Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

[SweetJane]

I think we've all had horror stories. Mine is I was asked to lunch when I was in town. Called to see where to meet and was told to the person's house. I spent all afternoon watching this person wash and comb out her three dogs.... Never saw her again......

So how do I want to be treated on a date?

I want the butch to show some interest. It doesn't have to be extravagant. Just show me that you want to know me.

Be on time or call if you'll be delayed.

Of course, open the door for me and make sure I'm safe inside your vehicle.

Treat me as the lady I am in public but don't be shy about holding my hand or putting an arm around me. Just don't be all over me. (That's more about you than about your interest in me.)

Talk to me. Ask me questions. Tell me about your life and your goals and dreams. Make me laugh with your quirky view of life or your curious observations, not stock jokes.

Look at me. Let me see you.

Be attentive to what I reveal about what I like to do that are things you enjoy or have wanted to do. Challenge me gently to try new things. Broaden my experience with your experience and I will do the same.

I enjoy conversation. Get to know me. What we do on our dates will come from our mutual interests or our willingness to dip into those activities we've never tried--but would have with a trusted friend. Let trust build.

Affection will spring from this.

[lusciouskiwi]

I'm trying to think if I've ever been on a date. I had one in Wellington - I was staying with my parents in a city about two hours north. Drove down to meet a dyke whom I'd been chatting with on pinksofa. She knew what I looked like, everything. I thought I looked nice - I made an effort. I was wearing knee-high black boots, black pants and a nice black jersey (sweater). Can't remember what make up I was wearing. This dyke was clearly not interested in me the minute she saw me and funnily enough some friends turned up not long after. I didn't even get much conversation or even an explanation. Put me off big age differences permanently.

I think, like most blossoms, it's not so much the place or the cost, it's the company and the attention. I'm not used to having the car door opened for me so that would probably tickle me pink. I wouldn't expect to go somewhere noisy and crowded unless we had our own little bubble - I don't want to have to yell and say "eh?" because I can't hear. I expect a two-sided conversation. I want to feel that you're interested in getting to know me. I appreciate humour and I appreciate insightful comments. I do like good food. But good food doesn't always have to be expensive. But I don't want McDs, KFC, etc. I'd like to go somewhere that either's special for both of us or, if things developed successfully, is a place that becomes a special part of our memories as a couple.

I expect you to dress nicely, to dress in such a way that I'm going to enjoy looking at you. Even if the date is a picnic on the beach I still expect you to make an effort in how you dress. I expect you to smell nice, I'd prefer no cologne to something cheap and nasty. I love perfume and cologne and I'm a bit fussy with that.

I don't want stale cigarette breath - I prefer non-smokers as a general rule anyways.

And I'd be quite happy if there was a little something something that I get to feel a bit of when you kiss me good night.

And if you're lucky, I might invite you over for breakfast the next morning ...

[alexri]

I have to say...I am horrified and disgusted by what some people have put you ladies through!

I feel like apologizing on behalf of the entire butch community.

[Ginger]

My first date with my current partner was in a Thai restaurant in the West Village. The food was awful, but I couldn't eat anyway; I was so excited to meet her, to see if she were real, the person who wrote the quietly thoughtful emails, who noticed things in my words and tone that others would have missed—a barely expressed hesitancy, a joy I was too shy to say outright.

I am usually the listener and seem to attract talkers, but she is also a listener, so it was good that we happened to pick a place that was quiet, where we drew each other out.

We were on our respective lunch hours, and sat by the front windows. It was December, very cold out, but the sun was warm, beating down on our table. It was so quiet you could hear our chop sticks, when we rested them on our plates. Afterwards, we walked to the subway and I impulsively hugged her.

That's all I ask for on a date, especially a first date: To be in a peaceful place, so we can focus on each other.

I don't want the heightened pressure of formality of a first date, I want to be in a casual setting that has some aesthetic appeal: sunlight, or gentle colors. This is even more important to me than the food.

Later, when we are feeling more of a bond, and our personalities have emerged more fully, I'm up for anything—a wild place, dancing, some kind of intense outdoor activity.

[Leigh]

I can't say that I've really been on many dates per say, but I have been on a few and I'm pretty confident in knowing what I like on dates (first or otherwise):

~ Manners are a good thing; please, thank you, opening doors for me and pulling out my chair (though the doors thing I like opening doors too)

~ Fun conversation, wherever we are whether its a coffee shop or restaurant I want things to flow as easily as they can

~ Getting to know one another; hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations, likes and dislikes

~ The willingness to really open our hearts and be ourselves

[LipstickLola]

I recently met someone with whom I'd been getting to know through email and text. First meeting was breakfast, casual, right? but, I still "primped" and dressed nicely, smelled good, etc lol. She? Was ten minutes late, in gym clothes (I have no problem with gym clothes really) and declared to me that she was NEVER on time unless it was work related. A complete turnoff, we no longer communicate......

Expectation too high? Didn't feel it to me, but maybe I'm too harsh....
Lola

[Martina]

Originally Posted by SweetJane

I think we've all had horror stories. Mine is I was asked to lunch when I was in town. Called to see where to meet and was told to the person's house. I spent all afternoon watching this person wash and comb out her three dogs.... Never saw her again......

This is the kind of thing that makes me crazy. I had an afternoon first date with a butch who wanted to make a stop first. It was at a furniture store. She was picking out furniture to rent for a condo she was staging to sell. We were there maybe forty minutes. Then she talked about her ex during lunch and casually mentioned that the ex said that she -- the butch at lunch -- was sort of stalking her. No second date, of course.

I think disrespecting my time pisses me off more than anything. Rescheduling a lot, being really late, and, as I said in an earlier post, stopping at the gas station or ATM while with me, just doing anything to waste my time and bore me. I do not go into a first date expecting to meet my life partner. No high expectations. But if you waste my time, I am not going to give you any more of it.

[aishah]

things that are nice to have in a first date:
...let me know if you don't have money and want to do something inexpensive. i know what that's like. i never go on a date with someone unless i have a little bit of money - it's really nice if they pay, but i always make sure i can pay for myself in case they don't pay. i'm also used to doing inexpensive things...which leads me to...
...i prefer first dates with low pressure. meeting for coffee/tea is my favorite kind of first date.
...don't pressure me for physical contact. if we hit it off and there's chemistry, i might be open to touching/kissing. but touching/kissing/demanding i sit closer, etc. without consent makes me feel really unsafe unless we've been friends for awhile first.
...don't look at me weirdly if i ask you if i can hug/kiss you. it means i want to be close to you. take it as a compliment - and i won't be offended if you're not comfortable or want to say no.
...also don't look at me weirdly if i ask about how you identify or your pronouns - it just means i want to know who you are and be respectful instead of assuming things and possibly being wrong.
...i don't think it's necessary for you to open doors, bring me flowers, etc...but it's always appreciated
...it's nice to be around people who are considerate of my access needs...like, don't invite me to a place that has a huge ass flight of stairs. if you do that more than once we probably won't date for very long.
...it's also nice to be around people who think my quirkiness is cute

things i don't care about in a first date (or ever):
...how much money you have.
...what your car looks like.
...how expensive your clothes are - dressing nicely and having clean clothes is awesome (i'm a sucker for slacks or jeans and a button-down shirt). but i don't care if they came from goodwill, wal-mart, or a designer store.

things i really don't want in a first date:
...being asked out to places that are out of my way, or asked to go to multiple places - i don't drive and i take the bus. so, meeting me somewhere that's centrally located where i can get to independently of you is really awesome.
...it takes awhile for me to be comfortable riding in the car or being tipsy/drunk alone with someone, so don't assume i'll be okay with meeting somewhere out of the way or going to a bar at night with you - because i probably won't on a first date.
...hearing about your entire history with your ex.
...an excess of (or any) cologne. i'd rather smell you (preferably within 24 hours of a shower), not your old spice and calvin klein. and i'm allergic.
...sex. been there, done that, you're not getting any until i know you better. meaning 3-5 dates or so at least.

[laruss]

Originally Posted by LipstickLola

I recently met someone with whom I'd been getting to know through email and text. First meeting was breakfast, casual, right? but, I still "primped" and dressed nicely, smelled good, etc lol. She? Was ten minutes late, in gym clothes (I have no problem with gym clothes really) and declared to me that she was NEVER on time unless it was work related. A complete turnoff, we no longer communicate......

Expectation too high? Didn't feel it to me, but maybe I'm too harsh....
Lola

Definitely not too high. I am NOT surprised you don't communicate any longer. First dates are for first impressions, and she didn't make a very good one.

[KayCee]

Showing up in gym clothes on a first date and never on time? I would have left immediately...just sayin'

[LipstickLola]

Originally Posted by Kitty4U

Showing up in gym clothes on a first date and never on time? I would have left immediately...just sayin'

Thanks for the validations . I thought about leaving, lol. But I hadn't had coffee and I was hungry
She's an attorney and VERY impressed with herself, me? not so much!!

Onward and upward!!

[diamondrose]

I like to feel focused on as I would focus on that person. One thing that really peeves me is someone who pays more mind to their phone than me while out to eat. Just saying