Wedding planning

[Sparkle]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Not to highjack the thread (which this is), do people still do this? I mean, get china when they marry? Last marriage I was involved in in any way was 20 years ago and that was my sister. They got china, but is that still the case?

Yes, some couples do. I would say that typically they are young 20/30-something heterosexual couples from upper middle class families who have a very traditional wedding where the Bride's family foots the bill and the couple registers at some big department store or a multitude of stores.

Some gay couples also opt for a very traditional wedding and have registries and bridal showers and ginormous wedding parties and the whole nine yards.

But I've been to an extraordinary number of gay and straight weddings in the past 3-4 years, and while they've incorporated many traditional aspects they have also tended to dial back on spending and also on their expectations of family and friends. Many couples I know have had very small weddings and then thrown a big party afterward, or have set up "honeymoon" fund registry asking guests to contribute toward the cost of their post-wedding vacation or have set up a philanthropic website asking guests to give to one of 3 or 4 charitable organizations they select.


/event planner & bridesmaid too many times over.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

Yes, some couples do. I would say that typically they are young 20/30-something heterosexual couples from upper middle class families who have a very traditional wedding where the Bride's family foots the bill and the couple registers at some big department store or a multitude of stores.

Some gay couples also opt for a very traditional wedding and have registries and bridal showers and ginormous wedding parties and the whole nine yards.

But I've been to an extraordinary number of gay and straight weddings in the past 3-4 years, and while they've incorporated many traditional aspects they have also tended to dial back on spending and also on their expectations of family and friends. Many couples I know have had very small weddings and then thrown a big party afterward, or have set up "honeymoon" fund registry asking guests to contribute toward the cost of their post-wedding vacation or have set up a philanthropic website asking guests to give to one of 3 or 4 charitable organizations they select.

/event planner & bridesmaid too many times over.

The first-a small wedding and a big party-is correct, but OP, please don't do either of the other two things. It's not really good etiquette to tell your guests what to buy you (i.e. a honeymoon), or to say anything like "in lieu of gifts, donate to this charity". That's supposed to be the couple's business, and a wedding is not a fundraiser.

[justkim]

There is nothing wrong with asking people to do a donation to a charity or help with funds for the honeymoon. More people are living together long before getting married so they accumulate household items that would normally be given as gifts.
When my aunt married her boyfriend of 30 years they asked that guest (if they wanted to) could donate to local charities. As they had everything they needed and would rather help those in need.
You can ask 10 different people and the answers and suggestions will vary. You do what feels right for the two of you. Good luck and many blessing to you and yours.

[Parker]

My nephew is getting married in 2 months and his fiance set up a website with all of their info about the ceremony, reception, accommodations, wedding party, etc; and the site included registries (ourwedding.com or something) - they had everything from the very formal crystal and china to normal household items on there.

The thing I loved about their registry though was the fact that they are going on a Royal Caribbean Cruise for their honeymoon and they registered there as well - so people could get them things to do/use/whatever while on their honeymoon, like a wine tasting, a dinner, a cabin picnic, a massage, etc.

I thought that was cute and instantly wanted to get them something for during their honeymoon - something they maybe couldnt afford or would like to do but wouldnt normally do it for themselves.


Oh, the other thing I was going to mention: I was talking to a friend the other day about her daughter's upcoming wedding and apparently, according to my friend's family that is, if one of you is going to wear a wedding dress, you need to buy it 8 months in advance so alterations, etc can be done in plenty of time ..... ?

Who knew. lol

[Sparkle]

Originally Posted by guihong

The first-a small wedding and a big party-is correct, but OP, please don't do either of the other two things. It's not really good etiquette to tell your guests what to buy you (i.e. a honeymoon), or to say anything like "in lieu of gifts, donate to this charity". That's supposed to be the couple's business, and a wedding is not a fundraiser.

I don't agree at all

While I believe wholeheartedly in good manners, I do not subscribe to "Miss Manners" rules of etiquette because I think they are antiquated and represent a society and culture we (most of us) no longer live in.

Almost all guests attending weddings recognize how god awfully expensive it is to throw a wedding/reception event. More than half of all guests give money to the couple, NOT items off a registry anyway. In fact in my experience almost everyone arrives with a card and a cheque enclosed.

IMHO, setting up a honeymoon fund or a charitable giving fund is no different than setting up a traditional registry where people buy you blenders and pieces of china etc. And I think guests prefer it to writing a cheque, its nice to know my $100 dollars is going to the Southern Poverty Law Center or our local animal shelter and I don't mind at all if my gift is helping to send them on a scuba diving trip or a tour of the Forum, in fact as a guest I would much prefer that to buying them a toaster oven or a ridiculously expensive tea setting.

[Kobi]

As a social science person, I love threads like this cuz it gives me the opportunity not only to learn what people think or do but why they think or do it. "Why" means a lot to me but I can be weird that way.

I like traditional type weddings for young people. It is familiar to me and feels good to celebrate their new life together in a special kind of way. It's kind of like a welcome to adulthood and the community as a new family kind of thing.
And, it is family driven.

For older couples, or those who have been married before, the meaning seems more personalized, tailored to each couple. It is couple driven rather than family driven.

Am used to families or the couple themselves setting a budget for the type of wedding they choose to have. Am used to the couple budgeting for the honeymoon. With the costs today, variations are not uncommon. It still feels odd to me to ask your guests to absorb part of the costs of either.

I like when people register cuz I hate shopping and it takes the guess work out of things. I dont understand using a registry when people have been together for years or are merging households. That seems less about necessity and more about upgrading.

I have never gotten an invitation or heard of one that specified a donation in leiu of a gift. Might this mean people feel guests should contribute something or that guests expect to contribute something and this is a way to do it?

The most unique wedding invitation I ever received was one that specifically said, "Please omit gifts. We just want to enjoy your company." That was cool. I like clear cut meaning. LOL.

[Bard]

my wife did a lot of the planning she used the site the Knot quite a bit. we also got a or photographer from Davids Bridal they we really quite helpful and still call to check in. We made our day our own like for the favors we gave out Lottery tickets it took over a year to plan and there were ups and downs but it was a amazing day if I can be of any help lol just holler

[stephfromMIT]

I LOVE your advice! To answer other questions raised:

We're marrying at the church we worship at, reception in Cambridge (70 or so guests)

Both sets of parents are ecstatic about our nuptials. (both of us "came out" drama free) They are both middle-class white collar dads/SAHMs.

We both have student debt/will just be starting our respective careers.

The things we'd need to pay our own way for:Wedding gown/tuxedo, Diamond on gold band/Men's platinum band

[Bard]

we paid for the church dress tux photography we did a budget had the dress on layaway ect

[Sparkle]

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

I LOVE your advice! To answer other questions raised:

We're marrying at the church we worship at, reception in Cambridge (70 or so guests)

Both sets of parents are ecstatic about our nuptials. (both of us "came out" drama free) They are both middle-class white collar dads/SAHMs.

We both have student debt/will just be starting our respective careers.

The things we'd need to pay our own way for:Wedding gown/tuxedo, Diamond on gold band/Men's platinum band

That is wonderful that your families are so supportive and willing to underwrite most of the costs. Its amazing, really!

I would still encourage you and your partner to be actively involved in the budget and planning process - for a couple of reasons...

1. When you're aware of the cost of things, they have greater value -- not because they are expensive or not, but because you understand exactly what your parents are paying for that salmon vrs. filet entree, and when you have a sense of the value you are much more likely to be more appreciative and less likely to take for granted the enormous cost in money and in energy.

2. If one family is paying for everything then disregard this point, but if the two families are sharing the costs it is important for you and your partner to be active participants in the budget and decision making process so you can ensure that everyone is on the same page in terms of expectations and assigned responsibilities. This is important because you want to help facilitate a positive and healthy relationship between both sets of parents that will extend in to the future. You can't control your parents, or how they act/react, but you can help to avoid miscommunication pitfalls by being an active participant in the process - not sideline referees when trouble arises.

(trust me on this one, my sister will be forever negotiating holidays and birthday parties because my mother and her mother-in-law fell out over stupid little details, they didn't say anything at the time but they stewed over it and now its handbags-at-dawn at every co-family function )

3. Weddings bring out the best and the worst of everyone involved, even the calmest, sweetest of people. Both you and your partner will hit points of utter frustration, sheer exhaustion and total apathy and you will *both* have your own bride/butch-zilla moments. (you may say: "no way, never, not me" but I promise you - you will both have them).

And equally, with both sets of parents intimately involved you can be guaranteed they will also have their high and low points in the process, they will have their mom-zilla moments, your fathers will have their "HOW MUCH?!?!?!" moments and not everyone will agree on everything all the way through...being prepared for those mini-(and sometimes not so mini)- meltdowns will help you keep things in perspective. It will help you take a deep breath and be gentle and kind with your partner when she loses it, and vice versa. Be sensitive. Be self-aware. Graciously accept that some concessions are worth while. Carry Rescue Remedy 24/7 (seriously).

4. Being involved will help you to remember to pick your battles wisely with your parents. If they are footing the bill you will have to make some concessions, some of the time. The more involved and aware you are of the costs and the details, the more likely you are to be able to ensure *your wedding* feels like *your wedding*, that it contains elements that are important to each of you and reflective of your values and beliefs about your relationship while still ensuring your parents feel appreciated and their contributions valued.

check out offbeatbride.com they have a lot of information, ideas and 'real life' stories regarding queer weddings.

Again, many congratulations!

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by guihong

The first-a small wedding and a big party-is correct, but OP, please don't do either of the other two things. It's not really good etiquette to tell your guests what to buy you (i.e. a honeymoon), or to say anything like "in lieu of gifts, donate to this charity". That's supposed to be the couple's business, and a wedding is not a fundraiser.

I agree. Etiquette has not changed. People may ignore it now but it does not make it OK.

Putting a trip or a charity on a registry for people to have the choice to contribute or not, may be more unorthodox but much, much better than putting anything on the wedding invitation asking for cash in lieu of gifts.

It creeps me out when I see that on wedding invitations.

[Sparkle]

With my professional event planner hat on…

It is never too soon to start talking money and begin creating a budget.
There are a number of websites that offer wedding budget templates; I can try to find you a link later if you need one.

But really the first step is to talk about money.

How much do you want to spend? How much can you afford to spend?
Are both sets of parents excited about the wedding? Do they want to be involved? Are they willing to contribute and if so, how much?

These seem like simple enough questions but as a society we are conditioned to NOT talk about money, we’re taught it’s rude and gauche, and as women that societal pressure is even greater and it impacts us throughout our lives hugely – in so many ways.

How transparent are you and your partner with your finances?
Your income? Your debt? Your credit limits? Your spending habits?
Your long term priorities? Your plans and hopes for the future?

If you don’t already have good, open, clear communication skills around money with your partner, now is the time to start developing them.
Otherwise you could end up -not just in fiscal trouble- but also putting an enormous strain on your relationship.

And along the same lines - How transparent are your parents about their money? Their resources? Their debt? Their retirement plans? Their expectations? Remember your parents have been conditioned in the same way you have, they’ve been taught its rude to talk about money.

How are your communication skills with them, around money?

This is not the time to hope your/her mom says “Don’t worry about it Darling, Daddy will pay for it” Unless of course your families have a lot of resources and are free and easy with them (not carrying a portion of your educational debt, or putting another child through college, or paying a second mortgage or worried about how much they’re going to live on when they retire).

You need to be able to say to your parent(s)

“Mom and/or Dad we know weddings are really expensive and we don’t want to accrue a huge amount of debt for one day – so if you could talk to each other about how much you are able to contribute and let me know that would be great, because that will greatly influence our planning process”

Because the first place to start, when planning a wedding, is with a ballpark figure of what you are able to spend. And when you get in to the finer points of budgeting you should also build in a contingency because the costs are always greater than what you plan for.

But starting with basics – let’s assume that both of your families are over the moon and they’ve done a little financial planning and are able help with wedding expenses (this may be a huge assumption, I realize) but for the sake of the exercise let’s say both of your families make a commitment to giving you $5,000 toward expenses, so you start with $10,000 (in the bank, so to speak) and you and your partner decide that in addition to all of your regular expense and savings plans - you are each willing and able to spend $2,500 on the wedding. So you’ve now got $15,000 to spend. Sounds like a lot, right? Yeah…not so much, and unless your resources are unlimited, you’re going to need to make decisions about what your priorities are for *your* event.

First off, there are expenditures that do not go in to your wedding budget that are typically absorbed by the each individual getting married those include: Clothing and Rings.

So when you’re thinking about how much you can afford to contribute to the wedding, you must also think about how much you are willing to spend on your dress/suit/accessories and the rings. Because those come off the top and you don’t want to have a $1,500 bespoke suit and a $5,000 engagement ring charged to your credit card without having already made a plan for paying those bills off so you can finance the event itself.

But you do have two years to plan, you can -with proper planning- defray some of those individual costs by purchasing the rings and the wedding ware sooner (rather than later) and making a plan to pay off those expenses prior to the big spending time of the event.

Once you’ve got a sense of your total income for the event, you should start doing your research.

The largest expenses are typically catering and alcohol and this is where you should begin your research:

Call up that hotel you love on the Cape and ask them how much their venue rental fee is? Does it include space for a ceremony and a reception? Ask them to send you catering package information? Ask what their policy and costs are as regards alcohol. Can you purchase wine wholesale and bring it to the event? If so what are their corkage charges?

When the shock of the cost per head wears off, start calling other venues and getting the same information. No matter where you do your event – this is most likely going to be your largest expense.

I live in Western Mass, so our prices aren’t comparable to yours in Cambridge or to prices in Urban areas in general, but around here a low price per head for a plated dinner from a good caterer is $25. That does NOT include alcohol. And an open bar for the duration of your wedding and it will set you back another $30 per head minimally (so now we’re up to $55 per guest…multiply that by 50 guests and your catering/bar bill is nearly $3,000, $6,000 if you have 100 guests) When you start getting in to the specifics of the menu and the alcohol and that cost per head will start rising.

There are plenty of ways to lower those expense: do a buffet instead of a plated dinner, do a brunch instead of dinner, have a dry wedding, offer wine and beer with dinner but a cash bar otherwise, offer a sparkling wine/juice toast but cash bar otherwise….etc.

Other big costs:

Venue Rental (and one venue for both ceremony and reception or two?): average around here is $2,500-3,000 and you need to make sure to ask if that includes tables, chairs, glassware, table settings, silverware, table linens? Because if they are not - those things are rented on a piece by piece basis and the costs add up quickly.

Photographer: basic packages start around $2,500 if you want albums or prints or a second photographer rates go up. What about video? That is an a different cost.

Live music? DJ?

Flowers?

Rehearsal dinner?

And what are your honeymoon plans? Have you researched how much flights and hotel costs run at that time of year?

Not getting married where you live? You’re going to need to plan for travel costs, hotel accommodation at the location.

When you start earmarking average costs for these items in your budget you’ll realize you’re going to have to make some decisions.

What do you care most about? What are your top priorities?
How many people do you want to attend?

What about your parents, if they’re contributing they may expect to have some influence on the guest list and other details. Best to clarify those items ahead of time.

Where are you willing to cut back?
Do you have any friends or family members who are: Caterers? Photographers? DJs? Florists? Can they donate their services or give them to you ‘at cost’? Or can they arrange a discounted rate with a friend of theirs?

I don’t mean to be the harbinger of fiscal wedding doom. I just see too many couples diving headlong in to the process before they really grasp what the big financial picture looks like.

Perhaps these are not concerns at all and that you do have unlimited resources!

In any case, Mazel Tov on your engagement! Have fun planning your wedding.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

Yes, some couples do. I would say that typically they are young 20/30-something heterosexual couples from upper middle class families who have a very traditional wedding where the Bride's family foots the bill and the couple registers at some big department store or a multitude of stores.



/event planner & bridesmaid too many times over.

You forgot the part where my brother in-law's parents picked up the alcohol tab at the reception.