Why lipstick lesbians have to keep coming out of the closet

ValKyrie · 06-08-2012, 12:55 PM

I was raised in a fundamental christian religion that believes in a literal bible. I first felt the desire to kiss another girl when I was 8 years old and I made the mistake of telling a family member. I was severely chastised and told that I had to ask god for forgiveness and pray continuosly for him to change my heart. When I was 13 my father caught me in the closet with 2 of the neighbor girls. He sent me to reform school clear acrossed the US. I was there for 2 years. I went to a strict religious boarding academy for highschool, and there I met my first girlfriend. She was butch, but she would dress in dresses, etc. because it was expected of her. We both ended up marrying bio boys when we graduated, because we knew that if we were open we would both be shut out by our families, friends, everyone we knew. I am very femminine and always have been. Although I am pretty athletic and play some sports, and I don't mind getting dirty, or working on my car, I like to be girly about the way I do all of those things. I finally got the courage and confidence to come out last year. I left the church I grew up in several years ago, but it still has taken me a lot of time to make peace with the self shame so ingrained in me. I was married to a bio man (my second marriage) when I came out, although our relationship had been strictly platonic since the the birth of my youngest child (2 years old). He actually was the only person who didn't question the validity of me claiming to be a lesbian. I play roller derby and have a large group of friends who are on varrying degrees of the queer/gay continuim, but even to a lot of them, I feel like I have had to prove that I really am gay. My family has cut me off, not even allowing me to come to the funeral of a family member. My oldest child (from my first marriage), 13 year old, has not spoken with me since Thanksgiving. He is being raised in the same religion as I was and has been taught the same things about homosexuality being wrong.

I guess I've kind of gone off on a tangent here, my point is that I feel that now I actually have the courage and confidence to be my authentic self, I want everyone to know. It's frustrating to have bio men constantly hitting on me (sometimes they do it even when I'm out with my partner!) And if I tell them that I am a lesbian, they think it's hot and tell me that it's just because I haven't been with a "real" man. It feels really degrading. I am in an amazing relationship with a stone butch. People just assume that when I talk about dates, gifts, etc, that I am talking about a man. Even some of my lesbian friends have told me that I am not a real lesbian because my partner looks, talks, and acts like a boy. I guess I just want to feel validated. It's hard to feel like you don't fit in even with most of the people inside of your minority.

One of the sweetest things that my love has ever told me was that she never doubted that I was gay from the first time she saw me and I looked into her eyes.

mariamma · 06-08-2012, 01:29 PM

What a great tale. Thanks for sharing. And I do think it's great when I'm busted by gaydar. I used to hate it when I was with men (conscious choice....long story) but it is great when someone looks into your eyes and SEES you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ValKyrie

I was raised in a fundamental christian religion that believes in a literal bible. I first felt the desire to kiss another girl when I was 8 years old and I made the mistake of telling a family member. I was severely chastised and told that I had to ask god for forgiveness and pray continuosly for him to change my heart. When I was 13 my father caught me in the closet with 2 of the neighbor girls. He sent me to reform school clear acrossed the US. I was there for 2 years. I went to a strict religious boarding academy for highschool, and there I met my first girlfriend. She was butch, but she would dress in dresses, etc. because it was expected of her. We both ended up marrying bio boys when we graduated, because we knew that if we were open we would both be shut out by our families, friends, everyone we knew. I am very femminine and always have been. Although I am pretty athletic and play some sports, and I don't mind getting dirty, or working on my car, I like to be girly about the way I do all of those things. I finally got the courage and confidence to come out last year. I left the church I grew up in several years ago, but it still has taken me a lot of time to make peace with the self shame so ingrained in me. I was married to a bio man (my second marriage) when I came out, although our relationship had been strictly platonic since the the birth of my youngest child (2 years old). He actually was the only person who didn't question the validity of me claiming to be a lesbian. I play roller derby and have a large group of friends who are on varrying degrees of the queer/gay continuim, but even to a lot of them, I feel like I have had to prove that I really am gay. My family has cut me off, not even allowing me to come to the funeral of a family member. My oldest child (from my first marriage), 13 year old, has not spoken with me since Thanksgiving. He is being raised in the same religion as I was and has been taught the same things about homosexuality being wrong.

I guess I've kind of gone off on a tangent here, my point is that I feel that now I actually have the courage and confidence to be my authentic self, I want everyone to know. It's frustrating to have bio men constantly hitting on me (sometimes they do it even when I'm out with my partner!) And if I tell them that I am a lesbian, they think it's hot and tell me that it's just because I haven't been with a "real" man. It feels really degrading. I am in an amazing relationship with a stone butch. People just assume that when I talk about dates, gifts, etc, that I am talking about a man. Even some of my lesbian friends have told me that I am not a real lesbian because my partner looks, talks, and acts like a boy. I guess I just want to feel validated. It's hard to feel like you don't fit in even with most of the people inside of your minority.

One of the sweetest things that my love has ever told me was that she never doubted that I was gay from the first time she saw me and I looked into her eyes.

boobookitty · 06-08-2012, 03:07 PM

"It is radical to present yourself femininely knowing that masculine is still valued and privileged, even in a queer community made up entirely of females."

I agree...
I just wanted to share a remiinder that not all lipstick lesbians are femme.
Most of the time when I read something about lipstick's --'lipstick lesbian' and 'femme' are treated as if the terms mean the same thing.

We are few in number, but there are for real Lipstick Butches, out here in the real world.

06-08-2012, 03:07 PM	#3
boobookitty Member How Do You Identify?: I like the tag Lipstick Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: not picky, but male pronouns are soothing to the psyche Relationship Status: not looking for more than friends Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: central USA Posts: 119 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 70 Thanked 215 Times in 59 Posts Rep Power: 1451775	"It is radical to present yourself femininely knowing that masculine is still valued and privileged, even in a queer community made up entirely of females." I agree... I just wanted to share a remiinder that not all lipstick lesbians are femme. Most of the time when I read something about lipstick's --'lipstick lesbian' and 'femme' are treated as if the terms mean the same thing. We are few in number, but there are for real Lipstick Butches, out here in the real world. __________________ [I]LOL...yeah, I'm a cisgender heterosexual male crossdresser trapped in a womans body. [/I]:sunglass:

06-08-2012, 12:55 PM	#1
ValKyrie Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Relationship Status: Over the moon Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Portland, OR Posts: 12 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39 Thanked 75 Times in 11 Posts Rep Power: 1068895	I was raised in a fundamental christian religion that believes in a literal bible. I first felt the desire to kiss another girl when I was 8 years old and I made the mistake of telling a family member. I was severely chastised and told that I had to ask god for forgiveness and pray continuosly for him to change my heart. When I was 13 my father caught me in the closet with 2 of the neighbor girls. He sent me to reform school clear acrossed the US. I was there for 2 years. I went to a strict religious boarding academy for highschool, and there I met my first girlfriend. She was butch, but she would dress in dresses, etc. because it was expected of her. We both ended up marrying bio boys when we graduated, because we knew that if we were open we would both be shut out by our families, friends, everyone we knew. I am very femminine and always have been. Although I am pretty athletic and play some sports, and I don't mind getting dirty, or working on my car, I like to be girly about the way I do all of those things. I finally got the courage and confidence to come out last year. I left the church I grew up in several years ago, but it still has taken me a lot of time to make peace with the self shame so ingrained in me. I was married to a bio man (my second marriage) when I came out, although our relationship had been strictly platonic since the the birth of my youngest child (2 years old). He actually was the only person who didn't question the validity of me claiming to be a lesbian. I play roller derby and have a large group of friends who are on varrying degrees of the queer/gay continuim, but even to a lot of them, I feel like I have had to prove that I really am gay. My family has cut me off, not even allowing me to come to the funeral of a family member. My oldest child (from my first marriage), 13 year old, has not spoken with me since Thanksgiving. He is being raised in the same religion as I was and has been taught the same things about homosexuality being wrong. I guess I've kind of gone off on a tangent here, my point is that I feel that now I actually have the courage and confidence to be my authentic self, I want everyone to know. It's frustrating to have bio men constantly hitting on me (sometimes they do it even when I'm out with my partner!) And if I tell them that I am a lesbian, they think it's hot and tell me that it's just because I haven't been with a "real" man. It feels really degrading. I am in an amazing relationship with a stone butch. People just assume that when I talk about dates, gifts, etc, that I am talking about a man. Even some of my lesbian friends have told me that I am not a real lesbian because my partner looks, talks, and acts like a boy. I guess I just want to feel validated. It's hard to feel like you don't fit in even with most of the people inside of your minority. One of the sweetest things that my love has ever told me was that she never doubted that I was gay from the first time she saw me and I looked into her eyes.