Can a poly/mono work?

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

In the hypothetical scenario described above, it doesn't seem to be about whether someone is poly or mono, but whether someone has an expectation that their partner be poly or mono. If i expect a partner to be mono and they are not, it would probably be an issue. If I expect a partner to be poly and they aren't, it would probably be an issue. Either way, for the relationship to succeed, I imagine the "issues" need to be addressed.

Although "I'm going out to meet a lover" is honest, it doesn't seem very nurturing. I'd like to think that if I was monogamous in a relationship with someone poly, that there would be some discussion and ground rules established for what behaviors are acceptable. Likewise, if I was poly and had a mono partner, I'd like to think that I would treat her in a manner that was respectful at all times.

[Martina]

Yes, if someone can't tolerate you being poly, but wants to be, that is a problem.

But if one party wants to be monogamous and is happy with the other partner being poly -- which I think is the hypothetical -- then I imagine it can work.

My guess is that it would stand the greatest chance of success if the monogamous partner were basically poly, just not interested in more than one relationship at this time.

If a person with no experience of poly were to enter such a relationship as the monogamous partner, I would not give it much chance. But who knows?

[yotlyolqualli]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

That's great that you allowed yourself the freedom to explore that option, now you know it's just not going to work for your relationships.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

Well, I'm sorry to say, the person/people who accused you of all of those things is/are probably not worth having in your life. You know yourself. That's more than most people can say. Stay true to yourself.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

See this is what i mean by *could that ever work*

People often think or try to be with someone who is Poly, but when the time comes that they take another lover, they realize they are just not cut out for it.
Nothing wrong with that. Can't blame someone for exploring and not living something that they are not OK with.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

ditto. yaay poly happiness for anyone else. not so much for me.

i had a similar experience decades ago. only difference was that i was jealous and immature and insecure. the person making the accusation was a cheating asshat of the gold medal Olympian variety but that didnt make it any less true that i was also jealous and immature and insecure. i think a poly/mono relationship can work because there's no way *i* can say that they cant. blanket statements make my eyebrows go all twitchy. with that on the record, i know that *i* still dont have the emotional maturity it takes to be poly or to be in a relationship with someone who is.