Changing last names

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

Amanda and I were in bed the other night. She was lazily stroking my pit hair and said,"Hun, I've been thinking." I got scared, and she smiled,"Baby, don't worry, we're still getting married." I calmed down and asked,"Then what is it?" She told me,"When we get married, I'm taking your last name." I smiled,"Amanda Thompson does sound nice."

So, did/will you or your SO change their last name if/when you marry/have commitment ceremony?

Nope i have not and would not do this. Just not for me.

[DapperButch]

tantalizing says that if we marry/civil union, then she will take my last name.

[Kobi]

I wouldnt take a partners last name and I would be reluctant for them to take mine.

It's a highly personal thing, partly steeped in history i.e. the name change indicated the shift of "ownership" from father to husband. That dynamic isnt me in any way, thus it is not appealing.

Symbolically, even a hyphen indicates a "belonging to" in a way that makes me twitch.

I prefer thinking of marriage, which is legal here, as a partnership of two individuals who have chosen to be together, mindful that each brings their own history, individuality, and legacy to the whole. To me, each retaining their own name and own historical legacy reflects this.

[Bard]

Desd took my last name it meant a lot to me one thing I could give to her that I have never given to anyone

[TenderDaddy]

I echo this. I would never insist on it but it sure would make my heart swell up if she wanted to.

Originally Posted by Bard

Desd took my last name it meant a lot to me one thing I could give to her that I have never given to anyone

[Kent]

When and if I ever marry, I'd want and hope my girl would want to change her last name to mine.

[s0litude]

Originally Posted by TenderDaddy

I would never insist on it but it sure would make my heart swell up if she wanted to.

Agreed! In the future, I'd be honoured if she chose to, but it would be just that: her choice. But c'mon... I'd want her to want my last name, but I just wouldn't push it.

My ex of 2 years did take my last name because...

1. She thought my last name was great
2. She wasn't especially fond of her last name
3. The whole rigid gender expectations thing was more important to her than me

Afterwards, she took her religious name-- and kept it even after she re-married.

[cinnamongrrl]

This brings up and interesting line of thinking....I DO want to take Teddy's name when we get married....but then I will have a different name than my children. I suppose, their being both girls...its inevitable that this will occur at some time...I guess it would be silly of me to hold on to an old name for this reason. And truly, I dont have a name to go back to that's really mine....long story there....
';

[Little Fish]

I've thought about this a lot actually....

In my family's tradition, we each get a new name as we cross the threshold of adulthood. After a lengthy period (years) of spritual work etc, we relinquish our "baby" names to embrace one which is more fitting of who we are as adults. (but really, your Grandmother is always going to be calling you by your baby name so don't even think you're gonna escape that! Yes Gram I'm looking at you....) Some family members have elected to have this be their new legal name while other family members use this new "adult" name only among family and during ceremonial occasions.

My name is as unique to me as my fingerprint, it fits me perfectly. I hope my future partner would consider taking my name but it's not a deal-breaker at all. We each have different cultural traditions and opinions about names and certainly I respect Hers, whatever they are....

Having said that, it would be an immense honor if she chose to share my name. It's only in the receiving, that the gift is given.

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Little Fish

We each have different cultural traditions and opinions about names and certainly I respect Hers, whatever they are....

Having said that, it would be an immense honor if she chose to share my name. It's only in the receiving, that the gift is given.

I loved what you said here, Little Fish, thank you. I couldn't have put it any better.

I just want to explain why I feel the way I do:

I am a hispanic (latina) queer stone femme...I prefer partnering with a TG/FtM individual. I am from a very culturally submissive background (in my world/region/family). However--

I come from very activist parents (Chicanos ala Gloria Anzaldua)--my mother a feminist, my father a union organizer/steward--but that's another story...trust me, I am NOT a pushover...I am a strong, smart, honest, opinionated, independent, loving, amazing woman...I will not lower my head nor my standards for anyone...I do what I want, how I want, when I want, (hopefully in a very fair and loving way, but sometimes not)...

When I marry I would like to give something very precious and important to my partner. Not my power or voice, but my heart and my commitment to the relationship.

Even if I didn't partner with masculine identified personalities, and I chose to be married/civil union to someone other than that, to me--I would want to retain my own heritage/culture/traditions while adopting those of my partner, even if he/she is not of the same culture.

So, the hyphen comes from my consenting to take his name as a partner to our union--a gift of myself to him. He is my other half at that point, hence the hyphen. Half me, half him...

[nekohl]

my last name is too awesome to give up.

[starryeyes]

Well, since my partner (Justin) and I both have the same name, (Lisa) it would be even more confusing if I took her last name.... Haha! People can barely keep us straight now.... Butch Lisa or girly Lisa!? Haha :-)

And all hell is still breaking loose after trying to change my last name back to my maiden name after my divorce. So no, never changin my name again. I might not even go back to my maiden name. Not sure. Ugh. The headaches of name changes. Just say NO! Haha :-)

[Reader]

A number of years ago I worked at an actively feminist agency. A straight woman got divorced from her husband, bought a new house and got an advanced degree all in the same year. These were big milestones in her life and she decided to have a naming ceremony/party to celebrate.

She invited people and instead of bringing gifts folks were to bring new names for her to consider, both first and last.

At the end of the night she chose both a new first and last name for herself and legally changed her name. She chose something with a feminist flavor that also "seemed" like her.

Pretty cool.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

D and I have discussed this a little bit, and haven't really come to any decision yet. I would be open to taking her name, only with a hyphen to mine.

I first got married when I was 16 yrs old. I was married to him for 27 yrs. When I married my second husband, I took his name. When he and I split, I wondered what name to change to.... my maiden name? I didn't know that girl anymore, I had been so far removed from HER I wouldn't have recognized her if I saw her on the street, you know? Then would I change it back to my first married name? That didn't seem to make any sense either, even though that was my 2 son's last name. But they were adults, so that really wasn't an issue. So I decided to just stay with my name I had from husband #2. I was used to the name.

Now, 11 yrs later, I have a business, and a career, and an identity of ME, with "that" name. I have kinda just grown into it, and it is just ME.

So when D and I get married next year, the question is whether I will just retain my name different from hers, or take hers, or do the hyphen thing. I think we need to discuss it more. I do like what someone said in an earlier post here about having something to give that no one else can give (paraphrasing). I would like that, I think.

APG

[girl_dee]

i've never changed my name... even when i married my ex husband i never changed my name. For *me* it feels like part of the lump of other misogynistic traditions that women were required to do just because we are women.

i appreciate that others do not feel this way and i think it's great that we have the choice!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i've never changed my name... even when i married my ex husband i never changed my name. For *me* it feels like part of the lump of other misogynistic traditions that women were required to do just because we are women.

i appreciate that others do not feel this way and i think it's great that we have the choice!

Dee, help me understand...total sincerity here. Explain how you being a submissive, deferring to your Sir/Syr 24/7 is not more deferential than simply taking a person's name? I mean, that IS the dynamic, no? You submit (defer), to her.

Of course, I see nothing wrong with your relationship/dynamic, I am just trying to understand why you would see taking your Syr/Sir's name (if you married) as fitting in with being a "misogynistic tradition" (and therefore problematic), when your daily dynamic includes your deferring to her?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Dee, help me understand...total sincerity here. Explain how you being a submissive, deferring to your Sir/Syr 24/7 is not more deferential than simply taking a person's name? I mean, that IS the dynamic, no? You submit (defer), to her.

Of course, I see nothing wrong with your relationship/dynamic, I am just trying to understand why you would see taking your Syr/Sir's name (if you married) as fitting in with being a "misogynistic tradition" (and therefore problematic), when your daily dynamic includes your deferring to her?

Do you equate a femme taking the butches name as being deferential to that butch?

[Martina]

I think it's generational in part. The pendulum seems to have swung back some. I think it's too bad if someone is pressured to change her name when she doesn't want to. Worse than too bad. But if you want to, if it means something to you to change it, I say go for it. It can mean a lot of good things, mostly that we are forming a family. We are not just lovers, we are kin. We share our property, our place in this world, our fates.

Speaking of property, I know happily married people who have never even merged their finances. LONG married folks. One of my best friend's best friend -- she and her husband cover the expenses 50-50 and have separate accounts. I have no idea if they are even each other's beneficiaries. I assume so. And I really don't have a judgement because it works for them.

But for me, the ideal is for people to pull together. It's a long road, and it is good to know that other person is all in.