Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)

Martina · 08-20-2012, 07:14 PM

I am not hyper feminine (nor differently femmed). Just femme. I never was androgynous or alternative. Certainly not butch.

I ID'd as femme because I wanted to fuck and be fucked by butches and wanted to feel like a woman (not a gay boy) while I was getting it. That's honestly how it started.

Then it grew to be part of me. It made sense. It acknowledged the natural connection I felt with my mom and other women while allowing me to be the queer that I am. (I am so oblivious to guys that I have been accused of being a 6 on the Kinsey scale.) It made sense for me.

I also fuck femmes. I like femmes sexually. That is unusual in butch-femme. I do not fuck femmes who try to bring out the boy in me. If I don't feel like a woman in bed, it ain't gonna happen twice.

I like Femme Tops and hungry girl bottoms. Right now, I'd say my preference is for femmes, but that stuff shifts around.

I try not to talk about femme in terms of how I dress or do my hair although it's almost impossible to avoid. But I am femme. I feel my grace, and to a special few, I have communicated it.

2qt · 08-20-2012, 07:30 PM

Great topic..

For me it when I first began to date women, I never really understood what I was attracted to I just knew I was attracted to women....

My 1st date and relationship was with a femme woman it wasn't a very lasting relationship because something inside me felt odd, strange, a sense of it not fitting....

I shrugged it off as just 2 people with 2 different goals in life and left it at that...

A little along the track I met another woman I connected with who happened to be femme again and again the same road led to a short term relationship of confusion, it was at this point that I began to question myself and my sexuality all over again, it was like I put myself back into a closet and I was feeling suffocated....

I remember thinking perhaps my parents are right, this was just a phase in my life and I would meet a man and fall in love and so it was, I met a man I had the wedding the white picket fence and soon a beautiful baby girl but something was still missing and my marriage failed....

After this I took some much needed self discovery into who I was, what I liked, what attracted me....A friend of mine came over who asked me to join her at a butch/femme dance curious at what it all meant I decided to give it a try...

Which is where I met an amazing woman whom just so happened to be a butch woman...

For the first time every started to fit, all those pieces that was missing was found in one person, when she brought me flowers I never had the feeling of it being wrong, when she held me in her arms it never felt confusing it just felt like home...

So that's when I began to accept and understand that my identity was a femme woman, and I was very much attracted to butch women...

Naturally having this idea has sparked much fuel in my life with my friends and others believing that labels are fake or a waste of time in fact I even had one go as far to tell me I was racist to my own kind lol but in the end....

I do identify to a label because it's not about being a label it's about being comfortable with who I am inside, it's about knowing what I can feel for another without force being involved, loving another femme woman for me felt forced, it felt empty and had no meaning for me....

I love the dynamics of a butch/femme relationship....I love my shopping, I love my shoes, I love my dresses, I love who I am as a person (Yes crazy emotions and all) and I need the opposite to balance me and make me whole....

Martina · 08-20-2012, 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2qt

I love who I am as a person (Yes crazy emotions and all) and I need the opposite to balance me and make me whole....

I know some pretty hormonal butches if that's what you're saying.

NJFemmie · 08-20-2012, 07:47 PM

I just am femme. I am constantly changing, evolving, exploring and just being me. I don't explain myself to anyone, I don't make excuses for anything I do "out of femme norm". There are times when I am super girly, and times when I'm not. I've been with butches, femmes and everything in between. I've topped and bottomed and go with the flow. I follow my heart and do what makes me feel right inside. I don't allow much to define my femininity - that is apparent no matter what.

2qt · 08-20-2012, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martina

I know some pretty hormonal butches if that's what you're saying.

No just meaning that I can often sometimes be over emotional or passionate on something I feel strongly about but it's just part of who I am as a whole and I love that about myself... I agree butches can be equally hormonal some just tend to express it differently to how I do, meaning I tend to be outspoken some butches I have been in a relationship with tend to close themselves up...

blush · 08-20-2012, 08:01 PM

I didn't have a Femme Moment. I had the gay moment, but femme just seemed a natural extension of me. As I became more comfortable with myself, I got a shit ton more girly. By being more girly, I found my voice and confidence. It just kinda fed on itself.

For me, being femme had very little to do with whom I was attracted to. In fact, defining myself as femme because I was attracted to masculine energy always made me feel more invisible.

girl_dee · 08-20-2012, 08:05 PM

When i was taken to a gay bar by a gay co-worker.

We walked in and i saw all the flat tops over at the bar and said * i don't wanna stay here, there's nothing but guys here!*

she said *dee? them ain't guys*

WOOOHOOO!!!

cara · 08-20-2012, 08:58 PM

I'm still learning and growing into my femme-ness. I love that as a community, we have gotten past the stereotyping bullshit that often happens when we hear the terms butch and femme. I am attracted to people not based on how they ID, but how our energy works together. Most I have dated look butch, but only a few have ID'd that way. I have also dated a few femmes.

Great topic. I'm curious to read more responses.

thedivahrrrself · 08-20-2012, 08:49 PM

For me, I started glittering about age 16. My mother is not very girly. She jokes that if it didn't sparkle or you couldn't pet it, I wouldn't wear it.

I came out at 17, and she was confused. I didn't help that much by dating a guy trying to "make sure" I was gay. Someone, I'm sure it was a gay man, slapped the label "femme" on me. It fit, and I was convinced I was some kind rebel, defying stereotypes. And I didn't want to date a stereotype, no! I would like femme girls, I decided. Until I met a charming (I use that term loosely, I was 19.) butch with gorgeous eyes.

We slept together and the way we did it felt so natural. Since then, it's been only Butch women for me.

I hated it when lesbians asked if I was straight when I was clearly in the dyke bar. I hate it when people ask who I'm there to support at Pride. I hate the backhanded compliment of "you don't look like a lesbian". My first instinct says Who the fuck are you to tell me what a lesbian looks like? But I say, "you don't look like a straight dude."

I'm a femme. I glitter. I like attention. I don't like feeling invisible.

The_Lady_Snow · 08-20-2012, 07:54 PM

I identified as dyke till right around 2001, I'm not overly girly not even as a wee lil lass I honestly was androgynous till about the age of 16 then my mother began her weird Latina Catholic cultural binary enforcement of heels and all things fluffy, frilly and uncomfortable to wear the only thing I liked was make up and having a skin regimen. I was often more comfortable amongst more masculine folk and just did my thing. I never truly embraced Femme until right around the age of 30 and after stumbling onto the dash site I learned that my gender presentation is Femme and I soaked in, participated and grew to know Femmes who were like myself.

I t was very emotional for me personally because I wasn't sure where I fit in the gender spectrum and because I often allowed my masculinity to be shamed I allowed the confusion to almost second guess my growing into my gender.

I feel very blessed to have attended outings, conferences, partake in convos both in real time and online that helped me embrace Femme. It's was a great relief that my gender had nothing to do with heteronormative expectations, clothing, hair, nails, who I date and so on.

I'm not fully grown into my gender I'm still on my journey and I don't think that it'll stop until I'm no longer here.

thedivahrrrself · 08-22-2012, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martina

I try not to talk about femme in terms of how I dress or do my hair although it's almost impossible to avoid. But I am femme. I feel my grace, and to a special few, I have communicated it.

LOL I have no grace. In fact, my nickname used to be Grace because I'm such an ungraceful klutz!

Someone should have sent me to charm school!

starryeyes · 08-22-2012, 08:54 AM

I only have an issue when I am in the general lesbian community. Then I am questioned or looked at weird or am misunderstood. I am not involved in the butch femme community in San Diego here very much at all because have not really found the pocket of folks yet. Instead, we hang out with people in the general lesbian population who are great, but it's nice to have that time with my femme sisters who I can really relate with. I keep saying I am going to try to find the BF people by organizing events, and then I get busy, hopefully soon!!

I work with many lesbians in my profession, but no femmes. They are all nice and everything but I am always the outsider. They don't understand me and my relationship with Lisa (Justin). They don't understand why I am attracted to butches and why I don't like pretty girls. We go round and round, but it's all good. There is a new office romance between two girlie girls and it's all the rage. They are always running off in the lunch room together, taking breaks together, scheduling shifts together. They boggle mind just as much as I boggle theirs! I always think... Who opens the door for who? Who pays for dinner? Who is the top? Who holds who's hand? Hahahha. I will ask them soon... Time for me to do the grilling!!!!!!! Tables are turning!!!

:-D

*Anya* · 08-22-2012, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starryeyes

They don't understand why I am attracted to butches and why I don't like pretty girls. We go round and round, but it's all good. There is a new office romance between two girlie girls and it's all the rage. They are always running off in the lunch room together, taking breaks together, scheduling shifts together. They boggle mind just as much as I boggle theirs! I always think... Who opens the door for who? Who pays for dinner? Who is the top? Who holds who's hand? Hahahha. I will ask them soon... Time for me to do the grilling!!!!!!! Tables are turning!!!

:-D

Starry, I love this! I can so relate

It was one of the most difficult things for me with my femme.

Maybe it is because I was socialized in my former life with men to let them do the initiating but I came across this all the time with her!

In the beginning we would both sit and look at each other, wanting to make love but having no clue how to "start".

I finally was pushed into more of a top role but that really was not me and never felt comfortable at all. Yes, I know there are plenty of alpha femme tops but I am not one of them (kind of a switch but that is another story).

Novelafemme · 08-22-2012, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

My first true femme moment was not my lesbian moment because that came well before my femme moment.

My first real lesbian relationship was my best friend, a femme. She was beautiful, sexy, funny, smart but something was missing for me.

We were together for about a year and drifted apart but stayed friends. Her next girlfriend was a darling baby butch with dimples named George (short for Georgiana but everyone called her George). When the femme and I got together she did not know until she met George that butches did it for her either.

I met my first butch at a NOW meeting, that hotbed of lesbian menaces (according to Betty Friedan anyway).

We became friends (as much as a butch and femme that are totally sexually attracted to each other can be) and she invited me over for drinks one night.

I was nervous as hell and totally excited in a way I never was with the femme. We chatted, laughed, the hour grew late. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Come here". I asked, "Why?" swallowing a gasp, knowing full well, and hoping like hell that I was right...

...she pulled me close and gave me a kiss that left me breathless.

It was a crystal-clear moment of knowing that "thing" that I was missing with the femme was the exact spark that the butch possessed. She did not make me more gay but she sure as hell made me more in touch with the femme that I would be from that moment on.

This whole post is wonderful, but especially the highlighted part!!

mariamma · 08-22-2012, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starryeyes

They boggle mind just as much as I boggle theirs! I always think... Who opens the door for who? Who pays for dinner? Who is the top? Who holds who's hand? Hahahha. I will ask them soon... Time for me to do the grilling!!!!!!! Tables are turning!!!

:-D

I'd love to be a butterfly on the wall when that happened. Thanks for sharing Starry

starryeyes · 08-22-2012, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mariamma

I'd love to be a butterfly on the wall when that happened. Thanks for sharing Starry

It's my own sterotype. I have my own perceptions on how things should be based on how I live my life. I am no different than them I suppose!

Ginger · 08-28-2012, 09:02 PM

I'm glad this thread is here.

I think people's identities are all so unique.

If someone takes credit for liberating or waking up or setting free the femme in you, beware.

That honor is yours only.

Anyway, that's what I believe.

Artdecogoddess · 08-29-2012, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I'm glad this thread is here.

I think people's identities are all so unique.

If someone takes credit for liberating or waking up or setting free the femme in you, beware.

That honor is yours only.

Anyway, that's what I believe.

This is wonderful! Thank you for posting this!

ADG

08-20-2012, 07:47 PM	#4
NJFemmie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: The original lime-twisted femme Preferred Pronoun?: I answer to most things, especially lesbian. Relationship Status: Still loving my Mare ;) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: New Jersey Posts: 4,683 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,343 Thanked 11,419 Times in 2,976 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I just am femme. I am constantly changing, evolving, exploring and just being me. I don't explain myself to anyone, I don't make excuses for anything I do "out of femme norm". There are times when I am super girly, and times when I'm not. I've been with butches, femmes and everything in between. I've topped and bottomed and go with the flow. I follow my heart and do what makes me feel right inside. I don't allow much to define my femininity - that is apparent no matter what. __________________

08-20-2012, 08:01 PM	#6
blush Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: I'm with goofy. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 911 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 962 Thanked 2,375 Times in 616 Posts Rep Power: 15632317	I didn't have a Femme Moment. I had the gay moment, but femme just seemed a natural extension of me. As I became more comfortable with myself, I got a shit ton more girly. By being more girly, I found my voice and confidence. It just kinda fed on itself. For me, being femme had very little to do with whom I was attracted to. In fact, defining myself as femme because I was attracted to masculine energy always made me feel more invisible. __________________ "We never forget those who make us blush." Jean-Francois de la Harpe

08-20-2012, 08:58 PM	#8
cara Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer/lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Married to my love 08.15.15 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 3,401 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,995 Thanked 13,255 Times in 2,725 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I'm still learning and growing into my femme-ness. I love that as a community, we have gotten past the stereotyping bullshit that often happens when we hear the terms butch and femme. I am attracted to people not based on how they ID, but how our energy works together. Most I have dated look butch, but only a few have ID'd that way. I have also dated a few femmes. Great topic. I'm curious to read more responses. __________________ "The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." ~Wade Davis

08-20-2012, 08:49 PM	#9
thedivahrrrself Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Sapiosexual Femme Relationship Status: Mrs. Grumpy Cat Tournaments Won: 4 Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: 8,660 feet high in the Andes Posts: 2,640 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,519 Thanked 11,657 Times in 2,292 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	For me, I started glittering about age 16. My mother is not very girly. She jokes that if it didn't sparkle or you couldn't pet it, I wouldn't wear it. I came out at 17, and she was confused. I didn't help that much by dating a guy trying to "make sure" I was gay. Someone, I'm sure it was a gay man, slapped the label "femme" on me. It fit, and I was convinced I was some kind rebel, defying stereotypes. And I didn't want to date a stereotype, no! I would like femme girls, I decided. Until I met a charming (I use that term loosely, I was 19.) butch with gorgeous eyes. We slept together and the way we did it felt so natural. Since then, it's been only Butch women for me. I hated it when lesbians asked if I was straight when I was clearly in the dyke bar. I hate it when people ask who I'm there to support at Pride. I hate the backhanded compliment of "you don't look like a lesbian". My first instinct says Who the fuck are you to tell me what a lesbian looks like? But I say, "you don't look like a straight dude." I'm a femme. I glitter. I like attention. I don't like feeling invisible. __________________ Small business owners around the world use microfinance to help expand their businesses and provide for their families. You can help! Click here to learn about Kiva.

08-20-2012, 07:54 PM	#10
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,080 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Gender I identified as dyke till right around 2001, I'm not overly girly not even as a wee lil lass I honestly was androgynous till about the age of 16 then my mother began her weird Latina Catholic cultural binary enforcement of heels and all things fluffy, frilly and uncomfortable to wear the only thing I liked was make up and having a skin regimen. I was often more comfortable amongst more masculine folk and just did my thing. I never truly embraced Femme until right around the age of 30 and after stumbling onto the dash site I learned that my gender presentation is Femme and I soaked in, participated and grew to know Femmes who were like myself. I t was very emotional for me personally because I wasn't sure where I fit in the gender spectrum and because I often allowed my masculinity to be shamed I allowed the confusion to almost second guess my growing into my gender. I feel very blessed to have attended outings, conferences, partake in convos both in real time and online that helped me embrace Femme. It's was a great relief that my gender had nothing to do with heteronormative expectations, clothing, hair, nails, who I date and so on. I'm not fully grown into my gender I'm still on my journey and I don't think that it'll stop until I'm no longer here. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

08-20-2012, 07:14 PM	#1
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,285 Times in 4,167 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I am not hyper feminine (nor differently femmed). Just femme. I never was androgynous or alternative. Certainly not butch. I ID'd as femme because I wanted to fuck and be fucked by butches and wanted to feel like a woman (not a gay boy) while I was getting it. That's honestly how it started. Then it grew to be part of me. It made sense. It acknowledged the natural connection I felt with my mom and other women while allowing me to be the queer that I am. (I am so oblivious to guys that I have been accused of being a 6 on the Kinsey scale.) It made sense for me. I also fuck femmes. I like femmes sexually. That is unusual in butch-femme. I do not fuck femmes who try to bring out the boy in me. If I don't feel like a woman in bed, it ain't gonna happen twice. I like Femme Tops and hungry girl bottoms. Right now, I'd say my preference is for femmes, but that stuff shifts around. I try not to talk about femme in terms of how I dress or do my hair although it's almost impossible to avoid. But I am femme. I feel my grace, and to a special few, I have communicated it.

08-20-2012, 07:30 PM	#2
2qt Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her.. Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Mothership Posts: 873 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 861 Thanked 1,966 Times in 582 Posts Rep Power: 15312203	Great topic.. For me it when I first began to date women, I never really understood what I was attracted to I just knew I was attracted to women.... My 1st date and relationship was with a femme woman it wasn't a very lasting relationship because something inside me felt odd, strange, a sense of it not fitting.... I shrugged it off as just 2 people with 2 different goals in life and left it at that... A little along the track I met another woman I connected with who happened to be femme again and again the same road led to a short term relationship of confusion, it was at this point that I began to question myself and my sexuality all over again, it was like I put myself back into a closet and I was feeling suffocated.... I remember thinking perhaps my parents are right, this was just a phase in my life and I would meet a man and fall in love and so it was, I met a man I had the wedding the white picket fence and soon a beautiful baby girl but something was still missing and my marriage failed.... After this I took some much needed self discovery into who I was, what I liked, what attracted me....A friend of mine came over who asked me to join her at a butch/femme dance curious at what it all meant I decided to give it a try... Which is where I met an amazing woman whom just so happened to be a butch woman... For the first time every started to fit, all those pieces that was missing was found in one person, when she brought me flowers I never had the feeling of it being wrong, when she held me in her arms it never felt confusing it just felt like home... So that's when I began to accept and understand that my identity was a femme woman, and I was very much attracted to butch women... Naturally having this idea has sparked much fuel in my life with my friends and others believing that labels are fake or a waste of time in fact I even had one go as far to tell me I was racist to my own kind lol but in the end.... I do identify to a label because it's not about being a label it's about being comfortable with who I am inside, it's about knowing what I can feel for another without force being involved, loving another femme woman for me felt forced, it felt empty and had no meaning for me.... I love the dynamics of a butch/femme relationship....I love my shopping, I love my shoes, I love my dresses, I love who I am as a person (Yes crazy emotions and all) and I need the opposite to balance me and make me whole....

08-20-2012, 08:05 PM	#7
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,832 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	When i was taken to a gay bar by a gay co-worker. We walked in and i saw all the flat tops over at the bar and said * i don't wanna stay here, there's nothing but guys here!* she said dee? them ain't guys WOOOHOOO!!!

08-22-2012, 08:54 AM	#12
starryeyes Senior Member How Do You Identify?: a round peg in a square hole Preferred Pronoun?: Guess... Relationship Status: Seat taken Join Date: May 2011 Location: Rocky Mountain High Posts: 2,491 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,199 Thanked 10,051 Times in 2,076 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I only have an issue when I am in the general lesbian community. Then I am questioned or looked at weird or am misunderstood. I am not involved in the butch femme community in San Diego here very much at all because have not really found the pocket of folks yet. Instead, we hang out with people in the general lesbian population who are great, but it's nice to have that time with my femme sisters who I can really relate with. I keep saying I am going to try to find the BF people by organizing events, and then I get busy, hopefully soon!! I work with many lesbians in my profession, but no femmes. They are all nice and everything but I am always the outsider. They don't understand me and my relationship with Lisa (Justin). They don't understand why I am attracted to butches and why I don't like pretty girls. We go round and round, but it's all good. There is a new office romance between two girlie girls and it's all the rage. They are always running off in the lunch room together, taking breaks together, scheduling shifts together. They boggle mind just as much as I boggle theirs! I always think... Who opens the door for who? Who pays for dinner? Who is the top? Who holds who's hand? Hahahha. I will ask them soon... Time for me to do the grilling!!!!!!! Tables are turning!!! :-D __________________ "It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to fall down. Get up! Look sickening....and make them eat it!" - Latrice Royale Starry

08-28-2012, 09:02 PM	#17
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,295 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I'm glad this thread is here. I think people's identities are all so unique. If someone takes credit for liberating or waking up or setting free the femme in you, beware. That honor is yours only. Anyway, that's what I believe.