot conjure on my own and elucidation makes me cross eyed, I must turn to HP. I have puttered and prolonged the way to naming this legendary and fabulous enigma. I drew out even longer any desire for close association with the same. I have milled with the millstone and surfed in the whirlpool, dragged my feet and thrown a fit, but this only stalled the inevitable result. Naming and interaction is the need and now is the time. I have a Higher Power and I choose to call it Frequently.

Dreams grow wings if you let them.
*

Eggshells and Bethlehem

A stable is a place to keep a horse
and in fairytales a place to birth a baby,
but stable is the story I told myself about you.

Solid, a model of strength
and here you are a tripod,
upright only if the pressure is evenly applied.

I blame myself for lopsided need
and try to find a way to keep this coupling standing.
Stripped down to minor contact
I wonder if you actually remember me
and then I wonder if I remember myself.

This is what is at stake, this is the trophy I lose
when I fall for you and you fall down.
Where is the girl I worked so hard to create?

Broken eggshells litter the nest
and I look for the chick I used to be.
I fear losing you,
I cry at the thought of losing us,
I die at the loss of me.

These things feel like they have my name written on them.

Thank you for going to the effort to post everyday. I look forward to it.

Novelafemme · 06-04-2012, 08:20 AM

Good Morning Everyone!

My Name is LeeAnn and I'm an alcoholic.

And THAT, friends, is NOT any easy sentence for me to write or say!

I stayed up late last night reading The Big Book and then stumbled into this thread and wanted to show my support...it works if you work it, right!

Girl Friday, we are smack dab in this together and please know that you are not alone! Your posts made my heart ache last night because so much of it is familiar to me. Please know that you are the farthest possible thing from weak. You are brilliant and amazing and valuable and grand.

For me, coming to the realization that I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism was the biggest and most important step in my recovery. I didn't start drinking until I was in my early 30's. Never actually touched a drop until then (save for a hellish experience in my teens) and only started at the recommendation of my midwife as a means to deal with my fragile nerves after having my youngest and feeling overwhelmed by fear when my then husband started working nights. We lived in an iffy neighborhood near a bar and I was paralyzed by anxiety over how to protect them in the event someone tried to break in. I slept with a knife under my pillow and a crowbar next to the bed...I'm not sure any "sleeping" actually happened, lol.

Ultimately, through years of talk therapy and learning to become brutally honest with myself, I am ridding myself of some pretty damaging old coping skills and replacing them with tools rooted in honesty, compassion and strength. It has been incredibly hard but I am slowly and surely getting there. Each day brings the promise of hope and a joy so deeply profound and real that sometimes I have trouble believing it is all at my fingertips, just an outstretched hand away. And for me, this is the beauty of AA and the people who attend who have become both my inspiration and allies.

I haven't chosen a sponsor yet either. I was encouraged on my very first day to take that process slowly and let my sponsor reveal his or her self in time. I do have a woman that I met that same day who I have called twice in serious moments of self doubt, who has been invaluable as a source of support. Like others here, I am more than happy to be that person for you. Anytime. Just PM me.

Today I think of my alcoholism as a mask. I used it to become someone I thought was better than the real me. I believed that the real me was too damaged, unloveable, ugly...whether it was an eating disorder, dishonesty, drinking...not dealing with my issues IN FULL became my mask. I wore it because I was afraid. Each morning I wake up sober and clear headed and ready to face life's challenges I tear away a small piece of that facade, revealing the true me. And you know what? I am learning to love that girl!

Keep holding on...even if it is by your finger tips!

Girl Friday · 06-04-2012, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Novelafemme

Good Morning Everyone!

My Name is LeeAnn and I'm an alcoholic.

And THAT, friends, is NOT any easy sentence for me to write or say!

I stayed up late last night reading The Big Book and then stumbled into this thread and wanted to show my support...it works if you work it, right!

Girl Friday, we are smack dab in this together and please know that you are not alone! Your posts made my heart ache last night because so much of it is familiar to me. Please know that you are the farthest possible thing from weak. You are brilliant and amazing and valuable and grand.

For me, coming to the realization that I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism was the biggest and most important step in my recovery. I didn't start drinking until I was in my early 30's. Never actually touched a drop until then (save for a hellish experience in my teens) and only started at the recommendation of my midwife as a means to deal with my fragile nerves after having my youngest and feeling overwhelmed by fear when my then husband started working nights. We lived in an iffy neighborhood near a bar and I was paralyzed by anxiety over how to protect them in the event someone tried to break in. I slept with a knife under my pillow and a crowbar next to the bed...I'm not sure any "sleeping" actually happened, lol.

Ultimately, through years of talk therapy and learning to become brutally honest with myself, I am ridding myself of some pretty damaging old coping skills and replacing them with tools rooted in honesty, compassion and strength. It has been incredibly hard but I am slowly and surely getting there. Each day brings the promise of hope and a joy so deeply profound and real that sometimes I have trouble believing it is all at my fingertips, just an outstretched hand away. And for me, this is the beauty of AA and the people who attend who have become both my inspiration and allies.

I haven't chosen a sponsor yet either. I was encouraged on my very first day to take that process slowly and let my sponsor reveal his or her self in time. I do have a woman that I met that same day who I have called twice in serious moments of self doubt, who has been invaluable as a source of support. Like others here, I am more than happy to be that person for you. Anytime. Just PM me.

Today I think of my alcoholism as a mask. I used it to become someone I thought was better than the real me. I believed that the real me was too damaged, unloveable, ugly...whether it was an eating disorder, dishonesty, drinking...not dealing with my issues IN FULL became my mask. I wore it because I was afraid. Each morning I wake up sober and clear headed and ready to face life's challenges I tear away a small piece of that facade, revealing the true me. And you know what? I am learning to love that girl!

Keep holding on...even if it is by your finger tips!

Thank you for saying the part I highlighted. It mirrors something I've been feeling for years.

I read last night:

"I was never much of a drinker. My parents didn't keep it in the house and I was always too busy with sports or whatever to do that kind of partying as a kid. In college I was really busy and I thought people who were drunk all the time were just stupid.

When I was 26 I hurt my back on vacation snowboarding but I didn't want to drive all the way back into the city to go to the doctor. Someone gave me a glass of wine and it helped. After the second glass the pain was relieved enough to make the rest of the day tolerable. The next day I had a couple more glasses. The pain was gone so I stopped. It never bothered me to drink or not to drink after that so for years it wasn't an issue.

A decade later I broke up with my partner of 13 years. The pain seemed unbearable and no matter how much I drank, I could still feel it. It wouldn't go away unless I drank until I passed out. When I woke up, the pain was still there so I'd drink until I was numb again. No one understood why I was so brokenhearted because I'd been the one to break up with her, not the other way around. So I kept drinking because I'd lost the love of my life and no one understood.

About a year later my best friend told me she was disgusted with me for not getting over my ex, so I drank more because I was disgusting. Seven months after that my brother told me I was a pathetic drunk, so I drank more because I was pathetic.

I drank for 4 years because (I told myself) no one understood why I was in pain and because I was disgusting and pathetic.

One day I woke up late and I was rushing around angrily, trying to pull myself together. Out of habit I guess, iinstead of reaching for the coffee I reached for a drink. I had the bottle in my hand and suddenly I was laughing out loud because I knew that I hated myself and that I wouldn't be able to drink the hate away. That's when it really hit me. I wouldn't be able to drink the hate away.

Lots to think about today.

Novelafemme · 06-04-2012, 09:32 AM

Laughter and being able to laugh at yourself is paramount in this process!

Last week a guy in AA was talking about how he always felt like he had all the answers. No one could ever tell him what to do because he was his own boss! Dammit! He went on and on about how ridiculous he was with this line of thinking and I was cracking up on the inside because my life's motto has always been, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!

Some days all we do is laugh for the entire hour...it's SO freeing!!

06-04-2012, 06:52 AM	#3
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,293 Times in 5,185 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	June 4 FREQUENTLY When my daydream gets so threadbare I no longer use it, I must turn to other sources. When I cannot conjure on my own and elucidation makes me cross eyed, I must turn to HP. I have puttered and prolonged the way to naming this legendary and fabulous enigma. I drew out even longer any desire for close association with the same. I have milled with the millstone and surfed in the whirlpool, dragged my feet and thrown a fit, but this only stalled the inevitable result. Naming and interaction is the need and now is the time. I have a Higher Power and I choose to call it Frequently. Dreams grow wings if you let them. * Eggshells and Bethlehem A stable is a place to keep a horse and in fairytales a place to birth a baby, but stable is the story I told myself about you. Solid, a model of strength and here you are a tripod, upright only if the pressure is evenly applied. I blame myself for lopsided need and try to find a way to keep this coupling standing. Stripped down to minor contact I wonder if you actually remember me and then I wonder if I remember myself. This is what is at stake, this is the trophy I lose when I fall for you and you fall down. Where is the girl I worked so hard to create? Broken eggshells litter the nest and I look for the chick I used to be. I fear losing you, I cry at the thought of losing us, I die at the loss of me. __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

06-04-2012, 08:20 AM	#5
Novelafemme Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ........ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ........ Posts: 2,402 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,981 Thanked 8,925 Times in 1,834 Posts Rep Power: 0	Good Morning Everyone! My Name is LeeAnn and I'm an alcoholic. And THAT, friends, is NOT any easy sentence for me to write or say! I stayed up late last night reading The Big Book and then stumbled into this thread and wanted to show my support...it works if you work it, right! Girl Friday, we are smack dab in this together and please know that you are not alone! Your posts made my heart ache last night because so much of it is familiar to me. Please know that you are the farthest possible thing from weak. You are brilliant and amazing and valuable and grand. For me, coming to the realization that I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism was the biggest and most important step in my recovery. I didn't start drinking until I was in my early 30's. Never actually touched a drop until then (save for a hellish experience in my teens) and only started at the recommendation of my midwife as a means to deal with my fragile nerves after having my youngest and feeling overwhelmed by fear when my then husband started working nights. We lived in an iffy neighborhood near a bar and I was paralyzed by anxiety over how to protect them in the event someone tried to break in. I slept with a knife under my pillow and a crowbar next to the bed...I'm not sure any "sleeping" actually happened, lol. Ultimately, through years of talk therapy and learning to become brutally honest with myself, I am ridding myself of some pretty damaging old coping skills and replacing them with tools rooted in honesty, compassion and strength. It has been incredibly hard but I am slowly and surely getting there. Each day brings the promise of hope and a joy so deeply profound and real that sometimes I have trouble believing it is all at my fingertips, just an outstretched hand away. And for me, this is the beauty of AA and the people who attend who have become both my inspiration and allies. I haven't chosen a sponsor yet either. I was encouraged on my very first day to take that process slowly and let my sponsor reveal his or her self in time. I do have a woman that I met that same day who I have called twice in serious moments of self doubt, who has been invaluable as a source of support. Like others here, I am more than happy to be that person for you. Anytime. Just PM me. Today I think of my alcoholism as a mask. I used it to become someone I thought was better than the real me. I believed that the real me was too damaged, unloveable, ugly...whether it was an eating disorder, dishonesty, drinking...not dealing with my issues IN FULL became my mask. I wore it because I was afraid. Each morning I wake up sober and clear headed and ready to face life's challenges I tear away a small piece of that facade, revealing the true me. And you know what? I am learning to love that girl! Keep holding on...even if it is by your finger tips!

06-04-2012, 09:32 AM	#7
Novelafemme Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ........ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ........ Posts: 2,402 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,981 Thanked 8,925 Times in 1,834 Posts Rep Power: 0	Laughter and being able to laugh at yourself is paramount in this process! Last week a guy in AA was talking about how he always felt like he had all the answers. No one could ever tell him what to do because he was his own boss! Dammit! He went on and on about how ridiculous he was with this line of thinking and I was cracking up on the inside because my life's motto has always been, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!! Some days all we do is laugh for the entire hour...it's SO freeing!!