Cancer Support and Caregivers Who Are Trail Blazers!

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by pynkkameleon

It's almost 4am and I should be sound asleep. Instead my eyes are as big and as wide as the beautiful full moon is right now. I have a hunch that this insomnia of mine can be partially blamed on the new meds that I am on. Thankfully these new Rx's are for something "other" than cancer but they are definitely wreaking additional havoc on this broken body of mine. It's funny how we are prescribed one medication, then given another and yet another to combat side effects from the first, second and third meds and then suddenly the medicine cabinet isn't large enough to hold all of the little orange bottles. There has to be a better way than this.

I should probably apologize ahead of time for this post. (Not sure who I think I need to apologize to? Myself maybe?) I can tell already that it is probably going to come out sounding like the ramblings of a drunken madwoman. I assure you though that I am, at the moment at least, quite sober.

I do try very hard not to vent here on the boards, to keep my thoughts mostly private and to be positive 99.9% of the time. However, there are those times when it just gets bottled up to the point where it wants to explode. Probably not a very healthy thing. Positivity is generally very important to me. When I find myself anything but that, I am riddled with nothing but guilt. After all, I have people in my life, including and especially my children, that expect me to always be strong. Then again, maybe they don't expect that and I am just a victim of my own illusions.( See how artfully I let my mind twist and turn things?)

I saw the ta-ta doc this past Thursday. She cut the right side breast pocket open again to remove some more scar tissue. This latest procedure was intended to make the right side look more presentable. Ha! Presentable to whom I find myself wondering because as far as I'm concerned, the whole chest canvas thing seems like a lost cause. The left side has already been deemed as being "As good as it's ever going to get". Even without b/foobs, I am lopsided. It's not exactly a lovely sight. Maybe in time I will be able to get over this vanity issue I have with b/foobs (or in this case lack of b/foobs) and self image but for now, I really find myself still struggling and the very fact that it bugs me is really ticking me off. I wear a red cape damnit! This stuff isn't supposed to get to me.

I also want to throw in here that I am enthusiastically and eternally blessed and grateful to be alive. This isn't about not being thankful. I am well aware of the precious gift of life and there isn't a day that I don't give thanks for it or think of those who are also touched by this disease and others.

This is a self esteem issue.. and one I am not too proud of

I've been trying to combat those thoughts by asking myself the obvious questions such as..

"Okay Von, if you were in another persons shoes and you found yourself attracted to someone who had undergone a double mastectomy (or any other body altering surgery) would it take any of that attraction away for you?"

Duh! My answer is of course an emphatic "Hell No!". So, why I wonder do I assume that another person won't be able to see my body as attractive and that I am doomed to a life of being lonely and of never experiencing touch again?

Am I just being ridiculous or is this something "normal" and part of the self grieving process? Or maybe this is just the lack of sleep and oxygen to my brain talking. Maybe it's all of the above. Whatever it is, I came here to you wonderful people, because I knew that you would listen to my silliness without judging me for it.

Oh, and btw, I changed my name from Vonni to this new name, which is actually an old name but better than using my real name...

See.. I really DO need sleep

Oh.. and Dapper. You CAN do it. I have a so much respect for you for coming forward and making yourself accountable like that. Take baby steps where you need to. Every bit adds up and counts.

Hoping everyone is well, happy and smiling * hugs* and thanks for listening! Going to seek out my pillow now...

pynkkameleon, IN MY OPINE, this is zactly the place to come and talk about the things that are going round in your head and heart. We get it. Even when we feel like rambling, it makes good reading for those who walk along the path or with others. We commiserate and relate. Whether survivor, friend, family or lover peeps care and can understand. I worked with mastectomy patients in my past life, specializing in mammography, radiation therapy, and breast prosthetic fitting. I have met so many beautiful women who have undergone so many procedures that changed their lives and their bodies. I have taken body casts of reconstruction, implants, and those who underwent total radical mastectomy and chose to wear prosthetics. Inside of each was such a spark of love and life and I can remember the smiles, the tears, the days and the nights they spoke of what life was like. Of marriage, divorce and finding love again. Loving caring people see beyond the physicality of what we are. So, having spent much of my life as a breast cancer activist, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and went DUH...So, on those nights I can't sleep, I come in here, or somewhere on the Planet, and I read, and i post and I ramble, because, ...8 years later..I am alive. I have this book and saw this powerful show in Los Angles and am still wowed by the energy and writing. Link*
http://www.jhylanddesign.com/Art/artrage.htm Art.Rage.Us., a riveting book of art, fiction, poetry, and prose, and a bold testimony to the courage of women who face the disease. At turns stirring, humorous, heartrending, introspective, stark, and defiant, the pieces in Art.Rage.Us. have the power to comfort, provoke, and transform. Maybe you can check it out at your local library and see some beautiful women and works. Luff N Stuff , Tommi


Miss_Tia
Yeah for chrissy's sis.
We hear of a cat's nine lives, but I don't think we ever realize what close calls we have.
chrissy's sis experienced what many with cancer do, a miracle, a healing, a remission, whatever name we give it , or reason, the world becomes a beautiful place again. My Mom, given 3 months to live due to smoker's lung cancer and an aggressive tumor that wrapped around her windpipe went to Vegas to celebrate the 3 months. Well, Mom called me one day , said she was healed. Oaky then!! She had touched the TV during one of those Heal Me shows. We laughed, and she said , well stranger things have happened, 6 weeks after this her tumor began to shrink, 8 weeks later her lungs were clearing up, at that 3 month stage she finished her treatment, and ...went to Las Vegas to celebrate, 6 months later reconciled with our bio-family that had banished us for 20 years because Mom was a dyke. She lived over 4 years cancer free, had a sudden heart attack in my hands and passed away 12 hours later.


DapperButch, that non-cancer battle with fighting for our health sometimes takes a detour. Falling off the wagon and getting back on program has happened to me so often that I gave the wagon away. At this point, I have avoid drive-thru's, take the stairs at work. Several years ago, I broke my ankle while walking across a street, followed with a stress fracture in my foot during a Chargers' game at Qualcom stadium, and recently got out the brace that kept me from having knee surgery when I tour my ACL, all on my right side...So, I to try to enjoy life one day at a time and stay away from anything that comes in a package, EXCEPT ICE CREAM and Yogurt, and any exercise that would make me sweat.

[clay]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{pynk}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }
As Tommi so eloquently said.....YOU are loved, cared for, and a viable part of this community...and this is exactly where you are welcome with open arms to come in and write whatever your heart may be feeling......many of us have at some point in time had those same thoughts, or felt "disconnected" or were concerned....OR just needed a place to go and vent....so...vent away sister....we are here for you!!!!
That link Tommi shared is an awesome link..and may you be able to find a renewed sense of self, see the art that is YOU...and also as Tommi said....we don't view one another for the physical sense....at least, for me, I view someone for their heart, their spirit, and their soul...who they are inside is where their beauty resides, for me...
For many of us, we do focus on our physical looks, and worry that others may not see us as beautiful, or wanted, or desired, but there are others who do not look at that aspect.....instead, they choose to look inside and see the beauty that resides therein...
From my seat, I see you as a truly remarkably beautiful woman, who has such captivating eyes....and those eyes are windows to that amazing soul you have...you have such compassion, such a positive outlook, and you touch others in ways that are meaningful....and you are truly beautifull...believe that, my friend!!! You & I have sahred some messages..and I "sense' that beauty within you...I know you to be a true "heart person".
There are days when we wonder, doubt, and are harsh critics of ourselves...and that, too, is all a part of our journeys...you are right where you should be...and know this door is always open for you....and I will always be here for you.....anytime....so, reach around and pat yourself on the back, look in the mirror at that beautiful smile, and feel the beauty of YOU!!!!
I heart you, pynk!!!!!

[pynkkameleon]

(((((((((Tommi and Clay))))))))))))

You both have brought me to tears. Wonderful, cleansing and healing tears.

I needed that, whether I realized it or not.

I'll come back and finish this after the tears have stopped flowing and I blow my snotty nose..

I heart you my friends!!