Friendship Survey

[aishah]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? depends on the friend i have a lot of friends who don't live close by, so i see them once or twice a year, maybe a little less. friends i live near, i tend to see weekly or every few weeks depending on our schedules. sometimes more often

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? pretty frequently...i use facebook to stay in touch with friends a lot (because i have support groups there with people i'm close to and only see in person infrequently). i'm pretty comfortable with skyping and emailing. phone freaks me out a little but once i get really comfortable with someone i'm okay with talking on the phone regularly

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? again, it depends on the friend and activity. i don't have kids but i like kids and i'm totally comfortable being around them. so i'm cool with friends bringing their kids, or not bringing their kids

4) Are finances a consideration? yes! i like doing activities that require money, and i love going out for dinner or whatever, but i also don't always have money and a lot of my friends don't have money either. so it just depends on the friend. most people i hang out with, we're comfortable enough with each other to be like "hey, i can't afford to go out for coffee this week, can we have coffee at our house instead?" so i'm really flexible where that's concerned.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? yes! i love going out but will only go out a lot with friends who are sensitive to the fact that i can't go places with lots of stairs, or that if we go drinking/dancing there needs to be a place to sit down and keep stuff...like one of my friends will usually sit and drink and watch our stuff while i'm dancing with other friends, etc. i also can't stand up for long periods so some activities like shopping marathons are hard for me. and i don't drive right now so i'm lucky that my friends are considerate about either finding me a ride or making sure things are walking/bus-ing distance. i have a lot of friends who are vegan so we cook at home instead of going out to restaurants, or who are in wheelchairs so we have to make sure wherever we go is wheelchair accessible, etc. so i'm used to collectively making access happen to me it strengthens a friendship.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? not really - i work from home and my hours are super flexible right now.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? because of my health issues, last-minute stuff is really hard for me. i rarely have the luxury of being spontaneous. usually when friends text me at 5pm and are like "hey, wanna go to this bar at 7pm?" i'm like...can't do it tonight. i need advanced notice most of the time.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? i can be friends with anybody

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? yes. the only time that's really been an issue is when someone disrespected my partner and treated them like shit...then i cut that person off. but i have friends who don't get along with my partners.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. i have a friend i've been close to for several years and she didn't like the way some of my other friends interacted on facebook, and she can just be really overbearing and a bully sometimes. since i don't always take her side she's been quietly cutting me out of important parts of her life where i used to be included. it sucks and it hurts, but i'm probably better off now. i maintain (loose) ties with her because we have a lot of mutual friends, some of whom i work with.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. i don't think i've ever completely cut someone off, but i've had friends who i was really close to that i've become a lot less close to over the years because they don't accept certain things about me (like the fact that i am queer). i don't completely cut them out of my life because i love them, but at the same time i don't spend as much time around them because it can be toxic.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? it depends on the situation and the friend. ultimately i think it's up to them to choose when/how/in what way they want help. so i can provide emotional support and understanding but i'm not going to try and push or force them into a situation. if they've made the choice to recover i would respect their recovery needs/whatever path they choose. for example, for me, i have had struggles with certain substances and i love the na environment but i have never felt fully comfortable there for certain reasons. however if a friend chose that path i would support them and make safe spaces for them to hang out without being around substances. at the same time, if that recovery environment isn't what they need i'd support them finding a different environment and respect their decisions.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? i would support them emotionally and help them find resources to stay safe and take care of themselves. i would also respect their decisions about how they want to handle the situation.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? again, depends on the situation... if they were open to polyamory i'd be willing to give it a try, but otherwise i'd probably just be honest that i have feelings towards them but i want to remain their friend and respect their relationship, so i'm not going to act on those feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? same thing - be honest about the feelings and if they are interested in exploring that and also have romantic feelings towards me i'd give it a shot, but if they're not, i'd respect that and not act on my feelings

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? depends on how annoying the habit is and why they have it in the first place...? normally i wouldn't bring that up because there are very few things that annoy me THAT much that it would be worth trying to make someone change.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. probably the situation above re: friends cutting me off/me cutting them off. the friend who is cutting me out of her life...really, part of it is about outgrowing each other. we're just moving in really different directions and don't have similar values/priorities anymore. i don't think it's important to be really similar in every friendship, but in this one it was.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 15 years. we met in 4th grade. we've gone through periods of being really close and not being really close (due to distance, lack of time, whatever.) but we just have a bond with each other where even if we haven't seen each other in a year it's like we can pick up right where we left off

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? yes...i'm friends with almost all of my exes. i don't have a philosophy about it, that's just how it is, hehe we were friends before we got together and remained friends after we broke up. in one case, for a long time, he was probably my best friend in the world (and is still one of my closest friends). us being in a relationship was a total mistake, though...we're much better suited as close friends.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? i find casual/unattached sex to be really difficult sometimes, so it depends on the person or the friendship. i tend to shy away from "friends with benefits." but i'm not completely against it.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? i don't expect a friend to make a lot of time for me or check in with me all the time. i mean, i expect them to be there if i need them, but the level of emotional/physical commitment is much different. with a romantic partner, i expect to spend more time with them and they're usually the first person i call if i'm struggling with something.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. 16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. i've supported several friends through severe emotional struggles (eating disorders, self-injury, suicide, etc.), and they've supported me and been there for me, too.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? someone who likes to argue a lot or turns every problem in the friendship into an argument...i would rather figure out what the problem is and how to fix it. i don't deal well with anger or combativeness as a first response. same goes for romantic relationships.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? not really sure how to answer this i'm a pretty accepting person.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? not important at all...i have friends who are 15 and friends who are 60 (i'm 24).

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? totally unimportant.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? sort of important, in the sense that...it doesn't matter to me if our situations are similar but that the person is understanding about my situation and i am understanding about theirs.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? totally unimportant. although i need them to accept that i'm very religious. (i don't care if they are.)

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? see "economic situation." i find i tend to bond more closely with folks from similar class backgrounds but as long as there's acceptance/understanding it doesn't really matter that much to me.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? not important

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? not applicable.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? not applicable.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. i would love this if it were single and/or available! i had a fun time with friends at a queer muslim retreat recently where we did single/available speed dating. i'd go with a friend to a singles event and support them but i often feel awkward at singles events being the poly person.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors depends on the activity. i can't do hardcore hiking, biking, running, etc. but i've had fun hiking with friends on easy (paved) trails. i love swimming and dancing alone or with people. doing yoga classes and stuff like that can be fun together too.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater yes to all of the above

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else i'm more of a tabletop gamer, which i LOVE doing with friends, but sometimes also computer games can be fun. i don't really play video games that much but my partner is slowly getting me into them...i prefer stuff like mario kart or jeopardy as far as video games go, not the violent ones.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV not a big sports fan.

6) Participating in team sports i can't play most team sports. i'd go and cheer them on though

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) yes to all of the above!

8) Shopping depends on the situation...when i have money it can be fun. when i don't have money, not so fun, hehe. also as far as clothes/shoes go, because of my sizes i have to order stuff online a lot and shopping in stores can be frustrating. and shopping marathons are hard on my body. thrifting can be fun though. or grocery shopping together.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants yes and yes! i LOVE cooking. and eating out

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals all of the above, depending on how physically accessible it is i love going on trail rides and almost never get to ride horses so that's fun to do together. i like fairs and stuff too. i haven't done a lot of bird watching or anything but i'd be open to trying it

11) Other making art together! taking art, dance, or writing classes together.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? can't think of anything.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? no idea.

[thedivahrrrself]

Friendship Survey


Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Many of my friends live a couple hours away, so usually once a month I see my bestie. My in-town friends, sadly between school and work, don't get a lot more time than that.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Twice a week, unless he/she is a texter, then like every day.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
If they have children, I suppose it would be. I like doing kid stuff, but I don't like taking kids shopping.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Nope

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Not for me

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Yup, I work weird hours, and go to school most weekends. Kinda limits my social interaction time.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
I love last-minute planning. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. Unfortunately, significant others don't seem to like this much, so I'm learning to schedule things in advance.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
LOVE my butch friends! Most of them are not that much fun to shop with though...

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Depends on the reason they didn't like them.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I can't really think of one, recently. My best friend when I was younger was a gay man, and he cut everyone out of his life to go start a new one.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
When I found them to be dishonest or mean, or disrespectful of my time (she stood me up for get togethers multiple times, very last minute, with no good excuses). I don't have time for people who aren't truly good people in my life.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
This rarely ends well. I tend to say something, they tend not to like the fact that I noticed. And BTW "substance abuse problem" does not mean just using something, it means an actual problem.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
If it's a very close friend and physical abuse, if I'm honest, I'd probably threaten to kill the abuser. I've never been in a fight, but I'm a fierce ally if I love you.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Distance myself until they went away.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
If I was single...Pine.
LOL I don't make first moves.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Probably, though he/she may or may not change it.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I used to be more interested in having many friends rather than good ones, and as I grew up, I outgrew several friends as my standards got stricter.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
23 years - when we get together, it's like no time has passed at all, though it may be years between our visits.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
No, I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a friendship with my longest-relationship-ex, but I'm really not sure how people make this work. If you can, bully for you!

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Nice in theory, doesn't usually work.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friend to be probably more loyal and more brutally honest than a partner, but then again maybe that's just my experience with partners...

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I drove across the state to pick up a friend after her boyfriend beat her, and yes, I did threaten his life (hence my answer in question 6).

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
I have some of the greatest friends in the world. My bestie has been there listening to every problem I've ever had, knowing how to cheer me up is one of the most difficult things I think a friend can do, and she always knows how to make me smile, no matter how sour my mood.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Dishonesty, drama addiction, snottiness.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
slightly judgmental, know-it-all, shopping addiction

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
not at all, most of my friends are significantly older.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
intelligence level is more important than education level. i'm over-educated anyway.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
as I get older, I realize that this should probably more important than it is. I don't necessarily mind, but it can suck to always be the one footing the bill for your friends.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
not at all. (but no preaching)

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
I'm not sure what my class background is...LOL our socio-economic status changed a lot. I don't get along well with really spoiled people.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
not at all

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
n/a. my dogs will probably not like you, at first. Just FYI

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
If I have to drive somewhere for a weekend trip, the chihuahua is probably coming. Get used to it. and be glad I left the hairy one at home.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
meh...if that's what ya wanna do, ok...

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
very, I ♥ walking, even if it's not for "exercise", I walk a LOT.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
can be fun

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
not required, but I have a Kinect, and the Star Wars game just came out I'm just sayin'....

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not important. I like women's sports. I hate the NFL. I will only do that crap for a partner.

6) Participating in team sports
I suck at all sports, but I have heart! (dodgeball or bowling preferred. please don't make me catch a ball or swing at anything. it's not likely to happen)

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
YES! please be geeky.

8) Shopping
Important, though I understand if this is not your thing. Must have good taste in shoes.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I love to eat. I'm learning to love to cook, so bear with me on that one.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
I dig the zoo, I'll probably stick to the rides at the fair. I live in Oklahoma, I've seen enough cows to last a lifetime, thanks. I ♥ the dog park. I'm probably not a good birdwatching companion. I'm a terrible fisher(wo)man, so you'll have to bait my hook.

11) Other
"Other" is very important. Must be an "other"

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Geekiness - must like at least one of the following things:

Science (astronomy/physics earns you extra coolness points)
History
Technology
Star Wars/Game of Thrones/Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (bonus points for all three)

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Yes, it made me immediately think of shoe shopping after I read that.

[Ginger]

From Aishah!

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. i would love this if it were single and/or available! i had a fun time with friends at a queer muslim retreat recently where we did single/available speed dating. i'd go with a friend to a singles event and support them but i often feel awkward at singles events being the poly person.

Aishah, I never thought about that, how it would feel to be poly at a singles event! You just opened my eyes. Your whole survey was so thoughtful.

[Ginger]

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not important. I like women's sports. I hate the NFL. I will only do that crap for a partner.


Diva your whole set of survey answers is so full of humor. I had no idea you were so funny—and so honest, too!


Scout

[Ginger]

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? Nothing, but I do want to add that I am a Southern Girl and prefer my friends keep their opinions to themselves or talk behind my back rather than giving me their opinions about my life unless I ask them. I can be elusive, hard to pin down and enjoy my time alone.

Apocalipstic, this part is so interesting to me, a glimpse into what you identify as your Southern values. I had never heard it expressed that way. So fun to read your answers!

Scout

[clay]

awesome survey, Island Scout.....my only "concern" is that the replies are all in small and same color font as questions...so I had to forego reading them as they are so long and so small to read....(I have "old" eyes)...lol...carry on

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by claybaby

awesome survey, Island Scout.....my only "concern" is that the replies are all in small and same color font as questions...so I had to forego reading them as they are so long and so small to read....(I have "old" eyes)...lol...carry on

Oh Clay I'm sorry you're having a hard time reading this! I don't how to fix that...

I know it's really long, and I tried to encourage people to just answer the few that interest them, if they like. But so far people have really taken it on in its entirety!

Thanks for writing and Hi,
Scout